Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I don't actually read blogs.

I, High Class Jackass, think they are, for the most part, a waste of time. Most of them.

There are, of course, exceptions and, of course, Dan's is one of them. He's truly a gifted writer as I noted a billion years ago, back when all you ungrateful shits were all "Dan who?"

So yeah, Dan is down in the Big Easy, doing some obscenely altruistic shit like building houses for Habitat for Humanity. He asked us, his friends, his real friends, the ones who are there for him, plying him with liquor, drowning his woes, and taking blackmail worthy photos, to step in and provide minimally entertaining content for your amusement.

And you - you people - have the nerve, the gall, the cohones to tick-tack-type shit like BRING DAN BACK, WAH-WAH!

Look, we miss Dan, too. He's adorable, if a little slight of build in real life, and we're entertained by his heart-wrenching posts of late, if only to feel better about our relative status in our dating-, housing-, mental-situation. But he's gone.

HE'S GONE, PEOPLE. So suck it up and give us, the poor pathetic bastards tapped to bullshit until the maestro returns, a break, some slack, some, like, whatever. My pizza's here.

Oh, and before I forget, this one time, Dan kissed me hello. For twenty bucks and a litre of Belvedere, I'll let you touch my cheek, you drooling sycophants.

25 Comments:

Blogger Airam said...

We just all think that Dan is great! And you're all doing a good job replacing him these next couple of weeks ... I'm sure he only asked the best to write for him. ;)

Hope the pizza was delish.

November 29, 2006 at 7:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger MonkeyPants said...

I squishily heart you.

November 29, 2006 at 7:11:00 PM EST  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

it's so nice to hear how the people closest to him are really quality, loving individuals who only have Dan's best interest at heart.

Belvedere is pretty good stuff.

November 29, 2006 at 7:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger ducklet said...

oh, you're a bigger person than me. the first time i noticed the hecklers, i realized that this is going to be the scenario when it's my turn to post:

Me: I'M not funny?!? 5 YEARS AGO WE WOULD HAVE HAD YOU UPSIDE DOWN WITH A DIALUP AOL CONNECTION IN YOUR A**! GET HIM OUT OF HERE! HE'S A BLOGG**! HE'S A BLOGG**! HE'S A BLOGG**!

I've already sent a formal apology to Steve Jobs. I'm just devastated by my rage.

November 29, 2006 at 7:45:00 PM EST  
Blogger kat said...

dan is way taller than me in real life, and in my book, that means anyone he chooses to guest blog is alright by me.

and NO, my standards are not too low.

November 29, 2006 at 8:48:00 PM EST  
Anonymous amish said...

I wish Dan picked me. But my blog is definitely one of those "waste-of-time" ones.

November 29, 2006 at 9:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger Some Chick said...

you're funny.

November 29, 2006 at 10:50:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's true, he IS slight of build. I saw him a few weeks ago on the 6 train and he was positively waifish. Cute though - rocking the white-framed sunglasses.

November 29, 2006 at 10:55:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

Hmmm. I loveee me some abusive sarcastic posts. Feels like Home..

November 30, 2006 at 12:48:00 AM EST  
Blogger Gaijinity said...

Jesus. He's not THAT hot. Talented, yes, but hot...differnt strokes for different folks. I live in a glass house myself.

November 30, 2006 at 7:59:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well put

November 30, 2006 at 9:39:00 AM EST  
Blogger angry ballerina said...

I agree with moneypants....squishy heart........

November 30, 2006 at 10:27:00 AM EST  
Blogger mm said...

lolz omg roflcopter

November 30, 2006 at 1:13:00 PM EST  
Blogger かわいいですね。 said...

pizza is literally my favourite food. i hope it was good!

i liked the superfluous use of big words. come back and post again.

November 30, 2006 at 1:59:00 PM EST  
Blogger City Gal said...

I found [redacted] while reading The Company Bitch, who also turned me on to The Daily Dump. I have spent the last week of work getting caught up on both blogs. My employer must hate me, but I love Dan['s writing]! And his guest writers, too. <3

November 30, 2006 at 2:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kate said...

I only got one BRING DAN BACK comment, but that's probably because fake orgasming 9 year olds are pretty entertaining.

You pervs.

November 30, 2006 at 4:32:00 PM EST  
Blogger shaygo said...

who heckles? i'd like to hear more about kate's cousin isabelle and why alice's cat is shaved. . .and anyone who can spew such vitriol about blog-readers while writing a blog post is ok in my book. . .but maybe i'm just a masochist.

November 30, 2006 at 4:46:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Laaw-yuhr said...

New Orleans thanks Dan for his humanitarian bullshit.

November 30, 2006 at 7:35:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Laaw-yuhr said...

(hmm, for some reason my profile link didn't show, but I'm in NOLA if it isn't obvious)

November 30, 2006 at 7:38:00 PM EST  
Anonymous angelina said...

boooo, don't take yourself so serisouly - I didn't say it was bullshit. DUH.

NOLA is my birth town - the house where I grew up no longer exists.

THANKYOUVERYMUCH, MR. JUDGEY PANTS.

December 1, 2006 at 11:23:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like this guy - he can stay. So can the girl who blogged about the orgasmic nine year-old. Chick who wrote "sense of humors" is banned, however. I think reading that made me slightly less intelligent for a moment. Thankfully, I made a quick recovery.

December 1, 2006 at 5:37:00 PM EST  
Blogger Laaw-yuhr said...

Angelina--

a) I was sincerely thanking Dan in what I *thought* was a humorous manner, rather than judging the guest blogger.

b) Since I am a woman (what - lawyer's aren't female?), that's MISS JUDGEY PANTS to you.

December 2, 2006 at 5:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger High Class Jackass said...

I call everyone Mr. Judgepants - regardless of sex. It's just part of the nickname.

Sorry for not getting the sarcasm - I'm actually a delicate flower and tend to take things too seriously.

December 3, 2006 at 10:45:00 AM EST  
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May 1, 2009 at 11:30:00 PM EDT  

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