Monday, November 27, 2006

Isabelle

Greetings, [redacted] readers. My name is Kate. Most of the time, I blog on Logged Hours, and every once in a while I take photos for Gawker, but today, I hope to entertain you while Sir Dan is on vacation.

As you all know (or if you don’t, hope you’re enjoying that coma), last week was Thanksgiving. My Thanksgiving consisted of going out to the far reaches of Long Island and puttering around the house with 24 other people (that's those crazy Irish Catholics for you). One of those people was my 9-year-old 2nd cousin, Isabelle.

Wednesday night, my aunt picked me up at the train station and informed me that we were going directly into town for dinner with my great uncle, my Mom’s cousin, her husband, and daughter (Isabelle). I hadn’t seen Isabelle since she was 3 or so, at which point she was a sweet faced little butterball who loved picture books. I come into the restaurant and see my extended family members sitting at a table with a little girl who looks like the Bee Girl from the Blind Melon “No Rain” video. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Bee Girl, this is her:

Hugs are exchanged all around, and we sit down to order. Isabelle looks at the menu and announces, “Parties of 6 or more get 17% gratitude.” Her mother looks at her, and says, “That’s gratuity, sweetie. It means ‘tip’.”
Isabelle looked at her mother. “Well that’s good. I was going to say that 17% gratitude isn’t very much.”

Drinks are ordered, and as the waitress is pouring our drinks, Isabelle taps me on the shoulder.

“I want to tell you something, but you can’t tell HER”, she said seriously, pointing to her mother. “If you do, you’ll get a bed full of rattlesnakes!”
“Okay,” I promised. “It’ll be our secret.”
She gets up from her chair and cups her hands around my ear.
“I can fake an orgasm,” she announced in a coarse whisper.
I looked at her, stunned. “Um… well, wow, that’s really something,” I stammered.
“Yes,” she said matter-of-factly. “You vocalize excessively.”
Trying to regain my composure, I asked, “Where did you learn that?”
“I got my hands on a copy of The Worst Case Scenario Handbook: Dating and Sex," she responded. “I also know how to get rid of a guy who is scamming on you, as well as how to expel excess gas. Shall I demonstrate?”
Fortunately, the waitress arrived with our food, so I was spared the display. As the waitress distributed our food, Isabelle turned to her and pointed to the middle of the floor.

Isabelle: “Look under there!”
Waitress: “Where?”
Isabelle: “Under there!”
Waitress: “I don’t see it sweetie, under where?”
Isabelle: “HA! I made you say underwear.”

The Isabelle Show pretty much continued all weekend. I could probably write a good 50 pages on her, but since I am merely a guest here, I’ll refrain and provide you with a few choice quotes that came out of her mouth over the course of the weekend:

While getting ice cream:
“I probably shouldn’t be consuming a triple serving. My parents are trying to restrict my caloric intake.”

In the car on the ride home from ice cream:
“Is there an airbag in the front of this car? If so, I should probably sit in the rear of the car, as per federal regulations.”

While playing a card game:
“I smell opportunity.”

To the bakery cashier, after purchasing the last Key Lime Pie:
“You should really remove the sign that says ‘Key Lime Pie’. It’s false advertising, and then you’ll lose consumer confidence and have to shut your doors forever.”

While cheating at Scrabble:
“It’s not cheating, it’s creative game play. Write that down.”

To me, out of nowhere:
“I picture you with a bigger nose.”

By the time she left on Friday, Isabelle had caused my jaw to drop approximately 15 times. All I have to say is that her parents are in for a real treat once she hits her teens. That, and I’m not having children for a long time.

23 Comments:

Blogger mm said...

Freaking hilarious. I'm so glad I don't have children.

November 27, 2006 at 2:39:00 PM EST  
Anonymous VI said...

I propose bottling and selling her as a new form of effective birth control.
How in hell did you refrain from strangling her?

November 27, 2006 at 2:39:00 PM EST  
Blogger Nathalie said...

Oh my God, Isabelle sounds so entertaining. For short periods of time, I suppose.

She sounds like some sort of prodigy child...

November 27, 2006 at 2:57:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well done, Kate!

November 27, 2006 at 3:52:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

um....whens Dan getting back. this post was waccckkkkk...youre killin his thunder...

November 27, 2006 at 3:59:00 PM EST  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

I might have to use the creative game play line. Genius!

November 27, 2006 at 4:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger kiwi said...

That definitely made me bust out laughing, while at work. But so worth it.

November 27, 2006 at 4:18:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Chris said...

Why there gotta be haters on here? Kate rules. So does Dan. Hush.

November 27, 2006 at 4:44:00 PM EST  
Blogger Airam said...

She sounds like quite the handful! She will definitely grow to be one of those adults that can only be dealt with in small doses. She better learn when to let loose with her smart ass remarks and when to keep them to herself or she'll be in trouble once she hits highschool.

November 27, 2006 at 5:48:00 PM EST  
Anonymous A said...

Anyway, it was really nice to read something funny around here. Two months have really taken its toll on Dan. I'm a stealth reader over at Logged Hours.. heheeh. Oh and I think I know the teen Isabelle, his name is Daniel, really entertaining from afar.

November 27, 2006 at 6:41:00 PM EST  
Blogger angel said...

How did you manage not to slap this child over the weekend? I totally would've.

November 27, 2006 at 8:20:00 PM EST  
Blogger ducklet said...

This is totally the girl from Little Miss Sunshine. When she turns 12 I totally want to be partying with her.

November 27, 2006 at 8:23:00 PM EST  
Blogger Lisa said...

Ohh, that is completely hilarious! I think everyone needs an occasional Isabelle!

November 27, 2006 at 11:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger Vegas Princess said...

Oh my! That child is a handful! And hilarious. I would love to have her in my family as entertainment...just not as my own kid.

Great guest post!!

November 27, 2006 at 11:41:00 PM EST  
Blogger chloe said...

she is freakin' fabulous!!!

November 28, 2006 at 12:13:00 AM EST  
Blogger Kelly said...

Hee hee hee!

Could you imagine what her parents put up with?? Yikes!

November 28, 2006 at 8:54:00 AM EST  
Blogger Yasamin said...

LMAO! aww.. the wonders of children and their giant mouths. see... this is the exact reason as to why i cannot procreate. imagine me, strangling a 9 year old. it will happen one day.

*snap!*

November 28, 2006 at 10:11:00 AM EST  
Blogger i like cheese said...

I think Isabelle and I would get along fabulously!

November 28, 2006 at 10:32:00 AM EST  
Blogger Lori Mocha said...

I want to party with Isabelle!

November 28, 2006 at 11:32:00 AM EST  
Blogger birdie said...

oh god. she's THAT kid.

November 28, 2006 at 12:17:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jules said...

Holy crap.

November 28, 2006 at 1:50:00 PM EST  
Blogger Alison said...

Oh wow. That's quite the day... oh, cousins, the strangest family relation that exists, right? Your family members were siblings, but that gene pool always just gets a little bit stranger when it expends.

November 28, 2006 at 3:13:00 PM EST  
Blogger High Class Jackass said...

Oh, these mother fuckers. I can't wait till my guest blogging day.



shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

November 28, 2006 at 4:12:00 PM EST  

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