Thursday, November 30, 2006

it's like yeah, motherfucker, i'm fine awesome

hi, my name is Heather. i have a website that i used to drunkenly ramble upon regarding quasi non-boyfriends who broke my heart, my probable yet unmedicated clinical depression and my anger with God, but then i got this new job description over at Gawker, got really busy, and now i drunkenly ramble about that more in real life than i do on the internet.

(hi.)

well, golly, you think to yourself, she sounds utterly charming. where did Dan find such a treasure? surely she has some incredible story, or wisdom, or advice to share with us, her life is so rich with cultural experience; so blessed with social grace and connectivity. impart your wisdom upon us, Heather. we beg you. this is a job i take very seriously, much like my job (which basically consists of wrangling google calendars, whipping hangover-ridden interns into shape and spending three quarters of income on coffee at Balthazar. oh come on, you know you would, too.)

but then, it hit me: i haven't slept in three days. an hour ago, i was so fucking excited because i met my deadlines (!) early (!!) and i could leave the office (in SoHo) to go home (to Brooklyn) to pluck my eyebrows (because i didn't have time this morning) and come back to the office (still in SoHo) in time to pick up my dream team partycrash (kate, richard) to make it downtown to CollegeHumor's Rush party tonight. i'd freak out about what i'm going to wear but MAYBE i'd have time to pull my shit together well enough to meet some guy who'll conveniently inform me after we've come seriously close to having sex that he kind-of-maybe-sorta has a girlfriend, and that kind-of-maybe-sorta shouldn't do this. or maybe i'd forgo looking extra skanky in lieu of a nap (omg, sleep. for serious.) but then i realized, fuck. FUUUUUUUCK.

it's the 30th. rent is due tomorrow i'm supposed to guestblog for fucking Dan.

(fuck.)

so instead of writing a post for Dan, i watched the dickheads my dears officemates play with this minigoddamnedhelicopterthing:

IT WON'T LET ME POST THE VIDEO. WATCH IT. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

(okay, it won't but that's me giggling, wearing the atrocious white knit hat.)

and decided that screw it, i'm just going to go home and wash my goddamned hair. because shit, clearly all i'm doing here is dropping names and pretending your amazement in my awesomeness actually matters. also, i fucking hate blogger. i fucking hate blogger beta even more.

(fuck.)

(almost enough to hate dan.)

(yeah, riiiiiight. like that's going to happen. i could happily die on my way home now, knowing that this will be, by far, the shittiest post on this blog EVER, and that is just. plain. awesome.)

(insert further delirious drivel here.)
(so yeah, i'm really going now. kisses.)

18 Comments:

Blogger Kate said...

Stay original, Heather. Stay original.

November 30, 2006 at 4:46:00 PM EST  
Blogger spinachdip said...

You could've at least mailed it in. Fuck, this is the blogging equivalent of a text message.

November 30, 2006 at 4:57:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow do you have any other words in your vocabulary besides fuck? I sure hope you don't write for a living!

November 30, 2006 at 5:41:00 PM EST  
Blogger Robyn said...

Hell, I enjoyed it. Keep being awesome.

November 30, 2006 at 6:41:00 PM EST  
Blogger Emma Kaufmann said...

Hmm, something tells me you don't like this Heather girl. And yet on her strap line she tells us she's so close to sexy. How close??? How the hell can you be so close to sexy? You either are or your aren't and I think she probably isn't.

November 30, 2006 at 6:53:00 PM EST  
Blogger jason said...

Wow, you're so busy you don't have time to hit the shift key, huh? Or, well, make any sense at all. There's no way I could read that whole post without getting a headache. My sixteen year old niece's emails from summer camp are more entertaining, not to mention more coherent.

But the post has lots of swears, so you know...

Thanks for playing, keep moving.

November 30, 2006 at 7:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger kiwi said...

C'mon people. I'm enjoying the guest bloggers.

November 30, 2006 at 7:52:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

I thought it was funny.. teh tehh ee hehe I like this girl's writings...i think Dans gonna get mad at you people...Oh well.. Anyways if anyone wants to see the whole "BRIT neked pics i found some.. there is a rumor that its fake but the last one i found was lookin quite realistic...C-section scar and all.
Anyways, Heather i really liked your post!

November 30, 2006 at 10:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger Cath said...

Actually, Heather, I quite liked it. There was something refreshing about all the shits, fucks, and god damns.

And that's me being totally serious. Is that weird?

P.S. Blogger Beta hates me, and I hate it. What the fuck is up with advertising your damn BETA version? No, I don't want to switch over! It's fuckin' BETA!

Sorry, it's been a long day.

And OMG, I love that someone chose sailor moon as their blogger name.

November 30, 2006 at 10:54:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Michael said...

This is not interesting at all, I don't think you put in any effort to write it. Next!

December 1, 2006 at 2:19:00 AM EST  
Blogger Some Chick said...

Ok.
A) I know we all adore Dan but why is everyone so worried if he gets mad at us. Who cares?

B) All you complainers need to lighten up. If you don't like the guest bloggers don't read them and wait for Dan to come back from vaca, or reread his old blog.

C) Heather's funny, she may be drunk, that last guy was seriously funny and the one with the precocious child was good too.

December 1, 2006 at 2:49:00 AM EST  
Blogger Ilana said...

wait i was totally at the collegehumor party last night. or at least i am fairly confident that's where this hangover came from. it's all a little foggy. oh no wait...that wasn't fog, just smoke from the people doing bong hits in the kitchen. my bad.

December 1, 2006 at 7:51:00 AM EST  
Blogger Benjamin G. said...

Seeing the helicopter video made me fell better about adulthood.

December 1, 2006 at 10:47:00 AM EST  
Anonymous haters, go fug yo' selves said...

I was fucking amused.
And I agree. Blogger beta is a piece of shit.

December 1, 2006 at 1:54:00 PM EST  
Blogger universal muse said...

incoherent, but strangely enjoyable. i liked it.

December 2, 2006 at 9:11:00 AM EST  
Blogger Cupcake said...

MY LIFE HAS BEEN CHANGED.

December 2, 2006 at 11:22:00 PM EST  
Anonymous narnia said...

blogger beta sucks, but the minicopter thing rules. i saw one at the buzzfeed launch (whaaaaaaadup name droppin!) and was utterly amazed.

and whatever happened to decentcontent, by the way. why don't you all just route your comments on everyone else's blogs over there.

December 6, 2006 at 7:03:00 PM EST  
Anonymous r4 nintendo ds said...

Wow, you are very busy you shift key, there is no time are killed huh? Or, well, make any sense. There is no way that my headache is getting to be read without the full post. Summer camp is from my sixteen-year-old niece email more enjoyable, not to mention more consistent.

September 27, 2010 at 8:11:00 AM EDT  

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