it's like yeah, motherfucker, i'm fine awesome

hi, my name is Heather. i have a website that i used to drunkenly ramble upon regarding quasi non-boyfriends who broke my heart, my probable yet unmedicated clinical depression and my anger with God, but then i got this new job description over at Gawker, got really busy, and now i drunkenly ramble about that more in real life than i do on the internet.

(hi.)

well, golly, you think to yourself, she sounds utterly charming. where did Dan find such a treasure? surely she has some incredible story, or wisdom, or advice to share with us, her life is so rich with cultural experience; so blessed with social grace and connectivity. impart your wisdom upon us, Heather. we beg you. this is a job i take very seriously, much like my job (which basically consists of wrangling google calendars, whipping hangover-ridden interns into shape and spending three quarters of income on coffee at Balthazar. oh come on, you know you would, too.)

but then, it hit me: i haven't slept in three days. an hour ago, i was so fucking excited because i met my deadlines (!) early (!!) and i could leave the office (in SoHo) to go home (to Brooklyn) to pluck my eyebrows (because i didn't have time this morning) and come back to the office (still in SoHo) in time to pick up my dream team partycrash (kate, richard) to make it downtown to CollegeHumor's Rush party tonight. i'd freak out about what i'm going to wear but MAYBE i'd have time to pull my shit together well enough to meet some guy who'll conveniently inform me after we've come seriously close to having sex that he kind-of-maybe-sorta has a girlfriend, and that kind-of-maybe-sorta shouldn't do this. or maybe i'd forgo looking extra skanky in lieu of a nap (omg, sleep. for serious.) but then i realized, fuck. FUUUUUUUCK.

it's the 30th. rent is due tomorrow i'm supposed to guestblog for fucking Dan.

(fuck.)

so instead of writing a post for Dan, i watched the dickheads my dears officemates play with this minigoddamnedhelicopterthing:

IT WON'T LET ME POST THE VIDEO. WATCH IT. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

(okay, it won't but that's me giggling, wearing the atrocious white knit hat.)

and decided that screw it, i'm just going to go home and wash my goddamned hair. because shit, clearly all i'm doing here is dropping names and pretending your amazement in my awesomeness actually matters. also, i fucking hate blogger. i fucking hate blogger beta even more.

(fuck.)

(almost enough to hate dan.)

(yeah, riiiiiight. like that's going to happen. i could happily die on my way home now, knowing that this will be, by far, the shittiest post on this blog EVER, and that is just. plain. awesome.)

(insert further delirious drivel here.)
(so yeah, i'm really going now. kisses.)