Tuesday, November 21, 2006

So Then My Girlfriend and I Broke Up

And that’s really all I’m going to say about it.

(Except this: So there were two earth shattering celebrity break-ups that overlapped with my own – Reese and Ryan; Britney and K-Fed – and while the stories were generally amusing (Ryan cheating, K-Fed singing, etc.) I have to say I was unimpressed. And yes, I understand that saying this makes me sound very unforthcoming, heterosexually speaking, but the fact of the matter is my own story was so much more exciting. Not that we’re going to talk about it, but let’s just say that instead of having a fight and then being kicked out of the 500,000 square foot Malibu estate and being relegated to the sparsely decorated Miami condo, I had to load my crap into a U-Haul and drive it to my parents’ house. And instead of having my attorney negotiate terms with her attorney, I had to be like, “Can I take one of your pillows? Because I don’t have any.” What I’m saying is, I don’t get the fascination with celebrity break-ups. What we should be fascinated with is normal people’s break-ups. Like there should be a whole website dedicated to unearthing the details of ordinary couples’ devastating separations. Example: Which of the following items would you rather read on a boring Monday morning?

Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellweger filed for divorce over the weekend citing irreconcilable differences. Apparently, on Saturday evening Renee Zellweger opened her eyes for a few seconds and realized that she was mistaken, she meant to marry Keith Urban. Chesney, an alcoholic country singer, didn’t care. They have agreed to take their millions and go live posh lives in separate gated communities.

or

Pamela and Tim broke up early Sunday morning when Tim admitted that while free-basing with a few friends at a party, one thing led to another and he got a couple of blow jobs because he wanted to see if he could tell the difference between white girls and Asians. Pamela, who thought she was going to marry Tim, spent the rest of the night drinking Rum and cutting herself just to feel something different.

I think you get the point. And no one steal this idea, because it’s pretty much my only hope for a prosporous future. And my attorney law school student friend has advised me that by posting it on my blog, it is officially copyrighted. He also advised me that my template was “bland” and that that’s not how you spell “prosperous,” but you don’t become Ecuador’s first janitor / attorney law school student friend by pulling punches.)

32 Comments:

Blogger Ashley said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

November 21, 2006 at 2:04:00 PM EST  
Blogger Green said...

I don't know who you are or what your story is other than having broken up recently, but my god, do I feel bad for Pamela, and I hope she finds someone better, someone who shares his weed with HER. Or, you know.

Anyway, I like your blog. I'll be back to read more. ... in 17 days or whenever it is you resume writing. Puppies make everything better. My goal is to get one in 2007. I haven't broken up with anyone, but I haven't dated anyone either and I think that deserves a puppy, don't you?

November 21, 2006 at 2:34:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kate said...

Yay! Welcome back

November 21, 2006 at 2:39:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jaime said...

Oh yay, you're back! I've got to go update my blogroll now.

November 21, 2006 at 2:56:00 PM EST  
Blogger takin chances said...

I would completely LOVE to read real people's break up stories. I mean, everyone has one.

I think you are on to something.

November 21, 2006 at 3:00:00 PM EST  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

I'll tell you my real life break-up story. It goes something like this... I tell him I love him on his birthday for the first time. He breaks up with me and moves to Kentucky. I think he's either dead or gay now. I'm still bitter. Its fun. Trust me. Awesome!

November 21, 2006 at 3:30:00 PM EST  
Blogger [Cherry] Ride said...

Welcome back, Dan!

November 21, 2006 at 3:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger Tim said...

dude, when you get rich off this idea you better share the money with me since I allowed you to share my breakup story first.

November 21, 2006 at 3:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger Z said...

YAY! You are back!!!
Oh how we missed you.

November 21, 2006 at 4:02:00 PM EST  
Blogger Viscountess of Funk said...

Dan:
I have pretty much no interest whatsoever in your breakup story. I do wonder, however, when Britany is going to find a better-fitting bra. Thank you for coming back. And thank you for remaining as cynical and witty as evah!

November 21, 2006 at 4:10:00 PM EST  
Blogger greener said...

yuck, break ups. Entertaining to read, especially to those who've had one; only so we can compare.
Mine; so much more 'movie like' than those who make movies.

But its done, and the puppy helped :)

and, now theres another 'green'!

November 21, 2006 at 4:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger Sparkmonkey said...

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm my breakup was because my Ex got cancer and decided to fuck around for a while before his surgery.

*slap face with trout*

8 years. For that? Shit.........

November 21, 2006 at 4:57:00 PM EST  
Blogger dmbmeg said...

LET THE PROCRASTINATION BEGIN AGAIN! who am I kidding? like it ever stopped to begin with. Now I just get to procrastinate MORE from doing actual work. welcome back!

November 21, 2006 at 5:33:00 PM EST  
Anonymous stacyk said...

My big breakup was definately the stuff of a "Lifetime movie of the week"

This senario reeks of a pissing contest though. its a cold brutal world, would your site protect those newly damaged from more harm or is it no holds barred?

November 21, 2006 at 5:57:00 PM EST  
Blogger Erin Mc said...

a friend of mine was out to dinner with her ex, and after a couple beers he told her that he had something to tell her.

"I got married in April."

"It's July. Are you serious? I need another beer."

And by friend, I mean me.

November 21, 2006 at 6:37:00 PM EST  
Blogger Beechball * said...

This is unrelated, but your profile picture is VERY nice - walk with your head up and be proud of who you are!

November 21, 2006 at 8:18:00 PM EST  
Blogger Beehive Hairdresser said...

A certain family member of mine when in the middle of the divorce had decided to split the cutlery on the spot. He came back into the room to find that his estranged wife had taken the entire left side of the cutlery knives.

This was the same woman who beat up the custodian of the church only minutes after her then husbands dead grandmothers casket was moved from the church to the hurst - go figure.

November 21, 2006 at 8:22:00 PM EST  
Blogger sadielady said...

My last breakup went like this: after a year plus of dating, on a not-so-special Friday night I went out with a girlfriend of mine to dinner and a movie; my boyfriend was just planning to stay home. Next day that girlfriend called me; she had just finished playing a match in her tennis league in town, and she got to talking to one of the girls on the other team after the match, and they started talking about guys, and this girl told my girlfriend about this fabulous date she had just gone out on the night before with this great guy. As she's describing the date, and the guy, it starts to sound a little too familiar to my friend ... so my friend asks the guy's last name ... yes, turns out this girl had gone out on a date with my boyfriend the night before, while I was out with my friend. As shocked as I was to find out he had gone out on a date with a girl, I think he was even more shocked that I found out about it within 12 hours of when he had said good-night to his date...

anyway, good riddance to exes. yay that you're back!

November 21, 2006 at 11:17:00 PM EST  
Blogger David Zaza said...

I'll just go there: So you're single again--have you considered homosexuality? Because actually, I think you're pretty fine and maybe, you know, you need a date sometime soon?

November 22, 2006 at 2:50:00 AM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

dude did you get homosexually asked out on a blog comment sections? hahah love it..you cant make this shit up...

November 22, 2006 at 3:52:00 AM EST  
Blogger Kelly said...

There may be a couple of people who would give you a pillow.

Sounds like Zaza would like to share his with you.

Go Zaza!

November 22, 2006 at 8:52:00 AM EST  
Blogger i like cheese said...

My last breakup I realized I didn't own a pillow, nor a blanket...I tried to sneak out of the house with one of my ex's blankets, but it seems that it belonged to his grandmother at some point and I had to give it back.

I guess that's when I discovered how great Target can be.

November 22, 2006 at 10:01:00 AM EST  
Anonymous danielle! said...

My friend threw up on my pillow the other day after too much champagne and mini burgers. Wanna go to Target?

November 22, 2006 at 10:08:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Sect. 39 said...

I'm giddy that you're back, and I am in complete support of your "breakup stories" site!

November 22, 2006 at 10:16:00 AM EST  
Blogger Ruth said...

Yeah, if you ever do set up that break-up stories site, I have a great one that involves my ex setting his bed on fire while drunk and fucking another girl to get a comforter to replace the one he burned.

November 22, 2006 at 5:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger Cath said...

My break-up story is nowhere near that interesting. But the fact that I only have ONE at this point is a little worrying...

November 22, 2006 at 8:54:00 PM EST  
Blogger Gaijinity said...

Seeing as we're sharing break up stories...My last boyfriend (and I'm being quite literal when I say "last", because that was five years ago) got his mother to break up with me via a long distance phonecall (He was in Ireland, she was on the Gold Coast and I was freezing my ass off in Melbourne). Then he met me on a bus a couple of years later, chewed my ear off about his girlfriend dumping him for her ex the night before and attempted to wax poetic about how us meeting again like that must be "someone" telling him "something". At which point this someone should have told him something like, "You have a very small dick and no idea what to do with it." I didn't, but God, I wish I had. It was true.

November 23, 2006 at 3:51:00 AM EST  
Blogger ps said...

you have a fascination with asians. and i like it.

November 24, 2006 at 2:34:00 PM EST  
Blogger deezee said...

I vote to hear more of Pamela and Tim...too amusing...great writing...

November 27, 2006 at 11:33:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Mike Paahana said...

i broke up with my wife for my gf now i like dump my gf to go back to my wife

October 28, 2007 at 7:21:00 PM EDT  
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May 1, 2009 at 11:25:00 PM EDT  

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