Monday, November 20, 2006

Welcome to [redacted]

Well this feels strange.

Not so much that I’m back at this after a two month hiatus. They say it’s like riding a bike – once you learn, you never forget, but if you’ve never really learned then the metaphor doesn’t apply to you. And I never really learned, so forgetting shouldn’t be a problem.

It feels strange because the majority of you reading this right now are doing so because when I quit my last blog (link intentionally omitted, because we’re not going to be doing that here) you sent me a nice email saying something like, “Aww, don’t quit. Hope everything’s OK. You’re awesome!” And on the one hand, that quasi-personal relationship we now share is great and profound, but on the other hand it’s a little bit intimidating because now I’m not just writing poorly worded prose for random people I can only assume exist (because Stat Tracker says so), now I’m writing for real live people with real live email addresses that I plugged into Google and MySpace and Friendster to find out what your real live faces look like. So maybe it’s only weird because I don’t understand the boundaries between “accepting compliments and support” and “stalking people.” This isn’t coming out like I had planned.

Basically there’s a lot to write and plenty of time to write it in. Am I rusty? Yeah. (SEE: “resorting to pictures of farm animals on the inaugural post”) Do I occasionally cry when I walk past the park and see innocent children laughing in the sunlight? Sure, who doesn’t. But, most importantly, am I ready to get back to what I love doing most?

You know now that I write it I’m not so sure. I expected a much more enthusiastic response inside my head, but instead I got something like, “Well, you know there’s that big Fall sale going on at Target, maybe you should hold off?” Whatever, I guess it’s too late now. Because obviously I’ve already gotten this far and if there’s one thing I’m not it’s a quitter. (Ed. Note: Except for the last time I quit.)

So what have I been doing for the past two months? Well I went through a pretty hard, depressing time. There was a lot of confusion and drinking and purposefully bumping into smiling people on the street saying under my breath, “What, you think you’re better than me? Because you have a bed? Is that it?” I contemplated buying a puppy but didn’t have the money, so I contemplated stealing one but didn’t have the heart. Apparently my situation was more complicated than I thought. I considered becoming emo, but am pretty sure I’m too old and people actually do understand me. I ate take out every night for three weeks, but eventually went to Costco and bought prepared, frozen food in bulk, which is extremely less romantic. Finally, frustrated with my inability to suffer a break-up like people in the movies, I accepted my fate, resolved to embrace these exciting, uncertain times, looked myself long and hard in the mirror and thought: But that puppy really would have helped.

And here we are. [redacted]’s first post. Why [redacted]? Well it’s a play on words. Actually, it’s not. Maybe it’s ironic? Or sarcastic? I don’t actually know what these words mean. I just use them at will and then you guys go “HAHA – I LOVE YOU.” That’s the formula and we’re sticking to it. Now someone post a comment that says “HAHA – I LOVE YOU” so we can get the sarcastic irony out of the way.

It’s good to be back.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha we love you.

There, that's done.

Glad you're back.

November 20, 2006 at 11:29:00 AM EST  
Anonymous StacyK said...

You brightened my day. I hope your's glows a little too.

Glad to see ya.


November 20, 2006 at 11:33:00 AM EST  
Blogger VerbalD said...

pretty good birthday present to have you back!

November 20, 2006 at 11:37:00 AM EST  
Blogger DrunkBrunch said...

Oh thank god. Everything is now right with the world - welcome back.

November 20, 2006 at 11:38:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHA, I love you

November 20, 2006 at 11:38:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So glad you're back!!

We missed you.

November 20, 2006 at 11:40:00 AM EST  
Blogger takin chances said...

The blogosphere's sun is shining just a bit brighter today thanks to your comeback.

Glad things are better. The takeout in NYC after a breakup does sound a bit romantic, at least to a girl in the 'burbs in Tennessee.

November 20, 2006 at 11:42:00 AM EST  
Blogger birdie said...

I will not say I'm glad you're back or that I missed you, because that would imply I care and I'm all about breaking your little formula.

That or my emotions are getting the better of me and I'm weeping from sheer happiness in the confines of my office.

November 20, 2006 at 11:43:00 AM EST  
Blogger Matt said...

Welcome back Dan!!!

Finally, we can stop holding our breath, wondering what had happened to you, and have another excuse to escape work for a few minutes each day.

Time to break out the celebratory Funfetti?

November 20, 2006 at 11:44:00 AM EST  
Anonymous lemmingpie said...

The email announcing your return to the land of blogging is just about the best thing that has ever happened to my monday morning in-box.

Finally, I can while away my afternoons again on the company's dime.

November 20, 2006 at 11:44:00 AM EST  
Blogger Kelly said...

As an avid user of square brackets, I know this'll be good.

Looking forward to the funny times ahead, sir.

November 20, 2006 at 11:45:00 AM EST  
Blogger greener said...

haha we love you!

Glad to oblige. Though, its a bit unfair that you should google,myspace and otherwise 'stalk' us and we only get to read your deepest sharings on this... well.. maybe its kinda fair.

Welcome back and yes, a puppy does help!
Many hugs!

November 20, 2006 at 11:46:00 AM EST  
Blogger Ashley said...

so do you have a place to crash now? Are you still on the UES?

Welcome back man, the fodder has been waiting for you!

November 20, 2006 at 11:46:00 AM EST  
Blogger Tim said...

I was secretly hoping you'd never come back so I could refer to you when I tell my grandkids about how much better blogging was back in early 2006. I guess I'm stuck reading you forever now.

November 20, 2006 at 11:47:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Margarita said...

haha I think you're was supposed to be "we love you" or something equally cheesy. Oh well. SO glad you are back!

November 20, 2006 at 11:50:00 AM EST  
Blogger Mad William said...

Welcome Home Dan!

I thought your email(I heard this was going to be the best site on the internet. Like ever) was talking about my site.

This makes more sence.
Love you new site.

November 20, 2006 at 11:54:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Oh Dan...I now have something to be truly THANKFUL for this week! The folks in my cubicle farm are wondering wtf's going on in my area. Weeping for joy, my friend. Weeping. For. Joy.

November 20, 2006 at 11:55:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

today is the best day of my life


November 20, 2006 at 11:56:00 AM EST  
Anonymous playing ugly said...


November 20, 2006 at 11:57:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha Ha, we love you! whore!

So, now that you are another year older are you any wiser? I hated it when my Dad would ask me that, how do you feel about it.

Glad you are back, even if you have to solicit the love. It seems to be working for you though so there you have it.


November 20, 2006 at 11:58:00 AM EST  
Anonymous cj said...

welcome back - glad you didn't keep us waiting too long. and right in time for the holidays! good times.

November 20, 2006 at 12:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jules said...


I can see I'm the only one that got it right...

November 20, 2006 at 12:05:00 PM EST  
Blogger Bunny said...


November 20, 2006 at 12:07:00 PM EST  
Blogger nerdy tech said...

This is, like, the best early Christmas present EVER. I just checked the old blog today to see if you had posted anything. Glad you're back! You've been missed!!

November 20, 2006 at 12:08:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So happy you’re writing again.

Sometimes all it takes is a little scotch and a Puppy.

November 20, 2006 at 12:11:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Kathleen said...

glad to know I am not the only one who internet stalks.

November 20, 2006 at 12:13:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


At last! Can't think of anything witty to say, but it sure is good to know that you won't be walking away from a gift, an awesome gift. By the way, did you know that laughter is the best gift that you can give to another?

Thanks for making the holidays bright! Write on, brother, write on!

November 20, 2006 at 12:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger tall 1 said...

The world is right again...

November 20, 2006 at 12:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger The Brooklyn Sea Hag said...

Is that a picture of your new girlfriend?


November 20, 2006 at 12:52:00 PM EST  
Blogger Rebecca said...

You really should have gotten a puppy. I got a kitten and she makes things so much better and I wasn't even going through a break-up. PLUS if you are going to beg, it makes you much more sympathetic. I'd totally give a homeless guy with a puppy a dollar. Unless I needed that dollar for the bus. And I always need dollars for the bus. So nevermind.

And welcome back.

November 20, 2006 at 12:55:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Tammy said...

yea! Welcome Back!

While I would love to use this on Thanksgiving as what I truly am thankful for, my family won't get it (stupid midwesterners!) so I'll have to stick with my wallet size subway map for their benefit. However, know that in my heart really what I am thankful for is that you are back.

November 20, 2006 at 1:00:00 PM EST  
Blogger spinachdip said...

Yay, our short, regional nightmare is finally over.

I didn't actually read the post, but good to have you back typing stuff and hitting the submit button nonetheless.

November 20, 2006 at 1:04:00 PM EST  
Blogger Hope said...

I have to admit, I thought for a second maybe you were spamming us with that email. Now I see it's way worse than that.

But I'm [moderately] glad to have you back!

November 20, 2006 at 1:07:00 PM EST  
Blogger Sparkmonkey said...


Having just had the year of hell after a break up, I can say that it felt sorta like prying a 10 pound roast out of my ass with a plastic fork. Now, on the other side (the one where I don't cry EVERY day anymore) I can say that while I am stronger I am happier now that you are back.

My blogroll was lonesome without you. *sniff*


November 20, 2006 at 1:08:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Neil said...

Welcome back, Mr. Kotter!

November 20, 2006 at 1:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

Good to have you back.

November 20, 2006 at 1:20:00 PM EST  
Blogger sadielady said...


you just made my day - woo-hoo!

November 20, 2006 at 1:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger de Kooning's Spleen said...

But you did steel a puppy once didn't you?

November 20, 2006 at 1:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger de Kooning's Spleen said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

November 20, 2006 at 1:41:00 PM EST  
Blogger ducklet said...

i always thought the saying was, once you learn to ride a man, you can never go back home again. and i thought it was a saying invented by my father's boyfriend, until my grandfather sent us that woefully inappropriate turducken for thanksgiving with a not so subtle sausage protruding from the bird's ass. thanks a lot gramps. you know, it's the children who suffer.

November 20, 2006 at 1:44:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Katie Baker said...

So very glad you are back. I really don't know what I've been doing at work for the past couple of months. (Working?! No!) Can't wait to read your posts!

November 20, 2006 at 1:55:00 PM EST  
Blogger kat said...

welcome back, hot stuff.

November 20, 2006 at 1:59:00 PM EST  
Blogger Mellinnia Woman said...

I'm glad you're back. You're not too old to be EMO, and are you sure people do understand you? Sure, a puppy would have helped. But, then you'd have had to feed it too. Hope you found a nice place to stay. Looking forward to more posts.

November 20, 2006 at 2:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger Melinda said...

Very glad to see you're writing again- definitely made my day!

Hope things in your world are going better now... (with 43 strangers pledging their love of you and your blog - how could it not?)

looking forward to more!

November 20, 2006 at 2:05:00 PM EST  
Anonymous simon said...

Hoo hah.

November 20, 2006 at 2:09:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dani said...

That's a good boy!

November 20, 2006 at 2:16:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Leah said...

Oh my. Yes.

(After Simon posted his martini entry last week, he said, "I wish I could be that funny every time I blogged. If I could be that funny, I'd be..." and then we both said "Dan" at the exact same time.")

You've been missed, dude. Welcome home.

November 20, 2006 at 2:16:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yes! my blog crush is back!

i hope i creeped you out as much i creeped myself out. :)

November 20, 2006 at 2:24:00 PM EST  
Blogger mm said...

bYipeee!!!! I'm so happy you are back. My long, boring days at work just weren't the same while you were gone. :)

November 20, 2006 at 2:36:00 PM EST  
Blogger Viscountess of Funk said...

Hi Dan:
Welcome back!

Now back to me: Where's your link to my site?

Now back to you:
Are you still really hairy?

November 20, 2006 at 2:43:00 PM EST  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

I totally hate you. Bastard. I emailed to be on your "update me when you get a new blog" list and I have to find out about [redacted] though one of my commenters. Hmph.

Ok, I'm over it now. Glad you're back to blogging. My morning coffee will be so much more enjoyable. That's right, I expect a new post every morning.

November 20, 2006 at 2:48:00 PM EST  
Blogger k said...

I'm a little excited about this, in a girl-excited kind of way.

::flashes boobies::


November 20, 2006 at 2:54:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Larry said...

I knew it was only a matter of time.

Welcome back, pal.

November 20, 2006 at 2:59:00 PM EST  
Blogger Firefly said...

I'm very smiley right now.

I'm so glad you are back!

November 20, 2006 at 3:10:00 PM EST  
Blogger jennifer_starfall said...

this is so cool. i'm so glad you're back! but no pressure, 'cause:


and stuff. you do know that any one of us would have taken you in if you were really homeless, right? next time that happens, stalk me on myspace and i'll come pick you up. my husband would probably look at me like i'm fucking nuts, but that's the joy of marriage.

November 20, 2006 at 3:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger mark said...

Dan! You're back! This is great! Very pleased to have you back in the sphere, man! I'm sure this will indeed be the best site in the history of the Internet - but you know, no pressure.

November 20, 2006 at 3:30:00 PM EST  
Blogger belligerent mother said...

Am I now [mother]?

November 20, 2006 at 3:37:00 PM EST  
Blogger Nathalie said...

I'm so glad you're back, Dan. Now I can stop worrying about you even though I don't even know you. ^_^

November 20, 2006 at 4:37:00 PM EST  
Blogger treespotter said...

dan, i know you'd be back. glad you are. it'll pass man, whatever it was, the cows and all. they'll pass.

take care.

November 20, 2006 at 6:05:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

Damn, Dan!
The picture of you before was small and mysterious and i thought you were cute. And the smarter you sounded in your blogs were even more appealing.
But now that i get a full view of your face - i know your hot! Hahah
Anywas, I was soooooo happy to see that your back. IT must really be weird to have girls flocking to your blog saying how much they think your hot and hot...huh?
ANywhoooo you made my day!
Sooo you have a myspace? Put it on here so that you can add me - i'd love to see it and you can see mine..maybe you'll like the nude pics hahaah J/K!
love ur blogger fan,

November 20, 2006 at 6:21:00 PM EST  
Blogger Paige said...

you get the award (and world record) for most comments on a first blog post.

And also: yayyayayayyayayayyayyaaa!!!!!!!

November 20, 2006 at 6:46:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Min said...

Thanks to Tim, you are now bookmarked.


Welcome back...?? (Although I never knew you had been around to leave..)

November 20, 2006 at 7:51:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Drew said...

Welcome back!

Puppies are overrated...there's nothing like a new blog to getcha back up on the horse (or bull) again!


November 20, 2006 at 9:29:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Alexandra said...

hey you witty little hottie... so glad you are back =) although, i am indeed sorry about the reason you left in the 1st place -- breakups suck.

look forward to wasting more work time and annoying more cubicle-neighbors w/ muffled snickering reading your posts.

HAHA me loves you!

November 20, 2006 at 9:39:00 PM EST  
Blogger Beechball * said...

YYYAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!! I haven't even read what you have to say yet, but I am SURE I'll LOVE it! Welcome BACK!

November 20, 2006 at 9:42:00 PM EST  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

super fabuloso to see you back here! Thanks for the heads up on gmail, stalker.

November 20, 2006 at 11:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger Erin Mc said...

welcome back... the internet was getting pretty boring without you.

November 20, 2006 at 11:32:00 PM EST  
Blogger Beehive Hairdresser said...

Glad to have you back.

November 21, 2006 at 9:56:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jader said...

Now it truly will be a happy Thanksgiving.

I'm stalkerishly excited that you're back. (I don't really know what that means but it felt right at the time.)

HAHA - I love you!

November 22, 2006 at 10:05:00 AM EST  
Blogger s. me said...

Glad you're back. I have something to do at work again.

November 22, 2006 at 2:13:00 PM EST  
Anonymous denyse said...

I was actualy saving your archives that I hadn't read yet for bad days, when I needed a laugh. Now that you're back I'm going to gorge.

We do love you. Thank you, and welcome back!

November 22, 2006 at 3:42:00 PM EST  
Blogger Texas Cinderella said...

so glad you are finally back!!!

November 23, 2006 at 8:11:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Ana said...

Hmmm...I just got a dog from the pound, where the dogs are cheap and happy to have you. It promptly ate through a door and spent about 500 of my dollars being sick. But, you know, now I'm in love with it.

I would avoid it.

Glad you're back though.

November 23, 2006 at 8:31:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You brighten up my day for coming back!

November 24, 2006 at 4:06:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So what's the real word after rescrambling "redacted"??

November 24, 2006 at 4:07:00 AM EST  
Blogger bad dog said...

how do i find the old blog??

November 26, 2006 at 11:38:00 PM EST  
Blogger Alison said...

I didn't even read the old blog (I just found out about it) but this is going to be awesome.

November 26, 2006 at 11:57:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Gemini Prefect said...

Because I am currently attempting to set up residence in that oh-so comfortable state called "Denial" (which I hear is not just a river in Egypt), I've been avoiding my computer. (Why? Because it's all on there.) So when I finally turned it on today and saw your email, I think I might have wet myself a little. Which is me saying that I'm glad to see that you're back and to thank you ahead of time for providing me with avoidance fodder.

November 27, 2006 at 1:53:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Caitie711 said...

It might comfort you to know that I totally wussed out on killing a funfetti cake, and instead simply made and ate an entire thing of brownies.

I think my fiance is concerned that I took your leaving the blogosphere worse than that time we stopped talking to each other a couple years back.

Anyway, welcome back, sir. You were sorely missed. And thanks to the person who noted the new blog in your old one. I wasn't hopeful when I went in to read the new comments, but "I'll never doubt again."
(this is the part where you Cary Elwes my ass and say "There will never be a need.")

November 28, 2006 at 4:54:00 PM EST  
Blogger Paul Noonan said...

hey dan, welcome back.
I was a daily reader of the dump and am glad to see you've returned. I know this is a bit delayed, but just found out about this today. glad to have you back and am looking forward to catching up on your posts.

November 28, 2006 at 11:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger Lozo said...

you'll quit again.

December 5, 2006 at 6:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger trinity67 said...

I'm glad you're back.

January 16, 2007 at 10:56:00 AM EST  
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May 1, 2009 at 11:29:00 PM EDT  

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