Friday, December 29, 2006

2006 Year in Review: Personal Discoveries and Revelations, Odds and Ends

Global warming in not a myth. Furthermore, if not for the it being the impetus for the destruction of the world, I would love it.

Vaginas are the new boobs. I distinctly remember a time when I thought if I ever saw Britney Spears boobs I would spit up from excitement. Then “the internet” came along and it’s like, “Hey, nice see through shirt, didn’t you wear that last week?” Now her cooch is everywhere and it’s ho hum. If nothing else it is a testament to the human’s ability to adapt. Five years ago, I see Britney’s cooch and maybe my head explodes. Today? I survive, and go get lunch.

Irrational Fear for 2007: Being caught in the handicapped stall in a public bathroom. For some reason, the fear that while sitting there a man in a wheelchair will come rolling in and knock on the door is increasingly real. I mean, what would you do? First of all, maybe you’re not done in there. Then you have to finish while a wheelchair bound man is peeking through the crack in the door saying, “Hey, you’re not handicapped . . .” This may just be me growing up, but lately “it’s so much roomier” just doesn’t seem worth the risk.

I know it’s been coming for a while, but I think 2006 was finally the year that internet dating became socially acceptable. Like if you met someone through the internet, then went out with them for a few weeks and they met your friends and your friends asked, “How did you two meet?” you wouldn’t feel pressured to say you were introduced by some random, made-up friends no one has ever heard of. You could even write a blog post about it.

Keeping track of international hostilities is hard. In years past I was content with knowing that there was stuff going on in the world, but being blissfully ignorant so long as it didn’t affect me or my primetime TV line up. In ’06 I decided to make an effort to “understand” some of these historically devastating conflicts. I got as far as accidentially referring to them as “Lesbianese” and decided that politics wasn’t for me.

Bold Prediction for 2007: It’s gonna be awesome. Happy New Year.


Blogger Miss Nines said...

The "Lesbianese?" Prepare yourself for some calls from Amnesty International, the HRC and NOW. Good luck with that.

December 29, 2006 at 4:45:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's all you learned??? How about hope is everything, life goes on and your parents rock. How about giving is the new getting, moving sucks and your parents rock.

December 29, 2006 at 5:18:00 PM EST  
Blogger a leather glove said...

My 2007 prediction: Blogger will figure out how to make the first comment show up correctly in IE6.

December 29, 2006 at 5:33:00 PM EST  
Blogger the girl also blogs said...

That anonymous is definitely one of your parents.

Happy N.Y.

December 29, 2006 at 5:52:00 PM EST  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I have that same fear of getting busted being the able-bodied guy using the handicapped stall. But you're so right that they're so damn roomy, and they have those rails to grip onto when you REALLY have to work one out.

December 30, 2006 at 1:16:00 AM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

Oh my god - i thought i was the only human scum that was scared to have a handicap person show up while im in the stall!!!! I mean, really what WOULD happen?
Love you !

Have you checked out that site i showed you?

Some of the networks are finding the site - which sucks - but they are finding ways to bypass them.

December 30, 2006 at 3:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger Mad William said...

Fear not. Handicapped bathroom stalls are not reserved the way parking spots are. Etiquette states that restrooms are first come first serve unless there is a handicapped person already there. Then they get to use it first.

I heard that on PBS so it must be true.

December 30, 2006 at 6:10:00 PM EST  
Blogger Matt said...

There with you on the handicapped toilet, and with Gancer on the bars, although in does infringe on my soon-to-be patiented invention of the "Strain Bar".

Happy 2007!

December 30, 2006 at 7:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

Now thinking about it. I never seen a handicap person in the rest rooms before?! What up with that?

December 30, 2006 at 10:21:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Irish Goddess said...

I'm always afraid of getting busted using the handicapped stall, too, but I haven't grown up enough to stop.

December 31, 2006 at 11:37:00 AM EST  
Blogger Janet said...

Great list. But I would like to add:

Bloomingdales: Despite all of the media given to animal cruelty, cat prints are making a comeback. Just yet another testament that being ethical was merely trendy for about ten years. This year we kept on buying vegan, but this time in alligator boots.

Whatever. I'll admit to it too, if my dead animals weren't fake. Which they are.

December 31, 2006 at 1:34:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, Internet dating is still totally lame.

December 31, 2006 at 2:59:00 PM EST  
Blogger Greg said...

As long as fisting doesn't become socially acceptable, everything is going to be just fine...

My prediction for 2007: I'll be visiting your blog more often. Keep up the good work.

January 1, 2007 at 2:22:00 PM EST  
Blogger thethinker said...

Happy New Year to you as well.

May it bring less pictures of celebrity crotches, Britney Spears or otherwise.

January 1, 2007 at 10:05:00 PM EST  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

Happy New Year Dan!

January 2, 2007 at 10:30:00 AM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

Internet dating is not lame, Anonymous. Me and my new leather coat and matching handbag from my "internet" boyfriend say so.
So THERE!!!!!

January 2, 2007 at 4:00:00 PM EST  
Anonymous some chick with a boy's name said...

Happy New Year Dan and all my fellow comment-leavers! Believe it or not, as a girl I am also occasionally concerned that I will get busted in the handicapped stall by some wheelchair-bound woman about to wet her pants. It’s not quite as embarrassing for women, though, since we usually use stalls to pee rather than “dropping the kids off at the pool.” If the extra room doesn’t make it worth the risk, the ones that have their own sink sure do!

Also, while Internet dating may now be socially acceptable, it’s still a mind-numbingly tedious and often frightening ordeal to look for the normal needle in the scary, sex-starved, shirtless haystack of losers. Maybe I’m just not looking in the right places…

January 2, 2007 at 4:18:00 PM EST  
Anonymous fan'o'dan said...

but isn't your girlfriend a friend of a friend? that's still a regular old fix-up, just with a technological twist. internet dating does rock though.

January 2, 2007 at 5:38:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jay said...

I had never before had that thought about being trapped in the handicapped toilet -- but 2007 will now be the year of that irrational fear

January 4, 2007 at 3:13:00 AM EST  

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