Thursday, December 28, 2006

2006 Year in Review: U.S.A. Still the Best!

For the past few hours I’ve been pouring over statistical data compiled by various research firms to determine which country in the world had the best 2006. I am using a complex formula, which I devised myself, taking into account a wide variety of facts and figures including life expectancy, literacy rate, crime, environmental sustainability and corruption, among others. Before we get started, a few highlights and bits of pertinent knowledge:

• You can live longer in an imaginary country (Cote d'Ivoire) than you can in South Africa.

• You can live longer in a mine shaft than you could in Swaziland1 (32.6 years).

• Finland was the only country to rank in the top 3 in all major categories – except for life expectancy, where they ranked a disappointing 39th – begging the question: How are people in Finland dying?

• Austria boasts a 100% literacy rate. (Yeah, right.)

Burkina Faso, a small West African nation, held its firm grip on last place for literacy rate, dropping 3 percentage points to 12.8%.2

• Zimbabwe leads the world with 585.0% inflation. I don’t even understand inflation but I know they’re fucked.

• The Western Sahara is the lowest densely populated country in the world with 2.7 people per square mile.3

• In a shocking twist, Russia remains the largest country with 6,592,735 square miles of territory, with Canada and the United States finishing second and third.

OK, enough fake statistics. Onto the real story: That, after a lot of studying and math, I have discovered that the U.S.A. ruled 2006! Congratulations, Americans.4

1 While Swaziland was the country my friends and I liked to use as our “fake” country when making jokes, it turns out there is nothing to laugh about in Swaziland.

2 There has been much political controversy in Burkina Faso over unpopular President Blaise Compaoré being routinely reelected. The U.N. has released an official statement condemning the voting practices saying “Throwing spears at pictures of the candidates is not an officially recognized method of voting.”

3 I’m going to go out on a limb and call this the Most Inaccurate Statistic Ever. Not because I think it should be much higher or lower, but because who gives a shit? Who is going around the Western Sahara collecting census surveys?

4 It should be noted that in the formula certain factors were weighted more than others, including fossil fuel usage, greenhouse emissions, internet users, airports, number of international disputes, and percentage of white, non-ethnic people.


Blogger crazysilver said...

Is the Western Sahara a country? I'm confused...

December 28, 2006 at 12:56:00 PM EST  
Blogger Betty said...

Do you even have a job anymore?

December 28, 2006 at 1:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger [Disgrundled] said...

I'm pretty sure, though he is alive, he is also dead.


December 28, 2006 at 1:33:00 PM EST  
Blogger Brandon said...

We have a saying in Zimbabwe: a penny saved is six bucks lost.

We also like to scream 'WE ARE MARSHALL' every time we land at Harare International Airport.

December 28, 2006 at 1:38:00 PM EST  
Blogger [Disgrundled] said...

The above response was to a deleted post. Referencing Augustus Gloop and his ability to read.

December 28, 2006 at 1:39:00 PM EST  
Blogger [tall] said...

You mean this post?:

Who says all Austrians can't read?

Then again, the only one I've ever met is this one.

December 28, 2006 at 1:44:00 PM EST  
Blogger The Accidental Bitch said...

Fins die from alcohol.

Good thing I'm every type of Scandinavian except Finnish!

December 28, 2006 at 1:44:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Bill said...

Industrious guy that Dan , TWO posts in one day ? and in between, all that time looking up fake statistics for fake countries? color me AWED

December 28, 2006 at 1:47:00 PM EST  
Blogger The Accidental Bitch said...

Oh- comforting. So instead, I will die from circulatory disease (Norway) or heart disease (Sweden and Denmark).

Only donuts can soothe me now.

December 28, 2006 at 1:47:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here’s a statistic:

Candytopia has the most young woman wearing pretty sweaters who want to leave work but have to wait for somebody.

December 28, 2006 at 3:52:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Phineas the Finn said...

also, the scandinavians in general, are pretty fond of suicide.

December 28, 2006 at 4:20:00 PM EST  
Blogger greener said...

hi. so the fins; that i can answer. due to the mass darkness that befalls them often (low sun and all), they have high suicide rates in the winter. (literally, they wont sell rope during the winter due to hangings).

But, positively, the summer solstice; they travel to Northern Finland and have group orgies. To keep the population up (decrease inbreeding) An old tradition that is kept!

December 28, 2006 at 4:54:00 PM EST  
Blogger Cath said...

How is the Cote d'Ivoire an imaginary country?

December 30, 2006 at 6:30:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

has no one else noticed that [disgrundled] is spelled wrong??!! DISGRUNTLED. he's making a lot of comments here and it's making me uncomfortable. or, maybe this was pointed out ages ago and i missed it. or maybe it's spelled wrong on purpose as part of some kind of subtle joke that i'm far too obtuse to divine. whichever it is, i just couldn't resist pointing this out.

January 2, 2007 at 11:10:00 AM EST  
Blogger Caitiedid said...

last anon. look up grundle in the slang dictionary.

January 3, 2007 at 3:49:00 PM EST  

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