Tuesday, December 12, 2006

A Brief Prologue

I’m not going to bore you with a complete recounting of my trip, which wasn’t just building houses in New Orleans, but also included stops in Nashville, Orlando and West Palm Beach (you know, to balance out the “helping poor black families” by “doing middle-income white family things”). New Orleans obviously was the most interesting part of the trip, but just for the sake of painting a complete picture, here are some brief summations of the other destinations:

Nashville: We meant to go to Memphis. We didn’t realize this until our second day in Nashville when we couldn’t find either Beale St. or Graceland. Would later listen closely to the lyrics of “Walking in Memphis” and nod knowingly to each other.

Orlando: More attractions requiring 3-D glasses per capita than any city in the world (estimation). Also cheap drinks, sluts. Nice place.

West Palm Beach: Here’s how we decided to go to West Palm Beach:

Scott: “What’s the temperature in Daytona Beach.”

Me: “71.”

Scott: “How about West Palm Beach?”

Me: “79.”

Scott: “OK, let’s go there.”

Also reached the pinnacle of implied homosexuality here when Scott and I shared a cabana chair on the beach. Quote: “We couldn’t be more gay right now if you were doing me in the ass.” It doesn’t even matter which one of us said it.

A few other notes on miscellaneous items:

GPS is one of the most amazing inventions of all time. Especially because an hour and a half into the trip our map flew out the window in the middle of the Jersey Turnpike. After that, we became so reliant on GPS that at one point we programmed it to take us to the nearest Subway for a lunch break and as we exited the highway we saw a sign with an arrow pointing into a driveway that said “Subway,” but because the GPS said it was still 0.3 miles ahead, we drove right by. Later, we imagined GPS telling us not just things like “Turn right” or “In 200 feet, bear left” but “Pick up this hitchhiker, and kill him. No one will ever know.” I’m just glad it didn’t come to that.

Contrary to what you might think, trying to garner support as a Northerner in a Nashville karaoke bar by prefacing your song with “This is for our troops,” doesn’t work. Especially if you then sing “Dream On” by Aerosmith.

It’s a special time in one’s life the first time they buy new underwear instead of washing the underwear they already have.

Fact: Hanukkah doesn’t exist south of the Mason-Dixon. It’s unabashed Christmas fever everywhere. Jesus himself could rise again and hold a press conference saying, “I’m a regular guy! I’m not even that religious!” and they would simply put up more Christmas decorations to distract themselves from the paralyzing weight of their own humanity.

Finally, how come hotel advertisements preaching water conservation have a picture of a snow owl on them? It’s like on the day of the photo shoot the talent agency mistakenly sent over an owl instead of a fish, and the Marriot was like, “Well there’s no time now, just do the shoot!” Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the environment and not ruining it, but if someone is going to tell my why I shouldn’t ruin it I would at least like their logic to be correct. For example, I wouldn’t ask you to support the independent arts as an artistic bedrock of country’s collective imagination and then back it up with this:

26 Comments:

Blogger Nina said...

Another quizzical advertisement noted on BART last night:

"Avon Walk FOR Breast Cancer."

Not for the CURE to Breast Cancer, just for the actual cancer.

Same advertising agency? I think so.

December 12, 2006 at 4:09:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Down in the south we like to believe that if we put up enough christmas decorations, that people will forget we are all cheap sluts.

Thanks Dan, now everyone knows!!

December 12, 2006 at 4:11:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Velvet Sea said...

Re: Orlando. I'm confused- are the sluts and drinks cheap or just the drinks but they also have non-cheap sluts. My vacation plans depend on this information. Thx.

December 12, 2006 at 4:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

An important clarification: The drinks are cheap. The sluts, by contrast, are uninteresting.

December 12, 2006 at 4:33:00 PM EST  
Blogger Some Chick said...

I'm from Florida, originally, Ft. Lauderdale and we're just as slutty as those Orlando girls and Ft. Lauderdale has beaches (that should be the advertisement) and no Mickey Mouse, who I think seems a little too happy, manicial happy like he's planning on taking over the world. Just be glad you got out of there before you were forced into a game of shuffleboard.

December 12, 2006 at 4:40:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Libby Mae Brown said...

1) I would totally hear you on the Nashville/Memphis mix-up if "Walking in Memphis" didn't actually have the name of the city in the title.

2) I know you already hate Boston and most of surrounding Massachusetts. If you want a reason to hate it even more, try to depend on GPS while driving around it. My parents REFUSE to listen to my directions and consistently turn a 4 hour drive from LI into a 6 hour drive by relying on GPS because "GPS must know better than you do."

December 12, 2006 at 4:43:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

"Signed,
Bitter Tristate Girl Who Can't Stand That She is Being Replaced by a Machine."

There's no use fighting it - I heard the new GPS models can actually love you back.

December 12, 2006 at 4:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jules said...

Wow. I can't believe your map actually flew out the window. I thought that only happened in the movies.

December 12, 2006 at 4:52:00 PM EST  
Blogger Nina said...

Reasons why GPS is better than an actual partner:

1. It only says things that are intended to help you.
2. You can have it with or without a sexy British accent.
3. It's really, really good at giving directions.
4. GPS exists to help you get to where you want to go, not get in your way.
5. GPS cares, when don't no one else care.

December 12, 2006 at 5:01:00 PM EST  
Blogger kat said...

i'm actually doing the new orleans to memphis road trip in april. thanks for the warning; i'll make sure we don't accidentally end up in nashville.

December 12, 2006 at 5:16:00 PM EST  
Blogger universal muse said...

the clip was appropriately pedestrian :)

December 12, 2006 at 6:33:00 PM EST  
Blogger stephanie said...

No broad Only-Fanatical-Christians-In-The-South comments! I'm a natice New Yorker and now live in Jacksonville, FL and it is super liberal here -- at least over by the beach. There are tons more transplants now mixing it up, so it is not quite a Christmas vomitorium everywhere. AND, as I recall, walking down Fifth Avenue is like walking into a Snow Globe, but I wouldn't say that only Jesus-lovers live in NY.

December 12, 2006 at 6:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger jason said...

Hating on Bio-Dome? For shame...

Some of Steven Baldwin's finest work.

December 12, 2006 at 7:47:00 PM EST  
Blogger jason said...

It's probably for the best that you didn't make it to Memphis. It's kind of a let down. My brother lives there and I've spent a lot of time there. Its bleakness and poverty wears you down after a while. Nashville, however, is a lot cleaner, funner, exciting-er, etc...

December 12, 2006 at 7:50:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dave said...

A bit off topic, but how hot is Kylie Minogue in BioDome? Seriously.

December 12, 2006 at 9:32:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Atlanta is the only place worth visiting in the south. It's a real city (unlike Nashville or Orlando) with great karaoke bars, lots of northern transplants and sluts that are interesting. Also, women outnumber men by a large margin. More hot women with average looking guys than I've seen anywhere else.

December 12, 2006 at 9:58:00 PM EST  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I must admit, that song still makes me "act like an imbusal. I mean, embucel. I mean, IMM-BUH-SELL. Jeez, the word means dumb and I can't spell it, which makes me look really dumb.

December 12, 2006 at 11:01:00 PM EST  
Anonymous mai said...

Well Dan, are we going to see any pics of the trip?? And of all the helping?

December 13, 2006 at 8:07:00 AM EST  
Blogger DYLAN said...

I always buy new underwear instead of washing the underwear I have. I think that started in college. I also think it's why I have bad credit.

December 13, 2006 at 9:53:00 AM EST  
Blogger tim said...

Wait.... GPS didn't actually tell me to pick up that hitchhiker?? I think I've made a huge mistake.

December 13, 2006 at 9:54:00 AM EST  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

but that is the safety dance. it backs up everything.

December 13, 2006 at 10:08:00 AM EST  
Blogger heatheradair said...

yep, they CAN love you back...

I think I knew a guy once that wished it was the Global Positioning girl in bed with him instead of me...

yeah, I could fake it with, "bear right, half mile," but I guess it just wasn't the same.

err...and as I write that I'm realizing I could probably come up with a good handful of really lame sex metaphors using the GPS lingo...

"you have arrived at your destination..."

December 13, 2006 at 10:37:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Dan, do you remember which karaoke bar you went to in Nashville? I was in that town last night. Just curious.

December 13, 2006 at 10:43:00 AM EST  
Anonymous lorimocha said...

Why do you hate owls, Dan?

December 13, 2006 at 1:10:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Vodkamusings said...

OMG - finally someone else who has ended up in Nashville when they meant to go to Memphis. We could be soulmates.....or really really bad for each other....which would probably be more fun anyway.

December 14, 2006 at 5:44:00 PM EST  
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December 11, 2008 at 2:40:00 AM EST  

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