Wednesday, December 20, 2006

A Christmas Memory

My girlfriend says the reason my old blog was better than my new blog is because my old blog had more personal anecdotes in it. She also says things like, “You’re so handsome!” so I’m inclined to believe her.

In lieu of all that, and because it’s Christmas time, and I love Christmas, and I’m topical, I thought I would post a Christmas-themed anecdote today. Here it is.

I don’t remember exactly how old I was – most likely 7 or 8, which is the age range I use whenever I cannot remember exactly when something from my childhood occurred. It was a few weeks before Christmas, and back then my family had a fake Christmas tree, one of those with the metal “trunk” that ran down the middle and all the metal “branches” were inserted into the “trunk” and, 20 minutes later, there was a perfectly formed polystyrene tree in your living room. It worked for us because we were a blue collar family without enough disposable income to go wasting it on dead trees but with enough class to decorate the hell out of our fake one.

Anyway, we were playing Christmas carols and the whole family was engaged in some aspect of the decorating – hanging lights, stringing cranberries and popcorn, unboxing ornaments, etc. I was helping my father assemble the tree by handing him the color coded branches to insert into the trunk. I remember that even at such an early age I thought that this was “the manly” portion of the work and I was proud to be helping my father do it.

But then I got bored and started swinging the tree branch around like a sword. My father turned to receive the next branch from me when, in my zealousness, I stuck the tip of the branch in his eye. It scratched his cornea and we had to take him to the hospital. He had to wear a patch for weeks. Just a few months ago I found out that all these years later he is still sometimes woken up by a shooting pain in his eye.

And a Happy New Year!


Blogger Some Chick said...

When I was 7 or 8 (I also think 7 or 8 is a nice number if you can't remember your exact age for a childhood story) my mom tripped over one of my clogs in the garage and broke her foot. It was just an ordinary day, not Christmas but to this day she still gets shooting pains in her foot sometimes. That's what she get's for grounding me every other day.

December 20, 2006 at 4:45:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


A new girlfriend?! Is it Heather of the Hair?

What's going on here?

When I was little my sister stepped on my newborn Christmas kitten, snapping it's neck.

Not the best Christmas ever.

December 20, 2006 at 5:19:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

The best family Christmas ancedotes always end in some quasi tragic fashion in my house. Like the time my brother thought it would be a good idea to fry oysters in a shallow sauce pan. Full of boiling oil. Knees, skulls, and egos all hit the linoleum with equal lack of aplomb that particular Christmas eve.

December 20, 2006 at 5:20:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

One year my brother was placed in timeout next to the Christmas tree. Next thing we knew, he had inserted tinsle into the light socket and lit the carpet on fire. Remembering a recent fire safety lesson taught at school, I ran out of the house in my Snoopy nightgown sobbing. It turned out alright, and Brother was grounded even longer. Hah. Sucker.

December 20, 2006 at 5:25:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sister threw away $200 in cash in some wrapping paper. We spent Christmas day at the dump in Las Vegas going through trash.

We found it and got on the news. So did the trash guy.

December 20, 2006 at 6:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger Brutal Honesty said...

Putting the tree together was always the "man" job in my family too. I never helped with the branches though. I was always too busy running around the livingroom acting like a movie star with my garland boa draped around my neck.

December 20, 2006 at 7:02:00 PM EST  
Blogger sadielady said...

you have a new girlfriend? what? dan, are you telling me that my christmas wish to santa that you will be my new boyfriend isn't going to come true?


December 20, 2006 at 8:09:00 PM EST  
Blogger scott said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

December 20, 2006 at 8:45:00 PM EST  
Blogger scott said...

It's the story of the Christmas you brought a tear to your father's eye.

(It's a homograph! GET IT! HA!!)

Hello, Dan.

December 20, 2006 at 8:57:00 PM EST  
Blogger Libby Mae Brown said...

A1, that is the most horrible, terrible one-sentence story I have ever heard.

I think I'm still in shock from it.

December 20, 2006 at 9:43:00 PM EST  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I'm sure the eye hurt like a bitch, but if he's anything like my dad he was more mad that you were holding the branch with the wrong colored tape.

December 20, 2006 at 9:45:00 PM EST  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

There must be something in the male chromosomes, because just this year my son was assisting me set up the fake Christmas tree by handing me the branches, but then he got bored and started pretending the branch was a gun. He started “shooting” with it by making gun noises and jabbing the branch towards whatever he was aiming at (apparently the bullets need that extra oomph to reach their target) and if it wasn’t for my ninja like reflexes my nether region would have been impaled by a green, plastic, tree branch. Nice.

December 20, 2006 at 10:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

X-Mas's are better in disfunctional families, like when your dad comes home drunk off his ass when his parents are in from outta town and he wants to "rebel" at his old age by the way, and "act out" in front of them, to show them hes "grown up" and so he begins to make obscene comments to them and mother is tellin him to shower it off and he proceeds to push her away causing her to fall on the X-mas tree and the tree - fallllls , lights blow out, dad looks at what he did, looks at parents, and looks back at tree and wife, then puts his head down and proceeds to walk with a tail between his legs to shower his "rebeliosness off".

Just thought i'd share it. I think I was about 7 or 8 too.. hmmm for some reason x-mas always was a bit different since then...oh well, jolly bells...
ps - whats this about you having a new gf? Fine, if you're gonna break hearts your now entitled to write a blog all about her..

December 21, 2006 at 2:00:00 AM EST  
Blogger Scott said...

Man, your families are messed up. (Not Dan's because I'm secretly trying to get adopted by them)

December 21, 2006 at 8:01:00 AM EST  
Blogger Gaijinity said...

Save the Christmas anecdotes, tell us about the girlfriend. Please.

December 21, 2006 at 9:19:00 AM EST  
Blogger Sarah said...

awww! Your poor dad! We too had that tree, but we had two; one real and one fake.

So, a girlfriend already? You work fast!

And Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you.

December 21, 2006 at 9:50:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahaha that's awesome.

merry christmas! :)

December 21, 2006 at 10:22:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jarad said...

Oh, sumin wrong wit you boy. What the hell kind of Christmas anecdote was that? That was awful. That's the kind of Christmas anecdote you tell people when you can't physically reach through your computer screen and scratch their corneas with metal Christmas tree branches like you secretly long to. You sick bastard.

P.S. That broken neck kitty story is pretty F*cked up too. I'm just saying.

December 21, 2006 at 10:32:00 AM EST  
Anonymous kathy said...

Okay, Christmas at the in-laws, just two years after I married into the insanity. Drunk BIL, even drunker SIL (by marriage), get into a shouting fight about appropriate behavior in front of kids (mind you they are both cursing up a storm), next thing you know there is a tussle, then fist fight breaks out, MIL steps in to break it up and takes two in the head from the SIL, my husband goes to get involved (he's also been drinking) and I stop that until they move out of the marbled floored foyer, once they are on the carpet I unleash my dog (husband) and he picks up his brother under both arms (sort of Full Nelsonish) and carrys him upstairs to the bathroom and throws him in the shower. Now BIL is wet and pissed, SIL's painty waist husband finally gets ahold of his kids and tells his wife they are leaving. My husbands oldest sister is on the phoine dialing 911, I hang the phone up before she completes the call. In a matter of 5 minutes the house goes from over 20 occupants to just 4 (MIL, FIL, My Husband and I) and my FIL says "where did everybody go?" I started laughing my ass of and couldn't stop. He is practically deaf, never turns on his hearing aides when there are that many people in the house, and he apparently didn't see a thing. Anyway, my husband looks at me with disgust and says "it's not funny" Oh yes it is my dear. Your family makes my family look normal!

Merry Christmas, who has the gloves?

December 21, 2006 at 10:39:00 AM EST  
Blogger Hope said...

You can’t just open a post with “My girlfriend…” and not give us any info. We deserve more than that.

My most tragic Christmas story is the time my younger brother dropped several pounds of prime rib on the floor thus ruining Christmas dinner. He still has not lived that down.

December 21, 2006 at 10:39:00 AM EST  
Blogger Kelly said...

Dan, you should pitch that story for a new Christmas themed show. Similar to "When Animals Attack," except more "inanimate" and "poked in sensitive body regions".

It would make a long title, but it would be damn funny! ... and then! and then, like, the producers of the show follow up with the family six months/years later to see if the trauma is still affecting them. Sadly, in your dad's case, the answer would be yes.

Ah bien.

Merrrrry Christmas!

December 21, 2006 at 10:44:00 AM EST  
Blogger mm said...

I'm sure your dad secretly hates you.

Happy Holidays!

December 21, 2006 at 11:43:00 AM EST  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

I'm sure I'm not the first to point this out... but those of us who read your blog daily feel that we are a part of your life. So, when you throw out christmas bombs like, "my girlfriend" without explanation, we get confused and maybe a little bitter that you didn't share any of this information before this date.

Unless, of course, you have gotten incredibly lazy and recycled this post from something you wrote last year. In which case, you suck.

Pretty much you suck either way.
...and a happy new year! :)

December 21, 2006 at 12:22:00 PM EST  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

having scratched my cornea mere days after I had lazer eye surgery, I have actual sympathy tears in my eyes from reading your anecdote. Your dad must love you a lot.

December 21, 2006 at 2:04:00 PM EST  
Blogger Bunny said...

Girlfriend? Details, please!!!
lol. All my 7 or 8 year old Christmas memories are of my mom getting drunk and fistfighting with my grandma (her mom) or my uncle (her "little" brother). Good to know it's not the worst - that definately goes to the unfortunate kitty who got stepped on. . . .

December 21, 2006 at 2:29:00 PM EST  
Blogger [mother] said...

Scott, I adopted you a long time ago - along with James, Matt, Brendon,B.J. and John.

It's my pleasure.

December 21, 2006 at 3:26:00 PM EST  
Anonymous la bonette said...

I just wanted to tell you, dear Dan, that even in Europe, and especially in Berlin girls are crying over the fact that you have a new girlfriend. I was just saving money so I could move to New York. BTW: My English sucks, but so does your German (I think?). Frohes Fest from Old Europe.

December 21, 2006 at 3:48:00 PM EST  
Blogger My Novelty Organ said...

Thanks for the honorable mention [mother]...i was almost hurt until i read further.

December 21, 2006 at 9:37:00 PM EST  
Blogger Meow said...

Whoa, did Dan's mom just leave a comment?

December 27, 2006 at 1:45:00 PM EST  
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December 11, 2008 at 2:51:00 AM EST  

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