Thursday, December 7, 2006

The Couple Guy's Guide to Singlehood

When Dan­ - one of only a handful of personal acquaintances whose ability to elicit gut-bursting laughter makes yours truly look like Dane Cook – asked me to guest post for his new blog, I was obviously flattere­d and immediately said yes. A lot of you probably know my site - This Is What We Do Now - which was arguably one of the most popular New York City blogs going for a while before I hit the inevitable wall, though lately I've experienced something of a writing resurgence.

If you're familiar with my work, you've undoubtedly read the various tongue-in-cheek "Single Guy's Guide" posts that my formerly bitter self unleashed on an unsuspecting blog community, paving the way for an entire generation of angry anonymous commenters to vent their displeasure.

I can't help but find it somewhat ironic that right around the time Dan reached an incredibly low point in his personal life, resulting in the termination of a four-year relationship as well as his blog, I was busy falling in love for the very first time. Not to rub salt in the wound, but there's some sort of strange karma there.

However, now that Dan seems to be back on his feet, I thought I'd welcome his newly single self back to the wonderful world of dating in New York City. You see, while Dan basks in bachelorhood, he has so many potential women to look forward to meeting:

He can date a girl who won't hook up with him unless he goes down on her every single time they hang out.

He can have a friend set him up with a girl who is far cuter in her Facebook photo than in person and has the dubious distinction of being one of the most boring people on the entire planet, making him wish the bar he was unfortunately stuck at served food so he could jam a fork in his thorax.

He can be set up with a girl who can't commit because she's too hung up on her 60-year-old college professor.

He can be duped into hooking up with a slightly heavier girl due to the fact that he assumes she has a sizable rack, only to be horrified upon disrobing her and finding her breasts are smaller than a 12-year-old's.

He can date a vegetarian.

He can date a girl who gives worse head than a seventh grader.

He can date a girl who's been giving head since seventh grade.

He can date a mute, clingy virgin who his friends can't stand and who requires his accompaniment everywhere, including the bathroom.

He can date a girl who appears to have eaten several of his ex-girlfriends.

He can date a girl who is (a) so slow that she fails to understand the concept of a traffic light, and (b) so unhinged that she breaks up with him after he accidentally steps in a piece of her birthday cake.

He can date any of the one million so-Jappy-she-makes-your-average-Lehigh-sorostitute-look-chaste Colie clones that currently reside in Murray Hill. Oh wait, no he can't; he's not Jewish.

As you can see, the New York City dating pool is rife with quality, and it's only a matter of time before Dan falls ass backwards into a physically, romantically and intellectually rewarding relationship.


Blogger Gaijinity said... it a HUGE problem do you think, physiologically and psychologically speaking, if one has existed in some manifestation of EVERY SINGLE ONE of these girls in a relatively short 27-year span? Except the Jap version. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

December 7, 2006 at 9:03:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

These guest posts blow you people are weirdos.

December 7, 2006 at 10:08:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Larry, your era has past my friend.

Please don't to spoil all of the great memories by publishing more of this second rate claptrap. You are trying WAY TOO HARD now.

Just stop writing and make TIWWDN a shrine to your past glory, at least until you are really inspired to be thoughtful and funny.

December 7, 2006 at 10:15:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bitter, Table of One.

December 7, 2006 at 10:28:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

either way, i hope he chronicles it all.

December 7, 2006 at 10:37:00 AM EST  
Blogger Kelly said...

This was good! He's got his friend's intrest at heart, and is letting him know what's out there. errr...

Just one question, however: what's a sorostitute?

December 7, 2006 at 10:44:00 AM EST  
Blogger mm said...

I vote for unhinged girl. It will make for some super exciting blog posts. Although the clingy virgin sounds pretty hot as well...

December 7, 2006 at 10:54:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Larry said...

Kelly: sorority girl + prostitute = sorostitute, although more than one person could probably make the argument that combining both terms is rather redundant.

December 7, 2006 at 11:12:00 AM EST  
Blogger Danny said...

I dont know Larry, though I tend to hate Jewish girls despite being a jewbag myself, I kind of having a thing for Colie. I think it has to do with her being a slut.

December 7, 2006 at 11:22:00 AM EST  
Blogger Z. Madison said...

fyi - the city's full of mute virgin men too. unfortunately i speak from former single girl experience...

December 7, 2006 at 11:33:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Larry said...

Danny - Despite poking fun at her, I too find Colie attractive, though that doesn't change the fact that she is every Jewish girl from the northeast combined.

December 7, 2006 at 11:41:00 AM EST  
Blogger White Dade said...

Well, Lar. Good to see the old venom is still there. As I said before, you think Dan can fill the angry youg man void you've left? I'm not sure, I'm not sure.

Kind of like riding a bike, isn't it?

December 7, 2006 at 12:48:00 PM EST  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I think more girls should institute the "no hooking up without going down" policy. Guys tend to be entirely too selfish in that aspect.

December 7, 2006 at 1:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

Rebecca, that's just silly. THe girl shouldn't expect that. It's nice when we do it, but it should be only done on special occassions (like the return of haley's comet) so the girl is appreciative of how much you've been willing to inconvenience yourself to make her happy.

December 7, 2006 at 1:53:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whatever happened to "Jewish Girls Have the Biggest Fucking Tits"? So what's the problem with Colie? And who he hell is she?
Larry - great that your 'smack is back'. Now, get your ass back over to TIWWDN and start writing!
PS - I like the "Bitter, Table for One" line. I gotta remember that shit the next time I meet a woman that's got her ... Whoops, sounds bitter. Besides, dinner's ready.

December 7, 2006 at 2:18:00 PM EST  
Blogger birdie said...

bitter, table of one; see also- sorostitute; usually a previous high school Homecoming queen, she can be found in ill-fitting tube tops in the dead of winter, hoping to attract the eye of the male species. Tends to take off the aforementioned tube top after one glass of wine or a “really big” tequila shot. Has been known to carry copious amounts of herpes.

December 7, 2006 at 2:53:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh God. Now I feel so normal. Thanks! I'm just a sweet Canadian girl...

December 7, 2006 at 4:36:00 PM EST  
Blogger Laaw-yuhr said...

Now now, in all fairness, you know full well that each of these women has a male corollary (e.g. overly emotional sensitive boy, way too old to be acting like a frat-tard guy, everything he knows about sex he learned from porn guy, etc.)

If only these people could find one another instead of torturing the rest of us.

December 7, 2006 at 4:57:00 PM EST  
Blogger jason said...

ukmntI know girls (my current girlfriend in fact) who will go down on a guy before she's ready to ride his baloney pony. But I only whistle through the wheatfield when I've been with a girl several times, we're having a actual relationship, I like her, and I've established that she has good personal hygeine. Cunnilingus is far more involved that fellatio. I think most guys are with me on this. If a girl rejects me because I don't go down on her the first time we makeout, that's her problem. I don't expect her to give me head and swallow till we are a little ways into the relationship.

December 7, 2006 at 8:59:00 PM EST  
Blogger City Gal said...

I can only hope my dating life will be half as exciting as this...

December 8, 2006 at 2:07:00 AM EST  
Blogger Rebecca said...

HIN: You COULD say that... In which case, girls should institute the same policy for going down on guys. Why do guys assume fellatio is more fun or cleaner than cunnilingus? Hello? It's really not. Sigh. Guys think they should get head all the time.

December 8, 2006 at 10:35:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, I want to know why you have the perception that fellatio is somehow cleaner and more fun than cunnilingus???

December 8, 2006 at 11:50:00 AM EST  
Blogger elvira black said...

Larry, you are still in fine form. Congrats on your new relationship. As far as your sabbatical, let's get real--if it's a choice between blogging regularly and mindblowing new relationship sex, it's a no-brainer, right?

December 9, 2006 at 12:52:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

franny was my lover but she ran off with akon iyke and everbody in the block i noticed this when two men were playing tig in her bed but now we talked it over and agreed to have anopen relationship so she can play tig with who she wants

December 19, 2006 at 5:25:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

franny d likes anal

December 19, 2006 at 5:29:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tash has a huge dong write if you want some

December 19, 2006 at 5:30:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fiona had a threesome with a rabbit and a monkey! Anyother animals wantin some fun???

December 19, 2006 at 5:32:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Larry's a wanker fiona likes him!

December 19, 2006 at 5:32:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

fiona who wrote this ABOUT FRANNY D is a total slut and that is why i slept with someone else cause i she is shit in bed

December 19, 2006 at 5:34:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the rabbit fiona went with and i agree she was shit! The monkey was way better!

December 19, 2006 at 5:35:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a horse will that do?

December 19, 2006 at 5:36:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

frannt has anal with a stool leg

December 19, 2006 at 5:38:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get the facts right. Colie lives in Chelsea...Not Murray Hill.

September 24, 2007 at 5:36:00 PM EDT  
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December 11, 2008 at 2:35:00 AM EST  

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