Thursday, December 21, 2006

Emailing It In: A Romantic Comedy

Fine. You want to know about my new girlfriend, here you go:

It’s not like I was hell bent on finding another girlfriend. I didn’t take a bunch of girls, throw them against the wall and see which one stuck. Like most fortunate events (the lottery, sex) it just happened. In fact, how we met is the fourth most romantic story ever told, right behind The Titanic, The Notebook, and Romeo and Juliet. (We’re really pushing for a heartbreaking, tragic death – i.e. plane crashes in snowy mountain, we eat each other to survive – to bump us up the list.)

So here it is.

From: [redacted] (Hey, that’s the name of the blog!)
To: digthedump@gmail.com
Sent: Wednesday, September 20, 2006 3:11 PM
Subject: so I have a friend

And she fell madly in love with your blog. And then you stopped blogging. Which leaves her a bit sad. So if you’re ever feeling bored and lonely, she’d love to hear from you. She has no idea that I am emailing you. But she’s the cutest thing ever. (Ed. Note: True.) You two might be soul mates.

From: Daniel Murphy
To: [redacted]
Sent: Wed 9/20/2006 8:41 PM
Subject: Re: so I have a friend

You might just be on to something. But I can't seem to get the note to her to sound right. I started with, "Your friend said if I was ever bored and lonely, you were the person to call," but then realized I once wrote the exact same thing to a prostitute. (An exotic one, don't worry.)

Any suggestions? (Or should I just do whatever it says next in my Jane Austin novel?)

From: [redacted]
To: digthedump@gmail.com
Sent: Wednesday, September 20, 2006 3:11 PM
Subject: RE: so I have a friend

Well, Daniel. If I had all the answers I'd be writing to my own online crush and not “Brooke's.” I've let her in on this little secret, though, and she's going to take it from here ...

Best of luck. It's ridiculous out there.

(Ed. Note: insert cold sweat)

From: Brooke
To: digthedump@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, September 21, 2006 12:03 PM
Subject: FW: so I have a friend

The weirdest part of this is that I am that very same exotic prostitute.

When Allison forwarded me your email, I figured I had three options.

1. Allison could continue to write to you on my behalf, Cyrano de Bergerac-style. But then you would fall in love with her, and she would really be me. And I would be Daryl Hannah.

2. We could go the Jane Austen route: Allison would be very witty and you would fall in love with her, again. (Jerk.) But on the plus side, we would get to dance a promenade and spell "choose" like this: "chuse."

3. I just write you myself. But subtly make you think of prostitutes.

With sensible affection,
“Brooke”

From: Daniel Murphy
To: “Brooke”
Sent: Thursday, September 21, 2006 6:40 PM
Subject: Re: FW: so I have a friend

I like your choice, going with option 3. The last time I danced a promenade I unwittingly seduced a wench. Who knew a simple box step could be so inviting?

I'm not one for banal pleasantries (I try to be as action-packed and unpleasant as possible), but I feel like you know everything about me because of my blog and all I know is that you know how to read and you pen an impossibly cute email. So (wait for it) Tell Me About Yourself. Start with, oh I don't know, credit card numbers. We'll go from there.

P.S. "Splash" (starring Daryl Hannah) was one of my favorite movies growing up, and not just because I like blonds and I like fish. But the all time favorite movie of my youth (gross exaggeration) was "Roxanne." I was simultaneously repulsed and mystified by his nose. And since then it has been a dream of mine to climb a house and profess my love for a girl. I imagine this isn't the sort of response you were counting on after dropping an innocuous Daryl Hannah reference.

Sensibly Affected,
Dan

From: “Brooke”
To: Daniel Murphy
Sent: Thursday, September 21, 2006 9:59 PM
Subject: RE: FW: so I have a friend

Daryl Hannah has inspired many a dream, like the one where Eugene Levy pours water all over me while yelling “she’s a fish.” (It’s kind of erotic in a totally not erotic way.)

Equaling the playing board, some facts about me:

1. I work for [redacted]. Basically I write emails, which are bettering mankind if you imagine that a better mankind involves cute handbags and trendy restaurants. I ended up at [redacted] kind of by default, which is how I make most of my important life decisions.

2. I grew up in NY. (Long Island, actually, though I rarely admit it, but I thought I’d share because a good relationship is built on cautiously selected moments of honesty.)

3. I went to school at U.C.L.A. for a few reasons: I wanted to move as far away as possible while still living in the continental United States, I wanted to be an actress (cause I’m emotional unstable in the she’s-so-cute-I-can-save-her kind of way), and because my favorite childhood movie was Pretty Woman. So I knew that Los Angeles had palm trees and that if you knew your way around a car (I don’t) and were willing to have sex for money (who isn’t?), a man would climb up the terrace of your East Hollywood apartment with flowers. And isn’t that every little girl’s dream -- an East Hollywood apartment? So L.A. it was. (My other favorite movie was Dirty Dancing, but the Catskills are cold and don’t have any big ten schools. It’s not that I’m a huge college sports fan, but sometimes you want to crack a beer and watch a good game, even if you have to put a little money down to make it interesting).

4. I then lived in L.A. and did various L.A.-like things.

5. I moved back to NY a year and half ago. I now live in Brooklyn, in the basement of an old hospital, which is mostly true.

6. Lastly, I am an Aquarius. Once my brother decided to indulge my horoscope beliefs. I thought I was astounding him with my accurate predictions about Cancers. He then revealed that he was not a Cancer, but a Gemini. (I’m not good at remembering birthdays, or anniversaries, or details.) But I was not rattled by his cruel trick. I plan on sticking irrationally to my few capricious beliefs.

I was going to wait to send this email so you wouldn’t think I was home, alone, on my computer, watching The Office (fine, fine, Grey’s Anatomy). But I decided to throw caution to the wind, and let the chips fall where they may.

“Brooke”

Well the chips fell right into my lap, in more ways than one (zing!)* and a mere two and a half months later I had a new girlfriend. Serendipitous? You bet. But at the same time it should be inspiring to everyone who is looking for love – because you never know when it could happen to you.**

____________________________
* Aaaand I’m single again.

** The writer of this blog cannot guarantee outcomes of meeting people through blogs and holds no liability should anyone be injured or killed in an attempt to replicate this situation.

39 Comments:

Blogger SoberCityGirl said...

You're both awesome.

December 21, 2006 at 4:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger kate said...

OK, I'm mad at my friends now for not helping me like this.

December 21, 2006 at 4:31:00 PM EST  
Anonymous [poodle] said...

I am the best friend ever.

December 21, 2006 at 4:38:00 PM EST  
Blogger MonkeyPants said...

What's that sound?


Why it's the hearts of your smitten readers all simultaneously breaking and then bursting into flames and then exploding messily and then...

Cheers, Dan. Sounds like an excellent match.

I'd second what kate says but I'm afraid of my friends' tastes in men for the most part.

December 21, 2006 at 4:44:00 PM EST  
Blogger MonkeyPants said...

And look! I put up a picture. Kinda sorta...

Bring on the penis pics!

I mean... not your pics...

December 21, 2006 at 4:47:00 PM EST  
Blogger Hope said...

I will readily admit I kind of have a crush on your new girlfriend after those emails. Too bad I don't have a blog anymore.

December 21, 2006 at 4:52:00 PM EST  
Blogger Libby Mae Brown said...

YAYYYY! So when do I get to meet this new, witty (if those are the real, un-edited e-mails) lady friend?

December 21, 2006 at 5:03:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok Brooke. You had better start gearing up to meet the "fam". We're quite a bunch.

December 21, 2006 at 5:06:00 PM EST  
Anonymous amish said...

In the words of every token insignificant movie character (in this case, blogger) who witnesses a more significant character (again, blogger) pull off amazing, hard-to-believe success with an even harder-to-believe girl (after those emails, I think I have a crush on Brooke):

"Dude, teach me."

December 21, 2006 at 5:10:00 PM EST  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

I am totally with Hope.

I think "Brooke" might need to blog, if she doesn't already...

December 21, 2006 at 5:38:00 PM EST  
Blogger a leather glove said...

Saving that one for a day when you didn't feel like writing much, eh?

December 21, 2006 at 5:41:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

Is this the Brooke from the blind date?

This post gives me hope for my date tonight! Congrats on the catch, sounds like someone needs to let the new girlfriend guest blog...

December 21, 2006 at 5:42:00 PM EST  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

Aaaaaawwwwww, thanks for finally getting it out there. Brooke is funny -- can she have her own blog? ...or maybe you guys can take turns... I'm just saying....

December 21, 2006 at 7:44:00 PM EST  
Blogger julia said...

co-blogging ends in misery. just FYI.
or maybe the two are unrelated.

"irregardless!"

have to love the power of the interweb.

December 21, 2006 at 8:20:00 PM EST  
Blogger Meow said...

This was an unbelieveably interesting post.

And, because I am omniscient, you two are meant for each other. I mean, Daryl Hannah? Cyrano? Jane Austen? If I were single and in a flirting stage of life, I might have proposed marriage to both of you after those emails.

I doubt Massachusetts would go that far, though.

December 21, 2006 at 9:04:00 PM EST  
Blogger Gaijinity said...

SWOON. SIGH. And all I have to look forward to this briefest of vacations are the affections of an underage Frenchman, and all that that implies... (he DID turn 21 today, though, which really doesn't bode well for his state of mind from here on in). Ah, well. I'll take what I can get and live in anticipation of getting seduced via e-mail by someone who can read AND write impossibly cute e-mails. Merry Christmas!

December 21, 2006 at 9:07:00 PM EST  
Blogger Airam said...

Now that's what I call luck.

For some people it happens in a snap ... for everyone else ... well ... it's well worth the wait?

December 21, 2006 at 9:38:00 PM EST  
Blogger Alejandra said...

That's just too perfect

December 21, 2006 at 9:53:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

hmph...

December 22, 2006 at 12:28:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

She sounds like the female version of you.
Thanks for sharing...that story was 100 times better than "You've Got Mail."

December 22, 2006 at 9:52:00 AM EST  
Blogger the girl also blogs said...

I'm confused - what's with the "and I'm single again" on the bottom?

Anyway, it's still a much more romantic and enticing beginning-of-courtship than I've ever experienced. Usually it's, "hey, you're cute, let's screw, you're the woman of my dreams!" I don't know how many times I've had to tell THAT story.

December 22, 2006 at 10:17:00 AM EST  
Anonymous vodkamusings said...

Actually *I* was that exotic prostitute....and you still owe me 50 bucks!

December 22, 2006 at 10:25:00 AM EST  
Blogger dmbmeg said...

where are all my adoring blog fans, dammit?!

this post did not give me hope. It made me bitter and resentful that I'm not funny enough to get laid from my blog.

perhaps I need to go more in the way of gratuitous breast shots.

December 22, 2006 at 10:49:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh man, your ex-girlfriend is totally reading this right now and feeling just sick.

December 22, 2006 at 11:03:00 AM EST  
Anonymous 8675309 said...

That was the cutest post EVER.

but...

I am also confused by the last line..."and I am single again."

~Jen

December 22, 2006 at 11:18:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Aand I'm single again."

The writer is making a play on words between the expression "something falling into your lap" (luck) and the idea of having a girl on your lap.

He jokes that the clear sexual undertones will offend his new paramour. But his diction and the colloquial drag of the word "Aand" clearly allude to this being a joke.

December 22, 2006 at 11:30:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

'AAAAAnd I'm single again'. What does that mean? That the blogger stalkers might have a crack at the danster if we come up with emails that are witty, original and genuinely funny? *crap* I guess that counts me out. Oh, but I think you've got some 'splaining' to do....

December 22, 2006 at 11:31:00 AM EST  
Blogger R2K said...

: )

December 22, 2006 at 11:38:00 AM EST  
Blogger dmbmeg said...

to the people who don't understand the "and I'm single again" comment. I think the author here was referring to his rather crass comment about metaphorical "chips" (read: his girlfriend) falling into his lap. When the girlfriend reads said metaphor, she will dump him. get it?

December 22, 2006 at 12:11:00 PM EST  
Blogger a leather glove said...

I was under the impression that [girlfriend] actually dumped chips (presumably on accident) into his lap. Do you people not know how to follow the asterisky thingies?

December 22, 2006 at 12:35:00 PM EST  
Blogger MonkeyPants said...

"Earn more sessions by sleeving?"

December 22, 2006 at 12:37:00 PM EST  
Blogger Lisa said...

What a completely and utterly charming, funny, well told story!

December 22, 2006 at 4:35:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Glamourpuss said...

Now that I was gonna ask you out! My timing sucks :)

December 23, 2006 at 12:37:00 PM EST  
Blogger Denyse said...

you two are chanelling Joey and Pacey...very cute

December 23, 2006 at 7:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger mm said...

Wow. That was the cutest bit of witty banter I've ever read. She's a keeper.

December 26, 2006 at 10:57:00 AM EST  
Blogger greener said...

wow, thats the most grossly romantic and cute story, ever.
Happiness to you though!

December 27, 2006 at 3:10:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kyran said...

my husband's and my courtship is also preserved in a stack of emails.

the kids will soon be old enough to ask how mommy and daddy met and to use the freedom of information act to requistition the print-outs. I fear we will have to be heavy handed with the big black marker.

you might save yourselves the trouble and start using code early.

December 29, 2006 at 8:31:00 AM EST  
Blogger Poodle said...

man, i am STILL the best friend ever

October 1, 2007 at 12:36:00 PM EDT  
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