Emailing It In: A Romantic Comedy

Fine. You want to know about my new girlfriend, here you go:

It’s not like I was hell bent on finding another girlfriend. I didn’t take a bunch of girls, throw them against the wall and see which one stuck. Like most fortunate events (the lottery, sex) it just happened. In fact, how we met is the fourth most romantic story ever told, right behind The Titanic, The Notebook, and Romeo and Juliet. (We’re really pushing for a heartbreaking, tragic death – i.e. plane crashes in snowy mountain, we eat each other to survive – to bump us up the list.)

So here it is.

From: [redacted] (Hey, that’s the name of the blog!)
To: digthedump@gmail.com
Sent: Wednesday, September 20, 2006 3:11 PM
Subject: so I have a friend

And she fell madly in love with your blog. And then you stopped blogging. Which leaves her a bit sad. So if you’re ever feeling bored and lonely, she’d love to hear from you. She has no idea that I am emailing you. But she’s the cutest thing ever. (Ed. Note: True.) You two might be soul mates.

From: Daniel Murphy
To: [redacted]
Sent: Wed 9/20/2006 8:41 PM
Subject: Re: so I have a friend

You might just be on to something. But I can't seem to get the note to her to sound right. I started with, "Your friend said if I was ever bored and lonely, you were the person to call," but then realized I once wrote the exact same thing to a prostitute. (An exotic one, don't worry.)

Any suggestions? (Or should I just do whatever it says next in my Jane Austin novel?)

From: [redacted]
To: digthedump@gmail.com
Sent: Wednesday, September 20, 2006 3:11 PM
Subject: RE: so I have a friend

Well, Daniel. If I had all the answers I'd be writing to my own online crush and not “Brooke's.” I've let her in on this little secret, though, and she's going to take it from here ...

Best of luck. It's ridiculous out there.

(Ed. Note: insert cold sweat)

From: “Brooke”
To: digthedump@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, September 21, 2006 12:03 PM
Subject: FW: so I have a friend

The weirdest part of this is that I am that very same exotic prostitute.

When Allison forwarded me your email, I figured I had three options.

1. Allison could continue to write to you on my behalf, Cyrano de Bergerac-style. But then you would fall in love with her, and she would really be me. And I would be Daryl Hannah.

2. We could go the Jane Austen route: Allison would be very witty and you would fall in love with her, again. (Jerk.) But on the plus side, we would get to dance a promenade and spell "choose" like this: "chuse."

3. I just write you myself. But subtly make you think of prostitutes.

With sensible affection,
“Brooke”

From: Daniel Murphy
To: “Brooke”
Sent: Thursday, September 21, 2006 6:40 PM
Subject: Re: FW: so I have a friend

I like your choice, going with option 3. The last time I danced a promenade I unwittingly seduced a wench. Who knew a simple box step could be so inviting?

I'm not one for banal pleasantries (I try to be as action-packed and unpleasant as possible), but I feel like you know everything about me because of my blog and all I know is that you know how to read and you pen an impossibly cute email. So (wait for it) Tell Me About Yourself. Start with, oh I don't know, credit card numbers. We'll go from there.

P.S. "Splash" (starring Daryl Hannah) was one of my favorite movies growing up, and not just because I like blonds and I like fish. But the all time favorite movie of my youth (gross exaggeration) was "Roxanne." I was simultaneously repulsed and mystified by his nose. And since then it has been a dream of mine to climb a house and profess my love for a girl. I imagine this isn't the sort of response you were counting on after dropping an innocuous Daryl Hannah reference.

Sensibly Affected,
Dan

From: “Brooke”
To: Daniel Murphy
Sent: Thursday, September 21, 2006 9:59 PM
Subject: RE: FW: so I have a friend

Daryl Hannah has inspired many a dream, like the one where Eugene Levy pours water all over me while yelling “she’s a fish.” (It’s kind of erotic in a totally not erotic way.)

Equaling the playing board, some facts about me:

1. I work for [redacted]. Basically I write emails, which are bettering mankind if you imagine that a better mankind involves cute handbags and trendy restaurants. I ended up at [redacted] kind of by default, which is how I make most of my important life decisions.

2. I grew up in NY. (Long Island, actually, though I rarely admit it, but I thought I’d share because a good relationship is built on cautiously selected moments of honesty.)

3. I went to school at U.C.L.A. for a few reasons: I wanted to move as far away as possible while still living in the continental United States, I wanted to be an actress (cause I’m emotional unstable in the she’s-so-cute-I-can-save-her kind of way), and because my favorite childhood movie was Pretty Woman. So I knew that Los Angeles had palm trees and that if you knew your way around a car (I don’t) and were willing to have sex for money (who isn’t?), a man would climb up the terrace of your East Hollywood apartment with flowers. And isn’t that every little girl’s dream -- an East Hollywood apartment? So L.A. it was. (My other favorite movie was Dirty Dancing, but the Catskills are cold and don’t have any big ten schools. It’s not that I’m a huge college sports fan, but sometimes you want to crack a beer and watch a good game, even if you have to put a little money down to make it interesting).

4. I then lived in L.A. and did various L.A.-like things.

5. I moved back to NY a year and half ago. I now live in Brooklyn, in the basement of an old hospital, which is mostly true.

6. Lastly, I am an Aquarius. Once my brother decided to indulge my horoscope beliefs. I thought I was astounding him with my accurate predictions about Cancers. He then revealed that he was not a Cancer, but a Gemini. (I’m not good at remembering birthdays, or anniversaries, or details.) But I was not rattled by his cruel trick. I plan on sticking irrationally to my few capricious beliefs.

I was going to wait to send this email so you wouldn’t think I was home, alone, on my computer, watching The Office (fine, fine, Grey’s Anatomy). But I decided to throw caution to the wind, and let the chips fall where they may.

“Brooke”

Well the chips fell right into my lap, in more ways than one (zing!)* and a mere two and a half months later I had a new girlfriend. Serendipitous? You bet. But at the same time it should be inspiring to everyone who is looking for love – because you never know when it could happen to you.**

____________________________
* Aaaand I’m single again.

** The writer of this blog cannot guarantee outcomes of meeting people through blogs and holds no liability should anyone be injured or killed in an attempt to replicate this situation.