Friday, December 1, 2006

Just the Two of Us


Curiously, I think the reason [dan] isn’t very popular among the Society of Man-Boy Love Bloggers that I like to call my FAN BASE is because he never talks himself up on his blog, never lets the reader peek into his special secret place, never reveals the pain of a man living in constant fear that at any moment another professional athlete will crash his plane into a nearby building just to get his attention. But the Yankees only have so many pitchers, the public only so much patience and no one is going to buy a book called, “I’m Just Not that Into Me.” Not anymore.

And since I like singing the praises of my friends (in theory), I was obviously thrilled for an opportunity to be a guest host here at [redacted]. Seriously, it felt just like the old days of Joan Rivers filling in for Johnny.

/crickets

Hmmm. I mean, it felt like when Gary Cherone took time off from saving the unborn to fill the boots of feotus-hating Sammy Hagar.

/crickets leave

What I mean to say is that being picked out personally by [dan] (
or one of his associates) to be a TEAM DAN PLAYER has led to an amphetamine-like spike in my esteem, a glowing aura of coolness and a painful, though not entirely unwelcome, onset of priaprism.

All of this is of course compounded by the fact that I recently got to spend some quality time with Dan in our nation’s capital, where under the watchful eyes of the Iwo Jima statues, we shared our own war wounds, and made a mad dash, hand-in-hand, towards healing.

I mentioned my humiliation at spilling my liquor on the person sitting next to him. He, in turn, mentioned that he had ‘
major plans’ and a ‘sure-fire thing’ and that he was going to ‘go big time,’ three phrases that have historically separated me from the money in my savings account, usually in the form of a cashier’s check. But Dan didn’t ask for anything, other than for me to just hold him, and according to someone who was there to witness the event, he never really even asked this so much as winced when I granted his apparently-never-theretofore-requested wish.

You’re saying it was MY fault?
You practically begged him to touch you.
WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHECK CRAIG’S LIST AND SEE IF THERE ARE ANY OPENINGS FOR ‘RAPE COUNSELOR!’

Afterwards, I was haunted by two constant questions: ‘
What happened on that night?’ and ‘What are these funny new changes happening to my body?

Still, even though we only spent a few short hours together, that’s all it takes for two virile men to look into each other’s heart. Either the baby Jesus is there or it isn’t.

It’s there.
/dramatic pause
It’s there.

In fact, for those of us like me, it’s hard to resist the temptation to emulate, to idolatrize, to steal articles of clothing from such a person. I’ve even gotten used to calling myself
Dan in the small town where I live. And just for the record, all those anti-Dan jokes were not mean spirited, I was merely playing a role. True, I may not actually be ‘Dan’-ish, but I feel ‘Dan’-ish, if only by association. No, neither of my parents were ‘Dan’-ish, and I haven’t gone through the formal conversion, but in my heart I consider myself ‘Dan’-ish. Really, though, after 9/11 aren’t we all ‘Dan’-ish?

I would like to think that out there in the heart of Georgetown, a young ABD is not toiling away at his dissertation, piecing together another in a growing and fabled list of Dan-Brandon literary episodes, but whom would I be fooling? That sort of speculation SHOULD be left up to those future college professors with enough education to imagine that they can possibly comprehend how important we are in the body of online literary adventure fiction. It’s a budding relationship in the vein of Hemingway-Fitzgerald, whereupon I remark how Dan might occasionally eliminate some of the elephantine facetiousness reminiscent of his pre-‘Montreal Vignettes’
Daily Dump posts, and Dan walks me into the men’s room and assures me that my penis is of normal size.

Although our friendship blossomed in the City of Plight, we both came from small towns, mine a prairie community in Washington State known more for its local technique of lubeless horse sheath cleansing than celebrity sightings. Home to a bizarre, fringe cult that recently brought Salma Hayek into our neighborhood, sightings of whom have now given way to wild exaggerations including all night fornication with men who consistently get rejected by their own second cousins.

I wonder, perhaps, if Ms. Hayek will be our Zelda now that Dan's suddenly single and I'm in the mood for Mexican? It’s not beyond the realm of the imagination and wonder that is ‘Dandon.’ After all, if Salma is so easily swayed by a former gas station attendant mistress into believing that she is the channel for an all-knowing Teutonic knight with a cockneyed English accent, then she is equally likely to rip her blouse off and throw herself upon me, convincing me to once again break my pledge against pre-marital relations. Which, based on my religious upbringing, would be very much like having sex with someone you know has herpes. You’re not going to enjoy yourself unless you’re willing to have a sense of humor about the whole thing.

After which, in a spate of jealousy-infused vindictiveness and spite, Salma would offer herself to Dan, who would go on and on about how I am incapable of maintaining an erection unless I pour alcohol all over the object of my affection while humming along to the refrain of ‘
Don’t Stop Believin,’ instead of doing what most would do with a threadless Salma Hayek, which is sodomize her handbag while belting out an overexuberant apology for being too hasty (sorry, Belligerent Mother! This is what we writers refer to as metaphor…). Afterwards, Dan would put my ass in the harm of George Clooney’s way in the form of an absentmindedly refereed boxing match, being as how George is still pissed that I keep picking on celebrities, outing their location and not allowing them to worship their little new age charlatans in peace like the rest of us. Writers and actors have historically lived along the demilitarized zone of an easy peace, occasionally slipping through the mine fields at night to make babies and poorly-written/poorly-acted films. I can’t see how it’s going to be any different with us.

In fact, I’m already giddy anticipating the next stage of our relationship, where both our blogs fall on hard times, critically panned and commercially insignificant (
I have a head start). I wonder who will visit whom first in asylum, trying to encourage the other, knowing the one will never be great so long as the other stagnates. It’ll probably be Dan, because of our age difference, or perhaps because his continued diligence towards hygiene belies the fact that he still feels. He’ll say something like, ‘Therapy can be a great help, if you can stand the smell of your own filth.

I’ll probably mumble something about how the head of the federal government's family planning office believes that when women sleep with more than one man, it alters their brain chemistry to the point that they lose the ability to
love.

32 Comments:

Blogger Kate said...

This post actually frightened and confused me. And I like that to start off my day. Mostly.

December 1, 2006 at 7:56:00 AM EST  
Blogger scott said...

Dandon, this is the worst post you've ever written. Easily.

Hello, Dandon.

P.S. - Is that alteration of brain chemistry when women sleep with more than one man at the same time or separately?

December 1, 2006 at 8:44:00 AM EST  
Blogger greener said...

hmmm..obviously SOME of us miss Dan more than others..

December 1, 2006 at 9:29:00 AM EST  
Blogger Beehive Hairdresser said...

Best Dan fill in post yet.

December 1, 2006 at 9:32:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jules said...

I, too, am confused. It is an odd place to be, for me. Refreshing. I'll have to read this whole thing again just to wrap my brain around it.

December 1, 2006 at 10:06:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What's that sound??
Oh, it's the sound of the [redacted] readership continuing to plummet...

December 1, 2006 at 10:39:00 AM EST  
Blogger [Cherry] Ride said...

Actually, anonymous, I believe you mean "[redacted] readership NUMBERS" plummeting, not readership itself. But whatever.

December 1, 2006 at 10:52:00 AM EST  
Blogger Lori Mocha said...

Did you and Dan attend a blogging convention together?

December 1, 2006 at 10:52:00 AM EST  
Blogger heatheradair said...

fascinating. hard to follow. i dig it.

amused that you mentioned Zelda...

December 1, 2006 at 11:19:00 AM EST  
Blogger Gaijinity said...

Priapic-state-inducing amphetamines. Mmmmmm...

December 1, 2006 at 11:44:00 AM EST  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

Am I taking crazy pills? Are you?
Seriously. I am dumber for having read that.
There were words. I read them, but they didn't seem to go together in any kind of logical, coherent way.

Dan, I truly hope that you are ok. I get the sense now that you may not so much be on "vacation" but rather that your blog has been hijacked and the man who wrote this post has tied you up and left you in a hole to die. Come back soon.

December 1, 2006 at 11:50:00 AM EST  
Blogger kat said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

December 1, 2006 at 11:56:00 AM EST  
Blogger kat said...

this was a movable feast, indeed.

December 1, 2006 at 11:59:00 AM EST  
Blogger Green said...

You're funny. That's hot. I like it. Who are you, and I will now see if I can stalk you to read more.

December 1, 2006 at 1:15:00 PM EST  
Anonymous I wanna [redacted] Dan said...

I prefered Heather. But then, of all, I prefer Dan. He's so dreamy.

December 1, 2006 at 1:56:00 PM EST  
Blogger mysterygirl! said...

This post is almost verbatim what Brandon e-mailed me the morning after this meeting. Glorious.

May your relationship not end with both of you dying of alcoholism-induced heart attacks / suicide.

Sorry-- this is the best I could come up with.

December 1, 2006 at 3:49:00 PM EST  
Blogger birdie said...

scared.

December 1, 2006 at 3:59:00 PM EST  
Blogger Erin Mc said...

I really enjoyed this post; it was hilariously well written.

December 1, 2006 at 4:22:00 PM EST  
Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

This post is like wathcing Mulholland Drive. It's bizarre, terrifying and confusing, yet I can't help but read it and search for meaning.

You are the next Daniel Aronofsky, my friend. And I mean that in the least homo-erotic way possible.

December 1, 2006 at 4:42:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jill said...

Dandon, I will reassure you that your penis is of normal size. You just have to let me in the men's room.

December 1, 2006 at 6:48:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Gemini Prefect said...

Holy shit... my mind is reeeeeling... Just for the record, minus the assholiness of both men and the unattractiveness of Fitzgerald's lack of confidence, oh yeah and the fact that he was a mean drunk, you're totally Fitzgerald and Dan's gotta be Hemingway. But Hemingway before he became an alcoholic asshole who, by the way, felt threatened by Zelda and kept egging Scott on to leave her. Not that Zelda wasn't a spoiled, lazy bitch in her own right. But if Scott hadn't been so lousy in bed, and had encouraged her creativity, things probably wouldn't have gotten so ugly. So, undoubtedly, there is another difference between you and Fitzgerald. And if it's not, I don't want to know about it. A girl's gotta have something to get her through the long, cold SoCal nights.
So. Er... nice guest post. ::ahem::

December 1, 2006 at 7:25:00 PM EST  
Blogger Sparkmonkey said...

Personally, I think the whole "male bonding" thing really needed a certain spice. Ya know. Like a furry animal suit. Yeah, that's it...Dan as a furry. Now THAT would be funny. As ofr Selma, um...I think that if she really did take off her shirt, you would both probably fall over from the sheer gravity of your [redacted] pendulosities engorgement. *Thunk*...and then again, I think Dan could really use a "daddy" about now...eh?

December 2, 2006 at 10:39:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't stand it any more! When is Dan coming baaaaaack!!??

December 2, 2006 at 11:01:00 AM EST  
Blogger Rachel said...

Brandon, that was so enjoyable. No surprise there. You can guest post for me anytime.

December 3, 2006 at 1:20:00 AM EST  
Blogger Brookelina said...

You make me dizzy. And a little nauseous.

December 3, 2006 at 12:21:00 PM EST  
Blogger Rehabcourse said...

I recently published an article on drug rehab – here is a quote from it, in case you are interested:

Here are some alternatives you should think of:
Free standing inpatient drug rehab program – short term program for less severe addictions;
Inpatient drug rehab program – rehabilitation unit – for severe mental and physical disabilities;
Inpatient drug rehab program – detoxification unit – in general this program takes place on an outpatient basis, but sometimes withdrawal from either drugs or alcohol presupposes extreme measures to prevent relapse. It is important to help patients to change their old habits, and this may happen only through a longer-term disruption from the environment where everything remembers them of the urge to return to the substance of their addiction;
Long term residential drug rehab program – is important for those who would relapse easily (youth, chronic addicts, patients with more than one diagnosis etc.).

If you feel this helps, please drop by my website for additional information, such as drug addiction rehab information or additional resources on free drug rehab .

Regards,

Mike Rad

December 3, 2006 at 4:04:00 PM EST  
Blogger Brandon said...

FINALLY. Someone who 'gets it.'

Thanks, Mike. You are indeed 'rad.'

December 3, 2006 at 4:11:00 PM EST  
Blogger Airam said...

Anon ... Dan is back on the 11th!! He mentioned that already ... a little patience ...

December 3, 2006 at 8:04:00 PM EST  
Blogger Life Out East said...

First time here. Liked the post but who the hell is Dan? I guess I'm missing something.

December 4, 2006 at 9:08:00 AM EST  
Anonymous melissa said...

priapism...
(no r)

December 6, 2006 at 2:53:00 PM EST  
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May 1, 2009 at 11:28:00 PM EDT  

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