Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Love Me Like You Love Dan

Here's why I like Dan, and by extension, his blog: People identify with him.

Dan can create a lovingly romantic post with rapist wit and Bond Girl charm, or he can concoct an uproarious no-shame post about ripping a thunderous fart at the urinal in an occupied office bathroom. And, in either case, the comments section instantly piles up with the same fluffy holiday cheer, the same familial encouragement and the same outpouring of volunteered similar experiences.

I like to think that Dan's either the best schmaltzy talk radio host on the blogs or he runs the best "I Share/You Share" group therapy sessions on the world wide web. Cheapest, too.

I never get the Dan Treatment of overly wholesome comments over at the fierce playground of irreverence we call Slack LaLane. Granted, I mainly write posts trying desperately to find some way to work in the phrase "no-brainer" -- no matter how unrelated to the premise -- simply so I can follow it up with the homemade synonym "a total Schiavo" as part of my blatant attempt to pump that term out into the public consciousness. So far I've gotten little traction, but feel free to try it out. You'll like it.

But somehow I don't get the same Interweb crushes and man-crushes as Dan with that material, or, apparently, material containing borderline-overt racism, the occasional Smell the Glove misogyny and/or nitrous tanks. Dan tends to get responses to a witty dating post that begin "haha, i totally hear you on the dating scene in new york, but one time i went out with this guy and..." or "OMG, you're too cute, that story is hilarious, I just found ur blog from my co-worker and it is AWESOME --HoTTimothy31."

Not me. With the kind of riff-raff that contributes regularly over at my basement studio, well, it can end up becoming a non-competitive round of gang-mentality oneupmanship at the expense of some poor, undeserving minority or schmuck-on-wheels du jour. I get comments like the following to my real mature post about why I'm mature enough to be a father but not a husband and how I probably wouldn't mind if my future wife died in childbirth: "You never told me you wanted me to fix you up with my cousin with Lou Gehrig's disease. Sometimes, Ace, all you gotta do is ask!"

I've rambled for a bit but haven't really made a point yet, and most people will openly tell you that's my biggest flaw. I guess my point is, I wouldn't mind a day when people call me "handsome and debonair" or a "sexpot blogger that can eat scones or Dunkaroos with me any time." I wouldn't mind a day when we all share in funny coming-of-age experiences and yuk it up about the times something universally cool happened to us. I wouldn't mind a day feeling like part of a community of computer smiley faces with online love to give for one of their own.

And that day is today, folks. I want to be showered in your awesome brand of Danlove, and if I'm not, I'll tear out your sister's goddamn fallopian tubes with my fucking teeth. Try me, yo.

One last item of business...Since I did some work on Dan's behalf, I'm gonna cash in my favor right now (and a second favor later when I get that sexy fucker all alone): If any of youse enjoy live music -- rock bands, GoodGod funk, [in Cosby voice] the jazz music, classics, the popular rock band Phish -- head on over to a fairly new blog we recently launched called Hidden Track. Like Men's Wearhouse, our slogan is also "You're gonna like the way you look." Nah, I wish. But go there anyway.


Blogger Airam said...

"OMG, you're too cute, that story is hilarious, I just found ur blog from my co-worker and it is AWESOME!"

Yeah I know I stiffed your line, but I figure you wrote it so it should satisfy you in the being luhrved like Dan department.

Dan, the 11th can't come soon enough.

December 6, 2006 at 12:20:00 AM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

I liked your sarcasm... I forgot the company's name to this slogan but here it goes:

"i'm lovin'it"

December 6, 2006 at 2:11:00 AM EST  
Blogger spinachdip said...

Slack, I always loved you more than I loved Dan.

I mean, you support Liverpool, have not-awful taste in music, and you're not afraid to show your Chad Sexington manlove.

December 6, 2006 at 7:00:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you and want to have your babies, ace cowboy. (but can I raise them with dan? thx.)

December 6, 2006 at 9:02:00 AM EST  
Blogger Gaijinity said...

Sigh. Yeah, yeah, Dan is fabulous/untouchable/clearly the next Bond. Now is anyone going to write about anything other than Dan's greatness? And "I'm Lovin' It" is a McDonald's slogan appropriated from a Justin Timberlake song for an undoubtably obscene amount of money. Shame on you, Sailor Moon, for quoting it. Shame on me for having the ability to clarify.

December 6, 2006 at 9:05:00 AM EST  
Blogger Kelly said...

You want to be showered with Danlove? That's like reusing someone's bath water... but here goes.
(C'mon folks, let's go jam up his comment section!)

December 6, 2006 at 9:55:00 AM EST  
Blogger Lori Mocha said...

I will make love to you if you pretend to be Dan and wear a Dan mask.

December 6, 2006 at 10:17:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having kissed both Dan and Ace, I can confirm that Dan was better.

In Ace’s defense, he was 12 at the time.

December 6, 2006 at 10:38:00 AM EST  
Blogger mm said...

Lyke you are sooo funny. I <3 this post.

December 6, 2006 at 10:47:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jader said...

While I totally love you too Slack, I have to say that Dan is the biggest cock tease ever.

He announces his triumphant return only to disappear and leave his new [blog] to bloggers we can read elsewhere.

But since he's not here, I guess you can have my Danlove for the day.

December 6, 2006 at 11:00:00 AM EST  
Blogger Matty Mac said...

I was going to write a totally mushy post about how you rock, Ace, but I pulled a total Schiavo. Now I am just sitting here, gurgling my own saliva, trying to think of something witty.

How many blogs are you trying to write in at one time? We need new charts for this. You're whoring yourself out, and I kinda like it.

December 6, 2006 at 11:47:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jaime said...

I'm hoping you meant "rapier wit," as opposed to "rapist wit." Either one is funny, but only one is correct.

Anyhoo, that's my brand of love for you.

December 6, 2006 at 12:19:00 PM EST  
Blogger greener said...

best i can say is 'we love you. welcome to our comments'.

but, we miss you dan :)

December 6, 2006 at 12:39:00 PM EST  
Blogger Pink Palace Ninja said...

I was also going to point out the "rapist wit," but then I thought maybe it was just funnier that way.

December 6, 2006 at 1:11:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Velvet Sea hopes he didnt ruin Dan's blog said...

Ace Cowboy, OMG OMG, your writing gets me so worked up, I want to have retarded monkey babies with you while you're Schiavo'ed out on roofies I will slip into your cosmo at a Murray Hill bar where you will be wearing tan dockers and a light blue button down shirt with a white collar, and I take you back to my parquet floored black leather couch Murray Hill love nest, pour you a second rooficolada, slide out of the bedroom Risky Business style in my tighties, and seduce you while we listen to "All These Dreams" by popular rock band Phish over and over all the while we each close our eyes and envision each other as Dan. After we will cuddle for hours and pull the laptop over into my circular bed and read the latest edition of Hidden Track conveniently located at

December 6, 2006 at 1:13:00 PM EST  
Blogger Alex Fritz said...

None of this changes the fact that you look like Jason Marquis.

December 6, 2006 at 1:40:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

love the dunkaroos refrence.

everyone wants to be loved; it's okay. -pats your back-

December 6, 2006 at 2:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger SuperDee said...

Ace, you're my hero. Sigh.

December 6, 2006 at 3:24:00 PM EST  
Blogger Matthew said...

"I'm hoping you meant "rapier wit," as opposed to "rapist wit." Either one is funny, but only one is correct."

Apparently no one has ever seen a movie about 2 guys who like to dress in powder blue and orange tuxedos, drive across the country for a girl named "Samsonite" and trade their furry Econoline for an early version of the Vespa. Those guys define "rapist wit".

I'm going back home to Slack where it's warm, cozy and the denizens get the joke.

December 6, 2006 at 3:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger Beechball * said...

wow, up to 19 already! Quite impressive, I think the best I've ever done was maybe 11! Oh well, you write a good story my internet friend, and I enjoyed the read. To touch on what you said, though, I have no idea what it is about Dan's writing that everyone finds so ... awesome - it just is. Plus he's pretty hot and well yeah, I'm sure that helps! hehehe j/k Great writer, incredible wit, great story teller - it just all comes together like a fine piece of art for him, and now you too! Congrats! :p

December 6, 2006 at 3:53:00 PM EST  
Anonymous A said...

If spinachdip and Dan won't have me, then heck yeah I'll want your babies!

December 6, 2006 at 4:01:00 PM EST  
Blogger Berry said...

"A total Shiavo"????? Christ, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. And it's so, so wrong, how hard I laughed.

December 6, 2006 at 4:05:00 PM EST  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I have always envied Dan's readership. He has that lady-blogger market cornered, the sonovabitch! Cowboy, I've always dug your page too, and I must say, I also have that disorder where I want a kid but want no part of a wife. Maybe a Schiavo wife . . .

December 6, 2006 at 8:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger Vegas Princess said...

It seems you are doing just fine with your own brand of blogging. I don't think you need any of Dan's charms, you have your own in spades.

December 6, 2006 at 11:57:00 PM EST  
Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I just walked in from Buffalo, where I commuted to and from today. Didn't even have a single wing, although I did enjoy a steaming bowl of buffalo chicken chowder. That, was, awesome.

And I walked into this comments section, the one I was looking for this whole time...well, except for the people that didn't get the rapist wit reference, those people shamed me. No, they shamed themselves.

Hey, so, uh, anyone else wanna judge my pre-pubescent frenching skills?

December 7, 2006 at 12:41:00 AM EST  
Blogger MonkeyPants said...

But do you have an analrapist wit?

Oh, I'm just mixing and matching now.

December 7, 2006 at 5:28:00 PM EST  
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December 11, 2008 at 2:41:00 AM EST  

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