Friday, December 22, 2006

Christmas Round-Up

May I speak to Santa please?

First of all, 1 (800) Santa-Clause? Who the hell called Santa? You wrote him a letter in crayon, sealed it with love and mailed it to “1 North Pole Road, The North Pole,” like every other normal kid.

Second, wouldn’t it be more fun to answer the calls and actually talk to the kids? Like the one who asked for “love and luck,” you could be like:

Santa: “And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?”

Destiny: “I’ve been a good girl. I want for this year love and luck in my life.”

Santa: “Sorry Destiny, but I can’t give you those things. You need to earn them.”

Destiny: “Huh?”

Santa: “You need to try harder to make the people around you love you. And everyone knows that there’s no such thing as luck. You make your own luck through dedication and perseverance.”

Destiny: (crying)

Santa: “That’s not going to help, Destiny.”


Police arrest boy who opened Christmas present without permission

Police charged a 12-year-old boy with petty larceny Sunday after he opened a Christmas present without permission.

The boy, who has a history of disciplinary problems, was booked as a juvenile and released the same day. His mother plans to ask the state to take custody of him during an upcoming court appearance.

Truly a Christmas he will never forget.


Wardrobe malfunction of sorts at the White House

Following tradition, Laura Bush wore an expensive gown Sunday night during a reception tied to the annual Kennedy Center honors.

There was, however, a slight problem: Three other women were wearing the exact same $8,500 Oscar de la Renta dress.

When asked what he thought of the situation, the 12-year-old boy from the previous story said, “Wow, that’s really awful. I feel bad for her. No one should have something like that happen to them on Christmas.”


Chinese students urge Christmas boycott

Ten doctorate students from China's elite universities are calling for a boycott of Christmas and urging people to revert to Chinese traditions.

In a statement carried by many Chinese Internet websites, they lamented the loss of Chinese traditions and morals, amid what they said was the widening invasion of western popular culture.

This “Westerner,” for one, has no idea what they’re talking about.


Baby Jesus statue returned after kidnappers took it on tour

A baby Jesus statue that disappeared from a Buffalo family's Nativity set last year was returned the other day, along with a photo album entitled The Baby Jesus Chronicles.

"There's pictures of him wearing a seat belt, there's pictures of him in the shower, they kept him clean, pictures of him camping there's a drink so he's well hydrated," says owner Joan Leising. "They didn't go anywhere expensive and spend a lot of money on Jesus, but they showed him a really good time."

Leising, who says that Jesus is “her best friend,” commented, “You know, Jesus doesn’t get out much. I’m glad he got to have this adventure. Since his crucifixion, he’s been pretty down. He really needed this.” She added, “Oh my, I’m feeling crazier than usual today!”


True of False: John Denver was actually a Muppet?


Family Loses Christmas Presents To Thieves

Harris County sheriff's deputies said burglars broke into the home on Farley Road near Picton drive sometime before midnight."

Everything was gone from under the tree," Lacrecia Lee said. "Even the television; a big 56-inch television is gone. They took the kids' TV, DVD player, movies."

Neighbors said they did see some suspicious people in the area. "Another neighbor across the way said he saw four guys, but he thought they were just moving us out," Lee said. "The really were moving us out."

Then, in a display of Christmas charity, the entire community turned around, walked back into their houses and forgot about the Lee family. Farley Road: An unsafe place to call Home, where your neighbors don’t really care.


And I’m out of here. Have a Merry Christmas, and if you don’t celebrate Christmas, I’m sorry for you. It’s an awesome holiday. I’ll leave you with my favorite Christmas carol. Be back next Wednesday.


Blogger tbag said...

Merry Christmas to you, Dan. Love from afar.

December 22, 2006 at 12:52:00 PM EST  
Blogger the girl also blogs said...

Thank you for the Muppets. I mean, not that you had anything to do with their existence, but thanks for the link. Miss Piggy is my hero. Ba-dum-dum-dum!

December 22, 2006 at 1:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Okay, this is really sick, but that Asian-persuasion, computerized, cartoon gal was damn hot. Jeez, what the hell is wrong with me? I think I need to bump getting laid to the top of my wish list.

December 24, 2006 at 4:54:00 PM EST  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

December 24, 2006 at 6:39:00 PM EST  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Thanks for the Christmas round-up...what fond memories. John Denver was a muppet sniper in Vietnam. Merry Christmas!!!

December 24, 2006 at 6:50:00 PM EST  
Blogger karmon said...

merry xmas dan

have fun


December 25, 2006 at 3:06:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A. The most searched list looks like Dad was sent upstairs to get kiddo (who was Googling Santa), sent him downstairs to Mom and Dad snuck in a little porn search to get him through the Xmas din-din.
B. Everyone knows when someone names their child Destiny these days they spell it Daestynee, D'stnye or the like.

Merry Merry with the nog


December 26, 2006 at 8:43:00 AM EST  
Blogger Beehive Hairdresser said...

1-900-909-4300 Call Santa now, call Santa now and we'll sing Christmas songs!

I'm not sure if that still Santa's phone number, it was when I was a kid.

December 26, 2006 at 9:12:00 AM EST  

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