Thursday, December 7, 2006

A Rousing Finale!

So my last guest blogger flaked out on me. Lucky for her she has great hair, and as everyone knows I am a sucker for great hair.

Her only explanation was this email I got last night, which isn’t so much an explanation as it is an excuse. What’s the difference, you might ask? Well it’s kind of like the difference between Michael Richards saying he’s Jewish and Michael Richards actually being Jewish. (Zing! Two week old jokes! Yeah, baby!)

In lieu of me being unable to throw anything else up here because I’m getting on the road in five minutes for a seemingly impossible drive back north, here is that email, verbatim. Note that everyone should feel rightfully shafted, but shafted in the way that’s like, with one flip of her great hair, you forgive her.

Dear Dan,


First, let me say, having a paper due blows. It gave me bad flashbacks to college. Some might say that's because I did a lot of acid in college, but to those people I say, "Put down my monkey!"


Anyway, I never got around to writing a post for you. Here’s why:It all started back on Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. It’s the one holiday where the Jews and Christians come together to rejoice in the death of our common enemy – the Indians. Anyhow, between the eating and drinking, I was exhausted. I mean, kids wear you out. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, with their “Hold me,” and “Love me,” and “Stop it. You’re hurting me,” but frankly, they’re tiring. So, I decided to take a nap. I am an excellent napper. And thus was the beginning of the end.


See I have a small problem with insomnia. So that one harmless nap totally threw off my sleep cycle. Unfortunately, my quack doctor won’t prescribe me Ambien anymore (you wake up barefoot in New Jersey one time…). So instead of Ambien, he prescribed me a different sleep medication, Lunesta. It’s crap. I mean I’ve been popping Lunesta like it’s Vicoden, and nothing.


And then yesterday, like an overzealous secret agent at an all-girl detective agency, I discovered why:


I’m a compulsive reader. So when on the subway with nothing to read, I will occupy myself by reading any available words, including, but not limited to graffiti, other people’s newspapers, subway ads (How did the same lawyers nab both 1-800-Divorce and 1-800-Innocent?), and informational prescription packets. Lo and behold, I discover the following, “Eating before taking this medication will reduce its effectiveness.” (What!?!)


Now, if there’s anything you should know about me it’s that my three favorite things are eating and sleeping. I won’t tell you the third. (Fine, fine, it’s sex. Sue me.) Anyway, you can imagine my dismay. It’s like being in a relationship with sleep, but then you meet some food that you really like, but sleep wants to be monogamous. And even though you explain to sleep that wanting to eat has no bearings on your feelings for her (because it’s not that eating is better, it’s just different), sleep still claims that the two are mutually exclusive.


Thus, I plan to go to the doctor to see if there’s sleep medicine that still works when you eat, which, if there is, would be like discovering that Lunesta has a slutty twin sister.


The point is that I couldn’t write a post for you because I’m very sleepy.


I blame the Indians.


Love,

[redacted]


P.S. I think the reason salad is healthy is that midway through you get so bored you forget to eat, whereas, no one forgets when they’re eating bacon.

Have a great weekend. If you happen to live in any of the states between Florida and New York, keep an eye out for a blue Honda Civic with New York plates doing about 1000 mph. If you can happen to catch my deranged, desperate eye, give a little wave.

26 Comments:

Blogger belligerent mother said...

1000 miles an hour!!!! Oh, dear God!

December 8, 2006 at 8:06:00 AM EST  
Blogger Marc said...

Ironically, by flaking out she inadvertantly created the funniest guest post so far.

December 8, 2006 at 8:20:00 AM EST  
Blogger Kate said...

You've terrified your mother into believing you will some how rocket propel your vehicle from FL to NY. Shame on you. Shame.

December 8, 2006 at 8:20:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jules said...

Yes, that WAS the funniest post so far. Way to go!

December 8, 2006 at 9:55:00 AM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

Who ever heard of a drug not working because you ate? How F'ed up is THAT?????
Very funny anyway.

December 8, 2006 at 10:06:00 AM EST  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

I think I just teared up seeing belligerent mother back in the comments...it's like old times :)

December 8, 2006 at 10:21:00 AM EST  
Anonymous [poodle] said...

clearly this girl is the smartest, prettiest, funniest, best girl ever.

December 8, 2006 at 10:22:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Guest Blogger,
Will you please be my girlfriend?

December 8, 2006 at 10:34:00 AM EST  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

I agree with marc this by far was the best guest post. You were so right about the hair flip. It totally got me...

December 8, 2006 at 11:06:00 AM EST  
Blogger me. said...

LMAO!!

December 8, 2006 at 11:24:00 AM EST  
Blogger Kelly said...

Let's all blame the Indians.

Very funny!

December 8, 2006 at 11:48:00 AM EST  
Blogger Laaw-yuhr said...

That's the best excuse letter I've ever heard. Indians, Jews, drugs, sex, food, sluts, children -- by the time you're at the end you forget what the person was supposed to do in the first place or why you care.

December 8, 2006 at 12:49:00 PM EST  
Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Having kissed both Dan and this guest poster, I can confirm that Dan was better.

In this guest poster’s defense, she was 12 at the time.

December 8, 2006 at 1:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger deezee said...

I want emails like that in my inbox. Then I could stop reading blogs.

Anonymous guest excuse maker, you are one funny and clever lass. You've made a non-insomniac want to start popping sleeping pills just to have the joy of joining this dialogue.

December 8, 2006 at 1:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

Is it obvious to anyone else that she juked Dan into believing she'd forgotten to post, but in reality had composed by far the most witty "excuse email" (read: guest post) EVER? Genius! It must be the hair...

December 8, 2006 at 2:22:00 PM EST  
Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

*hair flip*

Works every time.

December 8, 2006 at 2:53:00 PM EST  
Anonymous joey said...

I used to drive a blue Honda Civic.

December 8, 2006 at 3:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger The [older] sister said...

This guest blogger sounds suspiciously like a female version of Dan... and I am very, very scared now.

December 8, 2006 at 3:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger Caitiedid said...

I think I missed your mother more than you. (alright, it's a lie)

I wish excuse letters like that had worked on my professors back in college. I'd've gotten straight As.

I was never able to take Claritin when I was younger because you had to wait 2 hrs after you ate and then 4 hrs until you eat again, and I couldn't make it 6 hrs without food unless I was going to bed.

On the upside, I hardly ever had allergy trouble when I was asleep.

December 8, 2006 at 9:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger universal muse said...

does this girl have a blog?

December 9, 2006 at 12:53:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jess said...

Good stuff. Got to love the cornflakes. But seriously though, if Lunesta has a slutty twin sister I want to meet the bitch!

December 9, 2006 at 9:00:00 PM EST  
Anonymous This is 14th Street said...

was it requirement for any "Guest posting" on your blog that they had to say how much and why they thought you were so great? Can I write one that's the opposite? Oh wait...that's why Ti14th was left out of the mix. Gotcha. Kidding. Glad you're back!

December 10, 2006 at 7:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger ジェネヴィーヴ said...

i'm going to have to ditto marc.

1000 miles an hour? sweet deal! you must have snuck some sort of top secret engine from japan in your car, didn't you?

December 11, 2006 at 10:14:00 AM EST  
Blogger Karla said...

I might go gay for this girl.

December 12, 2006 at 4:33:00 PM EST  
Blogger karla said...

I hate when I post comments and don't realize til later that I wasn't properly signed in. When I made the above comment, I was accidentally signed in to my stupid Google account instead of Blogger.

December 21, 2006 at 1:01:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jack or the bean said...

OMG- that was hilarious. thanks!!

December 23, 2006 at 6:52:00 PM EST  

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