Friday, December 15, 2006

Shelf Life of Good Deeds as Material, Impressiveness: 3 Days

Back to the important stuff, like the best holiday-related spam ever.

From: "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer"
To: [redacted]
Sent: Thursday, December 14, 2006 8:16 PM
Subject: Merry Christmas

A few problems though:

1. Why does Santa look like he was bitten by a zombie? It’s as though he is literally angry with me that I haven’t done anything about the size of my penis. But if Santa knows anything (and I think he does) he should know that it’s a subject that requires delicacy, not a “beat you over the head with your inadequacy” approach.

2. Who is this “she”? I mean, I get it in the sense that Santa knows what every boy and girl in the world wants for Christmas, so in real butterfly-flaps-its-wings-in-India kind of way, Santa knows that I have a small cock. But why not cut out the middle-whore and simply say that Santa himself wants me to beef up?

3. I’m supposed to believe that Rudolph is sending Santa’s emails? With hundreds of elves with opposable thumbs and increaded technological knowledge to make up for their obvious physical shortcomings, you make a reindeer send your correspondence? BAD FORM, SANTA.

4. What about what I want for Christmas?

Anyway, here is my revised copy:

Ad executives, I can be reached at I have more ideas like this one.

And if you can hear me, Santa, I want this.


Blogger Some Chick said...

maybe you can get both, the monkeys and the cock.

December 15, 2006 at 1:33:00 PM EST  
Anonymous S said...

Never hurts to have a big cock...I mean monkey.

December 15, 2006 at 1:43:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure "she" is perfectly satisfied.

Santa's a moron.

December 15, 2006 at 1:44:00 PM EST  
Blogger greener said...

Maybe its really from Rudolph, and 'she' is Rudolph. Maybe she wants some christmas games with you this year??!! Ever think of that!!

December 15, 2006 at 1:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

No, I didn't.

December 15, 2006 at 1:59:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Clearly that first Santa is a transvestite and she/he wants you to enlarge your cock (and, from the looks of it, bite it off)

December 15, 2006 at 2:29:00 PM EST  
Blogger missnines said...

Can anyone else hear Santa v.2.0 saying in the nicest, most grandfatherly way possible, "Tsk tsk tsk, Dan, that simply won't do"?

Cause I kind of can.

Dan, may also suggest adding one of these to your Christmas list?

December 15, 2006 at 2:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger missnines said...

A typo and a broken link in the same comment? Someone's getting coal this year.

December 15, 2006 at 2:45:00 PM EST  
Anonymous s said...

...No, I mean cock.

December 15, 2006 at 2:50:00 PM EST  
Anonymous klr said...

Have you considered asking for a Russian mail order bride? She wouldn't care about the size of your dick. Even if she did, you could legally lock her in the closet until she sees otherwise ------ Forwarded Message
From: dolze
Date: Tue, 05 Dec 2006 16:24:30 -0800
To: redacted *pun unavoidable in this case
Subject: 4 unread messages

I am Valeriya. To talk about my personal qualities I`l try to look at
myself from aside. So I`m a feminine, charming, romantic, and sweet
girl. Yet as a person I am open-minded, easy-going, kind-hearted. From
the very beginning I try to behave naturally. I dislike lie and
hypocrisy. Kindness and decency are the qualities that are very
important for me and that`s why I value them in myself. I love my
parents very much as they have given much to me and I am grateful to
I have some questions for you if you want to get to know me closer:
* Are you planning to visit Russia?
* Would you like to correspond or to talk by phone?
* Have you ever been to Russia?
* Why are you interested in Russian lady?
* Are you interested in serious relations with Russian woman?
* What is important for you in relations and am I right for you?
I will be waiting for your reply to
Hope you will tell me about yourself,
kisses from Russia,

December 15, 2006 at 2:58:00 PM EST  
Anonymous lori mocha said...

Santa is a total perv.

December 15, 2006 at 3:12:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Chris said...

And to top it off, Santa's finger pointing upwards is his subtle way of saying you're hung like a five year-old!

December 15, 2006 at 4:58:00 PM EST  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I think the real question is why Rudolph refers to himself as "the red-nosed reindeer." Are there THAT many Rudolphs that he's afraid you might be confused? And why exactly is he emphasizing the color of his nose? I feel there is something dirty there, but can't think of anything. I'm sure someone else out there can, though... [throws gauntlet]

December 15, 2006 at 5:05:00 PM EST  
Blogger Homeless Blogger said...

I must say. You make me laugh. Not only that. Your fans make me laugh as well. I thank god for you every night when I go to sleep. I don't think it's creepy. Just sweet. Please have my babies. I don't care about the size of you pee-pee.

December 15, 2006 at 5:17:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Drew said...

ummm...did anyone else find that "fur real" commercial spooky? I was waiting for a drop of water to turn those furry bundles of joy into child-eating monsters. I'm not sure I'd want to cuddle next to one of those if I was kid.

Glad you're back, Dan!

December 16, 2006 at 1:55:00 AM EST  
Blogger Alejandra said...

Have you noticed how creepy huge and round Santa's mouth is? Almost as if he's inviting you to insert your enlarged cock. That's just creepy. And gross. But more creepy.

December 16, 2006 at 8:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger sunanda_reddy said...

On Russian mail-order brides:
"I try to behave naturally."
How oxymoronic. As for Santa, this particular "she" has reached the point in this seemingly endless drought phase where "she" would simply appreciate a cock, size no bar. Perhaps I can purchase one of those HUGE plastic ones. You know, the ones that chop, slice and dice? And then it can double as a weapon. Very Bond-esque.

December 16, 2006 at 8:56:00 PM EST  
Blogger Ellen Aim said...

Damn. I never leave comments on random blogs, but that is the most fucking disturbing thing I have ever seen in my goddamn life. Who the hell approved this piece of penile enlargement marketing?

Why can't my cock-enlarging spam be as good as yours?

December 16, 2006 at 9:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

You gotta make this shit up....oh my oh my. DAnny crack me up

Who opens their spam anyway?

December 17, 2006 at 4:03:00 AM EST  
Anonymous jennifer said...

Agree with sailormoon (never thought I would say this). Apparently you are one of the (I assume) few people that open their spam.....why????? Do you ever expect to read/see about something you want to have?

December 17, 2006 at 5:05:00 PM EST  
Anonymous jennifer said...

fill me in.......

December 17, 2006 at 5:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger Airam said...

Is that the big bad wolf dressed up as Santa?

Oh what a big MOUTH you've got ...

The better to bite you're enlarged dick off.

December 18, 2006 at 10:04:00 AM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

The pic is truly distrubing. Yes, why DOES Santa have such a large mouth and such few teeth? Can't Santa afford dental???
And seriously, am I the ONLY one that made the connection between the penial enlargement ad and Dan wanting a Monkey instead? Or am I messing up my penial euphemismes???

December 18, 2006 at 11:34:00 AM EST  
Blogger The Bourbon Samurai said...

Glorious. Simply glorious. Glad yer back.

December 18, 2006 at 2:45:00 PM EST  
Blogger A. Dubz said...

Second Santa looks much more pervy. Good job. He'll sell loads more than creepy-zombie Santa.

December 18, 2006 at 5:30:00 PM EST  
Blogger Cupcake said...

Dan, you came out of the jungle and into my heart.

December 20, 2006 at 8:36:00 PM EST  
Blogger brown said...

That monkey toy is just repackaged overstock from the Gremlin era. It looks like they just glued on more hair and added a voice box... or failing that, it could be imbibed with demonic possession.

December 21, 2006 at 1:24:00 PM EST  

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