Tuesday, December 5, 2006

What Would Jodeci Do?

The subject line has nothing to do with the contents of this post. I just really wanted to use the picture below. Don't ask me why. I just have a thing for early 90s R&B groups from North Carolina.

Anyhoos, greetings fellow admirers of Dan. My friends call me Suki and I used to write this site called spinachdip nyc until it got old and broke its hip and my parents took it to the big bloggy summer camp in the sky. You might also know me from when I filled in at Gawker back in October. Dan guest blogged for me earlier this year, and it was only right that I return the favor in his hour of need.

Dan and I have little in common. Other than being dudes, we couldn't be more different. He lives Uptown, I live Downtown. He's a nice, clean cut Irish boy. I'm a dirty ass foreigner. Dan makes the girls swoon, I get hit on by gay dudes on the subway. Not that I'm complaining.

So it's kinda weird that I end up following in Dan's footsteps. Only weeks after he and his longtime girlfriend split up and he shut down his blog, I ended my blog. And a couple of weeks ago, I ended an off-and-on and hot-and-cold relationship of 3 years (now I'm waiting for Dan to win the Mega Million so I can do the same).

And since Dan has [redacted] going, it's probably inevitable that I'll start writing again. But will I too rediscover love, or a half reasonable facsimile thereof? I'm not so sure. Because I have this problem: I don't know how to talk to girls. Why, just a couple of hours ago, I passed a pretty girl in my building's foyer, but when she smiled and said hi, all I could do was get all Matt Saracen and squeak out a feeble "H....ey".

I'm painfully shy. If you look up "introverted" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of me at a party, standing in the corner, nursing a beer and trying to avoid eye contact. But besides that, I never learned to talk to girls because I never had to.

I tried to explain this to Angelina last week and she thought I was being arrogant, but it's true. Every romantic and/or sexual relationships I've been in, it started because the girl took the initiative.

Girls who are way too attractive come up to me. I didn't ask anyone to the Prom because I was asked. An old classmate once slipped her hotel key in my pocket. This kind of stuff happens more often than it should. I mean, a guy with my looks and social skills should be on his way to being a 40, nay, 50-year-old virgin. Yet here I am, while not exactly putting up Wilt Chamberlain stats, getting laid enough to prevent my balls from exploding.

But it's really a curse. It's happened often enough that it made me complacent and I got to this point in my life without developing a very important skill. Can you imagine being Shamu, hand-fed all your life, and one day realizing that life in captivity has made you a killer whale who can't kill? You'd wonder, "What if I knew how to be a cold hearted killer? Oh, how I would love to taste the blood of this dolphin-humping grad student." You appreciate the free food and rent, undoubtedly, but it is not in the killer whale's nature to jump and flip for food like some common seal.

Likewise, I can't help but think what my life could be if I learned how to kick game, or at the very least, initiate a simple conversation. As much as I like things falling on my lap, I'd like to have some control over my happiness, you know? And while I'm not going to complain about the girls I've been with, I should maybe open myself up to the world of women who are less assertive.

So what's a boy to do? Hire White Dade to be my dating coach/Cyrano de Bergerac? Buy this book? Just drink until I'm slightly less socially retarded? And don't give me that "just be yourself" bullshit. That picture in the dictionary, the wallflower? That is me being myself, and I kinda want to grow out of that.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gee, maybe it's because the ladies like guys who aren't pushy and digging deep for long over-used come-ons.
But keep telling yourself you're just the easy lay in the corner.
It's positive thinking. really.
I'd wish you luck on the Mega-Millions thing, but I need that luck for myself.

December 5, 2006 at 8:06:00 AM EST  
Blogger Marc said...

Your problems with the ladies sound a lot like like mine, except for the "them hitting on you" part.

December 5, 2006 at 8:28:00 AM EST  
Blogger mm said...

You must be very good looking if you get girls coming up to you all the time like that. My advice is to start off slow. Practice aproaching and chatting up random girls in bars. Once you get comfortable with that, move up to bookstore and/or coffeehouse pickups. As you are most likely good-looking and literate, I'm sure you will fair pretty well. Just try not to place too much importance on what others think of you. Don't come off as desperate or too eager to please.

December 5, 2006 at 10:03:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't let the "Murphy" fool you. Dan is very little Irish and very much Italian.

December 5, 2006 at 10:53:00 AM EST  
Blogger jason said...

See here's the problem: attactive girls can either be interesting or boring. There's no way to know without talking to them. Men are lucky in that if we're interesting to interesting women we need not be super attractive. Interesting women won't tolerate being bored by hunky guys who are boring. At least not for a long time. So if you can talk to them without being overtly "hey, baby" you can A) see if they're interesting or boring and B) on the off chance that they're interesting, you can make inroads at establishing that you're literate, smart, interesting etc.

Granted, this sometimes takes a while. It doesn't lend itself to picking girls up in bars and clubs. But if the girl that works in the cafe is cute, you can get to know her without hitting on her. It'll actually be to your benefit if it seems like you're not hitting on her, if she's cool. Later, you'll be laying in bed, basking in the afterglow of Sunday morning love-making and she'll say,

"I didn't even think you were interested in me the first couple times I saw you..."

This is the effect you have on certain girls and it's why you get laid pretty regularly. I know this because exactly the same thing happens to me. I've been with interesting, hot girls I would have never hit on in a million years because I was able to get in a situation where I could talk to them and demonstrate that I'm not boring. Plus the reluctance to hit on them piques their interest. What's so special about him that he doesn't want some of this? It drives some girls batty that you're not impressed by them. It immediately drops their guard.

But the blindingly hot girl jogging in the park? Tits McGee at the nightclub? It won't matter to her if you're interesting, she wants a hot guy regardless. Your comedic powers and mastery of Jeopardy mean nothing to her. In fact, it'll make you boring to her. But the great thing is that you wouldn't want to be with her anyway. Yeah, you'd fuck her three time in the evening and twice in the morning - and this is what drunken office parties are for - but you're not going to have a relationship with her. She's boring. Hotness isn't everything.

December 5, 2006 at 12:08:00 PM EST  
Blogger spinachdip said...

mm, I wouldn't say it happens "all the time", just often enough that it's not a freak occurrence and more than normal, I guess.

And I am desperate and eager to please.

December 5, 2006 at 12:11:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

this is very open and grown up. I like this 'man talk'.
Oh yeah, i hated you for 2 weeks after you shut down your blog..
but i hope you do come back!
I am sure you will find somebody, whenever you see a human-whale holding hands with their fatter whale partner, remember this - theres a somebofy for everybody.
It will either make you feel better or make you feel like shit that somebody that looks the way they do has somebody to love them - its a shallow way of thinking, but everybody thinks it.

December 5, 2006 at 12:37:00 PM EST  
Blogger angelina said...

I didn't say "arrogant", did I? I don't know - I was breathing down blue moons...

December 5, 2006 at 1:58:00 PM EST  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

you could try this.

But I think Jason makes some good points. Most girls (unless they're desperate) find traditional pick ups an immediate turn off. There are far too few "only in the movie" occurances where casual and witty conversation take place at the mailbox, in line for coffee, at the grocery store etc. But even in these places - an obvious pick up line or being too forward (see here) can be too much! I have a feeling it's just a confidence issue though - if you get the attention you say you do then I bet you've got plenty going for you, and most girls would much rather hear from you than the jerk slurring his speech and spilling is jack and coke (or coffee) on her in the meantime. Cuz those guys are ALWAYS out there. Do us a favor and give us an alternative!

December 5, 2006 at 2:16:00 PM EST  
Blogger universal muse said...

if you want an aloof girl, go to paris. there are plenty. by the way, my next to last blog post is strangely similar to this one.

December 5, 2006 at 3:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger treespotter said...

you need to find someone you truly want. the rest will follow.

problems with people who are content with things, is that they're never left wanting.

maybe porn can help, too.

December 5, 2006 at 3:41:00 PM EST  
Blogger Beauty School Drop Out said...

wow - this is hysterical.

You are NOT socially retarded. In fact I can prove this to you. Remember the first time I met you guys? Out of the ten million bloggers that were in that bar, you were talking to me, and in a very UNRETARDED sort of way.

I think you need to give up thinking that you are socially retarded. At some point in your life, you made that up. You are like me - and had some kind of blanking out - stage fright/ horrible social encounter, and now that has left you subconsciously shaky about being social?

I feel that way about public speaking/performing. My hands get all clammy shaky – and it’s really horrible. I hate it.

December 5, 2006 at 3:48:00 PM EST  
Anonymous lightninghank said...

I could have said the same thing two years ago, then I unwittingly ended up in an apartment in the super-gay part of town in Toronto. Wait! Hear me out! The thing is, women know when they're being checked out because they've been getting checked out by guys since they were 14. Guys are very obvious when they're giving someone the old "lookup/down". But girls check guys out too, and the only real difference is they're much more subtle about it. Anyway, after some time of getting very obviously checked out by guys, I found that I had become aware of when I was getting more subtly checked out by girls.

Well, I can't tell you how useful that is! Now I can walk into any bar or party or - hell, boardroom - and I know almost immediately which girls are going to be happy to be approaced for a conversation by me. And ever since then, while I haven't always had that "I control my own destiny" feeling you're talking about, at least I can feel honest when I tell nosy family members, "I haven't got a girlfriend at the moment because I'm a little choosy."

So, yeah. Go to your local gayberhood. It's ridiculous, but useful advice. Oh, and if you do - watch out for the lesbians. I'm a serious drinker, but I get absolutely devastated when partying with lesbians.

BTW, I enjoyed your blog when it was going... good post!

December 5, 2006 at 6:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger Brutal Honesty said...

Practice makes perfect....go to the bar, drink some (or lots) of liquid courage...and let the pick up lines begin! :)


December 5, 2006 at 7:35:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kate said...

How hard is it to read a post when your ex comments that he needs to meet chicks?

Guess that's the cards we're dealt, right?

December 5, 2006 at 7:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Dip, go out this weekend and slap some 17-year-old chicks ala Craig Bellamy. Apparently that'll help you score.

December 6, 2006 at 8:26:00 AM EST  
Blogger spinachdip said...

jason - I've always preferred the librarian girls to the "hot" girl. Though that could be because I watched too many Playboy videos growing up.

beauty school - Yeah, but I knew that you were spoken for, so you don't count. It's the available girls that give me trouble.

lightninghank - Gayberhoods in New York are kinda expensive, but you might be onto something.

kate - is that worse than your ex telling you to go out and meet girls?

ace - Hey, if Bellamy's form improves every time he slaps a teenage girl, I say keep on slapping.

December 6, 2006 at 10:01:00 AM EST  

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