Tuesday, January 16, 2007

“24” Wins Award for Best Thing to Watch Instead of The Golden Globe Awards

After yesterday’s post, I was having second thoughts about my plan of action. On the one hand, The Golden Globes only happen once a year. On the other hand, what the fuck was I thinking? Skipping two hours of “24” to watch Hollywood actors receive awards? To further convince myself, I made a chart detailing the reasons to watch each show. This is what it looked like:

The Golden Globes


• Attractive women wearing slutty sleeveless dresses

• Things blowing up

• The fate of the world in one man’s hands

• Punching, stabbing, shooting, etc.

• Intrigue

• Conspiracy, general mayhem

Needless to say, I made the right decision. While I am totally pissed I missed the acceptance speech from the producers of “Happy Feet,” I think it’s worth the trade-off of seeing an atomic bomb detonated in Los Angeles.

Anyway, I’ll refrain from turning this into a “24” chatroom. But I will say that if I was the head writer for “24,” this is how the last scene would have played out:

Scene: Numair completes work on the suitcase nuke. One of the guards sees the TAC teams and gunfire erupts. Ray ducks to the ground. Amid the shooting, Numair detonates the nuclear device. From where he is, Jack can see the mushroom cloud in the sky.

Jack: (on his phone) “Get me the President.”

President: (watching the mushroom cloud on the monitor) “I’m here Jack.”

Jack: “Mr. President, we have a problem.’

President: “I know, Jack, I can see it on the monitor. Hundreds of thousands of lives are in danger. We need to evacuate these communities immediately and get a ground team in there to secure the –“

Jack: “Mr. President, that’s not what I mean.”

President: “What is it, Jack?”

Jack: “Mr. President . . . tonight was the Golden Globe Awards.”

(Cut to scene of The Beverly Hilton, movie stars milling about, unaware of the impending chaos.)

Boop, beep, boop, beep, boop, beep . . .


Blogger Miss Nines said...

Lol, genius.

I spent the entirety of last night with my hands clasped over my mouth and/or eyes at any given moment. It was intense. I still haven't come down.

Does anyone else think Ray was a pussy for not kicking Numir away from the bomb? Like, COME ON. You either guarantee death by nuclear explosion or you almost guarantee death by running amid gunfire to save the world. What a coward.

January 16, 2007 at 3:56:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

Couldn't agree more. "Please don't"? This is your plan for stopping a terrorist from detonating a nuclear bomb? Poor showing, Ray.

January 16, 2007 at 4:02:00 PM EST  
Blogger kat said...

uh, yeah. this episode is still on the tivo. THANKS FOR RUINING EVERYTHING.

January 16, 2007 at 4:07:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

Is it wrong that I'm happy for Ray's son? Like, his mom grew a pair, got Jack involved and his Nancy-boy dad got offed. Maybe now he'll have a chance at getting laid.

January 16, 2007 at 4:13:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

Rule of thumb, Kat: When you're trying to avoid information about a TV show you haven't watched yet, do not read blog posts that have said TV show in the title.

It's not like I wrote, "So at work this morning the copy machine jammed and I thought, 'Hey, this is just like how the atomic bomb went off in the final moments of "24" last night . . .'"

January 16, 2007 at 4:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger kat said...

oh, it's okay. i don't even watch 24.

January 16, 2007 at 4:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...


January 16, 2007 at 4:33:00 PM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

I agree. I thought Ray would try and tackle Numir(honestly, am I less of a fan because I don't remember these names?) But what really could we have expected from a guy who had to be shamed by his teenage son into helping out the kid who's dad just got hauled off by the FBI and was being eyed by the redneck contractor..."you sure got a pretty mouth...." Steve? (did I get that name right???)

January 16, 2007 at 4:33:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I opted for the globes. I'm a moron.

January 16, 2007 at 4:40:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Melanie said...

I'm thinkin that if a nuke went off in LA ***DURING*** the Golden Globes that would make it almost worth it (in and "ends justify the means" way). But then again, I'm a foreign/arthouse/indie whore...

January 16, 2007 at 4:45:00 PM EST  
Blogger [Disgrundled] said...

Melanie, I can't believe you said that. My parents were killed by a nuke...or something that at least rhymed with that.

January 16, 2007 at 5:58:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...



January 16, 2007 at 7:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

I actually tried to watch this 24 show, and I have to say its sucks... yeah I opted for the Golden Globes, and after gettin gover that boring show I opted for surfing the net and reading my Legal Environment of Business book and doing the first quiz online on the syllabus....suffice to say that both bored me, and TV had nothing else to offer - so I had to settle for school work. See ya

PS. 24 didnt win anything, but HEROES DID!! WOO HOO

January 16, 2007 at 8:16:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

corrections, I dont think HEroes won...I have to recheck, I am sure they won something....................But 24 didnt :) **snicker snicker**

January 16, 2007 at 8:17:00 PM EST  
Blogger Man On The Street said...

As one of only three TV programs I watch with regularity (along with The Daily Show and White Sox baseball - does that count? - gotta say that 24 hasn't disappointed yet in the two seasons (counting this one) that I've watched it. Is there a better face on television than Chole's (that is Jack's buddy at HQ, isn't it)? Man, I LOVE her scowl! It's on her face for the whole show! She's, like, pissed at EVERYTHING, every second of the day. I think I watch just to see if she cracks a smile.

Oh, and as for Heroes. I liked it until I realized that EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD HAS SUPER POWERS! Seriously, every episode I watched (and I believe I watched every episode) introduced a new person with a superpower. There were, like 30 or 40 I think. Still a good show, but damn, slow down on the super heroes.

January 16, 2007 at 9:46:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Jarad said...

Y’know what’s funny? I read this blog all the way from Brisbane, Queensland, Australia in the hope of gleaning some insight into the urbane and cosmopolitan world of contemporary New Yorkers. And this is what I get: a Golden Globes v. Twenty- bloody-four death match replete with a scientifically dubious table and a fan fiction alternate ending to the world’s most improbable TV show.

It’s fortunate you write like a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus Dan, or I might not come here at all.

January 17, 2007 at 7:00:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Melanie said...


You are absolutely right, that was completely insensitive. I should be fined by the PC police. Expect to see me serving soup at a homeless shelter near you.

Embarassed & ashamed,


January 17, 2007 at 9:49:00 AM EST  
Blogger Denyse said...

"a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus" -- brilliant!

Dan, can you include that when you write my on-line profile?

January 17, 2007 at 1:37:00 PM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

Oh, and Dan, meant to tell you, you are a virtual cut and paste genius with your 24 photo play in your episode ending rewrite.

January 17, 2007 at 2:19:00 PM EST  
Blogger The Accidental Bitch said...

Luckily I have Tivo. I didn't watch either one on Monday, and watched both of them tonight.

You did miss Sasha Cohen. Here it is: http://www.ifilm.com/video/2814141

January 18, 2007 at 4:03:00 AM EST  
Blogger Sarah said...

I'm still not over Jack biting that guy's neck. My sister's boyfriend calls him Count Jackula. I was not okay with Taj from Van Wilder being bad, and I really wish they wouldn't have killed Curtis because he was so badass. But despite that, I pretty much shat my pants the entire 2 day, 4 hour premiere. Jack Bauer is so f*cking awesome, and is it creepy that I think that all his gross scars make him even sexier? Please don't answer that.

January 18, 2007 at 1:37:00 PM EST  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

genius! pure genius!

January 18, 2007 at 5:39:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude get off 24's dick already!

January 19, 2007 at 12:47:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just realized that you're back!!! OMG!! I'm back tracked cause I'm down south and things are slower down here, naturally. But I'm too excited to see you back in business.... too excited, way too excited.

January 19, 2007 at 12:56:00 PM EST  
Blogger Scarlet said...

...write a new post already.

January 19, 2007 at 1:27:00 PM EST  
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December 11, 2008 at 2:43:00 AM EST  

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