Friday, January 26, 2007

Back To Normal, Boring, Sexless Blog

sex week

Just like regular sex, Sex Week concludes much too quickly but with ultimate satisfaction (for me).

It seems everyone [who isn’t related to me] enjoyed the impromptu debauchery. And why shouldn’t they? If the main reason you read blogs at work is to distract you from having to do your work, what better topic than sex? Unless you work for a brothel or Deep Throat Productions, Inc., chances are sex is a deep departure from your daily grind (zing). And while obviously reading about it at your desk is way down the list of ways to enjoy sex:

1. Doing it with someone

2. Doing it with yourself

3. Watching people do it

4. Hearing people do it

5. Remembering a time when you did it

6. Listening to someone tell a story about when they did it

. . .

23. Reading about it

24. Writing about it

25. Drawing a picture of people doing it

still, as far as topics go you can’t do much better. (Indeed, sex ranks number one on my list of favorite things, followed closely by “drinking” and “watching TV” which aren’t really “topics” so much as “things to do when not having sex.” Number four on the list, “people giving me money,” really only happens on holidays, which is a shame because I enjoy it so much.)

While I am loathe to turn this into a sex blog (though feel free to describe it to your friends as a sexy blog) I do appreciate the enthusiasm and camaraderie the subject fostered. Someone suggested in the comments section that I do a sex Q&A, which actually is something I have thought about doing. Not strictly a sex Q&A, but a Q&A on anything – because I am genuinely smart (I graduated college) and though I may never take advice, I am awesome at giving it. I feel like answering readers questions is the best way to address the topics and issues that people really want to hear about. Plus, if you are too embarrassed to go to your parents with a question (“What would happen if I put my finger in my butt?”), you can come to me and get the answer (“You would turn gay.”) in the privacy of my blog on the internet.

Let’s consider this a trial run. Email me your questions*, and next Friday (if this works) will be the first “Q&A Friday.” If it doesn’t, next Friday will instead be “You Guys Suck Day.”


* Of course, all email address will be kept private, whether the question is of a personal, graphically embarrassing nature or not. You can even use a fake name, or one of those Dear Abby names like “Frustrated in Fresno.” But be advised that if you do I will assume that you are retarded. Email me!


Blogger Miss Nines said...

A tip for your other readers:

Do not read this blog while your boss is standing just behind your computer reminicing about his days as a farm boy in Northern California. Just don't. You can't control the church giggles, and your boss will think you're patronizing his humble beginnings.

January 26, 2007 at 1:08:00 PM EST  
Blogger Bad at Life said...

I thoroughly enjoyed sex week, but I have to disagree with your rankings. Drawing pictures of people doing it is like #7 on my list.

January 26, 2007 at 1:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dwight said...

Oh Dan, you won't turn gay if you stick your finger in your butt. Go ahead and try it, and take pics, and email said pics to me. And the next day you'll still be as straight as can be! P.S. Don't forget about the pics.

January 26, 2007 at 2:00:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's nice to be able to read some wholesome clean blogs again.

January 26, 2007 at 2:04:00 PM EST  
Blogger Betty said...

I think your answers might be a little bit more entertaning than most given your warped sense of humor. That being said- I will ask a question- how do you feel about climax control condoms. And if you are say a girl dating a guy that uses these but you hate them (b/c they don't just desensitze the guy but the girl also), how do you get him to stop using them without hurting their feelings?

My mother wants to know (not me in anyway).

January 26, 2007 at 2:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger C.R. III said...

How do *I* feel about climax control condoms? (I realize this question was directed to the "other" Dan, but I'll answer anyway). The short answer is that they were probably invented about 10 years too late--high school would've been completely different. Oh, it wouldn't. That was implying that I actually was able to get chicks in HS.

Anyway, in regards to your question, I'd go buy some different kinds of condoms for when he comes over to your place (dunno...ribbed "for her pleasure", flavored, glow-in-the-dark, whatever other crazy shit is out there) and say you want to try out some different stuff.

Or just say that the ones he's using are giving you some type of infection/allergy. Guys will totally believe anything a woman says about that kind of thing and won't ask for a doctor's note or to have a look or anything. Unless, of course, he's a doctor. All we want to know is when we'll be able to resume business as usual.

Condoms are pretty desensitizing for guys to begin with, so I bet he won't even notice any decline in performance with the "non-delaying" ones, so it sounds like they'll be a lot better for both parties...

Sorry...I just re-read your post. Please disregard all this and just pass it on to your mom.

January 26, 2007 at 4:39:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would just like to point out that your #1 favorite thing to do (sex) and your #4 fav thing could be easily combined in some states. This might give you a whole new favorite thing, or it might end badly. Either way, just trying to be helpful...

January 26, 2007 at 6:01:00 PM EST  
Blogger Rune said...

I read that comment as "climate" control condoms first. Which would actually be awesome, 'cause sex is hot and sweaty.

January 26, 2007 at 10:18:00 PM EST  
Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Many men I have been with, all straight, like the finger in the butt. None of them WERE gay but all questioned their masculinity after discovering this...

Of course I have NOT BEEN WITH "MANY" men, so yanno, this comment brought you by BACARDI.

January 26, 2007 at 11:16:00 PM EST  
Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Uh uh
TO you by Bacardi --seeee!???

January 26, 2007 at 11:17:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jay said...

Did you know there is a weekly friday Q&A at reasonsyouwillhateme( It's insanely popular, or both and insane and popular -- but that's a good thing.

January 27, 2007 at 10:07:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree w/ the rest of the family. Start using your brains.
P.S. This is the redacted's aunt.

January 28, 2007 at 7:10:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes! Good idea! Now I know who to harass when I have sex- related questions. You rock!

January 29, 2007 at 11:31:00 AM EST  
Blogger EmmaK said...

Answering sex questions. I was going to do that!! Never mind, I may still do it. In the meantime I am going to email you a question. And don't be ashamed of writing a sex blog, I do too. It's only embarassing once you start putting 'sexy' pictures of yourself up on your blog, say, wearing a corset (hang on didn't I just do that, I'm a fucking hypocrite).

January 29, 2007 at 12:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger Anne said...

aww, psycho but cute. I needed the distraction. twisted, twisted ! but true-to-form. see, you guys suck...any day of the week.:)

January 29, 2007 at 3:48:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

I have to answer Betty's question too, but my answer is shorter: Start buying the condoms yourself (I personally enjoy the ulta-sensitive ones) and have the sex at your house. What, does he carry around the condoms and refuse to use something else? Just tell the guy you don't really feel much and hey, let's try another type/brand.. I think he'll thank you for it, rather than be offended.

Sorry - I know you're supposed to be answering the questions. But I do love the Q&A idea. I'll see if I have something to ask you.. will have to think about it.

January 29, 2007 at 5:58:00 PM EST  

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