Monday, January 15, 2007

Bigger American Hero: Jack Bauer or Martin Luther King Jr.?

Part of me really wants to write that post, but then the other part of me (the one that pays the bills and suggests every new year that I subscribe to the New York Times) blows up the whole argument by astutely noting that Martin Luther King Jr. was a real person, hence winner by default. Plus just calling Martin Luther King Jr. anything “by default” makes me think I’m doing something wrong, like when I read this reader submission on cnn.com,

“I'm a second-grade teacher and I have a picture of Dr. King in the front of my class. Under the picture I have the words THINK DIFFERENT.”

and my first thought was, “That’s not very politically correct.”

Anyway, Martin Luther King Jr. wins in a landslide! On to my thoughts/thinking points of last night’s season premier of “24.” Obviously don’t read any further if you are avoiding spoilers.

• I think you shouldn’t even attempt to watch a show this important without a TiVo. I was at Brooke’s (no quotes, real girl) apartment, which is TiVo-less, and come 8:00 there was a late-running football game on another channel and I wasn’t even done cooking dinner. When “24” started, while I knew that there was no way to pause it, my mind, so adjusted to life with TiVo, couldn’t comprehend that the show was playing and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was a sickening feeling. Around 8:45, I really wanted a doughnut and a glass of milk but had to wait until the show was over to go into the kitchen and get it. I felt like a prisoner. Speaking of prison . . .

• Scenario: You’re kept in a Chinese prison for two years. During that time you are repeatedly tortured and interrogated for information about your government. For two years, you say nothing. You absorb every bit of punishment they hand out, and say nothing.

Finally, after you’ve officially grown the “my spirit is broken” beard, you get word that your government has finally negotiated for your release. You are flown back to the U.S. and five minutes after you step off the plane a government official basically says, “We rescued you so we can hand you over to someone else to torture you. Only this time it’ll be a little different, because then they’re going to kill you.”

WHAT DO YOU DO?

If you are Jack Bauer, you obviously ask if you have time to shave before you go. My whole point being, Do you think Republicans watch this show and get pissed? Because Jack is obviously a Democrat (look at how he dresses) and he is the super-patriot of America. I know it sounds silly, but consider this: If someone ever asked you, “Can you imagine a Republican doing the things Jack Bauer does?” what would you answer? You would say “No.” I have no idea where I am going with this.

• Nicely played with the Asian bomber on the bus in the first five minutes of the show. For a show like this, it’s important to keep the audience on its toes as to which nationality we are stereotyping. Next episode, there should be a two minute scene where Fayed is shown alone in a room doing math and playing classical piano. Like I said – just to keep us on our toes.

• I know it’s Martin Luther King Jr. day and I shouldn’t be asking questions like this, but what is more implausible? An American led air strike on Los Angeles, or two black presidents?

• I love the “Jack has been traumatized by his experiences in captivity” theme. Because as much as I love Jack Bauer, he still made Young Guns II. At least in my head this keeps the Kiefer Sutherland Scale balanced. Yes, I have a Kiefer Sutherland Scale in my head. Just like Tom Hanks hair in The DaVinci Code brought him back down. These things are important to me.

• Brooke: “New relationship rule – any time a guy bites a piece off another guy’s neck and spits it out on TV, you don’t let go of my hand.”

• Have you ever been watching “24” and suddenly thought, “I can’t believe this is happening at 7:00 in the morning.” I mean. it was 6:58AM when Jack bit a piece out of a guy’s neck. I can’t even function a coffee pot before 7:30.

Due to tonight’s scheduling nightmare (along with my own implied homosexuality) I’ll be TiVoing “24” and watching the Golden Globes. Meaning that tomorrow is going to be one of those day-long dances to avoid reading any plot spoilers. And because it’s easier than calling or emailing everyone I know, I’ll say it here:

MEMO TO EVERYONE I KNOW

Please don’t tell me shit about what happens on “24.” Don’t call me, don’t email me, nothing.

Love,
Dan

21 Comments:

Blogger Miss Nines said...

I do believe that the surgeon general advises against watching "24" sans commercial breaks. Be careful tonight.

January 15, 2007 at 3:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

First one to comment?????? Don't I feel BLESSED!!!!

While I watched Jack go all Bram Stoker on the greasy terrorist guy I thought 1) GROSS!!!
quickly followed by 2) I'll have to remember that defensive move next time I'm chained to a chair.
I totally felt the same way about the Gov't freeing Jack only in order to let him be killed! Shame, I say, SHAME!
When Jack said, "I don't remember how to do this anymore." and then in the preview for next week, "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!" I said aloud to the room, "Awww, Jack needs to be hugged!!"(by me of course) The room(my BF) shook it's head and muttered, "Oh brother."
Shame again!

January 15, 2007 at 3:34:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan,

Dude, I completely sympathize with your TiVo woes...I refuse to watch a tv that doesn't pause...and I am not going to tell you what happens on 24, but I will tell you that I have a friend that saw the first four hours already, and she said that hour 4 is huge. HUGE!!!

My point being this - you might want to tape the Golden Globes and watch 24. You could fast forward through the Globes on Tuesday...seriously, you want to watch every minute of the Globes? Think how nice it would be to fast forward the stupid endless speeches from people you don't care about.

Just a thought.

kc

January 15, 2007 at 3:34:00 PM EST  
Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

If you want to Keifer in a different role, rent Dark City. He plays a creepy Golum-esque doctor who serves the weird, pale (and bald!) creatures who control the city of eternal night. Oh, and it's got Jennifer Connelly in it, which is good for at least one boner.

January 15, 2007 at 3:34:00 PM EST  
Blogger a leather glove said...

Wow, I thought NYC was this magical place where one could somehow watch multiple channels of television at once using some quasi-futuristic brain-wave device that was smaller than an iPod, interestingly pear-shaped, and smelled of cooking bacon. How odd to find out that you have to actually WATCH television, ONE channel at a time like the rest of us (well, except for me, as I don't watch any TV besides football). Next thing, you'll tell us you put your pants on one leg at a time, also.

January 15, 2007 at 3:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger Clink said...

Unless "Brooke" is really Jennifer Hudson and you feel compelled to see if your girlfriend wins a Golden Globe tonight, there is absolutely no reason you shouldn't be watching 24 instead. Seriously.

January 15, 2007 at 4:20:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan

My vote is that your new GF "Brooke" really is Jennifer Hudson. She's hot. And gonna win BIG tonight!

January 15, 2007 at 4:52:00 PM EST  
Blogger Samson & DeLilah said...

24 or Golden Globe?? Debate debate debate. Dude get for reals watch 24 it only gets better! My boyfriend downloaded all 4 episodes already and this season is the best so far. I swear you won't be sorry. WATCH 24!

January 15, 2007 at 4:59:00 PM EST  
Blogger dmbmeg said...

i love how everyone and their mother is blogging about 24. Apparently 24 is a big hit within the blogging crowd--along with Star Trek and Dungeons and Dragons, no doubt.

Anyways, I didn't fully utilize my DV-Ring capabilities between the game and 24. I switched to 24 thinking the Chargers were going to score and the game would go into OT. I about had a heart attack when I flipped back and realized the Patriots won. I am never going to make that mistake again.

January 15, 2007 at 6:00:00 PM EST  
Blogger New Texan said...

How can Jack Bauer be a Democrat? He is both the hero / protagonist and on Fox. I am surprised they don't have Fayed running around with "Obama 08" buttons on his shirt.

January 15, 2007 at 7:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger The Accidental Bitch said...

Bullets one and three. They definitely touched my soul.

January 15, 2007 at 9:21:00 PM EST  
Blogger Shawn said...

I can't believe that Ahmed's package was full of white castle slyders!!! Shocking!!!! - oh, sorry for ruining it for you. my bad....

January 16, 2007 at 12:20:00 AM EST  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Don't worry, I won't ruin it, because I've never watched. I know it's probably really good, since everyone is no nuts about it, but I don't have room in my life for a new show. I do , however, have some room for a Young Guns II viewing. Thanks for reminding me of that one!

January 16, 2007 at 1:37:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jay said...

“ 'I'm a second-grade teacher and I have a picture of Dr. King in the front of my class. Under the picture I have the words THINK DIFFERENT.” '
my first thought was, "That's bad grammar, it should say THINK DIFFERENTLY"

I can miss any point, that way.

January 16, 2007 at 2:58:00 AM EST  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I'm with Jay. My first thought was not about political correctness, but grammatical. I mean, really. No wonder no one can speak well. The teacher's got erroneous posters up on the wall. The nerve.

January 16, 2007 at 10:25:00 AM EST  
Blogger sleepyrn said...

Add me to the jay and rebecca group.
I can't stand bad grammer and for it to be FROM a teacher and FOR students just makes my blood boil.

My son believes I named him "David Lee *****" so he could be an adverb. I was constantly saying "ly" after one of the kids missed the necessary adverb.

January 16, 2007 at 10:34:00 AM EST  
Blogger Denyse said...

Sleeprn, Please tell me your last name isn't Roth

January 16, 2007 at 1:01:00 PM EST  
Blogger sleepyrn said...

Uh....no! That would definitely NOT be my David Lee

January 16, 2007 at 4:46:00 PM EST  
Blogger Green said...

Am I the only person upset that the 2nd grade teacher's slogan under MLK's picture is grammatically incorrect? Shouldn't it say "Think Differently"? There should be that l-y at the end of the word different since it's an adverb, right?

January 17, 2007 at 1:09:00 PM EST  
Blogger Alejandra said...

Yup...I'm in the adverb group. That teacher should be embarassed...

January 17, 2007 at 3:52:00 PM EST  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

This blog is too smart for its own good when TWO people point out that grammar foul-up.

January 17, 2007 at 10:13:00 PM EST  

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