Sent: Friday, January 12, 2007 12:11 PM
Subject: Letter to the (hunky) Editor
You recently wrote a post about the struggle of being in a long distance relationship, where you lamented the fact that I live in Brooklyn. So I wanted to say, I'm moving to the city. Now you may think I'm moving because I'm considerate or selfless or disarmingly pretty, but the truth is I'm moving because I hate Brooklyn.
They say that people that move to Brooklyn never want to move back to the city. I say some people are stupid. These Brooklyn lovers present arguments about the joys of living in an outer borough. Below, I rebuke them:
Argument #1. Brooklyn has wonderful restaurants.
True. Brooklyn has an array of marvelous culinary choices. But this argument makes the common logistical mistake of estimating by ratio and not total. Five great restaurants out of ten does not a culinary strong hold make. It's like being the prettiest girl in high school – big fish, small pond. One day the homecoming queen will move to LA to make it as an actress and discover that she's just one of a thousand waspy-looking, skinny, blond chicks with proportionate features. And just as she's about to consummate on the proverbial casting couch while the director whispers "You're beautiful baby. I'm going to make you a star," she'll realize she never had the chops to make it in the big city.
Argument 2. Brooklyn has a real neighborhoody feel.
First, neighborhoody is not a word. Second, Brooklyn is huge. Try exploring outside of Park Slope. Let me tell you about my neighborhood. It's "Park Slope adjacent" and just a syringe's throw from the crack houses near Prospect Park, which people say is a smaller version of Central Park. (You know what that makes Central Park? A bigger, better version of Prospect Park.) The point is, while, yes, I know my neighbors, I'm pretty sure that when Crackhead Johnny refers to me as "Snowflake" he's not remarking on my uniqueness.
Argument 3. Brooklyn is much more spacious.
You want space move to a red state. One of my favorite things about the city (proper) is that there's a bodega every 15 yards. I'll vote for any one-stop shop where you can get a six pack, Ring Dings, and deodorant. There's only one bodega in my neighborhood. And while I enjoy Snapply (tastes just like Snapple), I find the business's practices somewhat suspect. No matter what combo of quick fixes I buy, they're always like, "That will be, um, $1.50." Cheetos and a Diet Coke: $1.50. Tostitos, Twix, and a Snapple: $1.50. And no matter what time of day I show up drunk, they always seem surprised to have a customer. Whatever they're fronting, they're not sharing. I tried figuring out the secret password. I was like, "The duck flies at midnight," but the cashier just winked and slid me a pack of condoms.
Argument 4. Eh, that's all I got. You want more, write your own blog post.
Also, deciding to move has made me realize how much crap I actually have. I'm thinking of packing it all in for a simpler, more nomadic-type existence. Like maybe as a sailor. But then I'd have to contract scurvy and fight pirates. And that sounds like a lot of work. Also, I think I'd miss my Pottery Barn wrought iron candle holder.
So, in conclusion, I'm moving. Truth be told, I've wanted to move for a long time, I was just waiting till I had a boyfriend to help. Speaking of which, are you busy on the 1st?