Friday, January 12, 2007

Emailing It In: Taking the “Brooke” Out of Brooklyn

From: “Brooke”
To: Dan
Sent: Friday, January 12, 2007 12:11 PM
Subject: Letter to the (hunky) Editor

Dear Dan,

You recently wrote a post about the struggle of being in a long distance relationship, where you lamented the fact that I live in Brooklyn. So I wanted to say, I'm moving to the city. Now you may think I'm moving because I'm considerate or selfless or disarmingly pretty, but the truth is I'm moving because I hate Brooklyn.

They say that people that move to Brooklyn never want to move back to the city. I say some people are stupid. These Brooklyn lovers present arguments about the joys of living in an outer borough. Below, I rebuke them:

Argument #1. Brooklyn has wonderful restaurants.

True. Brooklyn has an array of marvelous culinary choices. But this argument makes the common logistical mistake of estimating by ratio and not total. Five great restaurants out of ten does not a culinary strong hold make. It's like being the prettiest girl in high school – big fish, small pond. One day the homecoming queen will move to LA to make it as an actress and discover that she's just one of a thousand waspy-looking, skinny, blond chicks with proportionate features. And just as she's about to consummate on the proverbial casting couch while the director whispers "You're beautiful baby. I'm going to make you a star," she'll realize she never had the chops to make it in the big city.

Argument 2. Brooklyn has a real neighborhoody feel.

First, neighborhoody is not a word. Second, Brooklyn is huge. Try exploring outside of Park Slope. Let me tell you about my neighborhood. It's "Park Slope adjacent" and just a syringe's throw from the crack houses near Prospect Park, which people say is a smaller version of Central Park. (You know what that makes Central Park? A bigger, better version of Prospect Park.) The point is, while, yes, I know my neighbors, I'm pretty sure that when Crackhead Johnny refers to me as "Snowflake" he's not remarking on my uniqueness.

Argument 3. Brooklyn is much more spacious.

You want space move to a red state. One of my favorite things about the city (proper) is that there's a bodega every 15 yards. I'll vote for any one-stop shop where you can get a six pack, Ring Dings, and deodorant. There's only one bodega in my neighborhood. And while I enjoy Snapply (tastes just like Snapple), I find the business's practices somewhat suspect. No matter what combo of quick fixes I buy, they're always like, "That will be, um, $1.50." Cheetos and a Diet Coke: $1.50. Tostitos, Twix, and a Snapple: $1.50. And no matter what time of day I show up drunk, they always seem surprised to have a customer. Whatever they're fronting, they're not sharing. I tried figuring out the secret password. I was like, "The duck flies at midnight," but the cashier just winked and slid me a pack of condoms.

Argument 4. Eh, that's all I got. You want more, write your own blog post.

Also, deciding to move has made me realize how much crap I actually have. I'm thinking of packing it all in for a simpler, more nomadic-type existence. Like maybe as a sailor. But then I'd have to contract scurvy and fight pirates. And that sounds like a lot of work. Also, I think I'd miss my Pottery Barn wrought iron candle holder.

So, in conclusion, I'm moving. Truth be told, I've wanted to move for a long time, I was just waiting till I had a boyfriend to help. Speaking of which, are you busy on the 1st?



Blogger Meow said...

She called you hunky. Woot woot.

I like this Brooke person. However, once she moves, what will you call her?

January 12, 2007 at 2:08:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

True love!

Now just convince the guy I'm after to move to the city from God awful Sacramento, and I'll be a fan for life!

January 12, 2007 at 2:16:00 PM EST  
Blogger [Disgrundled] said...

Call her: "Man"

January 12, 2007 at 2:22:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kelly said...

Smart girl. The relationship has last long enough that it's not at all inapproproate for her to ask you to help.

Luckily, too, you're an expert in moving now!

January 12, 2007 at 2:31:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You, my dear, are awesome.

Oh, and he has vast experience in moving.

January 12, 2007 at 2:38:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for your new relationship, but do all of us have to be involved in the honeymoon phase of your relationship?

Bring back the laughs!

January 12, 2007 at 3:05:00 PM EST  
Blogger mm said...

This Brooke sounds like a keeper. I can't help but wonder....Could Brooke be a fictional character created by Dan? Their writing styles are kinda similar...

January 12, 2007 at 3:07:00 PM EST  
Blogger [Disgrundled] said...

Let's go with this theory.
1) We have not seen a picture of her
2)Her name is always put in quotes
3)She came out of nowhere
4)Who hates Brooklyn?

please add to the list

January 12, 2007 at 3:17:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

5) When I wake up holding her, she has turned into a pilllow.

January 12, 2007 at 3:21:00 PM EST  
Blogger Meow said...

Obviously he has not posted a picture of "Brooke" because he is too kind to subject her to our appraisal/criticism.

January 12, 2007 at 3:47:00 PM EST  
Blogger [Disgrundled] said...

6) You once told me her last name was Sluggsworth.

January 12, 2007 at 3:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger a leather glove said...

7) He's cheating on her with "Lynn"

January 12, 2007 at 3:53:00 PM EST  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

Dan's last moving post (well, the one before the sh*& hit the fan) is one of my all time favorite retellings of the monster of moving. I cannot WAIT to read about this next one!

January 12, 2007 at 4:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I just deleted 4 negative comments. I'm not getting swept up into that, cause I've always dug your page. Just be careful getting into another long-term relationship. I'd hate to see you get dumped, hurt, and go into hiding, again.

January 12, 2007 at 7:21:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If that is a copy past situation with the email from Brooke, she's sorta kickass. Does she have a blog? :)

January 12, 2007 at 7:48:00 PM EST  
Blogger Libby Mae Brown said...

Scott - I have two more for you:
8) When I asked him in an off-blog e-mail what her real name was, he didn't respond.
9) We were supposed to meet up over Christmas so he could give me all the details and he never called.

I hope she's real, though, because she consumes Twix, Cheetos and Diet Coke - three of my favorite foods - and she's making him help her move. I love her already.

January 12, 2007 at 9:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger Janet said...

Keep her close. She knows where its at.

Was recently looking at apartments in Brooklyn, since I've decided that my roommate from hell and I need a divorce, and though the prices were much more friendly, NO FUCKING WAY IN A MILLION YEARS. Besides, you hop the pond and all of a sudden there are these accents that make you want to rend Kenneth Cole.

January 12, 2007 at 9:05:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Scott - You believed I was real last night.


January 12, 2007 at 11:24:00 PM EST  
Blogger nyeK said...

I feel honored by "Brooke's" concern with pirates, seeing as my blog is dedicately solely to pirate journalism.
Thanks, "Brooke," because now I feel like we've made our mark...or something like that.
This is an awful comment, I'm usually funnier than this, I swear.

January 13, 2007 at 12:09:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know. I guess, whatever. That's cool, I don't really care when all is said and done.

January 13, 2007 at 12:25:00 AM EST  
Blogger Nicole said...

There goes phone sex. By the way, scurvy isn't contagious and the wrought iron candle holder might come in very handy while fighting the pirates.

January 13, 2007 at 4:47:00 AM EST  
Blogger The Accidental Bitch said...

if you have any tips on finding apartments be sure to let me know.

January 13, 2007 at 5:45:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dont think she wrote that. It has too much of Dans charm in there... hmph

January 14, 2007 at 1:39:00 AM EST  
Blogger WestVillageKid said...

Whoever wrote that, it's fucking hilarious. I think I just peed my pants ;/

January 14, 2007 at 12:49:00 PM EST  
Blogger Laaw-yuhr said...

I like this Brooke girl and if she is real, then you are the rebound king. If she is a pillow, well, at least you have an active imagination.

January 15, 2007 at 1:01:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Will she find enough time in between winty banter to pack?

January 15, 2007 at 2:25:00 AM EST  
Blogger londongirl said...

Reason 4. They speak funny in Brooklyn.

Like the sound of Brooke. She has the nerve to stand up to you. And you certainly seem to need a girl with nerve.

Bring it on.

I trust you are going to help her move?

January 15, 2007 at 9:21:00 AM EST  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

umm... don't take this the wrong way, but I may like brooke a little more than you. :)

January 16, 2007 at 3:15:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brooklyn is awesome. Le blow moi.

January 18, 2007 at 4:48:00 AM EST  

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