Wednesday, January 24, 2007

A Post About Tea, So My Poor Mom Doesn’t Have To Read About Unusual Sex Practices Anymore

I’ve been drinking tea in the office and I’m afraid everyone is starting to think I am a pussy. Every time someone sees my pouring a cup of hot water in the kitchen they ask, “Not feeling well?” And while I guess I am feeling a little under the weather, it’s not like I’m standing there wrapped in a blanket with a thermometer in my mouth. So I usually say, “Yeah, I’ve got a bit of a cold,” to which they invariably say, only half-jokingly, “Well I’d better stay away from you!” to which I say completely seriously, “Yeah, you should!”

Anyway, the problem is that I’m enjoying drinking tea. So there is going to come a time when I am healthy again, and when I go into the kitchen in the morning and am surrounded by five corporate casually dressed zombies fighting over the coffee pot and I make myself a cup of tea, I’m not going to have an excuse anymore, and then I’ll be The Guy In The Office That Drinks Tea (Because He Thinks He’s Better Than Everyone Else).

So in trying to come up with a way to remain a “man of the people,” I thought of this: For the next few days, whenever I am asking for something in the office, instead of saying, “Can you hand me the tape?” I’ll extend my hand and say in a loudly obnoxious tone, “Tape me!” Or when I need the latest revision of a legal brief from a secretary, I’ll email her, “Margaret, brief me!” People always love a “that guy” around the office. “That guy” who clips his nails at his desk. “That guy” who wipes down his keyboard with an alcohol swab every morning. So I’ll be “that guy” who asks for things as though he were going through a mid-life crisis.

Then, when the time comes that I’m back to my old, healthy self and I go into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea and all the zombies are giving me the look of a plebian crowd indignant to their bourgeoisie superior, I can hold out my cup of hot water to June the receptionist and say, “Tea bag me!”

Sike! Sex week continues!


Blogger Brandon said...

Rim shot!

(I hope I’ve used this term correctly.)

January 24, 2007 at 3:40:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Chris said...

Should have seen this one coming from at least down the street...and yet bang, like a one-legged kid in front of the short bus. Nice!

January 24, 2007 at 3:49:00 PM EST  
Blogger MonkeyPants said...

I've been watching a lot of MI-5 lately, which is the British spy show, and I just luuurve how they'll sit down for these very serious meetings about killing terrorists, etc. and invariably someone will suggest or ask for tea. So perhaps you can just say tea-drinking habit is from your days with British intelligence... and then shoot them between the eyes.

January 24, 2007 at 4:02:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

June sounds so quaint and pleasant, if only because she is named June. I lover her already.

January 24, 2007 at 4:09:00 PM EST  
Blogger Tom said...

For those of you that don't get laid nearly as much as Dan, I probably should explain that "tea bagging" is a slang term for a sexual practice.

If you're wondering what kind of sexual practice, then you are a fcuking pervert and will go to hell for fornincating using something than missionary (the only church-sanctioned method of exploiting the natives for illicit gratification...well, that and anal).

January 24, 2007 at 4:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

Apparently I had a lesbian-esque Freudian slip.

That's supposed to say, "I love her already," not allude to, "I want June to be my lover, already!"

January 24, 2007 at 4:32:00 PM EST  
Blogger [tall] said...

Not drinking coffee?

What a wuss.

January 24, 2007 at 4:33:00 PM EST  
Blogger GrewUpRural said...

Find some study about how tea is better for you than coffee or some other drink.

Then the next time your co-workers pester you, rattle off the study. This should keep them busy for hours trying to figure if they are going to die from drinking too much coffee.

January 24, 2007 at 4:33:00 PM EST  
Blogger craziasian said...

you don't really need to take all those steps to establish yourself as that guy you know. you can go around today, right now, saying "Tea Bag Me" and you will have instant "That Guy " status, as in "that guy who says tea bag me for no reason". instant success.

January 24, 2007 at 4:34:00 PM EST  
Blogger Rebecca said...

You could always respond that whiskey tastes better in tea, which I totally think it does. Then they'd wander around wondering if you were drunk. If so, how often you're drunk, how much better your work might be in you weren't drunk, etc. You could provide endless hours of contemplation on your alcholic tendencies.

Also, don't put milk in the tea. Completely negates all the benefits.

January 24, 2007 at 4:47:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

You should slap a couple of assistants on the ass and make lewd remarks about their shirts, cleavage, etc.. cuz THAT guy is way funner than the tea bag guy.. AND you get to go to the most awesome classes after they reprimand you. Hey.. beats working.

January 24, 2007 at 4:50:00 PM EST  
Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Don't forget to ask for tossed salad - alot.

January 24, 2007 at 4:55:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kate said...

Damnit, first my rim shot joke got stolen and as I was preparing my next one (tossed salad) I scrolled down to find it.

Well now I can't think of anything else that isn't just a little too straight forward...

January 24, 2007 at 5:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger Constance said...

You should be the guy that makes Pittsburgh platters and Baltimore broilers in the kitchen at work.

January 24, 2007 at 5:49:00 PM EST  
Blogger My Novelty Organ said...

That's hilarious.

January 24, 2007 at 7:39:00 PM EST  
Blogger stephanie said...

sex week? i like a blog with a theme....

January 24, 2007 at 7:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger Man On The Street said...

Ha! They almost had an explanation of tea-bagging on Live! With Regis and Kelly this past Monday, of all shows (OK, I was home sick). They had actor Robert Knepper on the show from "Prison Break" ,whose character on the show is named Theodore Bagwell, or as he is more commonly known "T-Bag" in prison slang. So Knepper was about to explain the etymology of his character's nickname when Kelly Ripa decided it was a good time to cut to a commercial. Regis, I'm surprised to say, was oblivious. Either than or a damn good actor.

January 24, 2007 at 7:55:00 PM EST  
Blogger the girl also blogs said...

Well, I know what I'll be reading all week.

January 24, 2007 at 8:35:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


"sike"? Does 'psych' ring a bell?



January 24, 2007 at 9:46:00 PM EST  
Blogger The Accidental Bitch said...

When they keep asking if you're STILL under the weather, make a pained face and say yes... and then mention something about chemo.

You may even get presents out of this!

January 24, 2007 at 11:23:00 PM EST  
Blogger C.R. III said...

Dude, tea is totally NOT for pussies! Tell them that too much coffee makes your crotch sweat (we all know it does) and that you're sick of reeking like you played a pick-up game at 10:30 in the morning.

I second MI5, whiskey and other stuff in the comments. Except faking cancer. And 24. Too Cheney-esque for me (24, that is).

Unrelated to above, but related to the post, A friend almost succumbed to a serious uncontrollable laughing fit in the "Tea Bagging Room" at the Celestial Seasonings factory in Boulder...

January 25, 2007 at 12:13:00 AM EST  
Anonymous theskitten said...

Perhaps you can also persistantly ask June if she would like to receive a pearl necklace, with a smirk of course, and that ever so witty "I'm treading dangerous sexual harrasment grey area, here but you won't do anything about it," eyebrow raise. If its snowing outside suggest a snoball fight, inside with a wink and the aforementioned smirk.

January 25, 2007 at 12:22:00 AM EST  
Blogger Janet said...

While you're drinking tea, I should probably should recommend Yogi's Black Licorice. It's so superior to Lipton that you could probably get away with referring to yourself in the third person:

Tape Dan! Brief Dan! Tea Dan!

I'm not selfish. It's all about spreading the love. Enjoy the tea.

January 25, 2007 at 2:09:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Melanie said...

I had a temp job for three weeks tea bagging for the government. On my life.

January 25, 2007 at 9:16:00 AM EST  
Blogger treespotter said...

are you allowed tea in the copier room?

January 25, 2007 at 9:57:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jay said...

Maybe if you keep up the tea drinking then people will start to wonder what they're missing out on, and before you know it you'll have a whole office full of tea-drinkers...and yeah I don't know where I'm going with this either.

January 25, 2007 at 12:55:00 PM EST  
Anonymous simon said...

That is fucking great. I'm jealous that your mind came up with that before my mind did.

January 25, 2007 at 3:27:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this made me laugh. Thank you.

btw.. I HATE That Guy who clips his nails! Get some class, TG!

January 26, 2007 at 1:39:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I drink tea every morning. Keep it up!
Also keep up the snarky comments to coworkers. I love those. I make them all the time myself though I don't think anyone's caught on that they are indeed snarky.

January 29, 2007 at 11:34:00 AM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

Thanks to my BF for explaining what tea bagging meant to me about 3 weeks after we started dating. Great 3rd date convo, let me tell ya.
But anyway, HI-LAR-IOUS post!

January 30, 2007 at 10:20:00 AM EST  
Blogger Cali-Burgher said...

Being "that guy" is not so bad. I was "that girl" for years because I'm one of those who did the alcohol thing on my phone receiver every morning. When people asked to use my phone, I'd have to ask them a few questions first.

February 1, 2007 at 2:45:00 PM EST  

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