Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Million Dollar Idea #1 (UPDATED!)

This morning while “Brooke” and I rode the subway to work together we discussed one of our favorite topics, winning a million dollars on “Deal or No Deal.” Because while we agree that being poor and in love is romantic, we also agree that owning a yacht and being in love is even more romantic.

Winning in “Deal or No Deal” is just the latest in a long line of money-making ideas we’ve had. Some suggestions include: prostitution (me), becoming a spy (her), and getting into the Cuban cigar trade (as a couple), all culminating with our grandest endeavor, The Retirement Cruise™ – where instead of moving into a retirement home, elderly people move onto a retirement cruise ship. When they die, they are cremated and their ashes are spread at sea, just like everyone’s dream.

While the list sounds promising, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to be proactive and begin a series of ventures aimed at supplementing my income. I plan on detailing here each new enterprise and tracking it’s enormous success.

Here is my first venture. Feel free to hire me. Everything printed in the ad is true, disregarding anything that may or may not be too vague to contain any real viability of proof of legitimacy.


I woke up this morning ready to change some lives and write profiles for all the people who surely had noticed my ad last night while Googling “lonely + help writing online profile,” but when I opened my email all I saw was this:

From: "craigslist”

To: Dan

Sent: Thursday, January 11, 2007 12:02 PM

Subject: flagged & removed: 260621386 (creative services) Tired of Writing Online Profiles?

Your posting has been flagged down by craigslist users.

Meaning one of two things happened – either my competition got wind of my new service and, sensing their inferiority, took drastic and underhanded action to prevent their inevitable annihilation; or someone took it upon oneself to play God with my dreams and shut me down.

(In lieu of this unfortunate twist, I moved the post over to the San Francisco board, hoping to take advantage of the more liberal sensibilities.)

Seeing as how I did extensive research before starting this venture and am pretty sure that I have little to no direct competition, I’m going to guess that it is the latter who perpetrated this great injustice against me. Me being the forgiving man that I am, though, I have decided to turn the verbal cheek and offer my detractor, as a sign of no ill-will, my very first profile, for free.

Age: 32
Location: Brooklyn
Ethnicity: White / Caucasian
Body type: Yes
Relationship Status: No
Favorite Bands: You’ve never heard of them
Education: Masters Degree in Hating
Likes: party pooping, raining on parades, Klonopin, “The Family Guy”
Dislikes: puppies, ice cream, talking, my parents

About Me:
Hey, my name’s not important, because I’m never going to meet any of you fu*kers. Society is so obsessed with physical appearance and material possessions and everyone is so filled with their own inflated egos that their hearts will never even be capable of noticing the beauty in the world.

Who I’d Like To Meet:


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're brilliant...if I was single, I'd let you write my profile any day.

You will still blog when you're a millionaire, right?

January 10, 2007 at 5:01:00 PM EST  
Blogger Meow said...

You're in love already? I suppose it has been a few months.

Perhaps you should attribute it to your writing skills (referring to the initial Jane Austen/Daryl Hannah emails).

January 10, 2007 at 5:13:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

Schemeing lovers is always a good thing.

January 10, 2007 at 5:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger Ashley said...

I love how it sounds like one of those shady daytime TV infomercials. "Call TODAY!" I almost want you to offer me two profiles for the price of one if I call Right Now!!

January 10, 2007 at 5:23:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jules said...

You ARE brilliant. No wonder you didn't stay single long...

January 10, 2007 at 5:38:00 PM EST  
Blogger Airam said...

Lol ... too cute.

January 10, 2007 at 5:59:00 PM EST  
Anonymous some chick with a boy's name said...

Where's the money back guarantee? If I were some single chick over 30 with too many cats who lives at home (hypothetically speaking, of course), I'd need some assurance that your writing could help even a hypothetical dried-up spinster like me... hypothetically.

January 10, 2007 at 6:22:00 PM EST  
Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

I am debating whether to hire you or stick with my banal profile. My worry is that the girl will sleep with me, fall in love, then tell me "i've tolerated the mediocre sex, but what happened to the guy from the profile that I fell in love with?" To which, I'll have to reply, "he lives in NY and he's in love with 'brooke', so you're stuck with would you care for another 6 minutes of vigorous, yet mechanical sex?"

January 10, 2007 at 6:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dr. Stephanie said...

You and Brooke will be sipping little umbrella-embellished drinks on your yacht in no time.

January 10, 2007 at 6:54:00 PM EST  
Blogger Samson & DeLilah said...

Dude! I so love craigslist! Good luck!

January 10, 2007 at 6:59:00 PM EST  
Blogger Crankyputz said...

So your charming and your deviously brilliant in the most useless ways.

January 10, 2007 at 7:07:00 PM EST  
Blogger NancyPearlWannabe said...

That... is genius. Enough said.

January 10, 2007 at 7:22:00 PM EST  
Blogger Brutal Honesty said...

You've got to keep us updated on how this venture goes. I'd love to know what kind of response your ad gets :)

January 10, 2007 at 7:28:00 PM EST  
Anonymous the [younger] sister said...

absurd and amazing.

January 10, 2007 at 7:33:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kate said...


January 10, 2007 at 7:53:00 PM EST  
Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

Why not "rob a bank"?

January 10, 2007 at 9:11:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said... crack me up!

January 10, 2007 at 11:09:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant Dan, absolutely brilliant..

January 10, 2007 at 11:10:00 PM EST  
Blogger dmbmeg said...

i'm going to throw this one in the "why didn't i think of that pile?"

except i'm single, so i don't think it would be quite as effective.

January 11, 2007 at 12:31:00 AM EST  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Yeah, my boyfriend and I thought of joining the porn industry. "Surely people will PAY us to make out?" My other, probably higher-paying option was to become a prostitute as well. I've got the whole innocent, upper-middle class vibe. I feel a lot of guys would pay well for that. Sadly, my bf didn't support that option and the other one hasn't quite panned out for us. I think it's the whole fear of putting our parents in the situation of seeing their child on one of those cheesy, late-night commercials.

January 11, 2007 at 11:07:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Marjorie said...

Craigslist pulled it down already.

January 11, 2007 at 12:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jay said...

You really need to make it into an infomercial. And include a free gift, like a bathroom cleaner or something.

but the sad thing is, I was actually considering it

January 11, 2007 at 2:05:00 PM EST  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

This is awesome - the anonymous posts today are actually positive ones!

January 11, 2007 at 2:28:00 PM EST  
Anonymous playing ugly said...

SF bay area craigslist? why not NY? or do you wanna cut your teeth before your NY debut?

PS. i wanna be the profile you'd write of me!

January 11, 2007 at 2:44:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

San Francisco loves [redacted] and totally hates the guy that flagged you!

January 11, 2007 at 4:22:00 PM EST  
Anonymous some chick with a boy's name said...

Seems that someone out there was jealous of your iconic blogger status and felt empowered by squashing your dreams. Clearly, he has size issues. You should post a new ad catered to women on Craigslist Atlanta. Single, professional straight women outnumber men here by a highly discouraging margin, so it's hard for us ladies here. You could capitalize on knowing what men want (after all, you are one) and make a fortune! Just don't link to it from the blog this time, so Mr. Jealous LittleDick can't strike again.

January 11, 2007 at 7:26:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oops, i flagged it for best of. Hope I didn't click the wrong button...

January 11, 2007 at 8:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kate said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

January 12, 2007 at 1:57:00 AM EST  
Blogger Kate said...

Just checked CL, Dan...your post is still alive as of 10:53 pm PST. Here's hoping you get a out here sure could use the help!

January 12, 2007 at 2:00:00 AM EST  
Blogger Anne said...

Hi, been reading this blog for quite some time. Brilliant and funny, that's you! Great goings you to be in love.

And oh, may I take this chance to ask permission to put your blog url on my list? Well, I actually made a reference to it on my first post here. Best of luck.

January 12, 2007 at 5:01:00 AM EST  
Blogger Kelly said...

Luckily for the detractor, and with thanks to your awesome profile, he's going to meet a lady friend who has similar interests. And, her name is going to be Di.

You have such a kind heart. *glaaaah*

January 12, 2007 at 8:30:00 AM EST  
Blogger Ki Two said...

You are hilarious. You get more link-ability points almost every time I visit your blog.

January 13, 2007 at 11:49:00 PM EST  

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