This morning while “Brooke” and I rode the subway to work together we discussed one of our favorite topics, winning a million dollars on “Deal or No Deal.” Because while we agree that being poor and in love is romantic, we also agree that owning a yacht and being in love is even more romantic.
Winning in “Deal or No Deal” is just the latest in a long line of money-making ideas we’ve had. Some suggestions include: prostitution (me), becoming a spy (her), and getting into the Cuban cigar trade (as a couple), all culminating with our grandest endeavor, The Retirement Cruise™ – where instead of moving into a retirement home, elderly people move onto a retirement cruise ship. When they die, they are cremated and their ashes are spread at sea, just like everyone’s dream.
While the list sounds promising, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to be proactive and begin a series of ventures aimed at supplementing my income. I plan on detailing here each new enterprise and tracking it’s enormous success.
Here is my first venture. Feel free to hire me. Everything printed in the ad is true, disregarding anything that may or may not be too vague to contain any real viability of proof of legitimacy.
I woke up this morning ready to change some lives and write profiles for all the people who surely had noticed my ad last night while Googling “lonely + help writing online profile,” but when I opened my email all I saw was this:
Sent: Thursday, January 11, 2007 12:02 PM
Subject: flagged & removed: 260621386 (creative services) Tired of Writing Online Profiles?
Your posting has been flagged down by craigslist users.
Meaning one of two things happened – either my competition got wind of my new service and, sensing their inferiority, took drastic and underhanded action to prevent their inevitable annihilation; or someone took it upon oneself to play God with my dreams and shut me down.
(In lieu of this unfortunate twist, I moved the post over to the San Francisco board, hoping to take advantage of the more liberal sensibilities.)
Seeing as how I did
extensive research before starting this venture and am pretty sure that I have little to no direct competition, I’m going to guess that it is the latter who perpetrated this great injustice against me. Me being the forgiving man that I am, though, I have decided to turn the verbal cheek and offer my detractor, as a sign of no ill-will, my very first profile, for free.
Ethnicity: White / Caucasian
Body type: Yes
Relationship Status: No
Favorite Bands: You’ve never heard of them
Education: Masters Degree in Hating
Likes: party pooping, raining on parades, Klonopin, “The Family Guy”
Dislikes: puppies, ice cream, talking, my parents
Hey, my name’s not important, because I’m never going to meet any of you fu*kers. Society is so obsessed with physical appearance and material possessions and everyone is so filled with their own inflated egos that their hearts will never even be capable of noticing the beauty in the world.
Who I’d Like To Meet: