Wednesday, January 31, 2007

More Like Mountain Lying!

Mountain Lion Attacks Hiker in California

The mountain lion pounced on Jim during a hike in Prairie Creek Redwoods State Park in northern California. With Jim's head literally inside the lion's mouth, Nell began to beat the animal with a log.

All the while, Jim managed to talk to Nell.

“He said, 'There's a pen in my pocket. Get the pen and poke it in the eye,'" Nell said. "I jabbed it and expected it to go right into the eye socket. It went in a little way. It was like it was hitting this table."

It’s people like this that ruin it for the rest of us. Just last night I was late for my own girlfriend’s birthday, and now today I’m being force fed articles about wives saving their husbands from mountain lions? Let me guess – that makes you better than me. Why can’t people just act normal in circumstances like this? Like, as a rule, anything involving a mountain lion, you react by running. Mountain lion looks up from eating a deer carcass: Run. Mountain lion is seen sleeping in the shade of a large tree: Run. Mountain lion clenches jaw on husband’s face: Run. Doesn’t this make more sense?

In fact, are we so sure it did happen like this? I’m not saying he’s faking (the wounds look real enough), but I am saying, “Was anyone else there to see it?” Oh, no one? No camera? Just a jack rabbit and a prairie dog? Well how convenient because NEITHER OF THEM CAN SPEAK.

In lieu of these facts, I’m going to go with my version of events, which is as follows:

(Scene: Man bent over at the waist with his head in a mountain lion’s mouth. Wife is standing nearby.)

Man: “Oh my God, do something!”

Wife: “Do what? It’s a mountain lion, it’s not going to listen to me. Besides, what if it hurts me?”

Man: “And what, it’s not hurting me?”

Wife: “Why do you have to be so selfish? You should care about my safety.”

Man: “There’s a pen in my backpack – go get it and jab it in his eye.”

Wife: “Are you serious? That is the grossest thing I have ever heard. I am NOT going to . . . ew, I can’t even say it.”

Man: “Who’s being the selfish one now? My head is in a lion’s mouth and all you can think about is not getting your hands dirty.”

Wife: “Wait, I missed that last part. You’ll have to speak up.”

Man: “Probably because my head is in a lion’s mouth!”

Wife: “Probably what?”

Man: “You’re impossible. Now I hope this thing kills me.”

Wife: “Stop being so dramatic.”

Man: (trying to close lion’s mouth down tighter) “If I could just get this tooth into my neck . . .”

Wife: “Fine, go ahead. Ruin our hike. This is just like the time you were late for my birthday.”

Man: “Yeah, this is just like that.”

Wife: “I was standing there for half an hour and I couldn’t get in touch with you!”

Man: “There was a misunderstanding!”

Wife: “Oh don’t start again with the misunderstanding.”

(Pause)

Man: “Look, I messed up, OK? I know I did. But if you get my head out of this mountain lion’s mouth, I promise you it will never happen again.”

Wife: “Maybe I overreacted too . . .”

Man: “No, no. It was my fault. I should have been there. It was your birthday.”

Wife: “I know, but I was cranky, it had been a long day and I was stressed out from work and packing for the move . . .”

Man: “Honey? I’m losing a lot of blood here.”

Wife: “Right, OK. So I have to do the pen thing? Really? No other ideas?”

(The mountain lion sees an antelope out of the corner of its eye and lets go of the man’s head to go pursue it.)

The End.

32 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Goodness that conversation was long winded!!

January 31, 2007 at 4:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger Libby Mae Brown said...

Sounds like maybe the honeymoon period of the new relationship has ended?

January 31, 2007 at 4:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

Are you kidding me? The other day we looked into each other's eyes and and my shirt caught on fire. We're dangerously hot.

January 31, 2007 at 5:00:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait, is she moving in with you?

January 31, 2007 at 5:02:00 PM EST  
Blogger [Disgrundled] said...

#9) No real girl would put up with this crap.

January 31, 2007 at 5:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

Not sure why I thought of this, but whenever Brooke cries, you should call her "Bubbling Brooke." And then shift your stare downwards to avoid The Look.

Happy Birthday, Brooke!

January 31, 2007 at 5:05:00 PM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

Is there a Pen in your pocket? Or are you just poking a mountain lion in the eye?

January 31, 2007 at 5:30:00 PM EST  
Blogger Sam said...

That was awesome - I'd run too. Happy birthday to your girlfriend!

January 31, 2007 at 5:57:00 PM EST  
Blogger trinity67 said...

La la la la - hate anything to do with eyes la la la la - fingers in ears - la la la la la.

January 31, 2007 at 6:01:00 PM EST  
Blogger C.R. III said...

That woman has so much "relationship capital" now! ANY time she wants her husband to do anything, all she has to say is, "Remember when I got your head out of that mountain lion's mouth?" For example, 10 years from now, she wakes up at 3 AM and is craving Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia...

Wife: "Honey, wake up...I want ice cream."
Husband: "Mmfh...huh? Go get it yourself."
Wife: "If you loved me, you'd get it for me."
Husband: "...trying...to...sleep."
Wife: "Mountain Lion."
Husband: "Huh?"
Wife: "Mount--"
Husband: (goes and gets ice cream.)

January 31, 2007 at 7:19:00 PM EST  
Blogger sleepyrn said...

I saved my husband from something just as dangerous - maybe even more so.

I mean, imagine how awful it would have been for him - how truly DANGEROUS to his wellbeing - to loaf around the beach and pick up bikini wearing hoties.

But I married him and saved him from that life of torment.

January 31, 2007 at 7:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger Airam said...

Wow ... that man could have that long a conversation while his face was being eaten by a mountain lion? Amazing!

January 31, 2007 at 9:02:00 PM EST  
Blogger crazysilver said...

lmfao...

dude...you are the best blogger ever...

January 31, 2007 at 9:46:00 PM EST  
Blogger nyeK said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

February 1, 2007 at 12:30:00 AM EST  
Blogger nyeK said...

OK, I love that this story is the topic, but you missed perhaps the bigger deal...this is the exact headline that brought this to my attention: "Hiker beats off mountain lion that had husband's head in its mouth."

seriously. How great is that?
Don't believe me? It's linked from my blog, and I'll even link it right here. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,3-2569370,00.html

I don't know if that link fit or not, I tried a moment ago and it cut off the ".html" at the end, so if anyone's interested, just add that, I guess

February 1, 2007 at 12:32:00 AM EST  
Blogger Gaijinity said...

So was Bubbling Brooke upset when you showed up late?

February 1, 2007 at 7:54:00 AM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

Brooke wasn't mad. She's loving and hot. She understood that I had to save those kids from that burning building before I met her.

I believe her exact words were:
"Oh Dan, you're my hero! Have you been working out?"

February 1, 2007 at 8:54:00 AM EST  
Blogger MC said...

When I first saw the reports, they kept saying "lion." I was a little disappointed to hear it was just a mountain lion.

February 1, 2007 at 8:57:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

anyone else get the feeling that this blog has turned into a public forum for Dan to make cutesy remarks to his new girl? I'm happy for you guys, but it's kind of like having to deal with a friend who baby talks to his girlfriend in front of you. Ewwww.

February 1, 2007 at 9:24:00 AM EST  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

See Dan if you would have read my blog last Friday you would have know that what the lady should have done was make herself appear larger by opening up her jacket. And throw stones at the lion. She needed to show that lion who was boss.

We learned how to defend ourseleves from my worst case scenario desk top calendar. Interesting huh?

February 1, 2007 at 11:41:00 AM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

Julie-gong I bought the same calendar !!!

Dan youre funny!

February 1, 2007 at 11:59:00 AM EST  
Blogger SoberCityGirl said...

I think you get away with a lot because you're hot.

February 1, 2007 at 2:17:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the kind of conversation my hubby and I would have. Totally.

February 1, 2007 at 3:00:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If she wasn't mad at you for showing up late to her birthday (after all, there were children who needed saving), she might be a tad miffed after reading this post to discover that you'd save your own ass if she were ever attacked by a mountain lion. You could have gotten away with claiming that you'd be heroic in such a scenario since mountain lions don't frequent NY.

February 1, 2007 at 4:29:00 PM EST  
Blogger Werbie said...

Anonymous, there may not be "mountain lions" as they are generally recognized in New York, but there are other life-threatening beasts, some even more menacing than a big cat. I'm referring, of course, to the guy in the subway who plays the
electronic saxophone
during rush hour, or the dangerous stampedes of tourists after a matinee performance lets out. Head for the high land!

February 1, 2007 at 5:33:00 PM EST  
Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

OK trinity just cracked me UP

Dude, no more bein late, that is just RUDE! Next time you will get poked in the eye with a pen

February 1, 2007 at 5:57:00 PM EST  
Blogger Beechball * said...

Funniest thing I have ever read. I'm supposed to be quietly reading while someone is sleeping behind me but nooo, I gotta laugh at the pen in the eye thing and wake them up, hahaha, that's so awesome!

February 1, 2007 at 7:39:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

I just want to know who's representing the mountain lion's side of things.. and when he trampled home w/ a missing eye instead of dinner.. what his girlfriend said to him!

February 1, 2007 at 8:32:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've come to the conclusion that I'm the only person who reads this blog who doesn't think Dan's hot.

February 2, 2007 at 8:26:00 AM EST  
Blogger mm said...

Anon: I don't think Dan is hot, either. Hot or not, his blog is superb. lollercoaster, roflcopter, etc.

February 2, 2007 at 10:38:00 AM EST  
Blogger Caitiedid said...

Nyek is 100% correct. That Times headline is one in a million.

Well, it's one in about ten, but it's impressively ill-conceived and I love that no one at the Times bothered to stop and think before putting it up.

Some lowly fact checker is sniggering in the corner.

February 2, 2007 at 10:41:00 AM EST  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Is the mountain lion okay???

February 2, 2007 at 1:26:00 PM EST  

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