Tuesday, January 9, 2007

New, Inventive Way To Ruin My Day

I woke up in a bad mood this morning, which isn’t uncommon because waking up invariably leads to leaving bed, which is my favorite place in the world.

When I left my apartment I was prepared to be bitter and unfriendly for, among other reasons, having to wake up, it being Tuesday, it being January, having no money and having to go to work. Then I thought: “Maybe my day will go better if I just force myself to be in a good mood. Maybe it will spread to others, like sunshine, and then everyone will be happy.” So I played “Semi-Charmed Kind of Life” on my iPod and walked to the subway.

And you know what? It was actually working. For the entire day, I made pretend I was in a good mood, talking to coworkers, sending cheery emails to people I haven’t spoken to in a while, even calling my mom just to say “What’s up?”

But then I went to the bathroom and as I am washing my hands another guy walks in. He steps up to a urinal and, just as I’m walking out he says, “You know, you could at least flush.”

Immediately I am confused. One, because I did flush. But two, because who in the history of public bathrooms has done this? (Three, because just hearing a grown man stranger say the word “flush” to you is disarming.) I reply, “I did.” He says, “What’s this?” pointing to a urinal full of pee. I say, “I used that one,” pointing to a different, flushed urinal. It is here, with me literally standing accused in a bathroom by a man pointing at a urinal full of pee, that I finally think, “Today probably wasn’t as good as I made it out to be.”

So thanks McGruff, for ruining my good mood. Not just for me, but for everyone. You can be the one to explain to Kathy in accounting why I never replied to her forward about a hug being worth a thousand smiles. Not today, Kathy. Not today . . .


Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahahaha - awesome. that third eye blind song always does the trick.

January 9, 2007 at 4:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

There you were, with visions of red panties and coke binges dancing in your head, and some douche decides to accuse you of being That Guy that doesn't have any bathroom ettiquite. (He apparently didn't realize that he was already That Guy).

At this point, I'd give up and go home. Call the girlfriend, order some takeout, and cuddle up in bed. You've earned it.

January 9, 2007 at 5:53:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dodged the accusation bullet on Friday.

I walked into a toilet full of poo that wouldn't flush. When the next person walked in, I told her not to go in that stall because someone had clogged up the toilet. I didn't really *care* about preventing her from walking in on it, I just didn't want her to think it was me.

We ended up having a conversation about her experience walking in on a toilet full of poo and blood. Ew.

See? Women can be gross, too.

January 9, 2007 at 6:05:00 PM EST  
Blogger Beechball * said...

Aww, it's so sad that your day was ruined... again... by some stranger in a public bathroom. It's funny how we are like that though. I can be in the best mood, and the littlest thing can set me off, and it's almost as though I was just waiting for something to snap at unconsciously... oh well. Take advantage of those shitty days and watch sad movies, lay staring at the ceiling while you listen to depressing music and just get that shit outta your head asap! :) Smiling will help to make you happy, you proved it to yourself! :


January 9, 2007 at 6:17:00 PM EST  
Blogger dmbmeg said...

next time trade the Third Eye Blind (albeit a good choice) for some Rick Astley (any song will do, but I prefer "Never Gonna Give You Up"). You will then no longer have to "pretend" to be in a good mood as his velvety smooth voice is guaranteed to put you in the most excellent of moods. I know this from experience.

January 9, 2007 at 6:42:00 PM EST  
Blogger Brutal Honesty said...

You should have told him you accidently got some piss on the floor too and that he's standing in it. That bastard....


January 9, 2007 at 7:23:00 PM EST  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I just put that dorky-ass 3rd Eye Blind song on, and you know what? It is damn cheery. Plus the name makes me think that when they say the 3rd eye they are referring to the brown eye, and then I think about how swishy the singer was, and I chuckle.

January 9, 2007 at 7:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger scott said...

Dude. My bad. Sorry. I was on the phone and didn't have a free hand, plus I thought it was one of those auto-flush urinals. Plus I don't ever flush. Plus I peed on the floor a little. On purpose.

Hello, Dan.

January 9, 2007 at 8:49:00 PM EST  
Blogger Man On The Street said...

Which is why I try to time my pee/poo excusions to times I'm pretty sure that no one is in there... before 11 a.m., avoid noon to 1:30; 2 is cool, but 2:30 to 4:30 is when every guy tries to get that last bit of Subway turkey club out of their system, so that's a bad time. No, I try to be echo-sounding alone in there to make all the disgusting noises I want. But there's always the freak who comes in to the empty (save for me) men's room and, ignoring the four other empty stalls further down, takes the one RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Whassup with that? Especially when there a roomy handicapped stall that no one ever uses! But that's a whole 'nother story...

January 9, 2007 at 9:50:00 PM EST  
Blogger My Novelty Organ said...

i like to think what it might be like being you sometimes when this stuff happens. because maybe your day was full of "what am i gonna blog about today?" and then this pot of gold urine lands 2 feet to your right and you have yourself a blog posting.

its these things that make your day good dan, dont you see?! you should be thanking this jackass while dunking his head in that toilet. that wouldve been great.

January 9, 2007 at 10:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger Texas Cinderella said...

I feel sorry for Kathy...what with the harsh repercussions! What an asshole!

January 10, 2007 at 6:39:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jay said...

I can't believe you were forced to defend to a stranger in a bathroom if you had flushed the urinal. You should have drowned him in the unflushed spectacle.

January 10, 2007 at 6:53:00 AM EST  
Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

What kind of man talks to a complete stranger in a bathroom? He was probably a homosexual and the urinal thing was homo-code for "i want to touch your thingy". You're lucky you asserted your alpha-male dominance and made him back down. If not, he likely would've gone all Brokeback Mountain on you and then your blog would've taken a strange dark turn.

Not that I have anything against the gays. After all, the world needs hairdressers and guys that women can confide in who aren't staring at their norks.

January 10, 2007 at 9:06:00 AM EST  
Blogger Crankyputz said...

From Kathy of Accounting
TO: Reacted


Lady Putz has taken it upon herself to inform me why you blew me off today. After all the chain letter clearly indicated that you were supposed to send it back to me, so that I would be ensured thirty years of great sex.

Now I am damned (that's right damned) to thirty years of bad sex, all cuz some ponani asked you if you flushed. As if living the rest of my life with Leroy isn't enough....Now i have to deal with this.

Our relationship is irreparably damaged. Every time a supplier whines about a mislaid cheque…may a flush go off in your head.


January 10, 2007 at 9:31:00 AM EST  
Blogger nyeK said...

When someone's irrational like this, the only thing I can think to do is be irrational in return - perhaps you should have hit him with "no, man...I'm pretty sure that's your piss."
Blind-side him with nonsense. If he even tries to dispute that it's his urine, just be like "whatever...way to man up and take responsibility."

Public bathrooms are endless entertainment.
By the way, I'm Nye.

January 10, 2007 at 9:38:00 AM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

too bad you dont live in Miami. I would have rubbed you down.....ummmm sorry i was thinking about somethign else. Anyways, I know what you mean...guess what? Women get that feeling every month for about 5 - 8 days...yeap I dont feel that bad for you. The one I feel bad for is my poor boy f. he gets the blunt of my crazy behavior and erratic anger. But hes pretty much learned to ignore it after 5 years of my crazies. Good luck with that.

still love ya!


January 10, 2007 at 9:43:00 AM EST  
Blogger greener said...

Totally shoulda gone with the ' i peed on the floor too' route..or stood there while he peed and then if he gave you the accusatory glance just tell him, what? I want to make sure that you, the king of flushing, flushs. Then remind him to wash his hands. Then follow it with a cheery smile of "HAVE A GREAT DAY'.

Then maybe you could have told Kathy that instead of emailing you about hugs, she should come share one with you. Poor Kathy.

January 10, 2007 at 9:44:00 AM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

Hmmm, maybe I should start asking co-workers from behind the stall door as they head out with pee stained hands,(you can hear the soap dispenser being pumped and the water running from the inside stalls) "You gonna wash???" I wonder what kind of response I'd get?
And HomeImprovementNinja, Norks??? I've never heard them referred to as such.

January 10, 2007 at 10:00:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha I love that Third Eye Blind song. I think I listened to that song 24/7 back in uhm... whenever it was popular.

Also, I hate people. You should've farted to add to the effect. Would've been mint.

January 10, 2007 at 11:06:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He was probably just jealous of your huge cock.

January 10, 2007 at 12:00:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Man, some people suck. It's just their nature, they can't help it. Maybe we should try feeling sorry for the accuser, and put the bitterness behind us. Flush it right away, if you will.

Hi. I'm de-lurking. Not because you asked, but because it's sort of the right thing to do, being National De-Lurking Week and all.

January 10, 2007 at 12:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger Not a Cookie Cutter said...

Perhaps listening to "Float On" by Modest Mouse would bring back that good mood.

January 10, 2007 at 2:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger Alejandra said...

This is so weird because you're the second person today (or yesterday, rather) who mentioned the whole "fake it 'till ya make it" approach to being happy.

January 10, 2007 at 4:18:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Acting "as if" never works for long. When I see a toilet full of pee in the ladies room that isn't mine I always go in and flush it because it is one of my fears that someone will come in think it's mine. But after I flush someone else's pee I somehow feel dirty like some of the pee has somehow penetrated me.

January 10, 2007 at 4:25:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if you could "at least" flush, i wonder what he thought you could do if you were willing to go beyond the bare minimum, i.e., "at most".

January 10, 2007 at 9:19:00 PM EST  
Blogger Caitiedid said...

You should've given him a weird look, said "Oh, I'm sorry." And flushed his urinal while he was using it.

January 10, 2007 at 9:59:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SO FUNNY!!! I just fell upon your blog and I am quite entertained! I can only imagine this situation...would make a great SNL skit!

Keep on Bloggin...and Flushin!

January 11, 2007 at 4:44:00 PM EST  
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