Thursday, February 15, 2007

I Hate My Job I Hate My Job I Hate My Job I Hate My Job I Hate My Job I Hate My Job: Or I Hate My Job

Work has been particularly soul crushing lately. To counter this I have been trying different methods of reassuring myself that I am happy, fortunate, well-adjusted, etc - basically what some might call “methods of coping,” but which I refer to as “methods of ingesting a ton of substances that may or may not have any considerable effect on my mood.” Because coping just seems hard.

It’s been a couple of weeks now and I am ready to analyze the data. Here it is:

(Disclaimer: None of what follows is intended as medical advice. If you need medical advice, you should go to your doctor. Or to because the internet is a wealth of valuable information. You can even buy pills without a prescription from India. It’s awesome.)


Desired Effect: to be more alert, energized, vibrant
Actual Effect: more hyper in my despondency

Commentary: I stopped drinking caffeine for a stretch of time so I think starting up again at what you might call a ferocious pace might not have been the best idea. Still, I don’t do things half-assed, and coffee is delicious and I think caffeine may possess some physically addictive properties. Anyway, it turns out that caffeine’s most valuable effect may be that taking a break to get yourself another cup of coffee is a nice little interlude during busy stretches of droning labor. Plus trying to concentrate with the incessant tapping of my own foot provides an added difficulty factor to doing work, kind of changing things up.


Desired Effect: to be more carefree, relaxed, sexy
Actual Effect: sad at work while hungover, eating a lot of pizza

Commentary: Since I think it’s still technically frowned upon to drink in the office, I had to get a little creative here. I would drink a lot more than I normally would the night before, hoping that it would carry over into the next day. (You know the feeling, when you wake up and start drinking water and all of a sudden you’re drunk again, like your body is reflexively responding to the motion of your arm bringing the glass to your mouth). It kind of worked, but where I got stuck is that eventually I would get a hangover, and my hangover cure is normally a bloody Mary, which I CAN’T DRINK IN THE OFFICE. This must be what they are referring to when they call alcoholism a “vicious cycle.”


Desired Effect: to feel healthier, stronger
Actual Effect: poorer, slight nausea

Commentary: I never knew this, but with most of these supplements (Ginseng, Omega-3, etc.) you have to take anywhere from 6 to 8 pills a day. Once I realized that I had been doing it wrong all these years (taking just one in the morning) I was excited to finally reap the benefits. Instead, by the time I took the final two Ginkgo Biloba, Green Tea extract and Omega-3 capsules at the end of the day I was ready to vomit. On the plus side, the nausea did distract me from the wretchedness of my job as I was more concerned about not throwing up in the middle of the staff meeting than anything that was actually being said at the staff meeting.


Desired Effect: to feel healthier, stronger, less thirsty
Actual Effect: unmitigated tremors, bright urine

Commentary: I figured I could fix the problem of having to take 8 pills by getting all the same supplemental goodness from one stiff drink (Arizona Herbal RX). I took one sip and said out loud, “That’s not good.” But as though my body was immediately addicted to the health it offered, I downed it in a matter of minutes. Two things of importance to note: 1. We have come to a tricky place in civilization when we are forcing ourselves to drink things that we dislike in order to feel better about our condition. Vodka tastes good. Beer tastes good. Arizona Herbal RX does not taste good. 2. Despite the very strong desire to do so, it is never acceptable to try to show your pee to another guy in the bathroom because it is so insanely fluorescent. I mean insanely. Like, you almost rationalize that of course he would want to see this, it’s insane. But still, unacceptable.


Desired Effect: to drown my sorrows
Actual Effect: minor belly ache, co-worker pointing out chocolate on face

Commentary: While I’m still young and it’s physically impossible for me to get fat, I feel it is my right and privilege to eat a bag of cookies for lunch. Some might argue that if it’s such a right and privilege, why do you keep the bag hidden in your desk drawer so no one will see you shoving them in your face? And to those people I say, “Don’t hate me because you are fat.” Then I go back to work, wiping the tears from my eyes with another cookie and, in an act both symbolic and delicious, take another bite.


Blogger Miss Nines said...

Well said.

February 15, 2007 at 3:54:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like you need a red bull man. My fave recipe

1/2 Can of Red Bull
1 Shot of espresso
2 Flintstones Chewables
and chocolate chocolate chip cookie chaser.

Thats the ultimate uplifter/energizer.

February 15, 2007 at 3:59:00 PM EST  
Blogger Meow said...

hahahaha.... the flourescent pee thing got me.

I hate my job as well. I have, however, succumbed to blogging in great detail about my coworkers' hygeine habits and hysterically racist comments. But I'll try cookies next.

February 15, 2007 at 4:04:00 PM EST  
Blogger MC said...

I hate my job too. Wow what a coincidence! Anyway, my knew coping mechanism is fake doctors appointments, or real appointments that happen to take 3 hours.

February 15, 2007 at 4:16:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My boyfriend's vitamins make my pee flourescent.

And, I think a drink or four at lunch is fine. Just to get you through...But then, I'm in AA, so maybe advice isn't the best here.

February 15, 2007 at 4:38:00 PM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

These are the steps I take to circumvent killing myself because of work: 1) Keep alcohol bottle hidden at desk. If you use Irish Cream you can add it to your coffee without too much head turning. Not everyone knows Bailey’s is an adult beverage.
2) Take extra long liquid lunches with like minded co-workers.
3) Spend hours discussing with like minded co-workers, how and when the new employees will succumb to the life force sucking fate that is our job which will subsequently rip the perkiness and "new ideas" right out of them; in great detail, while on the clock of course.

February 15, 2007 at 4:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger Green said...

Sorry work is sucking for you. I find that if I look at my coworkers as a group of actors working at a sitcom who try to stay in character even when the camera isn't rolling and I consider them blog fodder, life is slightly more bearable.

Plus I have two rolls of smarties hidden in my desk drawer.

February 15, 2007 at 4:56:00 PM EST  
Blogger shaygo said...

i just posted about how much i hate my fucking job! arrrrrrrgggggghhhhh.

thank you for doing all this scientific research so i don't have to. you're a hero amongst men.

February 15, 2007 at 5:01:00 PM EST  
Blogger Brandon said...

i do believe you meant to write, 'a DELICIOUS cycle.' alcoholism is a delicious cycle.

February 15, 2007 at 5:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Beechball * said...

I don't know how you manage to do it... but you seem to write the funniest stuff I've ever read, and it seems effortless to you - how i ENVY you and your damn, stinkin' talent! (and your inability to get fat ;)

February 15, 2007 at 7:32:00 PM EST  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cookies rule. I ate a whole row of mimosa, girl scout cookies. Those are my SHIT!

February 15, 2007 at 8:09:00 PM EST  
Blogger kris said...

Nicely put.

It might be time for the Diet Coke hybrid -- half fully caffeinated and the other lame and caffeine free.

Either that or Ensure.

February 15, 2007 at 8:24:00 PM EST  
Blogger Brutal Honesty said...

I totally relate to you. However, I decided to finally quit my job! I just happened to have blogged about what I call my "Freedom Plan" last week. I feel better already!

February 15, 2007 at 8:52:00 PM EST  
Blogger tammy said...

You've outdone yourself, once again.

February 15, 2007 at 9:07:00 PM EST  
Blogger Ki Two said...

I'm glad "sex" wasn't on that list of things that did not provide the desired effect and had weird consequences.

I'd suggest that you try finding God, but that would make me laugh too hard. And I'd feel really bad sending you down that winding path to hell. Besides, you talked about church already and how you'd hide from it.

I hope your job gets better, or that you find better dietary supplements to make it seem better, which ever gets you more happiness and money in the long run.

February 16, 2007 at 1:04:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jenni said...

"Don't hate me because you're fat."

I love that.

My vitamins make my pee flourescent too. It's weird, but it's just the price we have to pay for "Optimal Health and Well-being."

Which reminds me, last year my four-year-old nephew took me into the bathroom to show the GINORMOUS terd he laid in the shitter. It was totally inappropriate and I actually found myself saying out loud "Holy CRAP! What do these people FEED you?!"

He's totally going to be that guy who shows other guys in the bathroom his flourescent vitamin- laced urine.

February 16, 2007 at 9:31:00 AM EST  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

Its posts like these that remind me why I heart you so...

February 16, 2007 at 9:35:00 AM EST  
Blogger Liza Jane said...

Drinking at work is only actually frowned upon if you get caught.

February 16, 2007 at 10:57:00 AM EST  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I think I'm just going to start putting vodka in my water bottle. I'm not sure anyone would really notice. Or you could warn your coworkers that your doctor had prescribed a new drug for you with interesting side effects. Then, when you slur and fall over or cease making sense, you can blame it on the doctor.

And I get you on the caffeine/coffee thing. I'd been drinking primarily water and then decided that since my bosses are crazy, I deserved TWO mochas in one day... I'm still kind of bouncy. It's an angry bouncy, but still. I'm actually kind of wondering how long it will last. And if it means I should stay away from Starbucks liqueur...

February 16, 2007 at 11:49:00 AM EST  
Blogger Erin Mc said...

I actually work at a company where we have "Beer Thirty" as my boss calls it, but usually that means about 3-3:30. There is a stocked mini fridge and a bottle opener not even 10 feet from my desk. It's about 1 now... I'm thinking of cracking one open a little early.

February 16, 2007 at 1:07:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FUCK YOU, Erin Mc., just FUCK YOU...

And hire me. Please. :-)

I have "Beer for Breakfast" days. Yep. If I am up early on a weekend and have done half a days work by 9am, then BY GOD I deserve a damn beer and don't you DARE question me on it. My DH thinks it hilarious.

February 17, 2007 at 12:33:00 AM EST  
Anonymous mydogischelsea said...

If you think your pee is neon after an Arizona Herbal RX, then you should try UTI medication—Gatorade-orange in hue, and it stains the bowl when you're done.

Also, have you tried Emergen-C? I recommend lemon-lime flavor. It makes you feel vaguely energized and kinda-sorta focused for about 20 minutes, which for me translates to roughly a 200% productivity increase.

February 17, 2007 at 3:28:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awww, sweetheart, I feel your pain. I hate uni right now and I'm counting the days until I'm finished. I'm not happy. I thought a good old-fashioned pre-commute doobie would encourage me to go in more, but all it encourages me to do is sit in the park and feed the ducks (who make infinitely better colleagues than anyone I know right now).

I suggest something cheesy but pleasant on the iPod for those bad moments (I like Matt Monro personally).

How many times can you get away with hiding in the bathroom and masturbating? Because that'll cheer you up no end, not least for the fact that you're getting paid to beat your meat.

Also, invest in a bottle of 5-HTP and have a couple with a cup of warm milk before bedtime. There will come a point when nothing will touch you...

February 18, 2007 at 3:39:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, if you take Dexatrim a lot it turns your urine neon as well. It's pretty spiffy.

Hmm, I don't know about you but if I spent my days eating cookies I would be quite fat. You're lucky.

Red Bull tastes like liquid Pixi Stix. Only drink Red Bull if you have some vodka handy. I recommend a flask.

February 19, 2007 at 4:54:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

I always have to have a chocolate fix between 2 and 4 or sometimes at 2 and 4 and maybe at 3 too.

But if you eat something before taking your vitamins, you won't get all that nausea. Food in your stomach will also help you absorb what your taking in vitamin form a bit better.

Sorry about the job. I know the feeling.

February 20, 2007 at 11:37:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel your pain man. Vodka in the water bottle definitely works. Especially if your job is particularly boring and/or mindless. Heck, vodka/mountain dew does the job when you actually have to look like you're paying attention.

This is my winter trick. In the summer I just immerse myself in other activities and get out of there asap and spend the rest of the day on the mountain bike.

March 17, 2007 at 12:45:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous hate my job Bob said...

Try Zanix. You simply will not care the rest of the day. I had one woman that drove me nuts. I took Zanix and I can actually ignore everything she said. I believe she even asked me if I was listening to her. Obvious answer: I don't listen to a damn thing you say ever

October 31, 2008 at 12:44:00 PM EDT  
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December 11, 2008 at 2:32:00 AM EST  

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