Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Lawrence Fishburn Asks Tough Questions

This Yahoo! Answers thing is getting out of control. There’s a reason chat rooms were invented, and it was so that weird people with dumb questions could congregate with other weird people with dumb answers IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN absurdity. For some reason, the geniuses at Yahoo! thought that the general public would like to join in on riveting discussions like, “Why does turkey make you tired?” and “Why does my belt have to match my shoes?” Then they slapped it on their homepage, and, because questions like “I want Garden?” weren’t ridiculous enough, they gave everyone avatars, which, if I understand it correctly, are cartoonish representations of oneself, so that when you go into question answering mode, you can, like a super hero, transform from a boring, ordinary geek into an extraordinarily geekish bore.

(Ed. Note: That last paragraph may make the author seem a bit bitchy. In fact, you couldn’t be more correct. One time a therapist told him that when he remonstrated (his word, dick) like that, what he was really doing was engaging in displacement, or redirecting his anger at a safer target in order to avoid dealing with a . . . The author stopped him there and said, “No, you’re just ugly.”)

But this is too much. Lawrence Fishburn? He of “I speak so much less threateningly than Denzel, I should be white people’s favorite black actor” fame? Here? Posing questions to a mass of anonymous cartoon faces? Well, maybe he’ll at least ask a hard, riveting question:

Lawrence . . . are you kidding me? This is your challenging question? You really don’t know why people don’t talk about it more? How about this: BECAUSE IT’S SAD! Who wants to go around talking about dying children? Why would I wait 20 minutes to get the couch at Starbucks just to sit down and ruin it by saying, “So, about these 10 million dead kids.” It’s just common sense. In fact, I’m tempted to set up an account just so I can log in and answer that question for you. Lucky for you I choose not to. So instead you’ll get answers where people suck up to you. Like

Oh . . . oh snap, Lawrence. She asked for your proof! I’m not saying you should do this, but if it were me I would find out who this Smartypants is and where she lives and I would put a dead kid on her doorstep with a note that says, “Exhibit A.” Then after about 10 seconds of her screaming, have the kid pop up and say, “Nobody messes with the Fish!” and run off. Because that joke seemed a little morbid, even for me.

(Ed. Note: In the interest of full disclosure, the author wants you to know he has an avatar for his Yahoo! account. He uses it for his fantasy football league. He thought the horse was a nice touch.)

13 Comments:

Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Great post Dan!

I would like to know WHAT those kidlets are dying from though...
Playground accidents?
Car accidents?
Cancer?
Lead based paints?
Drinking from the hose?

February 6, 2007 at 5:08:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kelly said...

The horse definitely is a nice touch.

Although ... other fanatsy footballers may not appreciate it as much as females under the age of 15.

February 6, 2007 at 5:10:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

I feel compelled to point out that Dan, in a virtual middle finger move, spelled Laurence as "Lawrence" throughout the entire post.

Way to hit 'em where it hurts, Dan.

February 6, 2007 at 5:19:00 PM EST  
Blogger julia said...

The answer to Fishy's burning question is: because celebrities like you pay lip service to things like "poverty" with stirring ad campaigns that totally depress me and "AIDS" by selling us more crap from the Gap, but you don't put any pressure on any power people to DO anything, like invent a time machine so we can go back and avoid raping developing continents of valuable natural resources and dividing Africa into a bunch of arbitrary countries that ignore tribal structures.

Or "Lack of knowledge."

Whichever.

February 6, 2007 at 7:22:00 PM EST  
Blogger Airam said...

I agree with scottsdale girl ... how can we do anything to help these dying children if their deaths are a mystery!

And your solution to the smartypants comment was classic.

February 6, 2007 at 9:45:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't mean to be the one posting the serious comment to a light hearted though remonstrative, post. but, seriously, the under-5 death thing (yes, at least 10.5 million kids are dying every year) is real. you can look it up on reports released by both the WHO and the UN. The underlying cause? malnutrition. everything else that hits these kids - infections, diarrhea, displacement from homes - it's all on top of the malnutrition.

laurence fishburne posed an excellent questions, in the wrong forum. these celebrities, like julia said, need to stop making us buy crap through the Gap, and instead, need to funnel money into bring awareness to most of the people who go on yahoo answers.

February 6, 2007 at 11:13:00 PM EST  
Blogger stephanie said...

More people should be talking about this shit -- as a teacher and person involved in a lot of volunter work,who is NOT self-righteous, depsite the tone of this comment, more people shold be talking about what they can do. Like, instead of buying a 100-gig iPod, fucking donate some money or volunteer some tme. Not that I am all into L. Fishbourne, but I have to agree with him. In Darfur alone, 80 infants will die each day of malnutrition, and that's a U.N. fact, bitches.

February 7, 2007 at 7:12:00 AM EST  
Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

Dead kids? It's that kind of edgy humor that keeps me coming back here. It also keeps me in therapy, but whatever.

February 7, 2007 at 9:22:00 AM EST  
Blogger Urban Style Roppongi said...

I have a better question...

Who do I contact about getting my $10 back after seeing The Matrix Revolutions?

February 7, 2007 at 10:29:00 AM EST  
Blogger Not a Cookie Cutter said...

Hilarious! My yahoo avatar is accompanied by penguins regardless of the background.

February 7, 2007 at 11:02:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jay said...

Can we have avatars for the Friday Q&A? And can Lawrence Fishburn do a guest spot on it one week?

February 7, 2007 at 2:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger ジェネヴィーヴ said...

I remember now why you're my blog crush. I laughed so hard tears came out.
I espicially liked your idea of the dead kid who wasn't really head. Brilliant!

February 8, 2007 at 11:28:00 AM EST  
Blogger Carl said...

There are many problems with Yahoo answers. In my profession (Aquarium maintenance and research) I am constantly appalled at what gets picked as best answer and the “top contributors” are nothing more than posers spewing out anecdotal facts or worse. Then this thumbs down/up feature just keeps the mob mentality going.

Fish as Pets; Yahoo Answers

April 4, 2007 at 8:18:00 PM EDT  

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