Like I wrote in my first Million Dollar Idea post, money is the best thing ever invented. OK, maybe I didn’t write that, but I was thinking it. But it turns out that, much like sex, money is only awesome if you have it. And while my first venture (an online-profile writing service) was moderately successful*, I quickly realized that if I was going to make it in that line of work I was going to have to interact with other people. And ask anyone who knows me, if there’s one type of person I can’t stand it’s others.
So for my second venture I’ve turned inward. I sat down and thought: “Who would I like to work with?”
I immediately thought, “Food.”
OK, OK . . . what kind of food?
My favorite food, of course. Hamburgers. No, pizza. No wait, hamburgers. Pizza. Hamburgers.
I went on like that for a few minutes before it hit me: What do people love to do besides eat? Fight. (Watch closely, this is a genius entrepreneurial mind at work.) Much like the wildly successful Bum Wars, I would turn two naïve, tender entity against one another. There would be controversy, there would be outrage. There will be a line drawn in the sand, and by the time I am done the world will be divided into two groups: those who, forced to make a choice, would give up either pizza or hamburgers.
I give you, Million Dollar Idea #2: TEAM PIZZA or TEAM HAMBURGER!
The Argument For Pizza: It is the perfect food. I know this because I am eating it right now. With a crust like a blank canvas on which you may impose your hopes and dreams, a pizza can be topped with virtually anything (except, for the sake of this argument, a hamburger). It is portable, it is cheap and nothing in the world goes better with a cold beer than a slice of pizza. Indeed, at the end of a long night of drinking, is there anywhere you would like to be [that doesn’t involve grinding up on someone whose name you never got] other than a pizza parlor? Pizza is, in a word, round and delicious.
The Argument for Hamburgers: It is meat. A hamburger is nothing but a shaped mass of meat. That alone makes it worth every culinary distinction. Like pizza, the toppings are endless (except, for the sake of this argument, a pizza). It is a fact that barbecues would not exist if it were not for hamburgers. That’s a whole substrata of summer parties that would cease to exist were it not for this perfectly charred patty of meat. I met my girlfriend at a barbecue. If it weren’t for the hamburger, we never would have met. (That’s not true, but I’m sure it is for someone.)
There will be TEAM PIZZA and TEAM HAMBURGER t-shirts, visors and knapsack patches available soon. There will also be various rallies, subsidiary functions and underground meetings (think Fight Club). And I will be president of TEAM PIZZA or TEAM HAMBURGER, Co. They say that there is a certain peace that surrounds you when you know you’ve found your calling in life. And you know what? They’re right.
Let the money start rolling in!
* Success is a relative idea. Like some people equate success with having success, while others find it successful just to be happy with yourself. I consider it a successful venture when it becomes so popular that I have to turn people away. And that’s exactly what I did – turned all three customers away.