Thursday, February 22, 2007

Million Dollar Idea #2

Like I wrote in my first Million Dollar Idea post, money is the best thing ever invented. OK, maybe I didn’t write that, but I was thinking it. But it turns out that, much like sex, money is only awesome if you have it. And while my first venture (an online-profile writing service) was moderately successful*, I quickly realized that if I was going to make it in that line of work I was going to have to interact with other people. And ask anyone who knows me, if there’s one type of person I can’t stand it’s others.

So for my second venture I’ve turned inward. I sat down and thought: “Who would I like to work with?”

I immediately thought, “Food.”

OK, OK . . . what kind of food?

My favorite food, of course. Hamburgers. No, pizza. No wait, hamburgers. Pizza. Hamburgers.

I went on like that for a few minutes before it hit me: What do people love to do besides eat? Fight. (Watch closely, this is a genius entrepreneurial mind at work.) Much like the wildly successful Bum Wars, I would turn two naïve, tender entity against one another. There would be controversy, there would be outrage. There will be a line drawn in the sand, and by the time I am done the world will be divided into two groups: those who, forced to make a choice, would give up either pizza or hamburgers.

I give you, Million Dollar Idea #2: TEAM PIZZA or TEAM HAMBURGER!

The Argument For Pizza: It is the perfect food. I know this because I am eating it right now. With a crust like a blank canvas on which you may impose your hopes and dreams, a pizza can be topped with virtually anything (except, for the sake of this argument, a hamburger). It is portable, it is cheap and nothing in the world goes better with a cold beer than a slice of pizza. Indeed, at the end of a long night of drinking, is there anywhere you would like to be [that doesn’t involve grinding up on someone whose name you never got] other than a pizza parlor? Pizza is, in a word, round and delicious.

The Argument for Hamburgers: It is meat. A hamburger is nothing but a shaped mass of meat. That alone makes it worth every culinary distinction. Like pizza, the toppings are endless (except, for the sake of this argument, a pizza). It is a fact that barbecues would not exist if it were not for hamburgers. That’s a whole substrata of summer parties that would cease to exist were it not for this perfectly charred patty of meat. I met my girlfriend at a barbecue. If it weren’t for the hamburger, we never would have met. (That’s not true, but I’m sure it is for someone.)

There will be TEAM PIZZA and TEAM HAMBURGER t-shirts, visors and knapsack patches available soon. There will also be various rallies, subsidiary functions and underground meetings (think Fight Club). And I will be president of TEAM PIZZA or TEAM HAMBURGER, Co. They say that there is a certain peace that surrounds you when you know you’ve found your calling in life. And you know what? They’re right.

Let the money start rolling in!

* Success is a relative idea. Like some people equate success with having success, while others find it successful just to be happy with yourself. I consider it a successful venture when it becomes so popular that I have to turn people away. And that’s exactly what I did – turned all three customers away.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

People who'd give up pizza are heathens.

Down with Camp Hamburger!!

February 22, 2007 at 3:54:00 PM EST  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

Wow I am pumped for this concept. I myself cannot decide which I could live without. But since Lent started yesterday (and I don't eat seafood) as a hardcore Cath I'm gonna have to go with the need for pizza for my Fridays, at least for the next 40 days. After that I'll once again be stumped.


February 22, 2007 at 4:16:00 PM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

I'm in camp pizza as well. However, I can't help but point out that in an episode of The Apprentice, they were working at Donimos and their task was to create a new pizza. I believe the team that won, created the Hamburger Pizza.

February 22, 2007 at 4:25:00 PM EST  
Blogger little miss sunshine said...

Dude, get with the times. Not CAMP. TEAM. TEAM Pizza or TEAM Hamburger.

February 22, 2007 at 4:43:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now I want to eat both, on top of each other.

You're funny.

February 22, 2007 at 4:56:00 PM EST  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I have to agree with LMS. Camp is just a stupid name. It brings up echoes of summers spent in tents or cabins, and smelling funny because you ran around lots and didn't shower enough. Oh, and bad food. Which is exactly the opposite of your goal, unless you go with the delicacies of camp food, Smores. And there is nothing to compare with Smores, so there would be no point in the show. Therefore, go with Team. It's so much better.

February 22, 2007 at 5:07:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Camp Pizza!!! Although I visited another camp for eating too much pizza...... down with fat camp!!!

February 22, 2007 at 5:14:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

I listen to my customers! Now send money. How does this work?

February 22, 2007 at 5:15:00 PM EST  
Anonymous dave said...

Well, I just put some cash in the mail labeled "for [redacted]" so I guess you should label my team pizza shirt "for dave" and put it in the mailbox.

February 22, 2007 at 5:34:00 PM EST  
Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Pizza and Lent...hmmm..

February 22, 2007 at 6:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

I'm going to have to go Camp Pizza on this one.

You can add way more vegetables to the pie than you can the burger. So much easier to be faux healthy.

February 22, 2007 at 7:29:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

So i didnt get it - what was the idea?

February 22, 2007 at 8:36:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

its all about the bloody hamburger. so says I. i am lactose intolerant so it's not so much a preference as a life choice...unless i want to have diarrhea for the rest of my life.

February 22, 2007 at 9:44:00 PM EST  
Blogger Airam said...

Pizza ... all the way.

February 22, 2007 at 10:10:00 PM EST  
Blogger The Accidental Bitch said...

I don't know if you'll actually make money from this idea, but it was a VERY entertaining post.

I know: blog for money!

February 23, 2007 at 12:39:00 AM EST  
Blogger Some Chick said...

Great, thanks alot!
I can't read your blog late at night anymore b/c now I want a burger topped w/ a pizza and a cold beer to wash that down with. Yummmmmmmmmm!
I'm going to need fat camp.

February 23, 2007 at 2:00:00 AM EST  
Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Cheeseburger Pizza.

(What? I don't want to fight, I'm a wuss.)

February 23, 2007 at 3:52:00 AM EST  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

This is like putting beer against liqour. Its not fair because I can't live without either. They all are the reason I live life. How do you choose when you love them both?

February 23, 2007 at 11:51:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jay said...

You turned down the people that applied? I kept considering applying...

February 23, 2007 at 3:07:00 PM EST  
Anonymous liz said...

I believe you head to Cafe Press and design some shirts. Then you send a "Camp Pizza" shirt to Pat Bertoletti, the competitive eater who holds the pizza record, and a "Camp Hamburger" shirt to Kobayashi, who holds the Krystal burger record. The advertising will take care of itself!

February 23, 2007 at 4:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger jenniti said...

I have to say, I'm not a huge fan of pizza or hamburgers. Both are good at times, but I could live without either fairly easily.

The challenge would be if you made me choose between candy and chocolate!

February 23, 2007 at 6:33:00 PM EST  
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February 25, 2007 at 5:48:00 PM EST  
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May 1, 2009 at 11:29:00 PM EDT  

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