Friday, February 2, 2007

Q&A Friday!

Welcome to the first [redacted] Q&A Friday. Every week I plan on fielding questions readers have sent in over the course of the previous week. If I haven’t answered your question this time around, don’t worry. There is enough sarcastic, irresponsive nonsense to go around. I plan on getting to them all. So keep on sending in your questions, and I’ll keep on not helping you – one answer at a time.

I think I've forgotten how to give a good blow-job. That, or my boyfriend is unlike any man on earth, and doesn't enjoy them. Can you tell me what you think constitutes a really great blow-job?

Thanks,
S

For this question I assembled a panel of men (my friends) and took an informal survey of their opinions on the matter. After about 20 minutes of “Give me her email address, it’s more something you need to show” jokes, these were the findings:

100% of men polled answered “when she puts her mouth on my penis.” 90% added “or nearby.” Half the group included “when she looks at it, acknowledges it or says the word ‘blow job’ whether directed at me or if it is overheard in a crowd.”

So really, as long as you have the fundamentals down, and your jaw isn’t wired shut, it isn’t so much a question of what you are doing wrong as what’s wrong with your boyfriend? And the answer is everything. No, I’m just kidding. I mean, he’s alive, right? . . . Right?

Another Practical Suggestion: Don’t be ugly.

In David Foster Wallace's novel "Infinite Jest", Joelle the "Prettiest Girl of All Time" (PGOAT) wears a veil because she is supposedly hideously deformed. How can she be the PGOAT if she is hideously deformed? Do you feel that she really is deformed or is she so pretty that she's considered deformed?

Amanda

While I’ve never read anything by David Foster Wallace, probably because his name makes him sound like a boring turn of the century master of pedantic prose, I do know a thing or two about a little thing called irony.

Wikipedia defines irony as a literary or rhetorical device in which there is a gap or incongruity between what a speaker or a writer says, and what is generally understood (either at the time, or in the later context of history).” Ironically, I had no idea that’s what irony really meant.

Before I start learning something I really don’t care about, let’s instead turn this discussion to something I am actually familiar with – television.

In a particularly memorable episode of “The Twilight Zone” entitled “Eye of the Beholder,” a woman is seen lying in a hospital bed with her face wrapped completely in bandages. We learn that she has just undergone the latest of numerous surgeries attempting to repair her ugliness. Throughout the episode, we never see the faces of the nurses or doctors working on the woman. Finally, after the woman begs and pleads to have the bandages taken off early, the doctor does so and sadly informs her that the surgery was unsuccessful. However when we see the woman’s unbandaged face, we see that she is actually very beautiful. Then, we finally see the faces of everyone else in the room, and they are hideously deformed. This (I think . . .) is ironic.

So my answer to your questions is: IT DOESN’T MATTER. Pretty, deformed, veiled at the shame of being different in a world where the notion of physical beauty is nothing but a metaphor for sameness and lack of individuality – it just doesn’t matter. As long as she can give a proper blow job.

I was wondering if I am a lesbian because I always like to think of tits and ass (of the female variety) when I am pleasuring myself. I am married (to a man) and love him, and love jumping his bones.

Confused Canuck

Good news, you’re not a lesbian! Bad news, you’re about two years late on the bisexual trend. Then again, in Canada you might be right on time. Have you guys gotten “Saved By The Bell: The College Years” yet? Haha, Canada is so far away!

So let's just say that you were dating someone for a couple of months and then you broke up. A couple of days after the break up the guy you were dating sends you an email saying that he never felt anything for you, and that he is as happy as a pig in shit to be single. Now, what would be the proper response?


a) Terrifying him with the prospect that he might have an STD, for example: "Enjoy the chlamydia, assface."


b) Terrifying him with the prospect that he might have an STD, but keep it a mystery, for example: "Um, there's really no good way to say this, but you should probably get your junk checked out."


c) Just be honest about your feelings about him, for example: "You are 27 years old and you have a sexual dysfunction. Not being able to come from sex makes you less than a man."

What do you think?

Krista

You seem like a nice girl, Krista.

First, let’s rule out option c., because I like to keep honesty as a last resort as often as possible. so if we’re choosing between a. and b., there’s really no contest. First, the battery of tests necessary to check for every sexually transmitted disease must be worse than having to just check for one (I wouldn’t know, I am immune to them all). And second, with option b. you are adding the element of fear of the unknown, which, as anyone who is dying will tell you, can be paralyzing.

In fact, this exact situation happened to me once back in college. I broke up with a girl and the next day she left a long message on my cell phone about how she gave me an STD. I ignored her, because I am a white, middle class male, so these things don’t happen to me. Luckily it turns out I didn’t have an STD at all. This was back in 2000 when cell phones still had spotty reception, so it was all a big misunderstanding. What she really said was that she “detested me.” I was so relieved.

Anyway, this isn’t about people hating me, it’s about people hating you. So of your options, I say go with b. However, if I had to throw one more scenario in the mix, it would be this: Go out and get pregnant ASAP. Then tell him it is his. Because while some penicillin may take care of the clap, there’s no medicine for a lifetime of supporting a child who isn’t even yours.

(Think you’ve got what it takes to have a question? Email me at redactedblog@gmail.com)

25 Comments:

Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

If I ever have to break-up with my BF, I'm totally going to Krista for the ulitmate "you're a complete ass" slam email.

February 2, 2007 at 2:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

I was about to make a call for my boss when I saw you had updated. I immediately dropped the phone and got back to what they pay me for: reading your blog.

That being said, I wish multiple orgasms were as easy to come (zing) by as multiple laughs. Thanks, Dan.

February 2, 2007 at 3:02:00 PM EST  
Blogger bob said...

Ugh, I can't believe you just mentioned "boss" and "orgasm" in the same sentence.
In my life that is the most incongruous, incompatible and revolting nexus conceivable.

Next time try "boss" and "inferno of misery known as my job."

See how it just slides off the tongue.

Shit, did I just say tongue...

February 2, 2007 at 3:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

Bob, please note that the word "boss" and the word "orgasm" are not only used in different sentences, but are 5 lines apart.

February 2, 2007 at 3:28:00 PM EST  
Anonymous dave said...

But Bob did use "shit" and "tongue" in the same sentence. So there's that.

February 2, 2007 at 3:39:00 PM EST  
Blogger scott said...

I hate to be Mr. Supersensitive (since that is the name of a local condom sales mascot), but I have a pet peeve that was tickled (and a metaphor that was mixed) by this post.

In the past few years it has become common to use the insult "assface." Some of us, due to drug use by our mothers while pregnant, actually have an ass where our face is supposed to be. That's okay. I'm fine with me. I like me.

What I object to is that people seem to universally use the term "assface" as a derisive term. No one ever uses it as a term of endearment. No one ever says, "You're awesome. You're a real assface" or "I love you, my little assface."

How would you feel if people started to use the term "assbutt" as an insult? "Man, that jerk was a real assbutt!" It doesn't feel very good, does it? It hurts, doesn't it? Well, now you know how I feel.

Anyway, I won't go on and on about it. I just wanted to get the issue out there. If you've learned something from this, I appreciate your attitude. If not, you can kiss my face.

Hello, Dan.

February 2, 2007 at 3:44:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

Dave, you can play on my team.

Read in whatever innuendo you want.

February 2, 2007 at 4:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger A. Dubz said...

Friday just got THAT much better. Huzzah.

February 2, 2007 at 4:50:00 PM EST  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Great Q and A! You're on top of your game.

I would write you for advice, but the fact is I know everything about sex.

Well, maybe I will write, but just to, you know, test you. That's all . . .

February 2, 2007 at 6:16:00 PM EST  
Blogger LSL said...

This was damn, damn funny.

February 2, 2007 at 7:05:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan

You made my day! Laughed out loud twice.

Also - Canadienne - don't worry about the T&A fantasies. Very common.

Dan - answer my question! It's the one about putting a finger in my BF's butt.

February 2, 2007 at 7:22:00 PM EST  
Blogger tammy said...

Wow. I do believe I'm blushing.

February 2, 2007 at 8:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

I might add to Krista to combine your suggestions of the pregnancy AND the unknown junk check.. and pay some little kid to slash his tires.. couldn't hurt.

February 2, 2007 at 8:49:00 PM EST  
Blogger Tamara! said...

Ahh yes. I agree with the poster above me. Tell Krista to slash his tires. It's the way to go. How I long to be strong enough to do something so terribly badass. I tried once in high school (i mean, it was an old beat up car and my dad tried to show me- I was no delinquent.) When I tried to plunge the knife into the tire, my hand ricocheted and I ended up punching myself in the face. Yeah, it was pretty hot.

February 2, 2007 at 11:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger C.R. III said...

RE: "Confused in Canada"
Yeah, you're confused! Confused about which side of the border KICKS THE MOST ASS!!! So who really cares whether you like dudes or chicks or chicks with dicks? You still live in Canada!

I, of course, am totally joking. Trying out irony, you know.

Speaking of "Saved by the Bell" and sex, I heard about a Dustin Diamond (aka "Screech") sex tape out there.

Please, someone, tell me this is not true. I beg of you.

February 2, 2007 at 11:23:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

c.r.iii, I have actually seen the Screech sex tape. It manages to be boring, horrifying, and creepy, all at the same time.

February 3, 2007 at 11:42:00 AM EST  
Blogger EmmaK said...

Very amusing...but makes me wonder if God was having a laugh when he invented the female genitals. I mean, yes, as you say, men are satisfied with any type of blow job as long as it is essentially a blow job. Whereas men who can successfully perform oral sex on a woman are...after a rough poll on my friends...maybe only 10% excel at it.

February 3, 2007 at 1:00:00 PM EST  
Blogger Ki Two said...

I'm glad the Canuck specified that she liked female tits. A male tit likeness would be a bit hard to swallow...(zing?)

February 3, 2007 at 11:34:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I am in love with this blog.

My dh laughed at me when I ask if my bj's were good enough. And I don't mean a chuckle, either.

As for that Twilight Zone episode (one of my faves) am I the only one who thinks this new HORRID plastic surgery/collagen stuff is making all the women look like the 'good-looking' people from that episode? How much collagen does it take, people??? HOW can you think that looks good?

Leonesse

OMG.. my word verification letter are STDNX. ...lol.

February 4, 2007 at 12:03:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh man! i think me and krista just finished dating the same guy! But this was a great blog.

February 4, 2007 at 12:22:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jenni said...

A man who doesn't appreciate a good blow job?

Seriously?

Call Brian Jennings...I think we've stumbled across something newsworthy.

February 4, 2007 at 1:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger julia said...

Congratulations on finding your calling, assface!


Hee.

February 4, 2007 at 7:36:00 PM EST  
Blogger Gaijinity said...

And here was I thinking irony was like rain on my wedding day. Or 10,000 spoons when all I need is a knife. To kill myself with upon learning that my command of the English language is marginally less than acceptable for an english teacher, except in Japan. Where I am, luckily. That whole song always sounded more Inconvenient than Ironic.

February 4, 2007 at 10:46:00 PM EST  
Anonymous PrettyEnoughIGuess said...

OK. So it was I who wrote in about giving a blowjob. Thanks so much for answering the question. I'm pretty sure I'm not ugly, so I'm OK on that point. And, yes, thankfully, he is a living breathing male. I think the problem really is his and not mine. I think I'm pretty good at it, in fact. I would go into a detailed description of exactly what I do, but perhaps that's not appropriate here and now (I'm at work). I've been so concerned about this though that I've read like three books on the art of giving head. Sheesh.

February 5, 2007 at 4:57:00 PM EST  
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