Friday, February 9, 2007

Q&A Friday!

Some may call it insensitive to go on with Q&A Friday in the wake of Anna Nicole Smith’s untimely death. But I assure you, Anna Nicole would have wanted it this way. Indeed, what better tribute to a life so full of questions than to continue to provide answers. My only regret is that I couldn’t have used my wisdom to help Anna Nicole. Also that I didn’t invest in oil futures in the mid 90’s. Then I would be able to write this post without being interrupted every five minutes by emails from my co-workers saying that they can’t work today because it’s too soon after Anna Nicole Smith’s death. What a lame joke.

What is your advice for the following situation: My friend, a 34-year-old married, professional, 5'10", 160 pound, active male has been contacted by a 14-year-old girl via the 'Internet' who wants to have her 'first experience' with him (her words, via him, of course). What should he do? Obviously, a 14-year-old is in a stage where rejection by a successful, attractive male could have devastating, lifelong consequences. Should he agree to meet her in a nearby park in order to tell her in person that she's beautiful and special and will someday find someone who is appropriate for her? I'm thinking after dark so as not to attract too much attention by people who don't understand what it's like to be a soft, androgynously proportioned pre-teen who smells like momma's talcum drawer.

Thanks for any advice.


This is why the ‘Internet’ is so often referred to as “the land of opportunity.” One minute you’re being pre-approved for a mortgage to buy a house for your beautiful wife, and then BAM you’re getting emails from virgins. But as the saying goes, when God closes a door, he opens a window. Unfortunately this window has all these metal bars on it, and none of the guys here seem to like you very much, even though you are so active.

The irony of the whole thing though is that the 14-year old girl is probably really a 40-year old man! Just like the 40-year old man who would rape him in prison! And when he sets up a meeting with this girl, and she turns out to be this 40-year old man, and this 40-year old man, being the angry type, starts raping him, he’ll be thinking, “How doubly ironic – I’m only here because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings! And this really hurts!”
If your dick was soft and you pulled really hard, could you tie it in a knot?

Wondering in Texas

This is a really tough question, primarily because there are so many different types of knots. See the figure below.

Due to my lack of ability to tie anything other than my shoes, I went to a group of professionals who know knots inside and out: Sailors. And while many told me that it is entirely possible using a half-hitch, most replied, “Can you believe how dandy I look in my uniform? Wheee!”
(Due to my busy schedule of recovering from a night of drinking, I sent the next two questions to Brooke to answer. Don’t worry, she’s just as smart as me, even though everyone calls her “the pretty one.”)

How soon into the dating relationship should people in their 20's expect to start having sex? is there an amount of time that is too soon, or too late?

First, let me start out by saying that I personally believe that sex is a serious commitment and that you should wait until marriage. (Shout out to [Redacted Mother].) But if I was the type to do it (which I'm not), here would be my advice:

Do what you want. Sex is awesome (one of my slutty friends told me). And luckily, thanks to condoms and abortion birth control, you can do it as much as you want with no consequences. Score.

So if you're not invested in the relationship, sleep with the guy the first date if you want. Blow him in the bathroom of that cute Italian restaurant. Why not? If he doesn't call the next day, you won't care. (That's not to say that if you do sleep with a guy on the first date, he won't call – that's a myth perpetrated by ugly women.) What I am saying is that if you take the plunge quickly, make sure you could go to brunch the next day, swig a Bloody Mary, and diagram his penis for your friends, all without checking your cell to see if he's called.

Now, if you care about the guy, wait. Because sex is wrong? No. Because it ups the ante and gives the relationship (and the sex) the significance it deserves. A good rule of thumb: Wait until you could have sex, spend the night, and happily wake up next to him the next morning. Or at the very least, till you could comfortably say, "Yeah, fuck me, fuck me*" without blushing.

*Girls who would talk like that are filthy whores.

Have you ever met a man that complains that his partner never takes time for foreplay?

Good luck and cheers!

Why should you never stand under a tree if it's thundering and lightning outside?


I did a little research, and here’s what I found out:

Lightning is awesome. Like, seriously. So fucking cool. If I had a nickname, I would want it to be Dan “Lightning” Murphy, because lightning is six time hotter than the sun.

Anyway, the short answer to your question is simple: Because you shouldn’t be outside in a thunder and lightning storm, and trees are outside. The long answer, however, is a little more complicated.

You see, lightning doesn’t just come down from the sky and hit the ground. In fact, in the few milliseconds that the bolt appears in the sky, a complicated process of conduction is taking place wherein the charge comes both down from the sky and up from the ground.

Think of a bolt of lightning as two lovers acting out a romantic scene in a movie where they are reunited after a long time apart. They are on a busy street in Paris and suddenly spot each other through the crowd. The man begins to run through the crowd towards her. He is acting as a “leader” which is a negative discharge that jumps down from the sky looking for a positive discharge from the ground to connect with. The woman represents the negative discharge, but because women are lazy she just stands there for the time being waiting for the man to reach her. As he makes his way through the crowd, he shuffles past many other women, but does not connect with them, because the attraction is so strong from this particular woman (who has probably slept with him already). Finally, when he is closing in on her, she rushes forward to greet him, as though she were making a grand gesture when really she has only moved a few feet. She is a “positive streamer,” and when they finally embrace the circuit is closed and the electricity begins to flow.

So, in this scenario a big huge oak is like the slut. The lightning is attracted to the tree because it is easy. And if you are standing next to the tree, you may absorb a good amount of the electricity that is pumped into the ground. Much like if you were standing too close to the couple as they did it on the street.
Can guys really piss their name in the snow? And if so is it a big deal? (I'm a girl/woman and kind of wish I could do it. ) *blushes*


Yes, we can. They even say that, given enough time and snow, a group of men could eventually pee out Hamlet.

But the important thing to remember is that we can do it and you can’t. You got the vote and the property and your high-paying jobs, but you’ll never be able to etch into a clean sheet of snow “DAN WUZ HFR.” Never.

(Think you’ve got what it takes to have a question? Email me at


Blogger Miss Nines said...

Smart AND pretty AND a virgin? SCORE!

Or not, as the case may be.

February 9, 2007 at 3:21:00 PM EST  
Blogger The Letter D said...

Hands down, the funniest post I've read in awhile.

It's good to have you back.

February 9, 2007 at 3:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger nyeK said...

That lightning analogy was pure genius. Especially because trees really are easy.

February 9, 2007 at 3:39:00 PM EST  
Blogger bob said...

Thanks for making procastination more important than whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing.

Lightning, pee and virgins used to only be together in Zeus's bedroom (he was a total freak), now they're together again at last, thanks to your blog.

February 9, 2007 at 3:47:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Sounds like you have a firecracker on your hands Dan. She's a keeper.

February 9, 2007 at 4:31:00 PM EST  
Anonymous A Co-Worker said...

I'm a bit slow this week and just now catching up on redacted blog. So, to make sure my comment about a post from 3 days ago is read and that someone maybe responds to it I'm going to post it here. Plus, it's a quesion, which is what Fridays on the redacted are all about... in re: the post about not having ID when Dan went to get chocolate milk...

An excerpt:

Me: “I was already in the building. I never left.”

Guard: “I don’t know that you were already in the building. I can’t watch everyone who comes through that door.”


I'm sorry, awhaaat? Isn't it this guy's JOB to watch everyone who comes through the door? Is anyone not as concerned/ aware/ humored by this as I am? I'm flabberbaffled.

WWIDIIWAT (What Would I Do If I Were A Terrorist) ...

February 9, 2007 at 4:40:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Calling it a negative discharge makes it sound so... nasty.

February 9, 2007 at 5:54:00 PM EST  
Blogger Deezee said...

you're just too funny......

February 9, 2007 at 10:35:00 PM EST  
Blogger Texas Cinderella said...

You guys are made for each other! Does Brooke have a blog by any chance? I'd like to double my hilarious reading factor....

February 12, 2007 at 7:15:00 AM EST  
Blogger Dwight said...

heh heh, heh heh ... he said "negative discharge."

February 15, 2007 at 2:28:00 PM EST  

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