Even though I cry at romantic movies, I’m not a big fan of e-cards. I mean, you have to REGISTER and SIGN IN and TYPE THINGS and rarely are emotions worth all that. However I will admit that there are certain times when an animated panda can say things that my heart cannot.
But never did I think that sending an e-card would turn into an act of global defiance. Before Care2 would let me send my dancing panda card, this screen came up:
Normally I send e-cards because I feel guilty, not in order to feel guilty. Unfortunately, I was in a rush. So I didn’t sign it. Now I feel guilty. I’ll send them an e-card.
On to the questions.
My favorite position is doggy-style, and most of the men I've dated have been really pleased by that fact and it has always worked really well...ahm...mechanically. The current boyfriend seems to have trouble with this position: he can't seem to get a rhythm or for that matter a real grip (I don't know if grip is the right word). Is there something I can do to improve this without letting him know I don't think he's great in this particular area?
All the best,
How weird, a sex question!
First of all, no, “grip” is not the right word. I would have gone with “handle.” Grip is what villains do in movies when they clutch heroes by their throats. Then again, I don’t know what you’re into in bed.
Here’s my suggestion: Sign up for dance lessons. Tell your boyfriend that when the two of you get married, you don’t want him dancing like a white guy. (You’re white, right?) The fear of marriage and the racial insult will distract him from the fact that the real problem is his performance in bed. Then the dance lessons will teach him the rhythm he lacks, plus how to handle your body.
A less time-consuming and expensive option is to scream, “No, fuck me like this!” and show him what you want. If he still can’t perform after all that, just break up with him. Because seriously, this is like Banging 101. Maybe he’s just not college material.
Hey Dan -
Here's our issue: Our next door neighbors, who we know just a little (basically their names, what they do for a living, and that their barky assed dogs are called Tiffany and Abby) have been asking us for a weird favor and we don't know what to do about it. They have a preteen son who is occasionally left home alone when school is cancelled. Our neighbors are super paranoid about anyone being in their house. The kid is not allowed to have anyone in the house EVER. So every time he's left home alone, they call us and ask that we keep an "eye" on things, and to call them immediately if there's any suspicious behavior. So of course school was out last week and the Dad calls to make his request. Turns out that the kid had at least five car loads of people over. I kind of minimized it when his Dad called for his report and said something like "there were a couple of strange cars in front of your house (really in the driveway) but I didn't see anyone go inside (really I saw them coming out the door).
Question: Should I tell the Dad that I don't want to be his rat anymore? I don't want bad blood between us, but I'm not comfortable either. I'm also afraid the kid is going to find out that it's me and my tires are going to get slashed or something. Or should I keep covering for the kid? Any other ideas?
I don’t have any proof, but I suspect that my parents did the same thing when I was growing up. Parents can be tricky. One time they left for a New Years Eve party and just as I was bringing out the beer they came back because they “forgot their tickets.” WHO NEEDS TICKETS FOR A PARTY? Sneaky adults . . .
Anyway, my gut tells me that you shouldn’t be “working” for this kid’s parents. First of all, work should include pay. And gratitude is not pay. Second, though it may take a village to raise a child, who cares if it’s not your child? If I were home on a Saturday night with my girlfriend watching The Notebook and I had to get up every time I heard a car door slam to see if it was someone going into my neighbor’s house . . . well I just wouldn’t. I don’t even get up to get myself more beer, I just wait for my girlfriend to use the bathroom and then as she’s walking back to the couch I say, “Hey honey, grab me a beer while you’re up?” I think I’m getting off topic.
What you need to do is get yourself out of this situation with the least amount of culpability, i.e. get them to “fire” you – just like if you wanted to quit your job but still wanted to collect unemployment. The best way to do this is to mess up. The next time they go out and a car pulls up to their house, call the cops. Report a burglary. When your neighbors are interrupted during their fancy meal to rush home because their house is being robbed, likely they will say something to you like, “What the hell happened!” to which you should reply, “You told me to watch the house! That car looked suspicious!” Continue this process until they get the hint. This is an alternate form of “killing someone with kindness.” Or you could actually kill them.
1. If you were a squirrel in outer space, and you farted would someone looking at you be able to see it, and would it propel you forwards in a zero gravity atmosphere?
2. How long can you hold a towel up with your penis?
Thanks for your time!
I get this question all the time.
Air propulsion is a tricky thing, mostly because I know nothing about it. But consider this: How cute would a squirrel look in a little space suit! With a little helmet and a little oxygen tank! And then he would try to eat his nuts, but he would forget to lift up his little face shield so he would bang it against the glass. That would be so cute!
It depends on the towel. I’m pretty sure I could hold up a hand cloth for at least a year. But one of those heavy spun Egyptian Cotton bath towels? Maybe only 9 months.
Is it better to surround yourself with people that are better than you, or worse off than you?
Take for example the adage; in the land of blind men, the one-eyed man is king. Similarly, Garfield once said of Odie, "If you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider." But on the other hand, Newton (or was it Merton?) once said, "if I have seen farther it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."
Should we surround ourselves with giants in order to see farther? Or would we see just as far if we were surrounded by really short people who we could see over?
I ask because a friend is considering moving to the edge of a meth-fueled trailer park and we are trying to decide if it makes him white-trash by association, or classy by comparison.
As with most questions in life, there is no real answer here. But let’s bring it back to me:
When I was in college I dated a girl who was, my friends later advised me, trash. Looking back, I guess that was the real reason that I felt so confident when I was with her. It lends a nice dynamic to a relationship when you can fall asleep every night knowing you are better than the other person.
On the flip side, I had to get my first STD test because of her. So there a plusses and there are negatives.
Multiply this scenario by 1000 and you have your friend’s current situation. There are literally hundreds of STD tests waiting to happen, right outside your front door. Would it be nice to walk outside your trailer door every morning, stretch, brush the hypodermic needles off your makeshift porch and pick up your newspaper like a king overlooking his land? It sure would. But science proves it’s only a matter of time before you join everyone else for Friday Night Animal Torching. That’s how all great empires fall – when their king is mistaken for a stray dog by a raging methhead.
(Think you’ve got what it takes to have a question? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org)