Friday, February 23, 2007

Q&A Friday!

Even though I cry at romantic movies, I’m not a big fan of e-cards. I mean, you have to REGISTER and SIGN IN and TYPE THINGS and rarely are emotions worth all that. However I will admit that there are certain times when an animated panda can say things that my heart cannot.

But never did I think that sending an e-card would turn into an act of global defiance. Before Care2 would let me send my dancing panda card, this screen came up:

Normally I send e-cards because I feel guilty, not in order to feel guilty. Unfortunately, I was in a rush. So I didn’t sign it. Now I feel guilty. I’ll send them an e-card.

On to the questions.

My favorite position is doggy-style, and most of the men I've dated have been really pleased by that fact and it has always worked really well...ahm...mechanically. The current boyfriend seems to have trouble with this position: he can't seem to get a rhythm or for that matter a real grip (I don't know if grip is the right word). Is there something I can do to improve this without letting him know I don't think he's great in this particular area?

All the best,

How weird, a sex question!

First of all, no, “grip” is not the right word. I would have gone with “handle.” Grip is what villains do in movies when they clutch heroes by their throats. Then again, I don’t know what you’re into in bed.

Here’s my suggestion: Sign up for dance lessons. Tell your boyfriend that when the two of you get married, you don’t want him dancing like a white guy. (You’re white, right?) The fear of marriage and the racial insult will distract him from the fact that the real problem is his performance in bed. Then the dance lessons will teach him the rhythm he lacks, plus how to handle your body.

A less time-consuming and expensive option is to scream, “No, fuck me like this!” and show him what you want. If he still can’t perform after all that, just break up with him. Because seriously, this is like Banging 101. Maybe he’s just not college material.
Hey Dan -

Here's our issue: Our next door neighbors, who we know just a little (basically their names, what they do for a living, and that their barky assed dogs are called Tiffany and Abby) have been asking us for a weird favor and we don't know what to do about it. They have a preteen son who is occasionally left home alone when school is cancelled. Our neighbors are super paranoid about anyone being in their house. The kid is not allowed to have anyone in the house EVER. So every time he's left home alone, they call us and ask that we keep an "eye" on things, and to call them immediately if there's any suspicious behavior. So of course school was out last week and the Dad calls to make his request. Turns out that the kid had at least five car loads of people over. I kind of minimized it when his Dad called for his report and said something like "there were a couple of strange cars in front of your house (really in the driveway) but I didn't see anyone go inside (really I saw them coming out the door).

Question: Should I tell the Dad that I don't want to be his rat anymore? I don't want bad blood between us, but I'm not comfortable either. I'm also afraid the kid is going to find out that it's me and my tires are going to get slashed or something. Or should I keep covering for the kid? Any other ideas?

Thanks Dan!

I don’t have any proof, but I suspect that my parents did the same thing when I was growing up. Parents can be tricky. One time they left for a New Years Eve party and just as I was bringing out the beer they came back because they “forgot their tickets.” WHO NEEDS TICKETS FOR A PARTY? Sneaky adults . . .

Anyway, my gut tells me that you shouldn’t be “working” for this kid’s parents. First of all, work should include pay. And gratitude is not pay. Second, though it may take a village to raise a child, who cares if it’s not your child? If I were home on a Saturday night with my girlfriend watching The Notebook and I had to get up every time I heard a car door slam to see if it was someone going into my neighbor’s house . . . well I just wouldn’t. I don’t even get up to get myself more beer, I just wait for my girlfriend to use the bathroom and then as she’s walking back to the couch I say, “Hey honey, grab me a beer while you’re up?” I think I’m getting off topic.

What you need to do is get yourself out of this situation with the least amount of culpability, i.e. get them to “fire” you – just like if you wanted to quit your job but still wanted to collect unemployment. The best way to do this is to mess up. The next time they go out and a car pulls up to their house, call the cops. Report a burglary. When your neighbors are interrupted during their fancy meal to rush home because their house is being robbed, likely they will say something to you like, “What the hell happened!” to which you should reply, “You told me to watch the house! That car looked suspicious!” Continue this process until they get the hint. This is an alternate form of “killing someone with kindness.” Or you could actually kill them.
1. If you were a squirrel in outer space, and you farted would someone looking at you be able to see it, and would it propel you forwards in a zero gravity atmosphere?

2. How long can you hold a towel up with your penis?

Thanks for your time!

I get this question all the time.

Air propulsion is a tricky thing, mostly because I know nothing about it. But consider this: How cute would a squirrel look in a little space suit! With a little helmet and a little oxygen tank! And then he would try to eat his nuts, but he would forget to lift up his little face shield so he would bang it against the glass. That would be so cute!

It depends on the towel. I’m pretty sure I could hold up a hand cloth for at least a year. But one of those heavy spun Egyptian Cotton bath towels? Maybe only 9 months.
Is it better to surround yourself with people that are better than you, or worse off than you?

Take for example the adage; in the land of blind men, the one-eyed man is king. Similarly, Garfield once said of Odie, "If you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider." But on the other hand, Newton (or was it Merton?) once said, "if I have seen farther it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."

Should we surround ourselves with giants in order to see farther? Or would we see just as far if we were surrounded by really short people who we could see over?

I ask because a friend is considering moving to the edge of a meth-fueled trailer park and we are trying to decide if it makes him white-trash by association, or classy by comparison.


As with most questions in life, there is no real answer here. But let’s bring it back to me:

When I was in college I dated a girl who was, my friends later advised me, trash. Looking back, I guess that was the real reason that I felt so confident when I was with her. It lends a nice dynamic to a relationship when you can fall asleep every night knowing you are better than the other person.

On the flip side, I had to get my first STD test because of her. So there a plusses and there are negatives.

Multiply this scenario by 1000 and you have your friend’s current situation. There are literally hundreds of STD tests waiting to happen, right outside your front door. Would it be nice to walk outside your trailer door every morning, stretch, brush the hypodermic needles off your makeshift porch and pick up your newspaper like a king overlooking his land? It sure would. But science proves it’s only a matter of time before you join everyone else for Friday Night Animal Torching. That’s how all great empires fall – when their king is mistaken for a stray dog by a raging methhead.

(Think you’ve got what it takes to have a question? Email me at


Anonymous prettyenoughiguess said...

Hhhhm. Dance lessons seem like too much work as well as kind of frightening. I guess I'll just shout at him in bed.

February 23, 2007 at 2:46:00 PM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

I can hardly stop giggling in order to type!
Not College material! I haven't heard that in awhile. Anyway, another suggestion, Pop in a rhythmic CD and tell your guy to do it to the beat..... or maybe you could tap it out on the pillow for him.

February 23, 2007 at 2:49:00 PM EST  
Blogger Caitiedid said...

You should get a coxswain from the local crew team to sit at the foot of the bed with a megaphone and yell "STROKE! STROKE! STROKE!..."

February 23, 2007 at 3:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger MaryAnne said...

Dan, I think you are my first internet crush.

Oh, and I am neither a 44 year old man, nor a 12 year old girl...

February 23, 2007 at 3:11:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

I had a boyfriend who claimed to be bad at every position except female on top.

I dumped him. I suggest you do the same.

February 23, 2007 at 3:39:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought it read, Animal Touching Night at the trailer park......

February 23, 2007 at 4:07:00 PM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

OMG, A-1, I thought the same thing, and had to go re-read! See how twisted you've made us Dan?!

February 23, 2007 at 4:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger Green said...

Try for free e-cards. They don't require you to sign up OR log in.

February 23, 2007 at 5:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger ahiro said...

You should have him buy the glove-versions of those "totes" slipper-socks that have the grippies on the bottoms. That way he'll be able to "get a grip." You should also make him wear the totes socks - for purely aesthetic reasons.

February 23, 2007 at 5:58:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

I think my favorite one was the squirrel I really got into imagining that cute little space squirrel...It reminded me of Ice Age and the squirrel in that movie - it could never get its nuts....

February 24, 2007 at 1:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger The Accidental Bitch said...

Oh my goodness, you are so fricking hilarious. Thank you. So much.

February 24, 2007 at 2:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jenni said...

Great advice, you put Dear Abby to shame...Wait...isn't she dead?

Well, how about Delilah from that sappy radio show? If you were in a duel with her you would definately kick her ass.

P.S. I think you should post a picture of the whole washcloth, penis thing...I'm just sayin...

February 24, 2007 at 4:24:00 PM EST  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I question a girl who's favorite position is "doggy." I mean, it's not the most intimate of positions, but then again, maybe she's my kind of gal. Well, if I were her dude, I'd pay close attention to Ron Jeremy to get my groove down.

February 24, 2007 at 4:43:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

Dr Kenneth SMith, I like that postition more too - but my secret is that I do that to get it over with quicker hahahah You guys are suckers!


February 24, 2007 at 5:04:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

my bad noisewater hahah I am dislexic today

February 24, 2007 at 5:05:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan sweetie not only white people read your blog. Did you just assume they were white because they had no rhythm in bed or because you assume that everyone is white? You are actually funny enough to reach other races!

We love you in the black community :-).

February 25, 2007 at 8:39:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

See, the problem is that in the standard girl on all fours guy kneeling behind her the girl is too high and the angle is all wrong. I've fucked girls that are 5-6 inches shorter than me and it's still seems like their ass, and thus their hoo-ha, is too high (Are my femurs unusally short? Maybe). The girl's gotta move her knees much farther apart than most nice girls like to, it's a little too porny for them. Once you get the height problem fixed, the rhythm and angle takes care of itself. Consult my weekly syndicated sex column, "Spank me like you mean it, bitch!"

February 25, 2007 at 1:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger bob said...

If you're fired for incompentency in the workplace (ie: messing up a lot) you are not entitled to unemployment benefits.

You may or may not get a severance package but that is usually reserved for people who, at the time of their hire, are considered very important and valuable and thus are given this clause in their contract as an incentive.

People who have enough time to peruse this blog (and offer comments) during the workday probably are NOT eleigible for a severance package.

February 26, 2007 at 10:03:00 AM EST  
Blogger lakshmy said...

dear dan,

marry me.

February 28, 2007 at 11:17:00 PM EST  

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