Thursday, February 8, 2007

Still No Explanation For Beermuffs, Though

beer goggles formula

In a news story so huge that it took two months to make it to America my blog, is reporting the following incredible findings. Remember to read it in a British accent so it sounds smarter:

Scientists believe they have worked out a formula to calculate how "beer goggles" affect a drinker's vision.1

The drink-fuelled phenomenon is said to transform supposedly "ugly" people into beauties - until the morning after.2

Researchers at Manchester University say while beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder, the amount of alcohol consumed is not the only factor. Additional factors include the level of light in the pub or club3, the drinker's own eyesight and the room's smokiness.

In order to test the formula’s accuracy, I took a random instance of beer goggle-induced eroticism from my past and plugged it into the equation. Then, halfway through the arduous computation, I realized that I was doing math to remember a time when I took an ugly girl home. That’s like burning money to set fire to your house. So I stopped. But it did bring back this precious memory from college.

My friends and I were at the local underage bar, drinking flaming Dr. Pepper shots and looking for girls. My friend Matt points to a girl across the room and says, “Who’s that? She’s cute.”

I reply, “Dude, you don’t want to talk to her.”

“Why not?”

“She’s retarded.”

“No she’s not.”

“Yes, she is. I just walked past her before and she was talking in that voice.”

“What voice?”

“You know, the retarded voice.”

(awkward pause)

“I don’t buy it. I’m going to go talk to her.”

We all watch as Matt approaches the girl and strikes up a conversation. Five minutes later he returns.


“She’s not retarded. She’s British.”

1 Really? We had to bring science into this? Using science to explain beer goggles is like using science to explain why you got fired for snorting coke off your desk, or why people don’t like it when you throw garbage at them. “But I just don’t understand it! Why shouldn’t I throw garbage at people? Maybe science can help.”

2 It’s not magic. It’s not like Cinderella where if everyone around you gets hammered enough you turn into a princess with a gown and a tiara. Objectively, you are still ugly. People have simply lowered their standards.

3 I never tried in science class because I never thought I would use it in the real world. If I had known that saying, “Women look more attractive when you can barely make out their faces in the dark” qualified as a scientific breakthrough, I would have paid more attention.

(Thanks to reader “Meow” for sending me the article. Though she is obviously smart for reading, she is neither British, nor retarded.)


Blogger Brandon said...

I'm assuming you wrote this just now in loving memory of anna nicole smith.

February 8, 2007 at 3:58:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

Oh, man. I can't compete with that.

You win this time, Anna Nicole Smith.

February 8, 2007 at 4:22:00 PM EST  
Blogger kate said...

Could she have been British and retarded – like Charlize Theron on Arrested Development?

February 8, 2007 at 4:58:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

Kate, I think that's what they call a double threat.

February 8, 2007 at 5:27:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

here's what happened with the superbowl proposal guy in case you were wondering

February 8, 2007 at 5:42:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kelly said...

So this will definitely categorize me as retarded (or maybe just Canadian).

While watching "Million Dollar Baby," I didn't realize Danger was retarded until the awful fight. I just thought he was from Texas. I thought Texans came across as retarded.


February 9, 2007 at 8:55:00 AM EST  
Blogger Dwight said...

I read the quoted article out loud in a British accent! Now, does that make me retarded or just a dork?

February 9, 2007 at 12:58:00 PM EST  
Blogger Meow said...

Thanks for the reference, Dan =)

You are right in concluding that I am not British, nor retarded -hopefully- (though they are not mutually exclusive... I did live there once and had several sticky retarded Brit situations...).

February 9, 2007 at 1:17:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

Anna Nichole who?

Here's the real tragic celebrity death of the week:

February 9, 2007 at 1:56:00 PM EST  
Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Smith and Richardson dead - who is the third in the celebrity death trifecta?

February 9, 2007 at 2:35:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

“She’s not retarded. She’s British.”


Actually the whole thing was. Thank you.

February 13, 2007 at 2:19:00 PM EST  

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