In a news story so huge that it took two months to make it to
America my blog, bbc.com is reporting the following incredible findings. Remember to read it in a British accent so it sounds smarter:
Scientists believe they have worked out a formula to calculate how "beer goggles" affect a drinker's vision.1
The drink-fuelled phenomenon is said to transform supposedly "ugly" people into beauties - until the morning after.2
Researchers at Manchester University say while beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder, the amount of alcohol consumed is not the only factor. Additional factors include the level of light in the pub or club3, the drinker's own eyesight and the room's smokiness.
In order to test the formula’s accuracy, I took a random instance of beer goggle-induced eroticism from my past and plugged it into the equation. Then, halfway through the arduous computation, I realized that I was doing math to remember a time when I took an ugly girl home. That’s like burning money to set fire to your house. So I stopped. But it did bring back this precious memory from college.
My friends and I were at the local underage bar, drinking flaming Dr. Pepper shots and looking for girls. My friend Matt points to a girl across the room and says, “Who’s that? She’s cute.”
I reply, “Dude, you don’t want to talk to her.”
“No she’s not.”
“Yes, she is. I just walked past her before and she was talking in that voice.”
“You know, the retarded voice.”
“I don’t buy it. I’m going to go talk to her.”
We all watch as Matt approaches the girl and strikes up a conversation. Five minutes later he returns.
“She’s not retarded. She’s British.”
1 Really? We had to bring science into this? Using science to explain beer goggles is like using science to explain why you got fired for snorting coke off your desk, or why people don’t like it when you throw garbage at them. “But I just don’t understand it! Why shouldn’t I throw garbage at people? Maybe science can help.”
2 It’s not magic. It’s not like Cinderella where if everyone around you gets hammered enough you turn into a princess with a gown and a tiara. Objectively, you are still ugly. People have simply lowered their standards.
3 I never tried in science class because I never thought I would use it in the real world. If I had known that saying, “Women look more attractive when you can barely make out their faces in the dark” qualified as a scientific breakthrough, I would have paid more attention.
(Thanks to reader “Meow” for sending me the article. Though she is obviously smart for reading bbc.com, she is neither British, nor retarded.)