Monday, February 26, 2007

Too Tired To Care


I’m not OK with all these foreigners coming in here and stealing our Oscars. Like basketball or the Olympics, The Academy Awards are an American institution, and just because we have a little international egg on our face right now doesn’t mean that we should be giving all our awards away to people from Mexico. That’s why they added the Foreign Film category in the first place. Now winning Best Foreign Film isn’t special because everyone over at Pan’s Labyrinth is all, “Yeah, but ours are Oscars de America categories.”

Do you want to know why Foreign Films are good? Because no one can understand them. And as with most things we can’t understand, like God or the theory of relativity, instead of saying, “But this makes no sense!” we worship them. No on wants to be the jerk who doesn’t get into heaven.

Well you know what? I’m tired of not being that jerk. If I wanted to read I would go to the library, not the movie theater.


Penelope Cruz looked positively ethnic in her blush colored strapless Atelier Versace gown.

Wearing Olivier Theyskens, Reese Witherspoon looked so cute you just wanted to divorce her.

Rachel Weiss was confused in her Vera Wang and vintage Cartier jewels.

Nicole Kidman was a revelation in her big red Balenciaga while Naomi Watts looked lumpy in Escada.

Helen Mirren was booby in Christian Lacroix.

Anne Hathaway didn’t help her face’s cause with her Valentino faux-pas.

Adriana Barraza tried her best.

All the guys looked the same.

Age before beauty as Alan Arkin beats out Mark Wahlberg for Best Supporting Actor. Wahlberg should have won, and if it was a street fight he would have.

The Departed shocks Babel by winning Best Picture. No one who saw Babel is shocked.

Martin Scorsese wins Best Director for The Departed. Afterwards he commented, “Finally maybe I’ll get some good projects sent my way.”

Forest Whitaker wins a moral victory for people with lazy eyes everywhere. Correction: People from all over with lazy eyes. People with lazy eyes everywhere have no chance at normalcy, let alone an award.

It’s all knotted up at one after the U.S. wins the Revolutionary War and Helen Mirren wins Best Actress for The Queen.

Jennifer Hudson, who is overweight, wins best Supporting Actress award.

Imagine Al Gore’s embarrassment when he wakes up this morning and realizes that Global Warming doesn’t exist. In front of all those people!

Was funny while remaining inoffensive, except to Republicans.

The people rolling around behind that white screen making big shadow puppets. But honestly, who the fuck does this for a living? I’m just jealous.

Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly getting all meta on the Oscars.

Clint Eastwood fake-translating Ennio Morricone’s acceptance speech from Italian to English while the whole time Morricone is cursing the Oscars for never recognizing his work before. (What, you speak Italian? You’re going to prove me wrong?)

Jerry Seinfeld ad-libbing “. . . these five incredible depressing films,” during his presentation of Best Documentary.

Me being back in bed in three hours. That has nothing to do with the Academy Awards, but who really cares about the Academy Awards anyway.


Blogger sleepyrn said...

Stupidest moment:

We all watched as accolades were showered over Morricone. There he sits beside a woman - presumably his wife.
Now we watch as he is on stage accepting his award. Camera shows this same presumable wife yet.....who is the young stud sitting with her?

Does the academy think we are stupid? We know there are "seat fillers" but this is insane. I think, in this one instance, an empty seat might have been acceptable. We know he was just there, we know he is now on stage, we know that seat should be empty. Let it be empty.

It's the little things that irritate the hell out of me!

February 26, 2007 at 3:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

I think an issue of People, or some other tabloid, headlined Reese Witherspoon's (and several other celebrities) recent weight loss as "REVENGE DIETS!"

I think what they meant to write was "DIVORCE DIETS!" Funny how the unraveling of one's family results in substantial weight loss.

Can't wait to marry and divorce so I can drop that last 5 pounds!

February 26, 2007 at 3:21:00 PM EST  
Blogger Betty said...

you really have to say "no homo" next time you do the fashion wrapup.

February 26, 2007 at 3:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger Cath said...

FYI, Naomi Watts is rumored to be pregnant, which would explain the lumpiness of her appearance. ;)

February 26, 2007 at 3:29:00 PM EST  
Blogger 123-I-Love-You said...

Best moment - Ellen giving Scoresayze a screenplay.

("Ellen" has two L's right?)

February 26, 2007 at 4:01:00 PM EST  
Blogger 123-I-Love-You said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

February 26, 2007 at 4:02:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

was it just me, or were ppl worried about jennifer hudson's dress keepin it all in during her performance with beyonce and others?!?

February 26, 2007 at 4:36:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't ignore Pan's Labyrinth - it was magical and revolting - all at the same time.

February 26, 2007 at 5:04:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, Dan, you suck on so many levels. But, I'll keep reading till you have your next meltdown and start up a new blog.

February 26, 2007 at 5:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger dmbmeg said...

How do you even know who Christian Lacroix is?

Really, how is that vagina working out for you anyways?

February 26, 2007 at 5:17:00 PM EST  
Blogger mm said...

Best Oscar review, and I've read hundredssss, I've read all day. Thanks.

February 26, 2007 at 5:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jenni said...

I'm impressed (or shocked, or quite possibly dissapointed) that you even watched.

Faminly Guy was WAY more interesting.

February 26, 2007 at 6:29:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Boobs Radley said...

watts is knocked up. nobody else has any excuse.

February 26, 2007 at 6:52:00 PM EST  
Blogger I Can Promise To Try To Try said...

i was taking under/overs with myself (because no one watches the oscars, come on) on how long it'd be until the right boob of Jennifer Hudson (who is overweight) popped out of her dress.

did anyone catch when the movie, infernal affairs (the movie the departed was adapted from), was introduced as japanese (it's actually from hong kong)? me neither, go america! (think of it as an intentional f-you! for all those awards given to international films, dan)

February 26, 2007 at 7:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger Airam said...

Clint Eastwood translated what Ennio was saying just perfectly.

February 26, 2007 at 8:01:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kate said...

Jenni-Family Guy was way more interesting...and sadly enough it was a repeat, which really shows how lame the old Oscars can be.

Isn't anyone else sick of a bunch of rich people getting all dressed up and telling each other how great they are all day? I AM. I AM SICK OF IT! I could get over it pretty quickly if one of those rich bastards married me and took care of me, but still. Shutup about your attractive, semi-talented selves and get fat on Arby's like the rest of us normal people.

Wow, I don't know why I'm so angry about this!

February 26, 2007 at 9:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

SOrry to be the one who actually cares and vehemetly defends foreign films but - unless you TRY TO WATCH THEM you cant critisize them. My opinion - some foreign films are better than the American films. I dont know where YOUVE been but the movies in the theatre lately that arent foreign have been TERRIBLE. How much more do I have to take watching MArvel Comic movies? ANYWAYS....

February 27, 2007 at 12:06:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan, you are such a douche-bag....

February 27, 2007 at 1:35:00 AM EST  
Blogger Gaijinity said...

I think most foreign films are better than American ones. Clearly I'm not American. Must be a "You have to come from there" kind of thing.

February 27, 2007 at 11:06:00 AM EST  
Blogger LC said...


You have a difficult audience Dan.

I liked your review. I'm from Mexico, and I won't deny I felt a tad proud when I saw some mexican flags people were holding in the audience, but STILL.

There is a reason why there is a FOREIGN category.

To me, Pan's Labyrinth was confusing when I saw it, because it's spoken in Spain-spanish, not Mexican-spanish. I didn't even know it was from Mexico.

February 27, 2007 at 11:36:00 AM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

If any of you are interested in good foreign films I will give you two/ okay three:
Amorres Perros, The Devil's Backbone, and All About My Mother... If you see them let me know what you guys think!

February 27, 2007 at 12:46:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lol what about that one woman's outfit? The one who got best costume director or something for Marie Antionette or whatever.

My friend and I call her "howdy doody."

February 27, 2007 at 12:56:00 PM EST  
Blogger Laaw-yuhr said...

Man you are so right about foreign films! As W. likes to say, it's about uh-MER-ika. Last year, America brought you such films as Ultraviolet, BloodRayne, The Breakup, etc. How dare the Mexicans/Spaniards, make films without explosions or a naked Jennifer Aniston with a freshly stripped pajiba? The Horror!

February 27, 2007 at 6:34:00 PM EST  
Blogger Hoosier Joe said...

Wow, not much love from the anonymous posters today. Don't worry Dan, I'll throw down for you ... of course, by "throw down" I mean take a punch and fall to the ground twitching so everyone thinks someone hit a retarded kid. It's really more of a moral victory than anything else.

February 27, 2007 at 8:15:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wanted to leave a positive anonymous post. As an anonymous poster, I appreciate the fact that you allow anonymous posts on your blog....many don't.....or worse.....they're private. Perhaps if the anonymous posters were gently reminded of this magnanimity from time to time, it would curb their need to, umm, spout off. Oh, wait -- am I missing a point here?

I hope everyone who reads this post has a great day today.



February 28, 2007 at 10:20:00 AM EST  
Blogger Pauly D said...

I totally agree with you that foreigners and their convoluted ready-talky weird-language movies should never be able to win an Oscar outside of Best Foreign Film.

I saw that Pam's Labryinthe and there was no laybrinthe like there was in that David Bowie movie with that Jennifer actress girl with the huge hooters, and there wasn't any real story. A freaky girl with a freaky father and a bunch of mud.

I don't care if I go to Heaven, I just wanna see some American Jean Claude Van Damme action.

March 2, 2007 at 12:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger birdie said...

I fucking boycotted the whole thing. OKAY FINE I watched the E! pre-pre-redcarpet rundown but still, don't judge me.

March 2, 2007 at 6:24:00 PM EST  
Blogger Caitiedid said...

Is it just me, or is it no longer possible to post comments on any new entries?

March 14, 2007 at 7:00:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess comments are no longer allowed, catiedid. And apparently Dan decided to take the week off, I'm actually having to do some work! Dan, come back, please, I'm on the verge of actually finishing all the work my boss's assigned.

March 15, 2007 at 9:35:00 AM EDT  

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