I’m not OK with all these foreigners coming in here and stealing our Oscars. Like basketball or the Olympics, The Academy Awards are an American institution, and just because we have a little international egg on our face right now doesn’t mean that we should be giving all our awards away to people from Mexico. That’s why they added the Foreign Film category in the first place. Now winning Best Foreign Film isn’t special because everyone over at Pan’s Labyrinth is all, “Yeah, but ours are Oscars de America categories.”
Do you want to know why Foreign Films are good? Because no one can understand them. And as with most things we can’t understand, like God or the theory of relativity, instead of saying, “But this makes no sense!” we worship them. No on wants to be the jerk who doesn’t get into heaven.
Well you know what? I’m tired of not being that jerk. If I wanted to read I would go to the library, not the movie theater.
Penelope Cruz looked positively ethnic in her blush colored strapless Atelier Versace gown.
Wearing Olivier Theyskens, Reese Witherspoon looked so cute you just wanted to divorce her.
Rachel Weiss was confused in her Vera Wang and vintage Cartier jewels.
Nicole Kidman was a revelation in her big red Balenciaga while Naomi Watts looked lumpy in Escada.
Helen Mirren was booby in Christian Lacroix.
Anne Hathaway didn’t help her face’s cause with her Valentino faux-pas.
Adriana Barraza tried her best.
All the guys looked the same.
Age before beauty as Alan Arkin beats out Mark Wahlberg for Best Supporting Actor. Wahlberg should have won, and if it was a street fight he would have.
The Departed shocks Babel by winning Best Picture. No one who saw Babel is shocked.
Martin Scorsese wins Best Director for The Departed. Afterwards he commented, “Finally maybe I’ll get some good projects sent my way.”
Forest Whitaker wins a moral victory for people with lazy eyes everywhere. Correction: People from all over with lazy eyes. People with lazy eyes everywhere have no chance at normalcy, let alone an award.
It’s all knotted up at one after the U.S. wins the Revolutionary War and Helen Mirren wins Best Actress for The Queen.
Jennifer Hudson, who is overweight, wins best Supporting Actress award.
Imagine Al Gore’s embarrassment when he wakes up this morning and realizes that Global Warming doesn’t exist. In front of all those people!
Was funny while remaining inoffensive, except to Republicans.
The people rolling around behind that white screen making big shadow puppets. But honestly, who the fuck does this for a living? I’m just jealous.
Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly getting all meta on the Oscars.
Clint Eastwood fake-translating Ennio Morricone’s acceptance speech from Italian to English while the whole time Morricone is cursing the Oscars for never recognizing his work before. (What, you speak Italian? You’re going to prove me wrong?)
Jerry Seinfeld ad-libbing “. . . these five incredible depressing films,” during his presentation of Best Documentary.
Me being back in bed in three hours. That has nothing to do with the Academy Awards, but who really cares about the Academy Awards anyway.