Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Ways To Get Fat on Fat Tuesday

1. DON’T EXERCISE

For example, I drop my pen and it rolls under my desk. Instead of bending down to pick it up, I stop working. If someone walks by my office, I will yell, “Hey! Do you have a pen?” If they point out that there is a pen right there on the floor beneath me I will say, “You think you’re better than me?”

2. FREE PANCAKES AT IHOP

Because they are free and they are carbs and they are delicious and they are free. The only drawback here is that you need to move (exercise) to get to an IHOP. I recommend having a friend drive and dropping you off right out front. Stand at the front door until someone opens it for you. Don’t say thank you. Talking burns calories.

3. GET DEPRESSED

Science has proven a lot of things over the years, so I trust them when they say that being depressed makes you fat. (Although one thing they didn’t prove was which came first – the chicken or the egg. So how do they know that people aren’t depressed because they are fat instead of being fat because they are depressed? Hey, it’s working! I’m getting depressed just thinking about it!)

While waiting for your pancakes at IHOP, ponder your mortal existence. Think that your life will last a span of time that, on the grand scale, amounts to an indistinguishable flash of light. And once you are gone, everything will go on without you, and at the moment of your death a child will be playing and laughing somewhere in the distance. Now pour some syrup on those problems and make them go away! Eat them right up!

4. EAT ENTENMANN’S CONFECTIONS

One Rich Chocolate Frosted donut has 19 grams of fat in it. That’s 29% of your recommended daily intake. That means if you eat one donut for dessert after breakfast, lunch and dinner, you will have ingested 87% of your recommended daily intake of fat in donut form. You can’t see this, but I have a tear in my eye as I’m writing this.

(Note: If you read that last paragraph and thought, “Who eats dessert after breakfast?” I’ve got bad news for you. Your life is a sham and your ideals are worthless. Dessert isn’t an indulgence, it is a reward for being a good person. And what more important time of day is there to be rewarded for your greatness than the morning? It gives you a sense of confidence and accomplishment than will carry you through the day, or at least until lunch. Besides, if a short stack of pancakes is enough to fill you up, I think science barely considers you a living organism.)

5. RETAIN WATER

Apparently girls are really good at this, so if you know any ask them how they do it. But from my limited research, I have learned that eating a lot of salt will do the trick. Luckily, potato chips are delicious and pretzels are delicious and chocolate covered pretzels are chocolate covered delicious.

From what I understand, retaining water then leads to “bloating” which can be quite uncomfortable. The good news, though, is that the best remedy for bloating is to sit on the couch and do nothing. There certainly is a rhyme and reason to this whole Fat Day.

(FUN TRIVIA! – The fattiest food I could find was a Dairy Queen Caramel CheeseQuake Blizzard which has 39 grams of saturated fat. That’s 200% of your recommended daily allowance. That’s a coronary in a cup. With a really long spoon.)

25 Comments:

Blogger Miss Nines said...

Good: Pancakes.

Better: Ice cream.

Best: Pieces of pancake added to a bowl of ice cream. I suggest vanilla bean. With caramel sauce.

P.S.: I am not fat.

February 20, 2007 at 2:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger mm said...

The thought of all you can eat pancakes makes me throw up in my mouth. I'm avoiding IHOP from now on.

February 20, 2007 at 2:53:00 PM EST  
Blogger MC said...

You forgot beer, it's got the calories, carbs, and sodium.

February 20, 2007 at 3:10:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

That's because around here we don't say mean things about beer.

February 20, 2007 at 3:17:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan,
Have you ever thought about a new career writing cards for the new Hallmark Journeys line?
Seriously- I think you are qualified.

February 20, 2007 at 3:55:00 PM EST  
Blogger Meow said...

I was totally going to say "beer" but someone beat me to it.

So I thought I'd leave a comment about leaving a comment to pacify myself.

Happy Fat Day!

February 20, 2007 at 4:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Caramel and Cheesecake in the same sentence should be fucking illegal.

February 20, 2007 at 4:20:00 PM EST  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

Did I ever tell you how much I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeee your sarcasm...This post is only the funniest thing that I have read this year... Your G/F must love your comments. Wait until it gets old.
Sailor-moon aka kikimia
ps muah!

February 20, 2007 at 4:26:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kelly said...

CheeseQuake Blizzard - Yes please!

Bloating isn't a fabulous way to get fat... It's a good starting point, though. Eat loads of chips, with soda, and you'll be well on your way.

February 20, 2007 at 5:06:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Boobs Radley said...

try KFC's "Famous" bowls. i assume they are famous for being something starchy (mashed potatoes) covered in something deep fried (chicken) and "smothered" in both cheese AND gravy.

February 20, 2007 at 5:36:00 PM EST  
Blogger dmbmeg said...

fattiest food:
Burger King's Enormous Omelet Breakfast Sandwich

Calories: 730
Total fat: 45 grams
Total saturated fat: 16 grams
Total amount of heart attacks after eating: infinite.

I win!

February 20, 2007 at 6:08:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But Meg, your math is wrong. The cheesecake stuff from DQ is still worse.

Why do girls have to be so bad at math?

February 20, 2007 at 7:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger Ki Two said...

While finding the fattiest food may be the most efficient way to get fat, I tip my hat to those who get fat by overindulging on lunch meat and bananas. What fun is that? Ah, that's why they get my tipped hat, so they don't see me laughing.

(I laugh quietly)

February 20, 2007 at 7:20:00 PM EST  
Blogger Werbie said...

If chocolate covered pretzels = chocolate covered delicious, what does that make chocolate covered potato chips? Because those things are a real quick way to making a girl speechless. From all the chewing, I mean.

February 20, 2007 at 8:01:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Devylish said...

Oh the last person mentioned chocolate covered potato chips.. I was thinking those or the chocolate covered peanut butter filled pretzels.. and then those actually added to ice cream = Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby.. All well worth whatever is gained. Mm!

February 20, 2007 at 8:11:00 PM EST  
Blogger Some Chick said...

Hey, not to get back to sex week, but what about sperm? Too much of that stuff will make you fat.

February 20, 2007 at 11:36:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

Why do you have to be such a liar?

February 21, 2007 at 10:09:00 AM EST  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

Entenmanns might be the best thing ever.

February 21, 2007 at 10:33:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Couch + television + remote + chips ^2+ beers^4 = A very happy life. Nothing beats that you can be lazy, entertain and happy sitting in one place.

February 21, 2007 at 11:13:00 AM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

Some chick, I beg to differ.

Three years ago in my Female Physiology class, my professor did a huge favor for man kind:

She revealed that when injesting someone's ejaculate, you are really only consuming about 15 calories. So, be a good girlfriend and swallow on.

P.S.: I am not a slut, just smart.

February 21, 2007 at 11:58:00 AM EST  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

February 21, 2007 at 1:58:00 PM EST  
Blogger Some Chick said...

Miss nines--- I did hear it makes your skin clear.

Ok, I'll do a couple extra sit-ups.

February 21, 2007 at 9:48:00 PM EST  
Blogger Beechball said...

I haven't read through all your comments (you're too popular for me) but have you looked up the nurtitional information on the Canadian classic - Poutine? I'm not one of those 'french-hicky' type Canucks either, I'm the good kind (lol, jokes fellow leafers, calm down) but Poutine is soooooo yummy! Greasy Fries loaded with mozzarella (or whatever) cheese and them topped with hot, salty gravy that pools in the bottom of the cup... omg, I have to go! lol

February 22, 2007 at 11:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger Beechball said...

oh, and the poutine I talked about, it's soo bad that when I looked it up on Burger King's site - it wouldn't even LOAD! That's how bad it is... they can't even TELL you! ha! Do you even read these *blank stare*

February 22, 2007 at 11:09:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Gotchagal said...

Okaaay, hi guys out there, but I so need your help......Im a slim babe who wants to get fat.Why? well maybe because I dont like the way I am....I wana get fat but not too fat and I ned ti accomplish this like in a short period of time which is like 3 weeks....HELPPPPP PLZZZZO......

March 23, 2007 at 2:56:00 PM EDT  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home