1. DON’T EXERCISE
For example, I drop my pen and it rolls under my desk. Instead of bending down to pick it up, I stop working. If someone walks by my office, I will yell, “Hey! Do you have a pen?” If they point out that there is a pen right there on the floor beneath me I will say, “You think you’re better than me?”
Because they are free and they are carbs and they are delicious and they are free. The only drawback here is that you need to move (exercise) to get to an IHOP. I recommend having a friend drive and dropping you off right out front. Stand at the front door until someone opens it for you. Don’t say thank you. Talking burns calories.
3. GET DEPRESSED
Science has proven a lot of things over the years, so I trust them when they say that being depressed makes you fat. (Although one thing they didn’t prove was which came first – the chicken or the egg. So how do they know that people aren’t depressed because they are fat instead of being fat because they are depressed? Hey, it’s working! I’m getting depressed just thinking about it!)
While waiting for your pancakes at IHOP, ponder your mortal existence. Think that your life will last a span of time that, on the grand scale, amounts to an indistinguishable flash of light. And once you are gone, everything will go on without you, and at the moment of your death a child will be playing and laughing somewhere in the distance. Now pour some syrup on those problems and make them go away! Eat them right up!
4. EAT ENTENMANN’S CONFECTIONS
One Rich Chocolate Frosted donut has 19 grams of fat in it. That’s 29% of your recommended daily intake. That means if you eat one donut for dessert after breakfast, lunch and dinner, you will have ingested 87% of your recommended daily intake of fat in donut form. You can’t see this, but I have a tear in my eye as I’m writing this.
(Note: If you read that last paragraph and thought, “Who eats dessert after breakfast?” I’ve got bad news for you. Your life is a sham and your ideals are worthless. Dessert isn’t an indulgence, it is a reward for being a good person. And what more important time of day is there to be rewarded for your greatness than the morning? It gives you a sense of confidence and accomplishment than will carry you through the day, or at least until lunch. Besides, if a short stack of pancakes is enough to fill you up, I think science barely considers you a living organism.)
5. RETAIN WATER
Apparently girls are really good at this, so if you know any ask them how they do it. But from my limited research, I have learned that eating a lot of salt will do the trick. Luckily, potato chips are delicious and pretzels are delicious and chocolate covered pretzels are chocolate covered delicious.
From what I understand, retaining water then leads to “bloating” which can be quite uncomfortable. The good news, though, is that the best remedy for bloating is to sit on the couch and do nothing. There certainly is a rhyme and reason to this whole Fat Day.
(FUN TRIVIA! – The fattiest food I could find was a Dairy Queen Caramel CheeseQuake Blizzard which has 39 grams of saturated fat. That’s 200% of your recommended daily allowance. That’s a coronary in a cup. With a really long spoon.)