Wednesday, February 7, 2007


nesquikSince my office is right across the street from the New York Stock Exchange, security in my building has been pretty tight over the past few years. Everyone has a specially issued ID with their picture on it that must be shown to a security guard upon entering the building. At first, the security guards would inspect the IDs as though we were underage kids trying to get a whiskey sour at Applebee’s. As time passed though, attitudes relaxed and you could flash your ID quickly as you walked past, so long as you smiled and didn’t look suspicious.

While I normally always carry my ID with me, sometimes when I go from my office down to the newsstand in the lobby to buy an iced tea (OK, chocolate milk) I don’t have it on me, since I am not leaving the building. However, you have to walk past the security guards to get to the newsstand, which is in an alcove just inside the front entrance of the building. Usually I never have a problem. I try to make eye contact with the security guards as I walk past to communicate to them, “Look at me, no jacket. Got a dollar bill in my hand. Not going outside. Remember my face, just going to buy some chocolate milk, I mean iced tea.” (It’s a long look.)

This morning, though, there was a security guard there that I didn’t recognize. He seemed shifty and hardnosed in that way that says, “I take my job seriously, despite this purple blazer,” or “Yes, I’ve been to prison.” I tried my usual routine, but he seemed unimpressed. So I bought my beverage and when attempting to walk past him back into the building, he stopped me.

Guard: “ID.”

Me: “I don’t have it on me, I was just going to the store.” (holding up chocolate milk, reluctantly)

Guard: “Still need to see your ID.”

Me: “I was already in the building. I never left.”

Guard: “I don’t know that you were already in the building. I can’t watch everyone who comes through that door.”

Me: “But I don’t even have a coat on.” (still holding up chocolate milk)

Guard: “How do I know what a terrorist would do?”

Me: (slowly lowering chocolate milk)

Lesson learned: President Bush was right when he said Americans need to make sacrifices during these uncertain times. It’s a small price to pay to carry your building ID with you at all times so you don’t have to call a co-worker on your cell phone to have them come down and vouch for you while you stand there holding a carton of chocolate milk.


Blogger dmbmeg said...

I think there have been a few times when I almost got tackled, cuffed, and thrown into a holding cell in the lobby by the security guards in my building for not having my id on me.

And of course that's the right thing to do given that I work for a major retail company. Lord knows we wouldn't want terrorists to attack the nation's sweater supply.

February 7, 2007 at 12:55:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

This reminds me of the times I'd lock myself out of my dorm room after showering. I had a hyper vigilant RA who would walk me back down to my (single) dorm room that had some sort of cutesy farm animal cut out with "NINA" written on it in flourescent Sharpie.

She'd let me in to my room and then stand in the hall while I, hair still sopping wet and wrapped in a towel/robe also with "NINA" embroidered across the front (gift from Southern relatives, what can I say?) retrieved my student ID and assured her that I was not a criminal and/or rapist and/or auditing the hall shower.

Maybe we should set them up.

February 7, 2007 at 12:56:00 PM EST  
Blogger A. Dubz said...

I became friends with our guards so they know who I am, but every once in a while they'll change them up and I'm usually caught without my ID card. They are SUCH dicks about letting you back into the building. I feel your pain (and subsequent chocolate milk embarassment). There's go to be a better way. Everyone in my office now attaches their ID cards to their keys, which to me looks L-A-M-E.

February 7, 2007 at 1:09:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

I refuse to attach my ID card to myself or anything else I own. That is a freedom I am not prepared to abandon - the freedom to not look like a douchbag.

February 7, 2007 at 1:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Brandon said...

Why don't you just run a summer camp where you teach terrorists how to act around security guards so as not to arouse suspicion? Whose side are you on, anyway?

Your blog is writing checks that your body can't cash.

I mean, unless of course your real plan is to host a summer camp for terrorists only to defeat them all during the graduation ceremony with martial arts. Who are you, Tom Reagan?

February 7, 2007 at 1:15:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My uncle would think this is so funny.

February 7, 2007 at 1:35:00 PM EST  
Blogger Sam said...

How come you don't just buy five chocolate milks on the weekend, bring them to work each Monday and put them in your company's fridge? They'd be less expensive and you'd avoid the whole kerfluffle with the ID and the long looks that could be wrongly interpreted by men manly enough to wear purple jackets.

February 7, 2007 at 1:42:00 PM EST  
Blogger The Single Girl said...

This is a dumb question ... but I can't figure out what WWTD stands for?

I am sure I will be riduculed as a ludite for asking.

February 7, 2007 at 2:09:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

If memory serves, "T" is the name of the Rabbit made famous by the Nestlie Quick commercials.

February 7, 2007 at 2:15:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The decision you have to make is which makes you look less like a douchbag. Having your ID attached to you; or standing next to the guard station, chocolate milk in hand, waiting for your hall pass?

February 7, 2007 at 2:19:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

It's a draw.

February 7, 2007 at 2:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jay said...

Why do you hate freedom?

You know the terr'ists win if we stop asking people for ID when they go to buy chocolate milk without leaving the building.

February 7, 2007 at 2:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger DrunkBrunch said...

After reading the post, rereading the title is what made me laugh even harder!

February 7, 2007 at 2:34:00 PM EST  
Blogger craziasian said...

I have found that, when in similar precarious situations, sleeping with the guard usually does the trick.

Also, it is a better pick me up than chocolate milk, you douchebag.

February 7, 2007 at 3:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Miss Nines said...

Please tell me you called June!

February 7, 2007 at 3:21:00 PM EST  
Blogger Caitiedid said...

I'm starting to think it's less about the "missing ID card" issue, and more about the long look.

He probably decided you were hitting on him, and that, if he detained you long enough, you'd offer up a sip of your sweet chocolate milk and he could joke about how "you're sweeter."

And then he'd order you your own purple jacket, and you guys could spend your lunch breaks together reminiscing about the first time you met and he wouldn't let you into the building, and, on your fifth year anniversary, he'd buy you a chocolate milk, and you'd show him the chocolate milk you bought for him, and both just laugh and laugh.

February 7, 2007 at 5:46:00 PM EST  
Blogger Me. said...

I still don't get that WWTD stands for...

February 7, 2007 at 7:45:00 PM EST  
Blogger Alison said...

OK. I'm going to say it.
I think it stands for 'What Would a Terrorist Do?', to paraphrase the security guard.

I think if Dan were a 'planner' and pre-bought his chocky milk, his posts would be about bastards who steal four cartons of chocolate milk on a Tuesday morning, and not the lobby romance we have today.

February 8, 2007 at 3:39:00 AM EST  
Anonymous kt said...

We use bio-recognition (in other words, I have to press my finger on a scanner thingie) to access/regress the building. It's hard to leave your finger at your desk or at home attached to another outfit. But I guess that breaks your rule too, becuase then you'd have your "ID" attached to your person. Also, on the stolen milk comment above, OMG, so right. The f'ing nerve of some people. Do they just forget that they didn't actually buy the chocolate milk (or whatever) and help themselves, figuring, there are three ( more. Fockers!

February 8, 2007 at 9:58:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahaha. I hate IDs and badges. We have to swipe ours so if I forget mine, I have to linger in a hallway until someone else comes to go through a door so I can sneak in behind them.

February 8, 2007 at 11:22:00 AM EST  
Blogger The Single Girl said...

Ahhh ... okay that is hilarious, now that I understand the title.

February 8, 2007 at 11:41:00 AM EST  
Blogger Denyse said...

I thought it was a typo of "What Would Tyler Durden Do".

But that makes a lot more sense.

February 8, 2007 at 12:13:00 PM EST  
Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

And the pictures on the ID Badges? Both my driver's license AND Passport photo are less offensive.

February 8, 2007 at 1:30:00 PM EST  
Blogger BaxterWatch said...

ha. Where I work, we make drugs. And have IDs. Yet, people here in small town, no one gives a F*** north carolina, are concerned because the local puddle jumpers fly over our site on the way to the regional airport.

they honestly think some islamic fundamentalist is going to care SO MUCH about their little pill mill in the middle of no where that they will hijack a puddle jumper and crash into the site.

When EVERYBODY KNOWS that terrorist are really just after office workers in NYC who buy chocolate milk on their break.

oh yeah, and forget their IDs

February 8, 2007 at 2:11:00 PM EST  
Blogger trinity67 said...

What's the big deal - if you know you're supposed to have your ID on you at all times then do it and if you object to that then get a job where you don't have to wear one.

February 8, 2007 at 5:34:00 PM EST  
Blogger trinity67 said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

February 8, 2007 at 5:40:00 PM EST  
Blogger Caitiedid said...

The big deal is that your solution isn't funny.

One of those rare incidents where the obvious solution is so incredibly boring it's like...why say it?

February 9, 2007 at 2:19:00 PM EST  
Blogger Danielle said...

Wait ... you remembered your cell phone, but you forgot your ID?

Is your cell phone clipped to your belt? Is that somehow less dorky than an ID badge clipped to your belt?

February 13, 2007 at 2:23:00 PM EST  
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