Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The Germans Are At It Again, and other news stories

Woman grows nipple on foot

nipple on foot

A 22-year-old woman sought medical care for a lesion in the plantar region of her left foot, a well-formed nipple surrounded by areola and hair.

POSSIBLE JOKES INCLUDE:

“She first discovered the nipple while trying to talk to a guy who wouldn’t stop staring at her foot.”
“Self conscious about her weight, she leaves her socks on during sex.”
“When asked why she didn’t pluck the hair, the woman responded, ‘Because I am gross.’”
“On top of everything else, she is flat footed.”

The Caffeine Database

This site is ridiculously helpful. A grande Starbucks coffee has an absurd 372 grams of caffeine. That’s more than a Cocaine energy drink PLUS a Pimp Juice. And Pimp Juice bills itself as “The #1 Hip-Hop energy drink!” I guess they at least have the image going for them – it’s not likely you’re going to see any real pimps on line in Starbucks like, “Yeah, I wanna Double Venti Soy Sugar Free Vanilla Latte. No whip,” and then refill their Starbucks card with a few Benjamin Franklins. Actually, that’s a pimp I would respect. Because all good pimps know it’s not just about owning the youngest girls, it’s about owning your image. Pimp Juice is like eating a Hostess when all the real pimps are chilling on the bench outside Magnolia Bakery. Or something.

Boomshine

Aaaaaand, I’m addicted.

WWF says pollution, dams threaten rivers

I only included this because I thought they were talking about the real WWF (the World Wide Wrestling Federation). But then I read the story and it turns out it’s about the World Wide Fund for Nature. I was hoping for a soft lede like:

“Jesse “the Body” Ventura is concerned about more than just his body – he’s concerned about bodies of water.”

or

“Jake “the Snake” Roberts cares about snakes – even outside the ring.”

But instead I get a boring article about damage to some kind of land or lake or something. You know, it’s a lesson these institutions should learn: If they would just get some wrestling personalities involved in their campaigns, more people would listen. Do I care if some scientist tells me that recycling can save thousands of acres of land a year? Probably not. But do I care if The Ultimate Warrior drops a ladder on a seal’s head and then says, “Don’t kill seals. Recycle.”? You bet I do.

Kill tame bear, say animal nuts

Knut polar bear

ANIMAL-RIGHTS activists have called for a zoo’s baby Polar bear to be KILLED — because it relies on humans.

I love The Sun. As though the story weren’t enough to provoke outrage, they felt the need to emphasize the fact that THEY WANT TO KILL HIM, KILL HIM UNTIL HE’S DEAD AND WILL NEVER COME BACK. Honestly, I’m all for news outlets being objective, but sometimes objectivity just gets in the way of what you’re reporting. Like when some schadenfreudic Germans want to euthanize a baby polar bear for being too cute and wanting to play.

I think the U.S. government needs to intervene here and grant the polar bear cub amnesty. We should threaten a violent response if anything happens to Knut. Oh, did I mention the bear’s name is Knut. COULD HE GET ANY FUCKING CUTER? If I were a better man, I would infiltrate that German zoo, rescue Knut and more to Alaska where we could play in the snow. Then he would grow up real big and I would think it was like some Disney cartoon where he had come to trust and love me, so I would try to ride him to the local fish market, but once we got there the smell would drive him crazy and he would maul me. But God, the good times we would have before it came to that.