Friday, March 9, 2007

Q&A Friday! The Finale!

Q&A Friday

It is with a heavy heart that I tell you that this will be the final installment of Q&A Friday. My parents always told me that all good things come to an end. Of course they were telling me this while trying to convince me that my pet turtle, Mr. T, ran away. In this case, though, I just felt like it was time for it to end. Mostly because I HAVE NO MORE QUESTIONS TO ANSWER.

I get it, I guess you guys think you know it all. My parents warned me about this too. They said that one day I would have kids and that even though those kids would be dense little blocks of ignorance, they would still think they knew better than me. And today you all have become my children, and I feel the scorn of my dumb offspring and their hubric obstinance. Oh, don’t know what those words mean? TOO BAD YOU CAN’T ASK ME ANYMORE!

Good luck out there in the real world with no guidance and no one to love you. And don’t come crawling back when you need me to co-sign a loan or baby-sit your illegitimate child. That ship has sailed, and this fountain of knowledge is tapped . . . right after these last few questions.

I’m hoping you can discuss the +'s and -'s of "dating" someone who lives approximately 3 buildings away from me.

Please note...things have been going fine (it's been like 3 weeks) except for the fact that we keep denying that we're dating. I also have this intense fear when I walk down the street that I am going to run into him. Because it might be awkward. Especially because I am most often awkward even when the situation does not warrant awkwardness.

So - pros and cons? Should I maybe abort this thing now before it ends in disaster and I’m so afraid to walk down my street that I stay inside my apartment for the next 5-10 years???

- Anonymous

I’m not sure you know the meaning of the word “fine.” I think if you are walking down the street in fear of seeing the guy you won’t admit you’re dating, that’s outside the parameters of “fine.” That’s more in “my love life is a social disaster” territory. This is what happens when you prize convenience above all else. Like the time I bought sushi from the bodega on the corner because the real sushi place was six blocks away, then I got violently ill. You’ve clearly eaten a bad eel roll here. (I can’t stop with these food analogies.)

Let’s not dwell on the many mistakes you’ve already made. Let’s make up untrue scenarios in which everything may work out fine:

Scenario 1: You wake up one day and decide that this is the right guy for you and despite the fact that all your actions up to this point have been aimed at emotionally distancing yourself from him, you suddenly love him. And good news! He lives right down the block!

Scenario 2: The two of you carry on your tawdry, dispassionate affair for years, never running into each other on the street while on a real date with someone else or while visiting with your parents and the empty sex is enough for both of you to remain inexplicably content.

Scenario 3: Just as you are about to end it with him, he takes a job in Chicago.

Scenario 4: While walking to his apartment one night, you run into your future husband, who happens to be his brother. But he is cool with this and is the best man at your wedding. During the toast he says, “I remember when these two first met, I was fucking her daily,” and everyone laughs and has a great time.

Now let’s check out the likely scenario: One night you call him up and ask him to come over. He says he can’t because he has plans with his buddies. Later on, you go out for some frozen yogurt and while walking by his apartment you see him coming home with a girl. You scream out, “Hey, douchbag! Aren’t you going to introduce me to your buddies!?” and then you engage in a sexy fight with the other girl where clothes are torn and water is sprayed on you. Then things are awkward between you two and every time you run into him on the street you immediately call your girlfriend to tell her all about it and she grows to loath you because Jesus Christ it’s been two years could you please just let it go? But you can’t, because he lives 30 seconds away. You’ve made a huge mistake.
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You know when you’re taking a piss and towards the end you seem to shiver and contort for no reason? What’s the deal with that?

- just pissed

Hmm, how do I put this. This is embarrassing . . . So you know when you go to the bathroom and you “take a piss”? Well what you’re really doing is called jacking off. And that stuff that comes out? That’s not urine. And the reason guys have that look of disgust on their face when they sidle up to the urinal next to yours? That’s because what you’re doing is illegal.

The good news is that the shivering and contorting is a perfectly normal response. The bad news is that if you have been mixing up the two processes, there are a lot of girls out there who are in therapy because of you.
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I have a co-worker, whom I know to have participated in gay sexual "relationships", my gay room mate has seen him at the gay clubs picking up big black men for sex back at his place. One of these men once told my room mate that this guy is a freak, never taking his "date" into the bedroom, living room floor only, and after it is over, asking his "date" to leave without even a trip to the bathroom for a whore bath. He very rarely sees the same man twice and it seems to be a sex only kind of thing (which I must say has me a little envious of the gays).

So, knowing all this. I now find out this co-worker has a girlfriend, another co-worker. They've traveled, come to parties together and are talking about getting married.

Naturally I am at a loss as to how to talk to this person about his relationship. "How's it going?" just doesn't seem to be a good conversation starter. Especially when what I really want to ask him is "Don't you miss the dick?"

What do you think?

- Kat

For starters, I think you include way too much detail in your letters. That was like Penthouse Forums meets Dear Abby. And why do I imagine the whore bath being a wholly separate pedestal sink, much like a stone bird bath, filled with a shallow pool of cool water with the words WHORE BATH engraved on he side?

There are very few instances where I think it is acceptable to interfere in other people’s personal lives. For example, if a friend of mine started dating a guy and I thought he looked a little familiar and it turns out he did because I saw him on the news last night for being linked to Al Qaeda, then I might say, “Hey I think your new boyfriend is a terrorist.” Or if one of my buddies decided to marry a girl and that night while celebrating at a bar she drunkenly complains to me how hard it is to conceal her herpes when they’re active, I might tell him, “Your fiancé has herpes.”

But in this situation, what you’re dealing with is dating preference. It’s no different than if you were having a great time with a new guy, right up until your best friend thought it was pertinent to tell your new beau that you once had sex with an obese man on a dare. Or that while in college you thought of Jesus while you masturbated. Not knowing these things doesn’t put the other person’s life in danger, so it’s not your place to tell.

Besides, if it’s detrimental enough then it’s the person’s responsibility to find out on their own through spying, deception and reading their email. You can’t life their life for them. Let the gay black sex go.

And as an aside, never start a conversation with, “Don’t you miss the dick?” The negative construction is presumptive. Try the more congenial, “Do you miss the dick?”
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El Camino: Car or truck?

- Brock

Your name is Brock. I assure you, your opinion on this matters infinitely more than mine. However if I had to opine, I would say that it is a car, albeit one resulting from a truck raping a sedan. It’s like in Judaism how if the mother is Jewish, the child is considered Jewish. In this mythology, the violated sedan gave birth to the El Camino, therefore it is a car.
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Is it strange that my boyfriend doesn't want to have a threesome? I have had a couple in the past (2 girls guy and 2 guys me) and I'd be interested in doing it again with him and another girl. He said it's not a fantasy of his and that he isn't interested. I think that's strange (and disappointing). What should I do? Do you think there's a way to change his mind?

- S.

You seem like a pretty intimidating girl – the type who screams out instructions during sex like, “Grab my ass!” or “Choke me!” And while sometimes it’s nice to not have to make decisions for yourself, often this can create tension in the bedroom.

Another thing that can cause tension in the bedroom is a stranger. Believe it or not, when most men find a strange guy in their bedroom, they don’t think, “Maybe he’s just here to fuck my girlfriend,” they usually go straight for the shotgun.

As far as throwing another girl into the mix, I just think you’re asking for trouble. You know the old saying, too many cooks spoil the orgasm? Well that applies here. Think of it this way: I’m a chef and I’ve been cooking you dinner every night for months. Whatever you want, I make for you. And it’s not easy and sometimes it really hurts my neck, but I do it anyway. Then all of a sudden you tell me that you want steak AND pasta primavera tonight. I don’t have enough hands to make both, so you suggest bringing in another chef. Meanwhile all I’m thinking is, “My girlfriend is a real fat ass if a whole steak isn’t enough for her.” Then I agree and we bring in another chef and we all sit down to eat together. Then you eat my steak, I eat her pasta primavera, she has an eating disorder so she eats a salad, and when I comment, “This is the best pasta primavera ever! I wish you could cook like this!” you get mad and sulk and all the food gets cold.

Now I’m not sure where I was talking about food and where I was talking about sex, but I think you get my point. I’m going to lunch.