Friday, March 30, 2007

Q&A Friday! The Resurrection!

Just in time for Passover, the death of the son of man and his much anticipated resurrection, we too at [redacted] have our own rising from the dead. Some may scoff at the notion that Q&A Fridays had the same impact on the world that Christ had, but I’ll ask you this: What did Jesus do on his spare time? He helped people. And what does Q&A Friday do? It helps people, too! My point being, when you’re trying to pick out a role model for your children, remember that [redacted] and Jesus have a lot in common, but I’m the one with the smokin’ hot girlfriend.

Speaking of which . . .

So I am a funny, sarcastic, narcissistic guy dating a Jewish girl. Should I convert to keep her family happy and to carry on the tradition of 2000 years of culture, or screw, should she dip her head in water and call it one for the J-man?

Identity Crisis.

You couldn’t be more in luck. As it just so happens, I am presently going through the exact same thing! It’s almost as though you knew this when you wrote the letter! But how could you? Where would you get such information? To what lengths have you gone to learn such details of me life?

Still, every question deserves an answer. And here is yours: 2000 years of culture, 2000 shmears of schmulture! Great sex and a similar taste in movies isn’t about God. It’s about the heart. And when the Jewish God is sitting up there with the regular God, do you think they’re quibbling over little things like who stopped reading after the Old Testament? Of course not. All they care is that you are happy, and you’ve paid your fees and you don’t get an abortion. That’s a big one. They hate that.
Do you consider it bizarre that my roommate eats only apples, oatmeal, protein shakes, ham, and Swiss cheese? Would you recommend staging an intervention for him before his muscles finish choking off the blood to his brain? Continuing on the food theme, my other roommate will only eat food if it comes from in a can (think Campbell’s condensed chicken noodle soup straight from the can at room temperature) or in hot pocket form. How would you recommend dealing with this situation?


I can’t tell if you live in a frat house or a really boring psyche-ward, but either way this sounds like a nightmare. I prefer to surround myself with like-minded people. I am profoundly lazy, and agreeing is so much easier than disagreeing. So the idea of having to live in a place with people who don’t eat steak and pizza and make little ice cream sandwiches with Oreos and sprinkles, it terrifies me. I once broke up with a girl because she didn’t eat dessert. Not that she prevented me from eating dessert, but I couldn’t stand that she wouldn’t. I also couldn’t stand that she kept sleeping with other guys.

Anyway, here’s what I think you should do: poison them. Not like to kill them, but if you poison all their favorite foods they won’t be able to eat them anymore. A good substance with which to poison someone untraceably is gold sodium thiomalate. I can’t divulge how I know this, but let’s just say a very reliable doctor with a limp told me.
How drunk can a girl be before a guy finds her utterly ridiculous and sloppy?


There is a point at which alcohol can kill you. It is called an overdose, and it is marginally unattractive.

But that’s not the question you asked. You asked at what point a guy might find a girl ridiculous and sloppy. Let’s first strip these words of their negative connotation and replace them with a positive one. Ridiculous, for example, implies escape; a departure from norms. Originality, even. Like that scene in Pretty Woman where Richard Gere is climbing the fire escape to bring Julia Roberts flowers. That is ridiculous! Why not use the stairs? Ridiculous!

Likewise, sloppy is just another word for disorganized. “Unanal retentive,” if that were a word, would be a good word for it. You know who was sloppy? Jackson Pollack. Couldn’t even keep the paint on the canvas. So let me ask you: if I met a girl who was ridiculous like Richard Gere and sloppy like Jackson Pollack, would I still go home with her? Damn right I would. And I would take a bubble bath and go on a shopping spree, although I wouldn’t let her drive me home from the bar, that’s for sure.
How often does the average young couple have sex?


Everyday, and if you’re not doing it you’re not cool.

OK, I’m not comfortable with that answer. Like Jesus, I have a responsibility to my readers. Sometimes it’s funny to tell the truth, but sometimes it’s more important to lie. Young couples don’t have sex nearly as often as they pretend to. For example, there is a guy in my office building I often run into on the elevator, and every time I see him he is talking to his friend about having sex with his girlfriend. “Man, she wore me out last night!” or, “Man, I wore her out last night!” (he doesn’t seem very bright). But I will guarantee you that more than once “last night” all he did was stick his vibrating PlayStation remote control down his pants. Or maybe she “wore him out” by complaining about her new pimple. Whatever the case, it’s only natural for people to project more sex than they have. It’s why places like Target do such great business, because their products look more expensive than they are.

So I would say that the average young couple has sex two or three times a week. I would also say that if you’re settling for average, maybe it’s time for a little gut check. Not like check to see if you are brave enough to strive for more, but check to see if you’re getting fat. That ruins everything.

(Ed. Note: The author’s girlfriend wonders if he has trouble counting. She thinks, perhaps, he forgot to include girl on top. The author apologizes for his poor math skills and would like to backtrack and claim that he was speaking in business weeks, not calendar weeks. For a calendar week, the frequency jumps to 8 or 9. We aren't very social.)

Sometimes I feel like you don’t update your blog enough. It makes me sad because there are so few things left to cherish in this rapidly disintegrating world, and your blog is one of them. Where can I go when I need . . . more?


God, this is so flattering. I don’t know what to say. Are you cute? I bet you are. You sound cute. Anyway, you’re in luck. Because if this isn’t enough, you can also find me here. However, if this is enough, you’re also in luck. Because this is the end.