Thursday, April 5, 2007

Busy As A Jew Who Is Addicted To TV And Can’t Write. THAT Busy.

I’m not going to insult your senses of humor and use the same old “Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, but I’ve been really busy with something important – not you” joke. The fact of the matter is, I have been busy. First it was the holidays, and let me just say I totally take it back: Being Jewish is hard. There’s no time to get your work done because you’re leaving work early, and then you travel to Jersey for dinner (on a weeknight!) and the meal lasts for about three hours. When my family celebrates holidays, they put a turkey and some macaroni on the table and it’s a free for all. The whole thing is done in twenty minutes with very little talking. Here though, there is reading and singing and hide and seek and bread is an entire course. It’s like Medieval Times. There’s even stuff on the table that you’re not supposed to eat – it’s only there for symbolism. It’s confusing and tiring but delicious at the same time. I was so tired when we got home that I got right into bed and passed out, and now I’ll have to wait an entire year for Passover sex, which I imagine must be great, what with the whole “celebrating your people’s emancipation from slavery” thing. Bummer.

Then, of course, there’s all this ‘other writing’ I’ve been doing. Which isn’t much, but let’s face it: I’m no professional writer. The most “professional” thing I ever wrote was a memo to my office asking everyone to please stop drinking my yogurt shakes. (Just because I brought in a twelve-pack doesn’t mean that I’m supplying the whole office.) Now people are asking me to write things and if I wrote all this stuff AND posted five days a week I would be writing like 4000 words a week. And I only know about 200 words. So I think until I get the hang of it and learn some new words, things may slow down here. But don’t worry – I won’t be shutting it down. This blog is like my mistress. No matter what directions I may be pulled in life, I will always call her when I am horny. Or maybe it’s more like my wife, and when my life gets more interesting I will ignore her, but not get divorced because then I would have to pay alimony, which is a fancy word for “a bill for having an ex-wife.” Whatever it is, I love it.

Speaking of loving things, I’ve also been busy with my iPod, because I finally figured out how to transfer shows from my TiVo to my iPod. I’ll give you a second to let that sink in. From TiVo . . . to iPod. It’s like being in love with a woman who is chained to your living room, and finally she is free and you can take here wherever you want. I’m not sure there is a proper way in which I can express how happy this makes me. If a madman kidnapped me and tied me to a chair and told me that I could choose, either he takes away my video iPod or he cuts off my hand, before answering him I would ask him if I would be allowed to make a video iPod replacement hand. I love it that much.