Monday, April 2, 2007

One of the Chosen Boys

For years I have been a minority in my office. A Gentile. Unchosen by God and shunned by my coworkers, I felt lonely, like I had no one to turn to, not even Christ because he was the one that got me in this mess in the first place.

It is the worst on Jewish holidays. Everyone milling about the office, talking about their plans to leave early. It was so obvious that I was uninvolved that I was literally asked to close up at the end of the day. It was understood that I would still be here, reading the Gospels and receiving the sacraments, long after everyone else had left.

But no more! Now I’ve got a Jew girlfriend, and she’s a ticket into the cool club. It’s like being in high school and now that I’ve stopped hanging with Jesus and started dating the head cheerleader, everyone wants a piece of me. Guys are stopping at my office, asking me what time I’m leaving. I tell them, “Around 3:00,” and they’re all, “Hey, stop by my office. I’ll walk out with you.” One guy even asked me what I was having for Seder. It was like that old commercial where the kid makes all these friends because his mom makes mac and cheese.

Basically, I’m having the best time being Jewish. I have no idea why they call themselves a tortured people. It’s like having a snow day for God, and everyone wants a ride on the sled of my eternal soul. And I would stick around and flush out that metaphor, but I’ve got to go. See you later, Catholic suckas!*

* This is not directed at you, Mom.