Friday, June 15, 2007

Oh. I Didn’t See You There.

You ever have one of those weeks where all of a sudden you wake up and it’s Friday and you’re like, “Huh? That went by fast.” Not just like you wake up and can’t believe it all happened so quickly, but like can’t believe it because you can’t remember the past four days? Because of all the meth? And as you put down the bottle of Jack and shoo the strange cat out of the bathroom all you can think is, “Man, I hope I didn’t blog anything stupid.” And then you’re relieved to find that you didn’t blog anything at all? Yeah. Me too.

So you see, sometimes it’s a good thing that I don’t keep up with stuff here. Because while this is supposed to be an accounting of my life, the bottom line is if it’s not amusing no one cares. And sometimes I just don’t feel funny. Sometimes I feel anxious, or sad, or unusual, or like a carebear. And carebears aren’t really witty, they’re just cheerful. Which isn’t all that interesting.

For example, here are a few posts I would have written this week:

Monday – Last Night My Girlfriend Hit On A Homosexual TV Star

SYNOPSIS: That’s about it.
EMOTION: Anxious

Tuesday – Why I Love My Staple Remover

SYNOPSIS: Because it’s tortoise shell, and not enough things are.
EMOTION: Anxious

Wednesday – I Had Donuts For Lunch Today

SYNOPSIS: They were delicious.

Thursday – Everyone Should Stop Making Fun of Cat Deely Because When We’re Married It Will Be Awkward

SYNOPSIS: She’s the host of “So You Think You Can Dance,” asshole.
EMOTION: Carebear

See? Why waste your time with 2,000 superfluous words? More importantly, why waste my precious emotional resources? A man shares only so much over the course of his life. While women may be renewable wellsprings of emotion and feeling, men are like small ponds. And as women and blog readers sip from them like deer in a forest, they are depleted until finally one day they are empty, which is the day you buy your first recliner.

Besides, I don’t know what sort of white rabbit we’re chasing anyway with all this writing and sharing. Take Rastus for example. Rastus is the guy on the Cream of Wheat Box. But Rastus is just a depiction of a real man, Frank “Irony” White, a chef who posed for the box way back in 1900 when Cream of Wheat was actually made solely by black men in hats named Rastus.

Then, in 1938, White passed away, a virtual unknown, with a blank gravestone. The man is on the Cream of Wheat box and he can’t even get a friggin “RIP, Rastus. Keep on creamin’ that wheat up in the Big Kitchen”? Finally, almost 70 years later, some guy named Jesse Lasorda started a campaign to get him a proper gravestone with an etching of the Cream of Wheat box on it.

My point being, if the goddamned face of Cream of Wheat can fade off into obscurity, even when it’s right there on the shelf next to the Farina kid’s face (whose name, by the way, no one knows – maybe it’s just a warm breakfast cereal curse?) then what’s the point of blogging? I like to aim all my actions at being remembered after I die, because let’s face it I’m into the “big picture” stuff. So if I have limited resources with which to entertain and an open-ended timeline for failure, why do I keep on trying?

And the answer is, this:


Blogger Mr. Shain said...

That is exactly why you have kids, so someone remembers you after your death. And in fact, the high cost of a funeral ensures your kids think about you ever time they pay down that $20,000 memorial service. It's a brilliant scheme really. Alternatively, to go for a larger market, you can hit and verbally abuse your kids so that their future therapists will also know you after your passing. The possibilities are endless.

June 15, 2007 at 7:34:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hee Hee - that was funny Mr. Shain!!

June 15, 2007 at 7:45:00 PM EDT  
Blogger dmbmeg said...

I like to think of my week as not complete unless I see balls coming at my face. Preferably canine balls.

Wait, what?

June 15, 2007 at 10:46:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Hiro said...

I'm mesmerized by that dalmation's cycling and oddly soothed by the frantic japanese chatter.

June 16, 2007 at 6:45:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Cupcake said...

Did anyone else find the playing of "Dixie" under the clip of the dog on the totcycle weirdly incogruous?

June 16, 2007 at 11:47:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dan said...

I guess you can teach a dog to ride a bike if his other option is becoming dinner.

-a different dan

June 17, 2007 at 1:39:00 PM EDT  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I'll be God-damned! That dog was riding a cotton-picken' bike!

June 17, 2007 at 11:06:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Annie said...

"ladies and gentlemen... your jidges!"

June 18, 2007 at 12:32:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dan said...

My heart melts a little every time I hear that.

June 18, 2007 at 12:45:00 PM EDT  
Blogger blythe said...

who's making fun of cat deeley? no way am i going to anger a woman who's 6'11" barefoot.

June 18, 2007 at 1:01:00 PM EDT  
Blogger mindy said...

I love So You Think You Can Dance more than I love my own mother, but Cat Deeley's mouth is just waaaay too animated when she talks. And it's huge. Sure, she's hot, but she's gotta tone down the mouth-moving.

June 18, 2007 at 1:57:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i missed you. you write real fine. aw, shucks.. stalker alert!

June 18, 2007 at 4:06:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jenni said...

The minute my dog hops on a bike and pedals down the street is the day I start cooking meth...Because that would have to be the only explanation for it.

And that whole being remembered after you die thing is just too depressing to think about. I mean give it three generations and we'll all be as significant as a fart in the wind.

Yes, even Ryan Seacrest.

June 20, 2007 at 12:38:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Backtalker said...


June 20, 2007 at 4:59:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Diva said...

no Q&A Friday?

June 22, 2007 at 6:12:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bet you already own a recliner.

June 25, 2007 at 7:29:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I periodically get hooked on this blog--particularly when it involves dalmatians on tricycles--and then when you don't post for a week and a half am consistently disappointed not to find updates. Come on, Dan! Young professionals with boring desk jobs are counting on you!

June 25, 2007 at 11:06:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous whatever said...

take this blog down already

June 26, 2007 at 6:58:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HEy where are you. Getting bored out here!!

June 27, 2007 at 10:48:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'm over looking at the Cream of Wheat guy. At least put up a picture of Puppy or Knut for your loyal readers who check your blog every day...

June 27, 2007 at 2:21:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous JamieLauren said...


Monday is my birthday. I know we don't know each other, "like that" but I would like one simple gift from you: A DAMN BLOG POST!

If not, you will be removed from my favorites. I'm sorry I had to be so harsh but it's only because I care. Believe me, this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.

June 28, 2007 at 10:28:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Ki Two said...

Hey, We miss you. Yes, the royal We. Misses you.

The word verification word is "smenita" which sounds like it might be a real word somewhere.

June 28, 2007 at 8:47:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

farewell, [redacted]. it's been fun.

June 29, 2007 at 3:01:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan, this is getting ridiculous. Please come back. Or at the very least let Brooke write for us. And take away the Cream of Wheat guy, I'm sick of looking at him.

June 29, 2007 at 11:34:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I'm a student. The only joy I get out of class is taking time to check out [redacted] and seriously, the Cream of Wheat guy just isn't cutting it anymore. Don't get me wrong, he's a handsome fella.

BUT COME ON. I'll remove you from my favorites too. That means the most excited links on there will be CNN and the preset link.

June 30, 2007 at 9:40:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, if you re-read the post I'm pretty sure he retired. What with all of that "fading into obscurity" talk and all. He just wasn't especially clear about it.

June 30, 2007 at 11:56:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come on Dan's a has been. He was much funnier on The Daily Dump. And this Brooke character...she should'nt be allowed to write for him. She's not very good.

July 3, 2007 at 12:16:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

According to his last post on travelistic, he's in Italy on vacation. He must be back in the end of the month, I guess. Let's keep hoping!

July 4, 2007 at 12:03:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Alison said...

Oh the tension!!

July 5, 2007 at 4:18:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Lily said...

Come baaaaaaaaaaaack!

July 8, 2007 at 12:08:00 AM EDT  
Blogger RevRee said...

I don't know you, but I kinda like you. Odd? yes

July 8, 2007 at 4:07:00 PM EDT  
Blogger BOB13 said...

If you REALLY want to be remembered for all posterity, you should contribute to the book project I'm publishing. No bullshit. It's called "Under the Radar: Bloggers I Love." I've been reading your stuff for months. Your comic genius deserves to be immortalized in print. You're too talented to be a Dilbert desk jockey forever!

July 9, 2007 at 6:58:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

come ON.
update your stupid blog.
i have nothing to read at work.

July 10, 2007 at 10:52:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Danny from Milwaukee said...

Whatever your next post is, you should post a picture of the Cream of Wheat guy in the upper left corner. Your readers that have been checking for the a new post for the last few weeks wouldn't notice and it would drive us all bonkers.

July 11, 2007 at 12:11:00 AM EDT  
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December 11, 2008 at 2:45:00 AM EST  

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