Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I Was Wrestling With My Emotions, But Then It Changed. It Felt Icky.

I was in Italy for the past two weeks. It is a country in Europe (the one shaped like the boot) where carbohydrates are a condiment and wine is drunk as though alcoholism were an old wives tale. I thought about posting something to the effect of “I’m going to be in Italy” before I left, but it seemed like bragging. Whereas saying, “I just got back from Italy” at least conveys a modicum of despair, like I might be sobbing while I write it, or at the very least drinking.

But to come back and see all these comments . . . it’s touching. Like the kind of touching that you don’t tell your parents about because you think it’s your own fault. But after years of drawing on yourself in pen you finally confide in a therapist and he calls it “progress” when deep down inside you’re like, “Progress? I shower with my underwear on, and you want to talk about progress?” Really, heartwarming. (Recommended Usage: Apply sarcasm only where necessary.)

Last night I was watching Double Impact, arguably Van Damme’s most ambitious film (twin brothers separated at birth – both played by Van Damme – must avenge their father’s death against wealthy businessmen AND the Chinese mafia, all while reconciling their newfound brotherhood with their markedly different stations in life). Unfortunately, it is also Van Damme’s worst film. Point being, I like to think of [redacted] as my Double Impact.* Sure, it doesn’t have the same level to dedication to craft or not-so-vaguely pornographic title, but all the hallmarks of a great metaphor are there, namely that that makes my previous blog Bloodsport, which is as close as I will ever get to fulfilling my childhood dream of fighting in the Kumite.

I may just be writing all this because I drink with lunch now, but if a blog is supposed to be a place where you unload all your deepest, darkest fears on to the public so that when you are found wandering the Jersey Turnpike barefoot and covered in an unidentifiable musky odor, people can go back and say, “There were warning signs all over his blog,” (and I think it is) then what’s the point of holding back? Think of it as a really scary journey that you take with a complete stranger, because the alternative is to actually get to know your co-workers.

Seriously though, Italy is like the opposite of my soul right now. It’s beautiful. Ask me about it (Italy, not my soul) and maybe I’ll elaborate. Perhaps in a Q&A Friday!

Oh, and what the fuck did the Cream of Wheat guy ever do to you? Besides cook up a delicious warm cereal? Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a good warm cereal? There’s only like five in existence. There are more flavors of hummus than there are warm cereals. Think about that.

* Note that this statement is not an admission of guilt, nor a promise of better writing in the future. Although more frequent bad writing is certainly a possibility.


Blogger NattyCAt said...

Here's a website you may find useful. is a site for friends, families, and those who suffer from various addictions.

July 11, 2007 at 2:08:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh happy day. welcome back Dan. sorry you've the post-vacation-what-the-hell-am-i-doing-with-my-life blues. they too shall pass..with enough cream of wheat.

July 11, 2007 at 2:16:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Law Girl said...

Welcome back Dan, we missed you!!!

July 11, 2007 at 2:30:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like Italy sucked.

July 11, 2007 at 2:44:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Holy Crap!" was the exclaimation I very nearly shouted out loud, which would have alerted my entire office that I was decidedly not doing what I'm paid to be doing.
Holy Crap! was immediately preceeded by the thought, "I'm sure its still that cream of wheat guy, but its was a shot."

Thanks Dan for keeping my expectations low enough that this rambling post that I didn't read well enough to understand brightened my day of dealing with loony co-workers.

July 11, 2007 at 3:21:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Midwestern Gal said...

Welcome back.

God, don't you just love anonymous?

Sorry, were kind of at war with him/her over here...

July 11, 2007 at 3:52:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Homeless Blogger said...

i havent even read the post yet. i was so happy to see you were back at it. i was already planning an "its been a month since my favorite blog posted anything and im going to kill myself" post. thank god dan. you saved my life.

July 11, 2007 at 4:31:00 PM EDT  
Blogger shorelinesue said...

Welcome back Dan! You have been missed. Please, do tell us all about your adventures in Italy - it's one of my favorite places and the furthest I'm going this summer is Disneyland (I live in CA.). Let us live vicariously through you!

July 11, 2007 at 4:34:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Why is it that everyone lately is going to Italy? Is it something the rest of Europe has done? Did Italy win some award, or start giving its underage countries wine (entirely possible, given that everyone in Italy drinks)? Has the Italy episode of the Simpsons been playing secretly while everyone sleeps, seducing everyone into going there? ("Vendetta!! Vendetta!!)

Whatever. I bite my nail at Italy (not really, Italy. don't hate me. I am only jealous.)

July 11, 2007 at 5:01:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Danny from Milwaukee said...

I think that Bloodsport was Bolo Yeung's best performace too. He was pretty forgettable in Double Impact. I've always thought of you and Bolo Yeung as two of a kind.

Who's Jean-Claude Van Dam?

July 11, 2007 at 5:48:00 PM EDT  
Blogger dmbmeg said...

one of these days I'm going to find you and kill you.

July 11, 2007 at 6:57:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Green said...

You're back! YAY! I was just thinking of you the other day, wondering what happened to you, and hoping you didn't get dumped by Brooke for accidentally putting Puppy in the oven or something.

July 11, 2007 at 7:28:00 PM EDT  
Blogger blythe said...

i bet someone that you'd be back. i also bet them that your return post would feature jean-claude van dam. but really, what else would it be about?

July 11, 2007 at 10:51:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Annie said...


That's the only Italian word I know besides "Prego," which means "spaghetti sauce." Welcome back to bloggingo.

July 12, 2007 at 12:26:00 AM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

You're back!!! Good because I was just wondering how I'd get through another day at the office. Who needs a therapist when you have Dan's ramblings?

July 12, 2007 at 1:28:00 AM EDT  
Blogger RevRee said...

Bloodsport is one of the best movies in the universe!

"You break my record, now I break you, like I break your friend"

July 12, 2007 at 2:50:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Jenni said...

Going from Italy to sitting at home watching a Van Dam film is just too depressing to even contemplate.

If I were to travel to Italy I am afraid I would never return.

July 12, 2007 at 10:52:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Mortarbored said...

I just found your blog recently. I'm glad it's not dead as I was starting to fear.

July 12, 2007 at 11:03:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do we get to see any cool pictures from your trip? and Welcome back things just arent the same without you?

July 12, 2007 at 2:12:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

mmmm wine with lunch.

July 12, 2007 at 2:13:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Ki Two said...

Wow, Dan, good timing. I was finally setting up my iGoogle page with a feed to your blog because I was sick and tired (yes, both) of coming to your blog every day or so and getting that big "Haha, gotcha! No new post here!" grin from the Cream of Wheat guy. I like the guy, I really do, but it was sad to see his happy smile when there was no new post to accompany it. As soon as I set up your feed I noticed there was something above the "Oh. I Didn't See You There."

Glad to have you back.

July 12, 2007 at 9:37:00 PM EDT  
Blogger abuelita said...

Hi Dan! I really like your blog. I just got back from Italy, too... did you notice a proliferation of mullets on both the ladies and the gents? Maybe it was just the trend in Rome, but I like to believe that Italy is a vague mass of mullet-sporting people drinking wine. Attractive, though.

July 13, 2007 at 5:56:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Nightmare said...

If only they would cook the pasta in the booze!

July 13, 2007 at 8:49:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The fourteen people you travelled with are in the same funk as you are. Wine, pecorino cheese and no cell phones....the way life should be.

July 13, 2007 at 8:54:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous genevieve said...

like everyone else, i love you. i heart your writing style. i heart your posts. and i really need to remember to read your blog more often. i feel like something important is missing from my life when i don't read your blog.
hell, you inspired me to start my old one (last stop suburbia/

i'm jealous you got to go to Europe. my question is, how much did you have save & plan for this? did you stay in hostels or hotels? did you spend loads or could you do it on the cheap?
okay. that is more than 1 question. i'd email you all my questions but my work sucks & has blocked personal emails & i srsly can't see the likelihood of me getting on the internet much when i'm at home, relaxing my keyboard- worn fingers.

July 13, 2007 at 11:50:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Lily said...

You get to like Italy, lucky you. I used to live in Italy and am married to an Italian who came complete with a scary mother-in-law and four older, even scarier(mullets not withstanding) sisters who all smoke about 10 packs a day. You know the skit on SNL with Versace? It's like that without all the pleasantries.

July 13, 2007 at 1:27:00 PM EDT  
Blogger The Ambiguous Blob said...

It's amazing that you narrowed Van Damme's films down to only one worst. There are so many to choose from. But with it being two of him played by one of him- I can totally understand your decision and support it fully.

July 13, 2007 at 6:47:00 PM EDT  

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