Monday, July 23, 2007

I’m Starting to Think New York Is A Dick


You know that feeling you’re supposed to get when you come back from vacation? The one that is a mix of sadness and relief – sadness because you are back in a world where you have responsibilities that go beyond “moving away from the crowd when you pee in the ocean,” yet relief because you are back where surroundings are familiar and the TV channels aren’t all mixed up? Yeah, well I’m not getting that lately.

I flew back into New York this morning after spending the weekend with Brooke in Wilmington, NC.* A brief summary of Wilmington: It’s not even like a town they make movies about. They make movies about making movies about towns like this. (State and Main? Anyone? “Who designed these costumes? It looks like Edith Head puked, and that puke designed these costumes.” Great movie.) Long story short, if Wilmington had tits and a vagina I might get drunk on gin and make a huge mistake with it.

So it was hard to leave. Doubly hard because After a spate of storms across the Eastern seaboard screwed up our travel plans last week, we ended up shifting everything around, and after calling 20 different people for four different reservations, the dust settled and we were on a 6:30AM flight back to LaGuardia Airport. Do you have any idea how early you have to wake up to make a 6:30 flight? Or more correctly, how late you have to stay awake to make a 6:30 flight? I’m so tired right now I don’t remember eating lunch. It was like lunch was a dream – a really good one, with pizza and ghosts and naked girls. Hell, I’m so tired right now that I’m still writing this paragraph. I’m not even sure I have a blog. I also smell really bad because I came directly from the airport to work in clothes that aren’t exactly recently unworn. Plus I slept on the plane and you know how a person gets warm and smelly when they sleep. Literally, I’m typing anything that comes into my head. I hate Kelly Clarkson. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I HATED KELLY CLARKSON UNTIL I JUST WROTE THAT.

Anyway, like I was saying, usually when I get back from vacations, there is at least a hint of “it’s good to be home.” But sometimes in New York you come home and instead of “It’s good to be back,” it’s more like “What’s that smell?” or “Why are you stabbing me?” Whereas I used to find it charming (“I’m being stabbed! In New York! How cool!”), it’s just wearing on me now. I mean, in Wilmington you walk along the street and people say hello to you or sometimes even “Good evening,” which, in 2007, is the linguistic equivalent of a reach around. But then I get home today and I walk to the pizza place and no one says a word to me. Not a “Hey” or a “How’s it going?” or even a smile. One guy even spit on me. In all fairness to him, I think he was trying to spit on the person behind me, but the point is why are you spitting on people? It doesn’t have to be that way.

Also, I say Hairspray while I was gone. Here is my one-line review: John Travolta should always play a woman, and that woman should always kiss Christopher Walken.

* It’s only narrowly a red state, and I promise Wilmington is one of the bluer cities. I mean, there was a kid performing acoustic Radiohead at the diner where we had breakfast. It doesn’t get much bluer than that, in both senses of the word.


Blogger elizabath said...

also: everything is cheaper in smallish towns
houses, rent, food
cost of living decrease = excellence

July 23, 2007 at 5:33:00 PM EDT  
Blogger (Tim Layne) the Homeless Blogger said...

Could Johnny sometimes cheat on Chris with Ving Rames? I'm pretty sure it would be hotter. Who doesn't like bi-racial man love?

July 23, 2007 at 5:50:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Leezer said...

I'm thinking of the movie "Doc Hollywood" when I read this post (Micheal J Fox finds himself in small town and falls in love with small-town girl who teaches him that the fast-track to prestige isn't what he wants). Was it like that?

I didnt know you're supposed to move away when you pee in the ocean!

July 23, 2007 at 6:52:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Ki Two said...

Well, that destroys the fantasy I had about you singing "Since You've Been Gone" in the shower.

July 23, 2007 at 9:15:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Green said...

You went to Dawson's Creek! After the damn show ended! Sorry you're not happy to be home. But think of it this way - you went to get pizza. And what did you get, aside from spit on your already smelly clothes? Good pizza!

I can't get good pizza where I live. Therefore just shut up and enjoy your pizza and stop whining about being home. At least you've got good pizza at home.

July 23, 2007 at 11:40:00 PM EDT  
Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Good blog, sir.

Sorry I spit on you, but I was trying to spit on the guy who took my slice of pizza.

July 24, 2007 at 1:03:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan, the way you feel now is reminisce of my alternating surrounds in college. I attended a bible college for a while and the campus is known to us who grew up in the political side of church (plus a small time/years in CA) as “the bubble.” Everyone is nice to each other, even though you don’t know them and you always receive a smile or hello on the pass by. It would take me about a week to adjust to life in college and when visiting the hometown for the summer/vacations. “Oh right, here everyone smiles.” Or “Why is everyone looking at me like a freak, oh right, we aren’t faking pleasantness to each other in this environment.” It was horrible and I am so glad I am passed that assimilation stage!
Shyia, Washington State

July 24, 2007 at 9:33:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Mmm... Wilmington has the best ice cream store. I can't tell you its name or location, all I can tell you is that it's near Wrightsville Beach and that they must have created waffle bowls, because they had them when I was like 4. Sigh. I miss going to Wilmington. Maybe I should actually not be a horrible granddaughter and go visit my grandma.

July 24, 2007 at 10:08:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great! Leave NYC and move to London with me and Nick! While technically still a city, maybe the newness (and the accents!) will be exciting enough to keep you in city life for a couple more years. After that, you'll be all ready to settle down with a house and some kids in the suburbs.

July 24, 2007 at 11:49:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, that was just spit on your shirt? Never mind what I said about you last night. XO

July 24, 2007 at 1:00:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said... this supposed to be a witty and entertaining blog? Well it at least explains why you're a blogger and not a real writer...

July 24, 2007 at 4:45:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Last Anonymous,

Sorry to hear that you're such a bitter old whore.

Feel better.

July 24, 2007 at 5:28:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

You are making my upcoming, first time evar! trip to NY sound not so "fun"

July 24, 2007 at 5:53:00 PM EDT  
Blogger AMR said...

Thank you for writing a new post. Your Million Dollar Idea #3 is brilliant but I found the photo of the greyish/white boy with wolves hugely spooky.

July 25, 2007 at 3:39:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jenni said...

The movie "Funny Farm" comes to mind...You know the one with Chevy Chase and that one lady...the one that was only ever in "Funny Farm?"

P.S. Is Radiohead for breakfast a cure for morningwood?


July 25, 2007 at 6:27:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear person that told me to feel better,

whatever jew say!

July 26, 2007 at 2:35:00 PM EDT  
Blogger last free exit said...

"So...that happened."

In addition to winning my undying love and respect by mentioning State and Main, this post made me snort at least three times - embarrassing when my office door is open. Your bitterness makes you even funnier.

July 26, 2007 at 2:37:00 PM EDT  
Blogger RevRee said...

Seriously, who spits on someone?

You should have spit back!


July 26, 2007 at 3:06:00 PM EDT  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home