Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Million Dollar Idea #3

I was on the subway yesterday pretending to read a book while listening to the conversation between a man and a woman next to me when the woman slyly pointed at two young kids who were playing tag around a pole in the middle of the car. As they swung around giggling and occasionally knocking into people’s legs, the woman commented, “Look at these kids. It’s like they were raised by a pack of wolves.”

Now it just so happens that the other night, plagued by the dearth of quality TV shows in the summer, I was watching a nature show on wolves. And you know what? Wolves are getting a really raw deal with this commonly used expression. A wolf pack is actually a very organized, stable environment in which to be raised. I mean, these kids playing tag were unruly. They lacked structure and discipline. I don’t even know where their parents were. For all I know they were orphans celebrating that they just escaped from their foster home. The point is, they were obviously going to grow up to use drugs and steal other people’s property. Do you think that would fly in a wolf pack? Hell no! Do you know what happens if you steal something from a wolf? It kills you. That’s discipline.

That’s when it hit me: Million Dollar Idea #3 . . . “The Wolf Pack Adoption Agency” (Potential slogan: “Where you only need to cry wolf once.”)

Here’s how it works: A crackwhore in middle America gets pregnant to avoid incarceration on impending prostitution charges. She can’t afford to terminate the pregnancy (follow my logic here) so she carries the baby to term. Miraculously, it is mostly unharmed by the rampant invetro drug abuse. Once she has the baby, she puts it up for adoption, but no one will take it, because she was too lazy to take him to the adoption agency and now he is seven and likes to play with fire. So here, normally, the baby would go into the foster care system.

But now, thanks to the lucrative deal inked between an overburdened Child Protective Services and “Wolf Pack Adoption Agency,” the child gets placed with a wolf pack. There it learns the discipline and responsibility it needs to survive, such as how to properly take on a submissive stance when threatened by the Alpha Wolf, or how not to get kicked by a Caribou when out on a hunt. Critics may point out that many children will be killed during the initial testing of the program, but I’ll remind you that until only recently, the grey wolf was actually nearing endangerment. So it’s a win for conservationists, a win for state government, and a win for corporate innovation.

See Also:
Million Dollar Idea #2
Million Dollar Idea #1


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're totally missing out on the opportunity to make this a reality TV show as well.

July 18, 2007 at 3:38:00 PM EDT  
Blogger (Tim Layne) the Homeless Blogger said...

I actually was raised by a pack of wolves. It's still hard for me to go out in public without pissing on a hobo or killing my lunch with my mouth. Wait, maybe they were just republicans. Who can tell these days.

July 18, 2007 at 4:21:00 PM EDT  
Blogger /\ said...

wait, a whore gives her child up for adoption, who then goes on to grow long hair and a beard, and then leads a righteous life? isn't this concept already covered in the bible? or am i thinking of that howie mandel* flick?

*or brendan frasier, depending on the demographic.

July 18, 2007 at 10:53:00 PM EDT  
Blogger blythe said...

man, you'd better move on this soon so nicole richie's spawn has the chance at a future.

July 18, 2007 at 10:57:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

OOOOh I love this idea. I was thinking of spending my future spawn to boarding school so that I wouldn't have to teach them things like manners, but this sounds so much better. Could I readopt my kids after sending them to the Wolf Pack Adoption Agency?

July 19, 2007 at 1:07:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Alison said...

This is rather sci-fi of you, Dan. Could it be because you're DAVID TENNANT's LONG LOST SON??!!!

Don't deny it.

July 19, 2007 at 3:41:00 AM EDT  
Blogger [mother] said...

I'm grateful you didn't liken your upbringing to a wolf pack.

It's the little things that make my day.

July 19, 2007 at 8:53:00 AM EDT  
Blogger CJ said...

The only potential problem I see is with the paper work... adoption calls for a lot of it... and wolves don't peg me as a breed that would have the patience for it... and there's the whole "not having thumbs" thing.
But, fuck that, who am I to nay-say? Go... prosper in child to wolfpack adoption...

July 19, 2007 at 10:43:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A big big cheers to Alison for the David Tennant reference. Doctor Who?

July 19, 2007 at 12:00:00 PM EDT  
Blogger RevRee said...

If David Tennant were in it as the host or something, I'd watch!

God, that man is HOT!!

July 19, 2007 at 2:45:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Leezer said...

Farley Mowat.

July 19, 2007 at 3:46:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous mad scientist said...

Did you mean "in utero" for "in vetro [sic]?

In utero: Latin term literally meaning "in the uterus". It is used in biology to describe the state of an embryo or fetus.

In vitro: (Latin: (with)in the glass) refers to the technique of performing a given experiment in a test tube, or, generally, in a controlled environment outside a living organism. In vitro fertilization is a well-known example of this.

in vivo: (Latin: (with)in the living) means that which takes place inside an organism. In science, in vivo refers to experimentation done in or on the living tissue of a whole, living organism as opposed to a partial or dead one. Animal testing and clinical trials are forms of in vivo research.

I know, I know. I am a pain in the ass, but I work in zee field.

July 19, 2007 at 6:26:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i. love. your. mother.

that is all.

July 20, 2007 at 3:51:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This sounds like that show on animal planet (or is it discovery channel?) about the man who went to live with wolves, for real. Perhaps the grossest part was when he ate the raw intestines of some roadkill in the forest to prove his dominance or some shit. Since that man's wife and children left him when he started this little project (would've LOVED to see those divorce papers!), your adoption agency could be his chance at a 2nd family. I smell cross-over...for sweeps week perhaps!

July 20, 2007 at 7:20:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Alison said...

Thanks for the props of the link peeps! What's more curious is Dan's distinct avoidance of the question...

July 25, 2007 at 5:26:00 AM EDT  

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