I was on the subway yesterday pretending to read a book while listening to the conversation between a man and a woman next to me when the woman slyly pointed at two young kids who were playing tag around a pole in the middle of the car. As they swung around giggling and occasionally knocking into people’s legs, the woman commented, “Look at these kids. It’s like they were raised by a pack of wolves.”
Now it just so happens that the other night, plagued by the dearth of quality TV shows in the summer, I was watching a nature show on wolves. And you know what? Wolves are getting a really raw deal with this commonly used expression. A wolf pack is actually a very organized, stable environment in which to be raised. I mean, these kids playing tag were unruly. They lacked structure and discipline. I don’t even know where their parents were. For all I know they were orphans celebrating that they just escaped from their foster home. The point is, they were obviously going to grow up to use drugs and steal other people’s property. Do you think that would fly in a wolf pack? Hell no! Do you know what happens if you steal something from a wolf? It kills you. That’s discipline.
That’s when it hit me: Million Dollar Idea #3 . . . “The Wolf Pack Adoption Agency” (Potential slogan: “Where you only need to cry wolf once.”)
Here’s how it works: A crackwhore in middle America gets pregnant to avoid incarceration on impending prostitution charges. She can’t afford to terminate the pregnancy (follow my logic here) so she carries the baby to term. Miraculously, it is mostly unharmed by the rampant invetro drug abuse. Once she has the baby, she puts it up for adoption, but no one will take it, because she was too lazy to take him to the adoption agency and now he is seven and likes to play with fire. So here, normally, the baby would go into the foster care system.
But now, thanks to the lucrative deal inked between an overburdened Child Protective Services and “Wolf Pack Adoption Agency,” the child gets placed with a wolf pack. There it learns the discipline and responsibility it needs to survive, such as how to properly take on a submissive stance when threatened by the Alpha Wolf, or how not to get kicked by a Caribou when out on a hunt. Critics may point out that many children will be killed during the initial testing of the program, but I’ll remind you that until only recently, the grey wolf was actually nearing endangerment. So it’s a win for conservationists, a win for state government, and a win for corporate innovation.