A few days ago, I wrote a post about how I’d been tricked into doing an interview for a website. When I received the invitation in my email, I thought, “This is it. After years and years, I’ve finally made it.” I imagined sitting down in a restaurant, eating a comped meal while a reporter asked me questions about my childhood. I knew that I would well up when discussing the death of my first chameleon, Cammy. But I understand that that’s the price of fame.
Well, I don’t need to remind you what went wrong. They hoodwinked me. It wasn’t an interview, it was a questionnaire. A questionnaire designed to make people like them, not me. And worse? It’s a contest. It’s like being a lonely little dog with a respectable amount of writing talent who is picked up off the side of the road by people who say, “Oh, you’re so cute!” and “Oh, let me scratch your belly!” Then suddenly you’re at Michael Vick’s house and none of the other dogs seem to like you very much.
Well you know what? I’m no quitter. Life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Life gives you an unexpected blog popularity contest, you make a large cup of coffee. And then you drink it while you pound out a post asking for help.
I need your votes. Currently, I am in fourth place, almost 200 votes behind the leader. This is, by all estimations, an insurmountable lead.
Well I’ve never believed in estimations.
My grandmother once said, “As long as you’re alive, you’ve got a chance.” I don’t know what she was referring to exactly, because when she said it I was in the fourth grade and studying for a math test. Maybe my grandmother was a little senile. All the more reason why I need to win. Not for the money – no, I’m doing it for something more important than money: Pride. Pride in money. I want to be proud that I’ve won money.
And think about it: You have a chance here to be involved in something special. Everyone loves an underdog story. Hello, Seabiscuit? Braveheart?
Come on everyone, say it with me now:
I’m doing an on-the-fly Q&A Friday to shill for votes. This is me at my lowest. I hope all of you are happy.
A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of $50s out of his wallet. He turns to the rich man and says, "I have an amazing talent. I know almost every song that has ever existed!"
The rich man laughs.
The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it." The rich man laughs again and says, "Okay, how about my daughter's name? Joanna Armstrong-Miller?"
The rich man goes home poor. The poor man goes home rich.
What song did he sing?
This is a though one. At first I thought of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s classic his “Joana Miller Loves My LSD,” but clearly that’s missing the “Armstrong” portion of the name. The real question is, What’s a rich man doing talking to a poor man? What is this, a psalm? There’s a reason people make money and that’s so they don’t have to talk to people that don’t make money. WHICH IS WHY I NEED THIS MONEY!
If I had to take a guess though I would say that the poor man sang a timeless classic: “Happy Birthday.” Because you can use any name you want in “Happy Birthday.” You get it? It’s a con. Because that’s what poor people do – they con you out of your money. which is why I only give money to people who sing on the subway, because music is pure.
I just clicked on the link to vote for you and this came up:
You have been suspected of cheating the voting system. Please email firstname.lastname@example.org to be allowed to vote again.
You know in the movies when a scrapy bunch of kids need to raise money to take part in some contest in Connecticut? So they organize a car wash? And they learn to have fun while banding together to achieve a goal? And all the while, some stodgy tight-ass from the "rules" committee stands by with a clipboard? And when the kids wash the last car and rejoice that they have done it, they have raised enough money to enter the Connecticut contest, the judge looks at his watch and says, "Owww, sorry kids. The deadline for payment was two minutes ago"?
Well that's what's going on here.