Tuesday, September 4, 2007

“E” For Effort

absolut redactedTwo things occurred to me after I posted my plea for help on Friday:

1. I posted a plea for help. To win a blogularity contest. I’ve done some really pathetic things in life (in college, I faked being sick so my girlfriend would buy me take out, twice) so I can’t say that I’m ashamed of myself. Shame at this point may require something on par with a roofie or a photoshopped STD test result. But still…

2. It was the Friday before Labor Day weekend. If “work” was the largest religion in the world, then Friday was its Christmas Eve. Having blogged for a long time, I have noticed patterns: More people read in the winter (when there is less to do) even though more people write in the summer (because there is more to write about). But no one cares about blogs on the Friday before Labor Day.

YET, you all managed to produce an overwhelming turnout worthy of a much praise and adulation. In that one day I skyrocketed from fourth (with about 178 votes) to second (with nearly 300). For a guy who ate his lunch in the library in high school because he had no friends, that’s pretty impressive.

(Positive note to less popular readers: It can happen to you, too! But only if you get contact lenses!)

Thanks to you, I won the second place prize: $35.* It doesn’t have that whole number ring to it like $50 does, but let’s just say I wouldn’t kick $35 out of bed. The biggest problem is that, because I like to buy my happiness vodka in bulk, it means I’m falling just short of 1 liter Ketel One territory. (What can I say? I like it to last more than one night.) So I guess I’m stuck with Svedka. Luckily, in a blind taste test respondents noted that both vodkas made you “happier” and “less aware of your unhappiness.” And that’s what matters.

Plus, while doing an internet search of online liquor stores (to see if I could stretch my $35 into at least Stoli) I came across a website proposing this genius idea: Run your cheap vodka through a Brita filter to drastically alter it’s taste, making it smoother and more palatable.

A younger me would shake his head at this older me saying, “You snob.” But the older me would counter with, “Just you wait, you little punk. Wait until you’ve been working for a few years, every day of every week. Trying to make ends meet while eating pizza and chasing your dreams. But with every step forward there’s three steps back until one day you find yourself in a bodega shaking your head at the price of milk. And the only thing that deflates the aching vice in your chest is a long conversation with your best friend in the world, vodka tonic. But it’s already 10:00 because the line for the fly machine at the gym was five deep and you can’t stand one more hangover from all the goddamn impurities Absolut claims to have filtered from their vodka but clearly just left in there to rot a hole in you soul.” (I’ve become talkative with age.)

Now, I don’t know if this works. There seems to be a strong online debate between cheap drunks as to the effectiveness of the procedure. But I plan on giving it a shot to see if it works. Clearly if it does this would revolutionize my life. I imagine keeping two Britas in my refrigerator, one for water and one for vodka, neither labeled. And then if I happen to pour myself a large glass of vodka at 10:00 in the morning, I’m not a depraved alcoholic. I’m a victim of a terrible mix up. I’m accidentally drinking a glass of vodka at 10:00 in the morning. Throw in a litter of golden retriever puppies and this is literally a dream come true.

* For all the jokes I’ve made at the expense of bloginterviewer.com, I can’t ignore the fact that this morning there was a note in my inbox from PayPal saying that I received $35 from bloginterviewer.com. In other words, they are a legit site. Sure, maybe they’re not doing God’s work with their profiles and contests and pop-up advertisements, but if I got one new reader from them, and I can help that one new reader, then it’s all worth it. Up to a $35 limit, of course.


Blogger Danielle said...

I am sad that we did not get you first place, HOWEVER, as this has forced you to discover you can filter vodka through a Brita to make it better, I am excited. This could be world changing!

September 4, 2007 at 3:42:00 PM EDT  
Blogger [mother] said...

I don't care how many votes anybody got - you are number one!!

September 4, 2007 at 4:07:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Filtering through a Brita DOES make it taste better! I've tried it with the lowest of the low (a.k.a. Barton's) and afterward it was pretty good... not "special occasion" good, but definitely more palatable.

September 4, 2007 at 4:58:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Leezer said...

Mabye bloginterviewer.com is running a scam to hack into your Paypal account info. Either way, $35 is better than a refrigerator magnet.

September 4, 2007 at 5:34:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Mike said...


No scam...we're a good website.

Enjoy your prize money, Dan.

Blog Interviewer

September 4, 2007 at 6:27:00 PM EDT  
Blogger paisley said...

well.... you got me....

September 4, 2007 at 8:48:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

The only time I care about the quality is when I am making a dirtay martini, if I am going to just mix it with tonic? Gordon's will do.

September 4, 2007 at 10:24:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hopefully you can sleep more soundly knowing that all your fans will blindly jump off that cliff at your plea. It's no sleeping diagonal in the bed, but the power trip is probably the next best thing to a restful night. Shyia

September 4, 2007 at 10:31:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sid said...

Congrats. Who won by the way? I think that maybe I should start reading his/her blog on a daily basis.

September 5, 2007 at 1:19:00 AM EDT  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

where do you come up with this shit...honestly? My blog is not even half as witty as yours lol

September 5, 2007 at 3:15:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Joy said...

As a science nerd who has actually conducted "research" on the subject of Brita-filtered vodka (hey, research is research.. whether in the lab or on your couch, right?), I can tell you that in blind taste test, filtered vodka (we used Taaka) matched up almost equally with it's top-shelf comrades. HOWEVER, for best filtration, you can really only use each Brita filter once... which really cuts on the the cost-efficiency of the "cheap vodka to liquid gold" plan. So, experiment away, but it's almost easier to save the Brita bucks and just buy the good stuff from the get-go!

September 5, 2007 at 9:55:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous kelly said...

Just wanted to let you know you may want to rethink the whole non label on the Brita containers. As someone who fell victim to drinking from a Poland Spring bottle full of vodka by accident. it was very unpleasant because i was really thirsty and it wasn't until i was about two chugs in that i realized it wasn't water. i was very sad. but also very young so maybe i would change my mind now.

September 5, 2007 at 12:25:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From a POPULAR GIRL who ate her lunch at the POPULAR table surrounded by disgustingly beautiful people, staring wistfully at the library door, hoping that THE NERD notices her..


September 5, 2007 at 2:07:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

I saw on Myth Busters using Brita filters does nothing. A part of my soul died that day knowing I'd never have the luxury of cheating the system.

September 5, 2007 at 3:51:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't believe everything you see on TV. Reality shows are the greatest scam. Shyia

September 5, 2007 at 10:12:00 PM EDT  
Blogger margaret said...

have you ever heard of vodkastick?


genius. i may or may not own one.

September 6, 2007 at 12:13:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

Sid, I won. But only because dan started begging too late. If he started a week earlier, he probably would have won.

And yes, you should start reading my blog on a daily basis. That means, of course, that you'll be reading the same thing over and over since I only post once or twice a week, but the archives are pretty extensive.

September 7, 2007 at 8:57:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Jayne said...

Haha... I found you through BlogInterviewer, and I'm very cool, so there ya go.

First time here and I'm laughing out loud. Love the blog, AND the way you spell backyard. So there.

September 15, 2007 at 10:15:00 AM EDT  

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