1. I posted a plea for help. To win a blogularity contest. I’ve done some really pathetic things in life (in college, I faked being sick so my girlfriend would buy me take out, twice) so I can’t say that I’m ashamed of myself. Shame at this point may require something on par with a roofie or a photoshopped
2. It was the Friday before Labor Day weekend. If “work” was the largest religion in the world, then Friday was its Christmas Eve. Having blogged for a long time, I have noticed patterns: More people read in the winter (when there is less to do) even though more people write in the summer (because there is more to write about). But no one cares about blogs on the Friday before Labor Day.
YET, you all managed to produce an overwhelming turnout worthy of a much praise and adulation. In that one day I skyrocketed from fourth (with about 178 votes) to second (with nearly 300). For a guy who ate his lunch in the library in high school because he had no friends, that’s pretty impressive.
(Positive note to less popular readers: It can happen to you, too! But only if you get contact lenses!)
Thanks to you, I won the second place prize: $35.* It doesn’t have that whole number ring to it like $50 does, but let’s just say I wouldn’t kick $35 out of bed. The biggest problem is that, because I like to buy my
happiness vodka in bulk, it means I’m falling just short of 1 liter Ketel One territory. (What can I say? I like it to last more than one night.) So I guess I’m stuck with Svedka. Luckily, in a blind taste test respondents noted that both vodkas made you “happier” and “less aware of your unhappiness.” And that’s what matters.
Plus, while doing an internet search of online liquor stores (to see if I could stretch my $35 into at least Stoli) I came across a website proposing this genius idea: Run your cheap vodka through a Brita filter to drastically alter it’s taste, making it smoother and more palatable.
A younger me would shake his head at this older me saying, “You snob.” But the older me would counter with, “Just you wait, you little punk. Wait until you’ve been working for a few years, every day of every week. Trying to make ends meet while eating pizza and chasing your dreams. But with every step forward there’s three steps back until one day you find yourself in a bodega shaking your head at the price of milk. And the only thing that deflates the aching vice in your chest is a long conversation with your best friend in the world, vodka tonic. But it’s already 10:00 because the line for the fly machine at the gym was five deep and you can’t stand one more hangover from all the goddamn impurities Absolut claims to have filtered from their vodka but clearly just left in there to rot a hole in you soul.” (I’ve become talkative with age.)
Now, I don’t know if this works. There seems to be a strong online debate between cheap drunks as to the effectiveness of the procedure. But I plan on giving it a shot to see if it works. Clearly if it does this would revolutionize my life. I imagine keeping two Britas in my refrigerator, one for water and one for vodka, neither labeled. And then if I happen to pour myself a large glass of vodka at 10:00 in the morning, I’m not a depraved alcoholic. I’m a victim of a terrible mix up. I’m accidentally drinking a glass of vodka at 10:00 in the morning. Throw in a litter of golden retriever puppies and this is literally a dream come true.
* For all the jokes I’ve made at the expense of bloginterviewer.com, I can’t ignore the fact that this morning there was a note in my inbox from PayPal saying that I received $35 from bloginterviewer.com. In other words, they are a legit site. Sure, maybe they’re not doing God’s work with their profiles and contests and pop-up advertisements, but if I got one new reader from them, and I can help that one new reader, then it’s all worth it. Up to a $35 limit, of course.