Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I’m Not Sure I Agree With This


While reading my gmail today, I noticed one of the adds on the side for a product called the “Grumpy Girl Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit.” As you might be able to infer, it is a kit full of tools for a girl who is irritable because a bird just shit on her car. It retails for $31.95 and includes the following:


Here’s my problem: I get that there is a market for this product. Some might even call it a need. Fact: Birds poop. Fact: Sometimes it lands on your car. No questions about it. But what I want to know is, Who is buying this? Who is the consumer for what amounts to the Roles Royce of bird poop cleaning kits? Kids maybe? I don’t know. Like when a twelve year old buys his dad a shoe shine kit on Christmas, maybe he’ll buy his mom the Grumpy Girl Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit? I just don’t see it happening. I don’t see the demand for such a product being met adequately by this product. And here’s why: Because for centuries this product has already existed. It goes by many names: Rain, the guy who washes my car, paper towels. But at the core it is all the same. Just like shit happens, so does cleaning.

So in an effort to help out people who might not want to shell out $31.95 for a poop cleaning kit (plus shipping and handling!) I have devised a way to get the same results for a fraction of the cost using everyday items you will already find in your car.

Step #1: Bird poops on car.

bird poop on car

Boy, that’s a big bird.

Step #2: Assess the damage.


Yep, looks like the bird did, in fact, poop on your car.

Step #3: Get a cleaning agent.

The Grumpy Girl Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit comes with water, windshield cleaner, and wax. I’m here to tell you this is overkill. Animals in the wild have been crapped on for centuries. Yet whenever we see a lion in the wilderness, we don’t say, “Why is he covered in bird shit?” That’s because he uses his resourcefulness to clean himself. Just like we will here.

Here are some fluids you might have handy in your car:




Diet Coke


Gasoline (via siphon)


Grande Soy Latte

Ding ding ding! We have a winner. The combination of the warmth and liquidity of the Starbucks drink will help emulsify the poop and wash it away.

Step #4: Find a cleaning wipe.


Well, you have your Starbucks, right? And you’re not a heathen, right? So you have some napkins? SO SIMPLE, YET SO CLEVER.

Step #5: Begin to clean.

Start by pouring the warm coffee drink onto the poop. Then apply the napkins, rubbing in a circular motion. Depending on varying factors such as duration of poop on car, temperature and driving speed, the poop may have hardened significantly by now, even to the point of fraying the napkin. The solution?


No, not a $31.95 “shop towel.” How about that protective sleeve around your latte. You know, the durable yet flexible cardboard band you conveniently discarded not realizing that you had the perfect scraping device right in the palm of your hand? Oh yeah, that one.

Alternate scraping, wiping, adding additional warm coffee drink as needed.

Step #6: Rinse and buff.

After the spot has been removed, pour some water over the area. If you do not have any water with you, pour some additional coffee on the area.

Don’t be fooled by fancy buffing kits such as the one included in the Grumpy Girl Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit. Everyone knows that the best natural buffer out there is the human breath. Full of moisture and cells, your breath will do just as good a job as any expensive polish. Simply exhale warm breath onto the cleansed area (being careful not to get too close, there was shit there after all) and then wipe quickly with a dry napkin. Voila! The shit is gone, but your $31.95 plus shipping and handling isn’t.

And the real joy? That you’re not supporting a company whose motto is “Because Everything is Cute Until It Poops.” (Ed. Note: That’s not the company’s motto.) Are you telling me that nothing that poops is cute? Babies aren’t cute? Is this what they’re trying to say? Once something poops, it is immediately rendered ugly? I think that’s discrimination. Poop discrimination. And I, for one, know it to be false. I know because I’ve actually picked up his poop. and guess what? STILL CUTE, ASSHOLES.


Blogger kismetic said...

That's not even what "emulsify" means, Dan.

This gives me hope that there is a market for my Tide to Go Couture pen ($79.95). For the time you got too drunk at the Diddy's afterparty.

September 26, 2007 at 4:03:00 PM EDT  
Blogger [mother] said...

I actually think it would be a great gift for your sister for Christmas.

September 26, 2007 at 4:06:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dan said...

Way to ruin the whole post, Ma.

September 26, 2007 at 4:09:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This. Post. Blows.

I would like to read more about Puppy.

September 26, 2007 at 4:24:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Green said...

I too would like reading more Puppy stories, however, I did not think this post blew, though I did think your [mother] really pulled it all together.

You should half-listen to your [mother] and put together a bird turd kit for your [sister] that's comprised of a shoebox with some free paper towels stolen from work and a Poland Spring bottle filled with sink water. You're still young enough to score points on creativity for gifts, unlike me. Exploit it while you can!

September 26, 2007 at 5:50:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome that you included Diet Coke in the car items! Oh Yeah! :) Also, babies are not cute, no matter how much they giggle. What would be cute is if they would stop whining and become productive in society! Shyia

September 26, 2007 at 6:04:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What, no mention of The Sh*! Kit, the male equivalent of this product, complete with *even more stuff* to clean your car? I know it is bad that some women might feel the need to have one of these kits, but they make them for men, too, which is far more disturbing.

September 26, 2007 at 6:30:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Steven said...

Since Starbucks coffee is about $30 for a fuckin' cup, I'll stick to the $3 bottle of Aquafina, thanks.

September 26, 2007 at 8:21:00 PM EDT  
Blogger nikki said...

evidently you haven't seen the babies when they're in the middle of the act of pooping cuz if you did you'd know they're NOT cute while doing it.

in fact, next time you find yourself on the toilet dropping your deuce, check yourself in the mirror.

notice how you scrunch up your face because you drank so much of that friggin starbucks sludge that you don't have enough water in ya to make it slide out easily? notice how your ass burns as you strain to push the poop out?

now ask your girlfriend if she thinks you're looking cute right about then. bet she says hell nah.

starbucks coffee is what really contributes to folk being ugly after the pooping, cuz sometimes the strain is so much, a person's face is stuck that way.

so my vote is for the aquafina.

September 26, 2007 at 9:14:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love when your mother comments:)

September 26, 2007 at 11:12:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous M said...


September 26, 2007 at 11:21:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Just Jackie said...

just when I think you're kind of a girlfriend, you write shit like this (no pun intended) to remind me how much of a guy you really are.....

September 26, 2007 at 11:39:00 PM EDT  
Blogger katrocket said...

Your uncompromising consumer review may have just saved me $31.95, since I'll never be able to drink Starbucks coffee again.

September 27, 2007 at 8:00:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Tara, now in London said...

Breath contains cells? I'm going to call bullshit on that one.

October 3, 2007 at 8:38:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Olga Bobrova (aka oley) said...

Thank God cows don't have wings...

October 3, 2007 at 9:07:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Janica said...

Dan, your blogs rock!
I prefer the rain method myself.
Starbucks may strip the paint.

I’d have to say there is a momentary loss of cuteness in a baby when it poops. Especially when that poop is being squeezed out the sides of said baby’s diaper. Maybe someone should invent The Pissed Off Mommy Baby Diarrhea Emergency Kit. Because everything with an anus poops.

October 3, 2007 at 10:07:00 PM EDT  
Blogger kamakula said...

How dare you use a 318ti in such great condition as the example car!!

Don't you know that birds actually go out of their way to avoid pooping on these vehicles. I've come out to goto lunch many times and see poop on both the honda and toyota next to me, but not on my 318ti.

Fie! Fie!

October 8, 2007 at 9:18:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Rebecca said...

This amuses me.

Infact, I think you may have just become my personal idol.

October 9, 2007 at 6:24:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You forgot prevention is the best cure. Or as my Other Half says "Don't park the Grand Cherokee under the Walnut Trees, You Twit. And if you do, shut up about the bird shit." Empathy is NOT one of the Other Half's strong points.

October 10, 2007 at 10:12:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Derek James said...

This was great! Love your blog, Dan.

October 11, 2007 at 3:57:00 PM EDT  
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