While reading my gmail today, I noticed one of the adds on the side for a product called the “Grumpy Girl Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit.” As you might be able to infer, it is a kit full of tools for a girl who is irritable because a bird just shit on her car. It retails for $31.95 and includes the following:
Here’s my problem: I get that there is a market for this product. Some might even call it a need. Fact: Birds poop. Fact: Sometimes it lands on your car. No questions about it. But what I want to know is, Who is buying this? Who is the consumer for what amounts to the Roles Royce of bird poop cleaning kits? Kids maybe? I don’t know. Like when a twelve year old buys his dad a shoe shine kit on Christmas, maybe he’ll buy his mom the Grumpy Girl Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit? I just don’t see it happening. I don’t see the demand for such a product being met adequately by this product. And here’s why: Because for centuries this product has already existed. It goes by many names: Rain, the guy who washes my car, paper towels. But at the core it is all the same. Just like shit happens, so does cleaning.
So in an effort to help out people who might not want to shell out $31.95 for a poop cleaning kit (plus shipping and handling!) I have devised a way to get the same results for a fraction of the cost using everyday items you will already find in your car.
Step #1: Bird poops on car.
Boy, that’s a big bird.
Step #2: Assess the damage.
Yep, looks like the bird did, in fact, poop on your car.
Step #3: Get a cleaning agent.
The Grumpy Girl Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit comes with water, windshield cleaner, and wax. I’m here to tell you this is overkill. Animals in the wild have been crapped on for centuries. Yet whenever we see a lion in the wilderness, we don’t say, “Why is he covered in bird shit?” That’s because he uses his resourcefulness to clean himself. Just like we will here.
Here are some fluids you might have handy in your car:
Gasoline (via siphon)
Grande Soy Latte
Ding ding ding! We have a winner. The combination of the warmth and liquidity of the Starbucks drink will help emulsify the poop and wash it away.
Step #4: Find a cleaning wipe.
Well, you have your Starbucks, right? And you’re not a heathen, right? So you have some napkins? SO SIMPLE, YET SO CLEVER.
Step #5: Begin to clean.
Start by pouring the warm coffee drink onto the poop. Then apply the napkins, rubbing in a circular motion. Depending on varying factors such as duration of poop on car, temperature and driving speed, the poop may have hardened significantly by now, even to the point of fraying the napkin. The solution?
No, not a $31.95 “shop towel.” How about that protective sleeve around your latte. You know, the durable yet flexible cardboard band you conveniently discarded not realizing that you had the perfect scraping device right in the palm of your hand? Oh yeah, that one.
Alternate scraping, wiping, adding additional warm coffee drink as needed.
Step #6: Rinse and buff.
After the spot has been removed, pour some water over the area. If you do not have any water with you, pour some additional coffee on the area.
Don’t be fooled by fancy buffing kits such as the one included in the Grumpy Girl Auto Bird Turd Emergency Kit. Everyone knows that the best natural buffer out there is the human breath. Full of moisture and cells, your breath will do just as good a job as any expensive polish. Simply exhale warm breath onto the cleansed area (being careful not to get too close, there was shit there after all) and then wipe quickly with a dry napkin. Voila! The shit is gone, but your $31.95 plus shipping and handling isn’t.
And the real joy? That you’re not supporting a company whose motto is “Because Everything is Cute Until It Poops.” (Ed. Note: That’s not the company’s motto.) Are you telling me that nothing that poops is cute? Babies aren’t cute? Is this what they’re trying to say? Once something poops, it is immediately rendered ugly? I think that’s discrimination. Poop discrimination. And I, for one, know it to be false. I know because I’ve actually picked up his poop. and guess what? STILL CUTE, ASSHOLES.