Friday, September 28, 2007

Q&A Friday!

Hey, you guys may not know this, but check it out: Moving sucks. Brooke and I officially make the move down to Brooklyn this upcoming Monday, and so far all I can say is I am utterly baffled by girl’s idea of packing versus a boy’s idea of packing.

I’ve moved many times before and I’ve always done it myself. Rented a truck, bribed my friends with beer and pizza and just did it. Packing consisted of putting similar objects into the same shoe box/shopping bag/hamper and carrying them to the truck. I wouldn’t wrap up my plates and glasses, reasoning that maybe someone would want a drink or a snack while moving, so that could wait until the very end. Then I would end up riding in the truck with my dishes on my lap.

But girls have a totally different sensibility. I think Brooke calls it “organized” or some other word I’m unfamiliar with. Professional movers? Labeled boxes? Bubble wrap? It’s like I’ve been having sex a certain way my whole life, but then I met a porn star. And of course the sex is better, but it’s a lot harder, too. It takes a level of planning which I am not accustomed to. To wit, after packing up my bathroom last night, I awoke this morning to realize I left no soap in the shower. So I washed myself with one of Brooke’s facemasks. My scent right now can be described as a combination of petunia and clay. Also, it tingled my special place, which I don’t mind.

Onto the questions.

Dan,

I am in a country band. I wrote a song about gay cowboys, peppered liberally with references to Brokeback Mountain. Now whenever my band plays that song, the girls never talk to me after the shows.

Does this mean I’m gay?

-Simon

Gay is a relative term, just like smart and cool and British. I think I would need to know a little more about the song in order to make a decisive judgment on your sexuality. For example, in the song do you make mention of wanting to spend the rest of your life in a loving relationship with a man? Or references to how the vagina repulses you and how a Cynthia Rowley sample sale is like totally heaven?

Most importantly though, you must ask yourself this simple question: When you sing the song, do you sing it from the heart? Do you mean what you are saying? Do you sing like Bryan Adams, with a tenderness and a sincerity in your voice? Man, I love Bryan Adams.

(Note: Finding Bryan Adams attractive is not an indication of homosexuality. Bryan Adams is a cross-gender sex symbol. It’s true, I looked it up on Wikipedia – no citation necessary.)
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How much time are you wasting at work?

[link expired]

I wasted a couple minutes reading this, cutting and pasting the link and then typing this email.

What this awesome reader is referring to is a news story about workers wasting company time on the internet. Unfortunately, I wasted so much time in between receiving this email and posting it that the link has expired.

Luckily, I dug up a cached version, and here is an excerpt detailing the gist of the article:

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Americans who feel bored and underpaid do work hard -- at surfing the Internet and catching up on gossip, according to a survey that found U.S. workers waste about 20 percent of their working day.


An online survey of 2,057 employees by online compensation company Salary.com found about six in every 10 workers admit to wasting time at work with the average employee wasting 1.7 hours of a typical 8.5 hour working day.

This is a ludicrous survey. Anyone who wastes as little as 1.7 hours a day on the internet clearly doesn’t know how to use the internet. I would say that, on average, I waste a solid 6.5 hours a workday. I waste so much time on the internet that I have come to feel as though that is my job. Like I get frustrated sometimes with all the blogs I have to read and, WTF, another panda video to watch? Do they just keep video cameras on pandas 24/7 like Britney Spears? So then, when someone hands me some real office work to do, I’m all stressed out like, “Are you kidding me?! How am I supposed to get to this done? I haven’t even checking my MySpace bulletin board yet today. I’ll be here until 8:00!”
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Dear Dan,

I'm 5'9, but because I hit a bit of a dating dry spell (but more because I was really drunk when I met him and didn't remember much about him) I agreed to go out to dinner with a guy who is 5'5. After dinner was over and we said goodbye, he slapped my ass and said "honk, honk." Seriously. Now I obviously never want to see him again, but he keeps texting me. I'm not sure what to say -- should it be something like "If you can find a way to ride Space Mountain, I'll go out with you again?" thereby totally demoralizing and emasculating him or should I say something about the ass honking incident, even though if the guy was a normal size, I would probably have completely overlooked it because I'm desperate for male attention?

Also, do my endless cracks about his elfin stature make me superficial? And if so, should I care?

First of all, you sound like my kind of girl. So drunk that you don’t remember how tall someone is? Can you say “champion”?

Second, no man has the right to say “honk, honk” unless he is a goose. Or a two-year old impersonating a fire truck. I don’t care if the guy was a friggin’ Dean Cain look-alike. You never say “honk, honk.”

So, in my opinion, you have every right to demean this guy to the fullest extent. Of course, this email is so outdated at this point that either you’ve settled down with him and started a family or you’ve pushed him over the edge and he is now recovering from a painful heightening surgery (it’s real, I saw it on “Nip/Tuck”).

So, just for my sake, text him this picture:

This is especially fun if you are still dating. Ah, memories.
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I want a post about how you got your girlfriend through your blog.

See, if I ever start reading the blog of a cute guy, I want to know what the best way is to weasel myself into his life to make him my boyfriend.

I'd like to know what tactics Brooke used to wrangle you in.

Thanks!

Hold on. Cute? Really? I always thought of myself as “interesting” looking. Like more runway than print model. But you know, I’m not ashamed to admit I use moisturizer every day. And I take a multi-vitamin with anti-oxidants. But cute? That’s just too much!

As for how we met, I actually wrote a post about it here. And there was very little wrangling involved, unless you include the wrangling in the sheets! (High five myself). Even now as we move into this apartment together, there remains no wrangling. Just a genuine mutual appreciation, and a genuine mutual hatred of moving. The real trick in landing a boyfriend or a girlfriend is finding common ground. And the best place to look is under the sheets. (High five, one more time.)

(Think you’ve got what it takes to have a questions? Email me at redactedblog@gmail.com)

22 Comments:

Blogger Green said...

Have you considered taking fish oil capsules? They're all the rage out here.

Good luck with your move. As not-your-attorney-or-anyones-since-I-am-not-an-attorney-at-all, please pay extra for the insurance from the movers. My brother has had to use it more than once in his moves.

September 28, 2007 at 3:11:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Danny from Milwaukee said...

"Professional" movers? How can a business make a profit if its services are paid for in beer and pizza? Or do "professional" movers charge money?

September 28, 2007 at 3:24:00 PM EDT  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

I ask myself these questions as i finished your post.
How does it feel moving in with another girl after having been in a long relationship - with the other girl that you also lived with?
What makes it so different with this one and be detailed in your answer please....

Oh one more question...You dont feel worried about this relationship failing like the last one?

September 28, 2007 at 6:37:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

That 5'5" ass-smacker is so . . . .. .. . . . . .. . . . . . .. . . awesome!!!

September 30, 2007 at 5:50:00 PM EDT  
Blogger nikki said...

just gotta say that the story of how you and your girlfriend met is both romantic and gag-inducing, but mostly romantic.

and you should listen to her...professional movers are the way to go, unless they're taking your stuff and going to an address other than yours.

October 1, 2007 at 1:38:00 PM EDT  
Blogger The Neoskeptic said...

you are a laugh riot. are these questions really real? If they aren't, you're doing a great job of making up good questions.

October 3, 2007 at 2:38:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Taylor said...

I'm a girl and just recently moved. I have to say, I probably have a male mentality when it comes to moving. Sadly enough my mom, aunts, and girlfriends helped me pack everything because I suck at it. Perhaps I should start working on my moving skills. The question about the gay country song is cracking me up. Shouldn't one know if they are gay or not? I guess if they have to question their sexuality then maybe they are unsure aka bi. As for the short guy who thinks it's cool to grab people's bottom areas; I agree that he should be fully insulted and belittled.

October 3, 2007 at 5:06:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Gay, Married, with Cat said...

Well, it's difficult to tell from the small picture, but based on that I'd say cute is appropriate. But you might not want to quit the day job for modeling. :-)

October 3, 2007 at 5:45:00 PM EDT  
Blogger ella said...

hilarious. i snorted coffee on my keyboard. thanks for that.

October 3, 2007 at 6:43:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous myroomie.net admin said...

Haha you are funny. I like what you've written in your 'about me' section.

October 3, 2007 at 7:13:00 PM EDT  
Blogger minijonb said...

i think you've blown your cover with this post, so you better find a safe house to hang out at for a bit until the smoke clears...

...or until all the dated spy references end, whichever comes first.

October 3, 2007 at 9:22:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Janica said...

I'm thinking next time you move, you should give your girlfriend a whole lot of beer and pizza and then shove her into the appropriate shoe box. Organization sucks.

AND I only wish a carny would smack my ass and say “honk honk.” Certainly would make my day more interesting.

http://www.janicasravings.blogspot.com

October 3, 2007 at 9:38:00 PM EDT  
Blogger roentarre said...

This is really great to read!

October 4, 2007 at 7:38:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Phil Cregg said...

ahahahahahahaahaaa...hell yeah.

man that is some funny stuff. i didn't even get any sleep last night and you got me giggling like a school girl.

speaking of, i gotta run. i drive a school bus i gotta get back to work.

October 4, 2007 at 1:54:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Gail said...

Okay, I just wasted an entire morning reading your blog . . . and the last time I moved (moving DOES suck) you were probably not yet in kindergarten . . . but I don't regret it a bit! (wasting my morning, that is).

Thanks for the read.
Gambits from Gail

October 4, 2007 at 3:10:00 PM EDT  
Blogger R2K said...

: )

October 4, 2007 at 9:10:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Anita said...

Hi Dan, I've just moved 60,000 miles from my home to Aberdeen, Scotland. The idea of packing for my then fiance is similar as what you described, perhaps worse. He just needed to throw all of his wardrobe content on to the bed, separate fragile items with non-fragile items (dispute erupted as he thought CDs are fragile and was very concern with the safety of our 42inch TV but didn't understand why I made such a fuss about our crystal champagne glasses).

One thing I've learned from this experience: hire a professional. They will bubblewrap everything until you wouldn't recognize what's in it. They will throw everything into the box it's hard to keep up which box has your underwear or which box has your porn CD collection. You just need to sit on the floor (as your sofa has been packed), sipping coffee with plastic mug, and let them do the work, and voila, they finish in a half day, leaving you nothing, NOTHING, except what you have on your body.

It's been 3 months and I still have at least a dozen of boxes unopened. My auntie moved back from Germany 25years ago and she still does have unopened boxes, this is true story!

Come to think about it, perhaps your method is better.....

October 5, 2007 at 4:30:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous nanners said...

i've recently taken up blog-reading in the office in addition to my work related responsibilities. I would say it works out to be 90% to 10%, internet vs. work. Before the blogs came into play, I would just refresh my bank account online and cry.

my quality of life has increased so much because of blogs like yours.

thank you.

October 5, 2007 at 11:55:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Manda said...

Great Q & A but missed seeing a new post this week! I hope the move went/is going well!

October 5, 2007 at 1:35:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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October 7, 2007 at 2:36:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Apsu said...

nice

October 7, 2007 at 5:08:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Colorless said...

Funny stuff. I didn't hate the 5'5 ass smacker.

October 8, 2007 at 7:44:00 PM EDT  

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