Anyway, one of the first things I decided to do was to eat healthier. I don’t necessarily eat unhealthy (I only eat fast food when on road trips), but as Brooke would say, “My God, how many cookies are you going to eat?” So I thought it would be good to kind of cleanse my body so as not to bring any negative ch’i into my new home. That effort hit a snag when I attended the most opulent wedding I have ever been to over the weekend. Besides drinking an entire bottle of champagne before even sitting down to dinner, I ate so many hors d’œuvres that by the time cocktail hour was over the waitresses knew me by name. Like:
Waitress #1: “Dan wants more of the lamb shank!”
Waitress #2: “Tell Dan to go fuck himself.”
(I never said they liked me.)
So when that failed, I came into work yesterday determined to change something. Little did I know the answer was sitting here staring me in the face. Literally. All day, every single day. My computer.
It is beyond old. It is a relic of a simpler time, when monitors were the size of televisions you’d find hanging at the OTB. It had never occurred to me exactly how old it was, likely because I spent so much time with it, much the same way I assume it is with children, where one day you’ll wake up to find your six year old daughter making a cup of coffee and you’ll be like, “Wait a second, when did you start walking?” Which is exactly how I felt when I counted back and realized that this computer is from 2001. In my mind, which refuses to believe that much time has passed since I graduated college, 2001 is recent. I mean, it starts with “20.” But then you do the math and you realize that’s six years ago. Technology being the way it is, a six-year old computer may as well be a six-year old calendar. So I told my bosses I need a new one. And after much convincing (kicking it, then showing them how it doesn’t work) they conceded.
The new computer is en route as we speak (I have FedEx tracker on refresh), and while I am excited to start this new phase of my life with a new computer, I am also a bit sad. As I finish typing this, I realize that this will be the last blog post I ever type on this computer. I’d say out of the approximately 500 blog posts I’ve written, 494 of them have been written on this computer. That’s like having sex 500 times, 494 of them with the same girl. But then she got too old so you dumped her for a newer model.
Well, when you put it like that I’m really fucking stoked! This is going to be great. And just so I don’t feel guilty about not giving this loyal computer a proper send off (which it desperately deserves after having been inadvertently infested with about 20 different viruses over the years before I realized that those companies would never fulfill their promise of sending you a free iPod) here is a tribute to DJMcomp’s long, serviceable tenure. You’ve been a useful friend.
The oldest picture I could find on the hard drive (March, 02). RIP.