Tuesday, September 11, 2007


Signing the lease on my new apartment has inspired me to make other changes in my life, as though I literally have a new lease on life – which is what it felt like I was paying for when I handed the broker a check for his fee. Despite the fact that I actually like my broker, I still have to say that there’s no bigger scam than New York real estate. By and large, brokers do little to no work to actually earn their commission. I’ve seen apartments before where the broker opens the front door for me, and as we walk in he says, “Wow, this is a great place. It’s the first time I’m seeing it. Hey, check it out – there’s another closet over here! So do you want it?” Meaning that if I did take the apartment, I would pay him about $2,800 for opening the door for me. It makes me want to make the broker work harder. Like ask him tough questions like, “So what year was this building erected?” Or, “Hey, could you give me a boost so I can check out this overhead storage space?” Or “Stick this wet paperclip in that socket, I want to see how many breakers this place is running on.” God, I hate brokers.

Anyway, one of the first things I decided to do was to eat healthier. I don’t necessarily eat unhealthy (I only eat fast food when on road trips), but as Brooke would say, “My God, how many cookies are you going to eat?” So I thought it would be good to kind of cleanse my body so as not to bring any negative ch’i into my new home. That effort hit a snag when I attended the most opulent wedding I have ever been to over the weekend. Besides drinking an entire bottle of champagne before even sitting down to dinner, I ate so many hors d’œuvres that by the time cocktail hour was over the waitresses knew me by name. Like:

Waitress #1: “Dan wants more of the lamb shank!”
Waitress #2: “Tell Dan to go fuck himself.”

(I never said they liked me.)

So when that failed, I came into work yesterday determined to change something. Little did I know the answer was sitting here staring me in the face. Literally. All day, every single day. My computer.

It is beyond old. It is a relic of a simpler time, when monitors were the size of televisions you’d find hanging at the OTB. It had never occurred to me exactly how old it was, likely because I spent so much time with it, much the same way I assume it is with children, where one day you’ll wake up to find your six year old daughter making a cup of coffee and you’ll be like, “Wait a second, when did you start walking?” Which is exactly how I felt when I counted back and realized that this computer is from 2001. In my mind, which refuses to believe that much time has passed since I graduated college, 2001 is recent. I mean, it starts with “20.” But then you do the math and you realize that’s six years ago. Technology being the way it is, a six-year old computer may as well be a six-year old calendar. So I told my bosses I need a new one. And after much convincing (kicking it, then showing them how it doesn’t work) they conceded.

The new computer is en route as we speak (I have FedEx tracker on refresh), and while I am excited to start this new phase of my life with a new computer, I am also a bit sad. As I finish typing this, I realize that this will be the last blog post I ever type on this computer. I’d say out of the approximately 500 blog posts I’ve written, 494 of them have been written on this computer. That’s like having sex 500 times, 494 of them with the same girl. But then she got too old so you dumped her for a newer model.

Well, when you put it like that I’m really fucking stoked! This is going to be great. And just so I don’t feel guilty about not giving this loyal computer a proper send off (which it desperately deserves after having been inadvertently infested with about 20 different viruses over the years before I realized that those companies would never fulfill their promise of sending you a free iPod) here is a tribute to DJMcomp’s long, serviceable tenure. You’ve been a useful friend.

The oldest picture I could find on the hard drive (March, 02). RIP.


Blogger Kelly said...

Oh, Dan.

At first it seemed like you were not going be hitting the "PUBLISH POST" button anymore. Lukckily you're talkin' computer upgrade.

These next few days will be the last it receives e-mails... Looks up whateveritisyoulookupon YouTube... So sad.

Farewell, DJMcomp.

September 11, 2007 at 3:21:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice bracelet in the pic! LOL.

September 11, 2007 at 3:56:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan's the one on the bottom. That's how he likes it.

September 11, 2007 at 4:00:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does your friend wax his brows?

September 11, 2007 at 8:11:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I saw the R.I.P. and was so sad until I took the time to read the post! I thought you were leaving us again! Glad you are upgrading though - how exciting. Does your friend pamper his brows? It looks like he might. Shyia

September 12, 2007 at 12:47:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous C said...

Yeah, I freaked a little. I admit. I thought you were done posting.

And let me tell you, if you even think about ending this blog, we will take the things most dear to you. That includes Brooke.

September 12, 2007 at 2:37:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you are able, might I suggest taking the old monitor and removing the screen and innards. It would make a lovely planter for your back yard garden.

September 12, 2007 at 3:29:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jenni said...

That is a great drunk picture...But not as great as This drunk picture.

September 12, 2007 at 5:15:00 PM EDT  
Blogger nikki said...

i've never had a set of balls on my neck before. i wonder how that felt...

September 13, 2007 at 1:45:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate brokers too. They stand you up, take cash only (um, that's illegal mofos), lie, and make you give them money, then don't give you a damn thing until the day before your new lease is supposed to start. Fuckers.

September 14, 2007 at 4:54:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dr. Ramprekash Varma, M.D. said...

I like your blog very much, keep it up

check mine if you have time

October 3, 2007 at 9:34:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Christophe said...

I just discovered your blog. What a great reading it is! Funny, my home computer is also a Dell from 2001, and I'm currently thinking of buying a new one.

I won't ditch it though, the poor thing has helped me so many times it will just go to a nice retirement resort: the workshop, where it will be used sporadically by my artistic partner for printing and image work :) .

But since it's my home computer and I don't have someone to beg to to get a new, it'll have to wait. My comp is likely to be still my main computer by 2008! In computer years, it's like it's a thousand years old!

October 4, 2007 at 5:36:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your in the music industry, so is my brother. Come and see if you like his music at www.Hollyluv78.blogspot.com

October 4, 2007 at 7:45:00 PM EDT  

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