Wednesday, October 17, 2007

For Dan – with Love and Squalor

This past weekend was Dan’s and mine one-year anniversary. [Ed note: Dan’s and my?] Well, it was the one-year anniversary of the day we met, which is when I count from. Dan counts from the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. But since we’re not 12, I think that’s lame. Besides, the girlfriend question was only posed after a protection mishap, so it was more like, “Don’t worry about herpes, I’m not sleeping with anyone else. Are you?” Regardless, I’m not an anniversary type. No presents required. (But then Saturday I asked if he wanted to exchange presents before or after dinner. After he squirmed -- “Kidding!”)

Anyhow, in honor of this special day, I thought I’d share with you some things I’ve learned about Dan this past year. I know many of his female readers like to romanticize him. And he is, in fact, quite incredible. He’s smart, funny, thoughtful (“Hmm, Brooke, I was thinking you should give me a blow job”), he built me a closet which fits ALL MY SHOES, and he always pays for the emergency contraception. But most importantly, he knows just what to do with his big, black pot. Cook! Yes, he cooks for me. It’s swell.

But it’s not all abortion-avoiding and cookie-eating; on a rare occasion, we fight. And sure, some people would say those brief sojourns from bliss are my fault because I’m the one from the broken home, and I’m the one who ordered those magic pills from Thailand only to discover that they made me really angry. Like a bear. Like an angry bear who had taken speed from Thailand. And while emotional instability may have seemed charming at first, eventually Dan stopped staring at my boobs long enough to discover, “Dude, this chick’s crazy.” But it was too late, he loved me. [Dan’s note: It's easy to overlook her flaws, she fucks like a porn star.]

But last week we had a fight that I could’ve sworn was his fault. And I thought it only fair, as my own brand of anniversary present, if I shared it with you, his readers.

Like all good fights, it began nine months ago and with the best intentions.

The first time Dan was at my apartment, we did that thing where we shared stuff we liked with each other (as opposed to just watching TiVo). He went online and showed me his favorite painting: Chagall’s, “The Birthday.” “That’s my favorite painting, too!,” I cried. And to prove it, I went into my bedroom and walked out carrying a print of that very painting. Oh, great rejoicing, “We’re soul mates!” (No, he didn’t see the painting beforehand. Stop killing the romance.) Anyhow, I had never framed the print because I hadn’t intended on staying in that apartment very long.

And I didn’t. Flash forward to my move (away from Brooklyn) a couple of months later. Excitedly, I tell Dan that I can finally hang our fate poster (I never actually called it that) in my new apartment. And he proceeds to tell me this:

A few weeks earlier he had smuggled the print out of my apartment as part of a truly endearing plan to have it framed for my birthday. (Aww.) Then, on his way home, he FORGOT IT ON THE SUBWAY.

Now anyone that knows Dan knows that he has the same memory retention as Puppy. And sometimes, while running to get a toy, Puppy forgets that he’s playing fetch and sits down and stares at a wall. And just like Puppy, Dan’s forgetfulness is adorable. And while that’s a lie, his forgetfulness is, in the face of all his other wonderful attributes, forgettable.

So after hearing about him losing the poster, I simply laughed. But, my mom had given me the poster, so it did hold a special place in my heart along with the other things my mom has given me: varicose veins, oppressive guilt and an aptitude for math. So I said, “I’d really love if you’d replace it sometime. No biggie.”

Flash forward nine months: We move in together. Needing art for the walls, we browse art.com and come across “The Birthday.” I look over at Dan, and because I’m a girl, I say: “I’m kind of bummed that you never replaced the poster you lost.” Dan pats my head: “Sorry.” Ten minutes pass.

And because I’m a girl, I say: “But, you know, it really sucks that you lost it, and you never replaced it like you said you would.” [Ed note: I am not actually sure he ever said he would replace it, but I was about to declare war, and as the U.S. has shown, there’s no place for truth in war.]

Because he’s a guy: “If it mattered so much, why’d you never hang it the whole time you had it.”
Girl: “That’s not the point, the point is you lost something that mattered to me, and you should have replaced it.”
Guy: “You didn’t even want to hang it [Ed note: False], so why should I have bought it if you were just going to store it in a closet.”
Girl: “Well, why did you say you were sorry you didn’t replace it if you WEREN’T ACTUALLY SORRY!?” [Dan’s note: Good question…]

Door slam. (Now that we have two bedrooms, you can actually storm off and slam a door, as opposed to in Manhattan, where you had to storm off and climb up the loft bed, and then just sit up there where the other person can still see you. Not nearly as effective.)

Five minutes pass. Knock knock.

Girl: “Come in.”
Guy: “If I had known the poster mattered so much, I would have gotten it for you.”
Girl: “It’s not the poster that matters. I just wanted you to make the effort.”
Guy: “I’ll go get the poster tomorrow.”
Girl: “Forget it. I don’t even want the poster.”

Sex.

The End.

Happy anniversary, baby.

32 Comments:

Blogger Red said...

That is a fantastic story. You are hilarious.

October 17, 2007 at 3:16:00 PM EDT  
Blogger birdie said...

I'm still a little squeam-tastic after the cockroach story, but this was fabulous.

October 17, 2007 at 3:35:00 PM EDT  
Blogger kismetic said...

Dammit. Even your fights are adorable and funny.

October 17, 2007 at 4:04:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Faith said...

You guys are silly.

I love the silliness...

October 17, 2007 at 4:06:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Mo said...

That's one of the most romantic things I've ever read.

I don't read much.

Awesome blog though.

October 17, 2007 at 4:52:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Fucks like a porn star...now THAT is awesome.

October 17, 2007 at 5:31:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Arjewtino said...

This just proves that every single fight that men and women ever have is about the same thing, with different scenery.

Congrats, guys.

October 17, 2007 at 5:36:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It would appear that SOME OF US should probably tell Dan that he SHOULD have had the damn thing framed for the anniversary.

Am I the only one that sees this blog as yet another demand for the framed print?

When will men understand that "forget it, I don't even want it anymore" is code for, "You should probably have it professionally giftwrapped".

sigh.

Men.

He probably fucks like a stallion.

'nilla

October 17, 2007 at 5:39:00 PM EDT  
Blogger R.E.H. said...

A refreshing read.

I do hope to find what the two of you have someday.

And, Dan - I may be a bit of a sissy, but I'd had that poster framed in no time for the one I love.

October 17, 2007 at 6:03:00 PM EDT  
Blogger k said...

Forget the painting (ha, that's a joke), true love is letting your girlfriend guest write on your blog.

October 17, 2007 at 6:42:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Princess Sara said...

tres bien blog dudes. Loved it. And she still wants the poster Dan, I would get her another one.

October 17, 2007 at 11:30:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dropout! said...

It's "Dan's and my." You're welcome.

Also, you guys are really cute. It kind of grosses me out.

October 18, 2007 at 12:59:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

does [redacted mother] care to weigh in on this one?

haha.

October 18, 2007 at 3:42:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Gopapatni Gleeson said...

Thanks for offering the humour and respite, from what could be otherwise.
Love the life, must learn to love mine.
Thanks.

October 18, 2007 at 6:41:00 AM EDT  
Blogger [mother] said...

C'mon, it's obvious he has to get it framed.

October 18, 2007 at 7:11:00 AM EDT  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

It's totally obvious.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who fights this way.
Where do we learn this shit?

October 18, 2007 at 9:04:00 AM EDT  
Blogger nikki said...

hehehehe. this story is beyond fantastic. you two are sarcasm soulmates. i can't wait to read about the kids...

October 18, 2007 at 9:45:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Julie_Gong said...

Sounds like my dream anniversary.

October 18, 2007 at 9:55:00 AM EDT  
Blogger -J said...

Man, I think Brooke should have a blog too. (In case she does have a blog and I've just been too lazy to ever look, you're blog rocks, Brooke.)

Happy anniversary. I'm glad you never exchanges diseases.

October 18, 2007 at 10:18:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Dan

You should have Brooke write more often. No, seriously. Step away from the keyboard.

October 18, 2007 at 10:36:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan-

Frame the damn poster. And this time, get a really, really nice frame.

Brooke-
Give Dan a blow job.

October 18, 2007 at 11:54:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Neil said...

I think Brooke is the "heart" of this relationship. Dan just the boy-toy.

October 18, 2007 at 12:31:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous suicide_blond said...

frame the poster...
oral sex alll around...
take two of the angry bear pills from thailand..
and call me in the morning...

damn..my mom was right...i should have been a dr
xoxo

October 18, 2007 at 3:36:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Laird said...

Dan,

I beg of you -- please don't let her post another blog. They pale in comparison to yours.

Come back soon!!

October 18, 2007 at 3:40:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Plexus said...

{mother}, I was thinking the same thing. Double matted as well. And if you can, a coffee table book about the artist.

October 18, 2007 at 10:17:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Rach said...

Everyone fights like this. I wonder where we learn that from.

Great blog!

October 19, 2007 at 12:10:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Janet said...

Man = puppy is the cutest. Because really, how else could you stand it? Sex aside?

Ha! Not that that's ever an issue for you both! Congrats! Here's to another one this time next year.

October 19, 2007 at 5:20:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Dwight said...

Great story, Brooke. Happy anniversary to you and Dan. I'm relationship averse and a 'mo, so reading the transcript of the fight makes me so glad I have no interest in the craziness that is woman and that, for better and slightly even more better, I'm not in a relationship. :) OH, and Dan's female readers aren't the only ones who romanticize him. But whenever I do it, it only lasts for a night. Haha.

October 19, 2007 at 12:54:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Genie said...

haha. i just noticed that the comments here are as entertaining as the posts.
=)

love the blog. brooke, you're hilarious.

October 20, 2007 at 11:16:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

is anyone else nauseated?

October 21, 2007 at 10:01:00 AM EDT  
Blogger blythe said...

but just think of how dan made someone so happy. some little artless kid probably picked up that framed chagall and sold it on the sidewalk for $30 which he used to put toward guitar hero. priorities.

October 23, 2007 at 2:19:00 PM EDT  
Blogger bella principessa said...

Approved.

October 24, 2007 at 3:52:00 PM EDT  

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